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This affair almost ruined my life!!!


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 15th January 2019, 12:08 PM   #1
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This affair almost ruined my life!!!

Having an affair will never ever fix your marital problems! I was so naive to belive the MM.for years. Finally, after 5 years I found my strength and voice to figure what this was all about. DO NOT ever believe what the MM is saying. I ignored the red flags for years and continued to disconnect and withdraw myself from a perfectly fine marriage. The marriage needed tweaked and I needed to learn but I never thought I would learn after I caused everyone so much pain.
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Old 15th January 2019, 12:14 PM   #2
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Hi Naivewoman - Iím glad you started your own thread. I was just reading your updates on the other and am happy to see you are withstanding his attempts to draw you back in. Is he still showing up?

I was even more happy to see the insights youíre gaining about your relationship as you reflect on this mistake. Nothing our husbdands have done ever justified what we were doing. The problems lied within us. I think seeing you take a step back and push this man away as the enemy to your relationship, rather than a cure for what ails you, is such a great step in the right direction. That has to feel so great! Well done lady!
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Old 15th January 2019, 12:31 PM   #3
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@abetterme. Hi!!! Yes, he showed up this morning. He wants me to continue to drool over him that's all. I will never cave again. I realize he was so toxic. My problem was always but we were friends first and I valued our friendship. The thing is I realize he wasn't my friend. I was his. I was his support and etc. He offered me nothing. It was always about him. Thank u for ur kind words of strength and support. Everyone on here really seems like they care for one another. I cherish this group. I was alone with my feelings and etc. Needed to hear from people that experienced the same things to really come out of the fog. How are you doing??? R things getting back to normal for you. Normal seems a longest out but it's getting a little bit better.
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Old 15th January 2019, 12:33 PM   #4
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Naivewomen, one of your posts in the other thread said that you fell out of love with your husband and he wasn't receptive to your attempts to seek counseling. So are you saying now that you do still love him? As a husband and not just a companion?

If your marital issues haven't actually been resolved I'm afraid the issue of you being tempted to seek attention elsewhere will come back around. Right now you are feeling hurt and rejected by this MM. Maybe (hopefully) I'm wrong, but it seems possible to me you're just finding your safe and soft place to go back to lick your wounds.

Don't misunderstand me - absolutely nothing justifies an affair. That's all on you, not your husband. But unless you really understand the reason you got involved with the MM and have resolved the issues leading to it, you are likely to face the same issue again in the future.

I have read posts here about the wayward spouse just being bored or having no impulse control, but I think in most cases an affair means the marriage wasn't healthy. Maybe the betrayed spouse was happy and satisfied and was blindsided by it. But the wayward spouse acted out for a reason.

I was not responsible for my xH's multiple infidelities, however I was responsible for my half of our marriage and I took responsibility for that. When I looked at things honestly I saw why he acted out.

So what I'm saying is you can't have a good and satisfying marriage all by yourself. I hope you truly are in love with your husband and will be faithful going forward.
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Old 15th January 2019, 12:46 PM   #5
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Finding my way, I know exactly what you mean. At this moment in time, I have brainwashed myself to believe that i no longer love my spouse. I care a great deal about him and wish him no harm. This affair has made me less attractive to him and etc. I first want to get myself to the point where I feel.pity amd sorrowful for what I did to him. He didnt deserve this. He did not deserve what I did to him. Initially when this all started I was still very much In love with my husband. Yes i was bored and i loved the attention from the other. He made me feel beautiful and etc. My husband is introverted and doesnt show emotions well. I craved it!! Nonetheless, i still never looked to cheat this MM had me at hello and i avoided it for 2 years. I had plenty of offers throughout my life to have an affair. I would never be second to anyone and I never would have hurt my spouse. This MM broke me and I caved. So I hold on to every day that I loved my husband before this mess started I feel less brainwashed now that the other is out of my head. Not sure why I needed MM's validation. I was always a confident women. Ughh!! How is you marriage now after all of his infidelities???
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Old 15th January 2019, 1:01 PM   #6
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When one says my marriage was bad so I cheated, what they are really saying is I allow other behaviors to control mine. This will have manifested itself throughout their life, meaning the cheating was not an isolated incident. These people tend to be chronic victims, in thier minds. A victim of childhood, a victim in marriage and a victim in a failed affair.

