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Question for those doing NC ***Updated***


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 3rd February 2018, 5:12 PM   #61
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Bittersweetie...

I think you have a point about the harsh words touching a nerve...when I started seeing my therapist TWO and HALF years ago...she told me "affairs have no path"...I didn't want to hear it. I thought I was different...It made me so upset. In hindsight, I can see she was right. All it did was cause me pain. And still continues to do so. So, I guess what I am saying is that the harsh words hurt now, and I am not denying they do, but maybe they eventually won't. Thanks for bearing with me.

BTW: I rode my new Peloton bike today and it made me feel a lot better. Too bad I can't have it at work and jump on it when I start ruminating - work is where it happens the most!
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Old 3rd February 2018, 5:37 PM   #62
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I hope that I wasn't harsh, and when I suggested calling a friend or family MM. It was to allow the feelings to subside or better to pass of wanting to break NC.


I only know what helped me to get through those feelings of wanting to break NC.

I'd take a nice walk and talk to anyone I could to get past those feelings.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 6:02 PM   #63
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Thank you! No, I guess it's what I need to hear. It's hard to hear the words "you've been used" - that is painful.

Yes, it does help to distract myself. I was so good. I told myself I'd make it through January, and then Feb 1 came around and I lost control. Yes, there was a glass or two of wine involved.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 6:13 PM   #64
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It took me at least 8 months to stop feeling anxious about a text or call coming in. I tell you the truth, when you realize indifference is how you feel, it's a huge burden off your mind and heart.

For myself, it was as if I began living for myself instead of for the MM.I was a single OW, so I felt I gave much more than I received.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 6:31 PM   #65
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Thank you, Skywriter. I thought I was "immune" and that I would be ok if I didn't get a response. I thought wrong!! I guess I need to give it more time...ok, back on the wagon again.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 6:56 PM   #66
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I thought for sure my xMM would never came back. He just moved on so quickly. And yet 7 months later he DID come back. I still think it’s worth having a plan in place. I wasnt expecting it so it really threw me but luckily nothing came of it.

Scoutj - I thought the same about my xMM moving on with no repercussions, living his happy life whilst I was left picking up the pieces. I think men are much more realistic and logical about the situation. My xMM told me later of course he was sad but that we were a train wreck waiting to happen so from that point of view he glad we ended. Also the stress of leading a double life was starting to get to him and he said he just felt a sense of relief when it was over. I think men just process everything differently to women. There is no point in dwelling on the why’s.
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Old 4th February 2018, 2:52 PM   #67
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Good Sunday afternoon

Hi everyone,

Feeling a little more clarity today. I find when I am away from my job and busy and engaged in my own life I feel much better. Rode my Peloton yesterday and hung out with some friends last night. Now working on a project for another friend. keeping busy helps a lot. Also all of the insight from the people here is a lifesaver!
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Old 4th February 2018, 5:45 PM   #68
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Sadly, with that single text you fed a gigantic meal to his narcissistic need for attention. Now he knows without a doubt he's still got you on a string. He feels very smug about that and is secure in knowing you're still there as a plan b, c, d, whatevs.

There is one and one way only to deal with a narcissist: complete, utter, unwavering, non-negotiable, Ninja-level NO CONTACT.

Scout, don't beat yourself up for caving in. If you spend enough time with a narcissist your brain chemistry is altered, it takes time for the chemistry to regain normalcy. The constant cycle of idealization, devaluation and discard has long-lasting negative effects precisely because the chemistry of the brain becomes accustomed to those huge emotional swings the narcissist delights in inflicting.

Don't let this soul-less trash-heap stain the purity of your life with his vile oozing presence, for I promise you, if he is truly narcissistic, he WILL, without a doubt, "Hoover" you ie. try to suck you back in, like a Hoover vacuum cleaner.

He WILL respond to your text at some point; it might be years. For all you know he's already with another side piece (narcissists always have several back-ups in place).

Whenever he gets bored or otherwise needs your attention he will reach out to you. Your ill-conceived text gave him the green light to do so.

How about *you* block *his* number, Scout? Are you serious about this? Are you looking into why this kind of interaction is acceptable to you?

Stay strong and enjoy the personal satisfaction of knowing nothing drives a narcissist crazier than being completely ignored.
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Old 4th February 2018, 10:15 PM   #69
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CommittedToThis View Post
Sadly, with that single text you fed a gigantic meal to his narcissistic need for attention. Now he knows without a doubt he's still got you on a string. He feels very smug about that and is secure in knowing you're still there as a plan b, c, d, whatevs.

There is one and one way only to deal with a narcissist: complete, utter, unwavering, non-negotiable, Ninja-level NO CONTACT.

Scout, don't beat yourself up for caving in. If you spend enough time with a narcissist your brain chemistry is altered, it takes time for the chemistry to regain normalcy. The constant cycle of idealization, devaluation and discard has long-lasting negative effects precisely because the chemistry of the brain becomes accustomed to those huge emotional swings the narcissist delights in inflicting.

Don't let this soul-less trash-heap stain the purity of your life with his vile oozing presence, for I promise you, if he is truly narcissistic, he WILL, without a doubt, "Hoover" you ie. try to suck you back in, like a Hoover vacuum cleaner.

