I am not spiritual enough

[Ladyjane14]

To be honest, I think it's probably okay to help her get on her feet if that's what you're comfortable with. I think it's even okay to finance her trip to Asia.

 

Ordinarily, I'd be in agreement with all these other good folks here... but I think maybe we're looking at a cultural difference whereby Nonspiritual would suffer inordinate guilt at not meeting his perceived obligations. He needs to be at peace with his decision, knowing that he's done the best he could as a husband.

[notspiritual]

Me being a good husband should not be a function of whether she is a good wife or not. I just need to be me.

 

I don’t need an IC, I can take care of myself. Me blaming myself is not a weakness. I don’t like to build excuses to justify my failures. I failed, that’s it. That is how I grow, learning from my mistakes.

 

I am sad. But I am not sad for my situation. I could not care less for me, I am not having pity for myself. I know I will survive and I will even thrive. It is not my first break up, it is my second, so I know. I am sad because it is one love I could have made really happy but did not.

[azianpride143]

Bro your a good guy, good provider, and good husband. I understand where your coming from. I have been there. Do what you feel is right given the situation? But you also have to take a look at the relationship as a loss. If she keeps depending on you it will never end. She will never learn from her mistakes. I know you love her and will do whatever it takes. But you have done enough for her already. You have to let go. It's a hard and difficult road ahead. But always remember you have a right to be happy too.

[notspiritual]

Thks AP it helped.

 

All the separation papers were ready but none of us really wanted to sign them in front of the County Clerk of NY. We thought we should do this without the influence of anger, with a cool head.

 

I think she is willing to work on the marriage, she is proactively taking steps to get accepted for professional certificate and master degree. Our debts will be completely separated, so I can help her but I don't have to do so. I point her everytime she gets the bad habit of emotionally attacking me and she stops.

 

This morning, she told me she does not want me to play video games anymore. I told her, do not try to control me. Because from now on, you will never be able to control me for anything. My freedom is more important to me than any relationship, I am not controlling you, so do not control me. If you think you need to control me to make this marriage works then we should sign the separation papers. No one will ever dictate what I can or cannot do anymore.

[notspiritual]

I am spending a lot of energy to work on my marriage. Fortunately I see improvements. But let me tell you that it is tough and that I am thinking of giving up every day. I continue because I see improvements.

 

I will give you an example of the craziness I have to correct. I pushed my wife to call the admission office to get the information on criteria to be admitted for the master she wants to do. She got the admission criteria and found out that the application deadline is 2 months ahead of what she thought and learned that she had to write an application essay. If I did not insist on her getting this information, she would never have been able to make it on time because her plan was to apply much later. Now there is still hope for her master. Instead of thanking me for my practical way of handling things, she accused me that the criteria are now tougher as a result of her calling the admission office. She thinks she should just have based her application on the outdated information of the university website. I am correcting madness after madness.

 

If I had to do it again, I would choose a woman who does not try to control me, a woman who can take care of herself (a survivor). I should have seen the red flags a few years ago but I was too inexperienced. If I had to date again, I would flee like the plague a woman who presents these 2 patterns of behavior: control freak and financially dependent.

 

Lately, I have been feeling much better because I have new plans for my life and I am enthusiastic to achieve them. She can be part of it or not, it does not matter. I will never base my happiness on my relationship anymore; I have first to be happy with my own life. I won’t let my wife drag me into her mediocrity and her unrealistic world.

 

I am able to walk away from her, but I won’t do it until I help her get back on her feet to the extent of my ability. I don’t want to leave her but I if I have to do it in the future, I’ll know that I have been the best husband I could for her and leave her without regret.

[dgiirl]

This morning, she told me she does not want me to play video games anymore. I told her, do not try to control me. Because from now on, you will never be able to control me for anything. My freedom is more important to me than any relationship, I am not controlling you, so do not control me. If you think you need to control me to make this marriage works then we should sign the separation papers. No one will ever dictate what I can or cannot do anymore.

 

It sounds like both of you are trying to control the other, and when one has a genuine need, the other fails to listen. Did you not start this thread admitting that you've neglected your wife in some areas? Was not one of those areas spending time with one another? So when she comes out and tells you directly one of her emotional needs and how to resolve it, you tell her no. No compromises, nothing. You bring back the attention to yourself and your needs instead of listening to what she's saying.

 

I know your situation is hard, and there are some things your wife is completely wrong about (ie, talking about other men, etc), but if saving your marriage is something you want, then you need to start paying attention. I doubt your wife just woke up one day and started having interest outside of the marriage. For every failed marriage, both sides are to blame for running into the ditch. What each party does after running into the ditch, is their own responsibility (ie affairs), but making it go into the ditch always takes two people.

 

I think you both seriously need some counseling. You both can benefit from it greatly in having a third party be objective to help you learn what IS important and what is not. Helping you both become empathetic to the other person instead of self centered. And learn about yourself and your own needs, and each others. You mentioned earlier that you dont NEED IC. Whenever I hear someone say that, I think it's their pride talking. They seem to be unable to swallow their pride and ask for help, and personally, I think it takes a bigger courageous person to ask for help then to let everything go to hell.

[notspiritual]

dgiirl, I think IC would help us but it is too late at this point. We decided to sign the separation papers today. There was no fight. There were hundreds of traps she threw at me to start a fight but I never fell into them. Thanks to that, we have a friendly separation.

 

During this last month, I did not neglect her. Looking back, I think I have never really neglected her. I spent so much of my free time with her during our 4 years relationship that today I have a very thin support system of friends.

 

Despite all the horrible things she keeps throwing at me, I am helping her out to save her sick grand-mother. Spending while I should be paying my student loan. It is funny how she thinks I don't have an ounce of compassion. I have every right to NOT help her but I do it anyway. I am not doing it to win her back, I do it because I have more compassion than all her practice buddhist meditation could ever give her.

 

Whenever she attacked me with her nonsense, I only said "I understand". Things went smoothly until she said one day" I thought about it, I want to sign the separation papers", I said "Ok, let's do it". I kept my dignity all along the way. Never did I show how this affected me. Whenever I feel sad, I tell myself, "Soon I will have no more headaches and be able to fix my financial situation".

 

So she is flying to Asia in 1 weeks to save her sick Grand-mother wth my financial blessing. None of her 4brothers/sisters would spend a dollar for that.

 

Right now, I feel strange, glad and sad at the same time.

[disgracian]

Looking back, I think I have never really neglected her.

I worked a lot and have neglected her. She does not work; she has never worked for more than 2 months in a row, so she does not understand that I am completely dead after a day of work and need to play video games to relax and disconnect.

I just can't harmonise these two statements. From what I've read I don't agree with a lot of your wife's behaviour but I think that you're taking a leaf out of her book by rationalising away all your responsibility for what happened.

 

Cheers,

D.

[notspiritual]

Disgracian

 

You can follow the rest of my story on this link:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t119521/

 

I will reply over there.

[disgracian]

I just realised that I responded to a thread nearly a month old. I should check the dates more carefully in future.

 

Cheers,

D.