Women, in general, tend to be the primary caregiver in relationships. With that dynamic, it's hard to admit she is f-ing it up. So they tend to find a way to blame the husband.

Example, I met a man in a support group who found out his wife of 20years started an affair at year 14. When he confronted her she pointed to his every Tuesday poker night as a reason. Oddly enough, he had played poker every Tuesday night since they met. She enjoyed the nights alone, taking long baths with a book, hanging out with her friends and so on...right up until she became interested in another man. Those Tuesday night games that she encouraged for 14 years became the wedge that drove her to her affair....does that make sense? Was it really an issue, or just an excuse to avoid saying I f-ed up?
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Old 15th January 2019, 1:07 PM   #7
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My marriage ended, I chose to divorce when I myself became involved with a man who was separated from his wife and realized that meant I was truly done with my marriage. Even though I've been on both sides of the infidelity issue, I can't relate to the marriages that survive.

I still love my xH, we were married 23 years, I care deeply about what happens to him. I just can't be married to him anymore. We live several hundred miles apart now and stay in touch periodically by text.

My xH didn't want to divorce and I think really misses the stability and security he had knowing I was always there for him, he's said as much. But that didn't mean he would have stopped cheating and we both knew it. Our marriage had turned into simply a partnership of shared assets and family. But that wasn't enough for either of us.

Sadly I loved the MM I got involved with in a much more passionate way than I ever did my xH. But as in most affairs, it crashed and burned. It's a painful experience that brought me to LoveShack in the first place.
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Old 15th January 2019, 1:12 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Naivewomen View Post
Having an affair will never ever fix your marital problems! I was so naive to belive the MM.for years. Finally, after 5 years I found my strength and voice to figure what this was all about. DO NOT ever believe what the MM is saying. I ignored the red flags for years and continued to disconnect and withdraw myself from a perfectly fine marriage. The marriage needed tweaked and I needed to learn but I never thought I would learn after I caused everyone so much pain.
Does your husband know about the affair, just curious? What ended things? Did AP wife find out?
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Old 15th January 2019, 1:12 PM   #9
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DKT3 I think we have to respect that we all have our own stories and experiences.

Your wife just screwed up and then was very sorry and wanted you back and realized what she had lost. That's great.

Not all situations are the same.

There is absolutely no justification for affairs, I've said it repeatedly in numerous posts. But an affair doesn't erase the reality that just maybe the marriage wasn't that great. I'm talking about awareness, not justification.
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Old 15th January 2019, 1:15 PM   #10
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@DKT3. I do not deny that I F'd up. Their is no doubt in my mind. I was no victim. I made a bad choice but once I crossed over I could no longer be intimate with my spouse. I was intimate and pouring my feelings into another. I'm a deep lover and I was willing to take all negative backlash from everyone for what I did. I connected with another I deserved to pay the price. Men do not operate like this. He never stopped intimacy with his spouse. Made me feel less valued and cheap after awhile. I was ALL in and he was never capable.of that. Men and women operate very differently. I cheated. I am paying heavily believe me. Havent been able to be intimate still with my spouse because I want it to be genuine. I want to carry zero feelings for other before I dare to share myself again with my spouse. I need to refeel...
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Old 15th January 2019, 1:18 PM   #11
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I was even more happy to see the insights youíre gaining about your relationship as you reflect on this mistake.
This is me being picky but it's something I feel strongly about...and affair is not a mistake. It is a choice. At any time we could've stopped things but we didn't, it was our choice. A poor choice, a terrible choice, a hurtful choice...but a choice, not a mistake. Again, sorry if I'm being picky, but I feel that when I see someone say "mistake" it usually means they haven't taken full responsibility for their actions.

I am glad to see some introspection from posters here. I think one of the hardest things to get past for MOW is the mental gymnastics done to make their choices okay. Once we are past the "I did this because of H or whatever" and move onto the "I did this because of me and my issues," the true healing can start. But it is not an easy step to take, to take full responsibility for our choices and the pain they cause. It means accepting being the bad guy, accepting that one caused pain to others. It is an important step forward.
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Old 15th January 2019, 1:20 PM   #12
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@naivewoman - Once again, I do think that is such a turning point that youíre able to see him for what he is. I really despise him for putting you in that situation. It reinforces what you say about the dynamic of your relationship anyway....Ēall about himĒ. He doesnít care what it does to you. I am truly so proud of you.