He WILL respond to your text at some point; it might be years. For all you know he's already with another side piece (narcissists always have several back-ups in place).

Whenever he gets bored or otherwise needs your attention he will reach out to you. Your ill-conceived text gave him the green light to do so.

How about *you* block *his* number, Scout? Are you serious about this? Are you looking into why this kind of interaction is acceptable to you?

Stay strong and enjoy the personal satisfaction of knowing nothing drives a narcissist crazier than being completely ignored.
Thanks for this advice. I'm trying to white-knuckle it through breaking my addiction to social media (for the umpteenth time), and even though the contact is one-sided, it is still, as someone close to me pointed out "like dosing yourself with poison".

I totally agree with you that the brain gets used to the high-low roller coaster of emotions and when that is gone it takes quite some time to retrain it to become accustomed to flat land. It may be also that the brain is highly attuned to rewards (especially one prone to addiction) and so it really misses those high points, and tends to forget the lows.

Scout, these things happen. What matters is that you dusted yourself off and got back to doing positive things.
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Old 5th February 2018, 1:46 AM   #70
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Originally Posted by Bittersweetie View Post
One more thing...my xAP never did contact me again. But I did have a plan in place. And I felt so much better just to have a plan in place just in case. And I've never used it in 8+ years, but that doesn't matter. I felt more confident in myself knowing I had my own plan ready to go. It can't hurt to come up with one.
What was your plan Bittersweetie?

I am 99 percent certain xmm will never approach me again because he is deathly afraid of me telling his wife.

No plan here but maybe that would be a reassurance to have in place.

Poppy.
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Old 5th February 2018, 11:23 AM   #71
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Ugh

Quote:
Originally Posted by CommittedToThis View Post
Sadly, with that single text you fed a gigantic meal to his narcissistic need for attention. Now he knows without a doubt he's still got you on a string. He feels very smug about that and is secure in knowing you're still there as a plan b, c, d, whatevs.

There is one and one way only to deal with a narcissist: complete, utter, unwavering, non-negotiable, Ninja-level NO CONTACT.

Scout, don't beat yourself up for caving in. If you spend enough time with a narcissist your brain chemistry is altered, it takes time for the chemistry to regain normalcy. The constant cycle of idealization, devaluation and discard has long-lasting negative effects precisely because the chemistry of the brain becomes accustomed to those huge emotional swings the narcissist delights in inflicting.

Don't let this soul-less trash-heap stain the purity of your life with his vile oozing presence, for I promise you, if he is truly narcissistic, he WILL, without a doubt, "Hoover" you ie. try to suck you back in, like a Hoover vacuum cleaner.

He WILL respond to your text at some point; it might be years. For all you know he's already with another side piece (narcissists always have several back-ups in place).

Whenever he gets bored or otherwise needs your attention he will reach out to you. Your ill-conceived text gave him the green light to do so.

How about *you* block *his* number, Scout? Are you serious about this? Are you looking into why this kind of interaction is acceptable to you?

Stay strong and enjoy the personal satisfaction of knowing nothing drives a narcissist crazier than being completely ignored.
That’s what I was afraid of. But I do like “soul less trash heap” and “vile oozing”! I will have to keep that in mind.

Why don’t I block him? Good question. Maybe I still feel like there will be a chance for closure...
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Old 5th February 2018, 12:42 PM   #72
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Poppy47 View Post
What was your plan Bittersweetie?

I am 99 percent certain xmm will never approach me again because he is deathly afraid of me telling his wife.

No plan here but maybe that would be a reassurance to have in place.

Poppy.
My plan was WALK AWAY and SAY NOTHING.

I figured if I ever saw him, I would just walk in the other direction, away. And if he tried to talk to me, I would say nothing (because when it comes down to it, there is nothing to say), and walk away. When I would think about running into him I'd just tell myself: walk away, say nothing. Walk away say nothing. I started to associate his face with "walk away say nothing."

It was simple and maybe naive but I wanted to be prepared. Fortunately I've never had to use it.
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Old 5th February 2018, 12:58 PM   #73
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What was your plan Bittersweetie?

I am 99 percent certain xmm will never approach me again because he is deathly afraid of me telling his wife.

No plan here but maybe that would be a reassurance to have in place.

Poppy.
Do you ever think about telling his wife?
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Old 5th February 2018, 3:11 PM   #74
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Hi Scout,
I have fantasized about handing her and envelope full of his passionate love letters.I believe this is called "revenge" fantasy.

In reality, I accidentally met her once at a charity function. She appeared to be a very sweet lady. It was a complete shock to come face to face with her as I had no idea that she would be in attendance.

We are all older people. exMM is 76 this year, the wife is 75 and I am 70. I could see no point in ruining the rest of her life, or his for that matter.

Revelation would surely result in great unhappiness for the lady and for what?

Poppy.
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Old 5th February 2018, 3:16 PM   #75
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You are very kind, Poppy. I have never met ex-MMS wife, nor will I ever. She had two young kids with this jerk, and I sometimes worry about her, as odd as that seems. I wouldn’t tell her to hurt her, but sometimes I wonder if she knows what a narcissist she married.
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