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This affair almost ruined my life!!!


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 14th March 2019, 7:42 PM   #391
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Originally Posted by Aloha123 View Post
And I am also trying to reconcile in my own mind how, even if it would destroy the spouse, as in the case of my MM, whether it's still the right thing to do, to tell. And no I don't need to be reminded that it's the right thing to do with regard to my husband -- I already know that.

I guess I'm also questioning NW's hypothesis that, since it's ok for the MM to not tell his wife, it's ok for her (and by extension me). Because is it really ok for the MM not to tell his wife, even if it objectively is in her best interest not to know? And even if his marriage is less negatively impacted that the MW's.
Who says that it’s ok for MM to tell his wife? With respect, I don’t agree with NE hypothesis. I think it’s very self serving. If my husband was cheating on me, I would most definitely want to know. Knowledge is power. I want to make informed decisions about my life. I understand that some may chose to turn a blind eye to maintain an image, or a standard of living, or “for the children.” Not me.

To think that a BS would want to or would not want to know something as important as this, is to make a huge assumption. And I ask, respectfully, who are you (or anyone) to make the decision about what someone should or should not, would or would not, want to know?

Isn’t it awfully presumptuous to make the judgment that someone should not be told the truth about their marriage because the other person “believes” they would not be able to handle it? What do you think the spouse would feel to know that their life partner thought so little of them that they did not feel that they would be able to deal with the truth - that they needed to somehow be protected the way we protect a child from the harsh reality of life? What do you think the BS would feel if they know their spouse didn’t think they deserved the truth?

It takes courage to be honest. It takes integrity, strength, and humility to stand before your partner and share your truth. I personally believe that the decision to tell or not tell the truth has little to do with “concern” for the other person... if that was the case, the betrayal would never have occurred in the first place.
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If they love you, you will know. If they don't, you will wonder all the time if they do...
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Old 14th March 2019, 7:50 PM   #392
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Bailey - I don't disagree with any of what you are saying and TBH I have never and will never meet MM's wife so I really have no idea how she would react, except to say that her life would likely be shattered, with of course the real thing doing the shattering being her husband's conduct and deceit, not the telling itself.

And no none of this in any way justifies a MW not telling her husband, especially in light of the different dynamics.

Anyway, NW is clearly not interested in telling, but for what it's worth this thread has completely turned my thinking around, knocked me out of denial, whatever, about whether I should tell my husband and/or get divorced.
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Old 14th March 2019, 7:53 PM   #393
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The other point being, another reason that it's not my place to say whether she should or shouldn't know is that I most certainly won't be the one to tell her, as that is not my place. The only thing I have control over and should be focused on is not engaging in any further conduct about which he should have to tell her, obviously, and of course, also what to do about telling my own husband, which is my responsibility.
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Old 14th March 2019, 8:02 PM   #394
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Cheaters, meaning people who continually lie to spouses, children, family members, friends, coworkers...and so on are presumptuous and self serving.


The very nature of an affair is such unless an affair is regarding a love affair between two single/available people...if not, lies have to happen and they happen because they are not two single/available people.


If integrity and honesty were the standard for OW/OM, this forum would not exist.


So NW is doing what NW is accustomed, lie. That sounds so hard/cold doesn't it...don't call me a liar, how dare you, you don't know me! (multiple exclamation points,) lol. It the truth though.


Hand clap for wanting to preserve your marriage while continuing to lie...?
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Old 14th March 2019, 8:17 PM   #395
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As an aside, further to our discussion Aloha. Let’s consider the ethics from a different perspective, a medical perspective.

I work with children who have disabilities. When I started my career, there was a belief in the medical profession that parents should not be told about their child’s diagnosis or prognosis because they would not be able to handle it. I used to visit one family, who’s daughter had been diagnosed with a degenerative disease, and the doctors had decided that the parents were not strong enough to handle the truth. The diagnosis was in every report, but it had never been shared with the parents. So every visit to their home, this mother would cry and ask questions. Why is she was not learning? Why is she not getting better? She would show us video of things she used to do, that she was not doing any more, and ask us why did she lose these skills? She would tell us that they had prayed and asked God - what had they done in their lives such that they deserved to be punished this way? It was heartbreaking.

Things have changed, thank goodness. Medical ethics has evolved such that we now believe that the patient, or parent, has an absolute right to know their child has a diagnosis and the prognosis. We have learned how to have the hard conversations with parents and deliver the bad news in a way that is realistic, but still supports the family and their hope for the future.

And boy, have I been amazed at the parents ability to not only handle the truth, but to handle unbelievably difficult things - situations that I don’t think I would be able to handle - with strength, dignity, and grace. The truth gives parents knowledge which enables them to make decisions that are in the best interest of their children/their family. After all, who knows best - the medical professional or the parent - about the care needs for the child, about the support they have to meet those needs, about what they value and want for their child/family, about how they allocate resources within the family, etc... Parents are simply not able to make decisions for their family or feel any sense of control if they do not have the information - the truth. And if I may say, I have been privileged to witness the most unbelievable resilience, as these families not only survive but learn to thrive...

Just think, of what life would have been like if “we - the medical profession” had passed judgment/imposed our own values and beliefs on what parents could or could not handle and given out information accordingly. Just think, what their life would have been like - always wondering, always worrying, never having the opportunity to find acceptance. How unfair would it have been for us to deny them the opportunity to make informed decisions and have a sense of control for their own lives. That’s just not something that I feel a person has the right to take from another person, which is why this whole discussion bothers me so much...
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Old 14th March 2019, 8:27 PM   #396
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It's extremely arrogant to decide your BH wouldn't want to know the truth because it's what you say is true for you.