Just you asking how Iím doing actually made me cry today. I have been trying so hard to look within myself and fix what caused me to stray and am maybe just having a tough, overemtional day. I had to travel for work and worked through this last weekend and my husband was so amazing. Helping me out so the house was in great shape when I got home, taking our daughter to do all kinds of fun things, helping his mom at her house....I just canít understand why I was so horrible to him. The guilt has hit about 10 fold. Then I feel worse for even giving an oz of my energy to feeling sad about losing my AP. I have tried so hard to block that out, but I am not successful most days.

Our dynamic became a lot like what you mentioned above. It was all about him, all the time. I am glad to be free of his life challenges but I am sometimes plagued by obsessive thoughts about how perfect things must be for him now that heís rid of me. My birthday is coming up soon and maybe itís causing an increase in my anxiety. I want to hear from him, I donít, but I do. Itís still early days...about 4 weeks NC. Thanks for letting me spit it out. I feel shame even mentioning these feelings to my counselor because itís not about fixing myself and focusing on my husband. Sorry to steal focus on your thread!
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Old 15th January 2019, 1:27 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Finding my way View Post
My marriage ended, I chose to divorce when I myself became involved with a man who was separated from his wife and realized that meant I was truly done with my marriage. Even though I've been on both sides of the infidelity issue, I can't relate to the marriages that survive.

I still love my xH, we were married 23 years, I care deeply about what happens to him. I just can't be married to him anymore. We live several hundred miles apart now and stay in touch periodically by text.

My xH didn't want to divorce and I think really misses the stability and security he had knowing I was always there for him, he's said as much. But that didn't mean he would have stopped cheating and we both knew it. Our marriage had turned into simply a partnership of shared assets and family. But that wasn't enough for either of us.

Sadly I loved the MM I got involved with in a much more passionate way than I ever did my xH. But as in most affairs, it crashed and burned. It's a painful experience that brought me to LoveShack in the first place.
I want to speak about passion for a second. I firmly believe that most women marry guys that they recognize as "good" husband material, but somewhat lack passion and desire for him. This usually doesn't improve as she walks around picking up his dirty underpants.

Now here comes the Steve Harvey 80/20 trade down. While her husband offers 80% of what she needs, she will quickly trade him in for the unemployed 40 something guy who lives in his moms basement but offers the 20% she has been missing. Ignoring all the bright flashing red lights to chase that passion. Fools gold?
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Old 15th January 2019, 1:29 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Bittersweetie View Post
This is me being picky but it's something I feel strongly about...and affair is not a mistake. It is a choice. At any time we could've stopped things but we didn't, it was our choice. A poor choice, a terrible choice, a hurtful choice...but a choice, not a mistake. Again, sorry if I'm being picky, but I feel that when I see someone say "mistake" it usually means they haven't taken full responsibility for their actions.

I am glad to see some introspection from posters here. I think one of the hardest things to get past for MOW is the mental gymnastics done to make their choices okay. Once we are past the "I did this because of H or whatever" and move onto the "I did this because of me and my issues," the true healing can start. But it is not an easy step to take, to take full responsibility for our choices and the pain they cause. It means accepting being the bad guy, accepting that one caused pain to others. It is an important step forward.
@bittersweetie - I think this is semantics in this case. I 100% agree with you. It is a choice, a horrible one (or rather a series of 100s if choices) but per our prior correspondence on that I chose ďmistakeĒ in this context. I think she is past the place of ďblamingĒ her spouse and focusing on her improvement and keeping this man out of her life. Itís helpful for me to read.
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Old 15th January 2019, 1:41 PM   #15
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DKT3 I get what you are saying, but I'm glad you at least qualify your statement with "most".

I am very clear about what happened in my marriage and in my relationship with the MM. Your statements, based on your experience and point of view, rarely ever apply to what I felt or what my motivations were. I'm offering a different point of view.

I respect your experience and your point of view. But you aren't in my head or heart, and obviously you are not a woman. I am a women, you don't speak for me.

Fortunately, we all seem to agree on one thing - Affairs are destructive and never justified.
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