I think it's strange to say you're moving forward and wanting to live genuinely whilst at the same time aspiring to emulate "successful" cheaters who can compartmentalize their feelingsfeelings behaviour. IMO the narrative in this thread is dangerously close to poor MW taken advantage of by wicked MM. This was an affair that went on for 5 years and you have suffered no consequences. I don't think you're being honest with yourself. My impression is you want to save your lifestyle not your marriage and your BH is just collateral damage!

You didn't respond to my post quoting you stating you still pine and crave MM. Is that because in this thread it simply doesn't fit your "growth".
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Old 14th March 2019, 8:41 PM   #397
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If I may add, part of the reluctance from the medical profession to share information with patients was the desire to maintain a position of power and control. Patients who are informed can present a threat to someone who is used to having all the information, and thus all the power and the ability to make decisions. It’s a very entitled and arrogant position to assume.

Thankfully, there has been a real shift in the medical profession... or at least, it is evolving.

I believe there are similarities with NW’s determination not to tell her husband the truth. She has complete control if she has all the information. If her husband knew the truth, he then has the ability to make his own decision and she may well lose the ability to control her own destiny... With knowledge, comes power.
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Old 14th March 2019, 8:53 PM   #398
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Originally Posted by Aloha123 View Post

But, that all being said, the wife of a MM is still not living an authentic life, is still being lied to, and so arguably she deserves to know as well, no?
His wife absolutely deserves to know, as does naive womans MM wife, if they were here posting I would be urging them to be honest as well.

Mark, marriages survive Male infidelities at a much higher rate then they do Female infidelities. In past decades it was believed to be based on the high number of stay at home moms, however, as the number of SAHM decreased the numbers that stay married after infidelities were flatlined. The reason for the gap is believed to be in womans inability to re-engage back into the marriage because of the damage she caused and thier unwillingness to own it. Male fragile egos are also a contributing factor, but much less then the females mental gymnastics that allowed her to justify the affair.

I dont disagree that MM become emotionally attached to the MW/OW, they dont sacrifice their marriage to do so.

I have often referred to my wife's affair as her being the MM, because she was behaving more like a MM than a MW during her affair. She was overall nicer, buying me odd gifts, and overall acting out of character but being more clingy. She denies it but I believe she was emotionally attached to the guy, not in love but attached nonetheless. She never detached from me and when her affair ended she was able to just walk back into the marriage as if it didn't happen, except for her fear of me finding out. This is ultimately what led to our divorce. The secret is what created the distance between us.
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Old 14th March 2019, 9:01 PM   #399
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Bailey, very early on naive stated that her husband would leave her if he knew, that is why she wont confess. Him leaving isnt in her best interest. One of the things that my wife told me that showed me she was worth taking another chance on was "I didn't trust you to love me for who I was, not all of me" it took me a few weeks to digest those few words. But I believe this is the core of naive womans problem in all of this.
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Old 14th March 2019, 9:13 PM   #400
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Bailey, very early on naive stated that her husband would leave her if he knew, that is why she wont confess. Him leaving isnt in her best interest.
I didnít remember that. Thanks for the clarification.

Clearly, it isnít in her best interest to tell the truth. Which is why, she is vehemently refusing to be honest with her husband and throwing out every excuse or justification she can think of to try and support her decision...

After all, he may not love her, if he knew all of her...
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Old 15th March 2019, 7:54 AM   #401
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Since a lot has been shared in the discussion, I'm not going to edit the thread but I will ask that we steer things back towards the OP and away from general discussion on whether or not to inform the BS.
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Old 15th March 2019, 9:48 AM   #402
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Originally Posted by Aloha123 View Post
Yes you are 100% describing the "aha moment" my husband would have because my behavior has certainly changed over the past 2 years, much like NWs.

To me, you and NW both sound like you are really working hard to understand what happened and learn from it.
I admire that, and I expect it's not an easy thing to do.
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Old 16th March 2019, 8:37 AM   #403
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@Dkt3 and BaileyB- I agree that I am trying to successfully compartmentalize this affair and detach myself from the entire event and place it in a box because not only my husband, my teenage children and my family will never understand how I could possibly have done something so severe. Eventhough, I had some reasons why my marriage was not as strong it doesn't justify the affair. That's a personal decision based off of many things from my past. I don't think 'cheaters' set out looking to cheat but while in the heat of the affair you get many moments of figuring yourself out which I never would have processed before this affair. I was never able to look deep within my core and realize well my father abandoned us when we were little and etc etc. These traumatic experiences would have lingered internally within myself forever. What I am saying now, is if I can continue to grow and figure out self love, I will be able to authentically live a normal life.

Today I choose not too tell as I believe this will affect the dynamics of my family. I can't and won't let my husband and my children down anymore. I will continue with IC and try to out my best efforts forward with the lie lingering.

I apologize to all the posters that dont agree or get extremely upset with this decision but at the end of the day I have to live with it.
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Old 16th March 2019, 8:46 AM   #404
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Naive, I know it may seem harsh at times here, but I hope you continue to engage here.

Regardless of your decision, I'm pulling for you being able to find happiness within your marriage.
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Old 16th March 2019, 9:06 AM   #405
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Thank you! Yes, the comments can be harsh however, I deserve everyone of them. One poster commented that I had no consequences to my actions to cheat. Absolutely disagree with this. I am a broken person. I allowed my heart to become vulnerable to another man. My husband and I are still very distant. The level of disrespect to my H and children are just a few of the consequences that I have to live with. We are not a strong family unit (huge consequence). It seems some posters rather see my H walk away so they can close this thread and you would all believe I would have received what I deserved. Seems not many people belive that I deserve happiness now from this fall out and I agree. Why would I? I dont have the answers to that either.
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