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Question for those doing NC ***Updated***


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 10th January 2018, 8:09 PM   #1
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Question for those doing NC ***Updated***

I am on day 37 of self-imposed NC. For those of you doing NC, is it self-imposed or did you and MM/MW decide to cut ties all together?

Just curious.
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Old 10th January 2018, 8:31 PM   #2
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Mine is self imposed.

We did the whole cut ties thing (twice) - the first time it lasted 4 weeks and the second time 6 weeks.

I find it easier now to just live my life and not stress about the fact that I’m in NC. He is no longer a part of my life anymore.

However my A ended a long time ago.
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Old 10th January 2018, 8:47 PM   #3
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Grey Cloud - How long was your affair?

Does it feel weird that you never talk to him anymore? Do you ever wonder what he is doing?

My affair is over too, we said we'd be friends. But I don't think that is possible. We don't live near each other and barely saw each other anyway. It just feels weird that I may never see or talk to him again.
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Old 10th January 2018, 9:03 PM   #4
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I had a 3 week fling last summer with a MM, I know him through work but don’t see him much. He NC with me and was so hurtful, I wish he would have been up front and honest with me especially when he was the one who initiated everything and played me until he got what he wanted. I thought we were actually friends and I thought highly of him. I never would have ever thought I would get in that position for I was always against affairs and cheating but he got in my head badly. Now that I’m over it, he did me a favor NC because I was crushing on him big time. I see him sometimes at work and it hurts when I see him, I wish he would have never got in my head, but NC is the best thing to do, the less I see him the better I feel with moving on. I would recommend being honest with the AP and going NC, just speaking from experience. Good luck
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Old 10th January 2018, 11:10 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Scoutjr View Post
Grey Cloud - How long was your affair?

Does it feel weird that you never talk to him anymore? Do you ever wonder what he is doing?

My affair is over too, we said we'd be friends. But I don't think that is possible. We don't live near each other and barely saw each other anyway. It just feels weird that I may never see or talk to him again.
It was 12 months before the A ended (when he left work) but looking back we really we were in an EA after that for maybe another 12 months, though he would never admit to that!! In his mind if we weren’t physical we weren’t having an A. He would say we were just friends - but nonetheless our friendship was secret and inappropriate.

Yes, when we first ended it felt totally weird that I wouldn’t talk to him anymore and yes I wondered what he was doing 24/7.

So I went for the alternative of remaining friends and I did talk to him and did know what he was doing. But that at times was even more painful. I found I was stronger during the periods I didn’t talk to him and didn’t know what he was up to.

So I guess I went about it the hard way and the drawn out way. I know now that NC is the only way. But it took me a LONG time to reach that point.
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Old 10th January 2018, 11:10 PM   #6
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HI Scout,
My affair was almost 10 years long. I was the one who went NC .

Sent him a text, telling him to go away. He sent back one word..."Done".

We have never been in contact since. He is blocked everywhere but he wouldn't ever break the NC.

Poppy
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Old 11th January 2018, 10:59 AM   #7
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My affair began in 2008 and it has been off/ on ever since then for years.
He was always the one who discarded me without saying a word but he also always reappeared. The sexual part of the A had been over for a long time already but a few months ago I went NC on him . I couldn't bear the stress anymore of knowing that he would discard me AGAIN. It was so stressful so this time it was I who walked away. For good.

I miss him so much and it hurts but it's the only way
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Old 11th January 2018, 12:15 PM   #8
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Hi!

Im almost same time NC as you with exMM

He said we couldn´t continue to "be a couple right now" but that he wanted to maintain contact with me. I told him that I wasn´t interested in that, and that considering some things that happened during the last month of our R, I wasn´t even interested in continuing with him, even if he did end his marriage. I told him to never call me again. He left the door open for me to contact him in case I want to talk, which i won´t do. He is too proud to contact me so I believe Im safe without blocking

I don´t believe you can be friends with MM, and in my case he had some actitudes a friend wouldn´t, (at least not the people I choose to be friends with).

Good luck!!
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Old 11th January 2018, 1:13 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Adoraxx View Post
My affair began in 2008 and it has been off/ on ever since then for years.
He was always the one who discarded me without saying a word but he also always reappeared. The sexual part of the A had been over for a long time already but a few months ago I went NC on him . I couldn't bear the stress anymore of knowing that he would discard me AGAIN. It was so stressful so this time it was I who walked away. For good.

I miss him so much and it hurts but it's the only way

Is there a link to your story? My partner has always been in and out too, so I am interested.
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Old 11th January 2018, 3:58 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Poppy47 View Post
HI Scout,
My affair was almost 10 years long. I was the one who went NC .

Sent him a text, telling him to go away. He sent back one word..."Done".

We have never been in contact since. He is blocked everywhere but he wouldn't ever break the NC.

Poppy
Almost the same way it ended for me. I sent a text saying I was done, that we weren't friends, and asked that he delete my number. He said he felt the same and then wrote "deleted". Have said only a couple of words to him in almost 7 months now since then. I stay as far away as I can. He's made a couple of half-hearted attempts to reel me back (most recently just after Christmas) but I didn't bite.

So back to my humdrum life. :/ I don't know if he's got someone else on the hook now or not.
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Old 11th January 2018, 4:10 PM   #11
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It has been mentioned in this forum before, and I wholeheartedly agree: don't think of not talking with your ex as forever, take it day by day.

xMM and I went back and forth for exactly two years. I explained everything I felt to him, but I had been doing this throughout the affair. I even read parts of my journal to him. So, it wasn't a secret that I had been hurting and trying to end things; I had been hurting him and me... and I wanted to stop. He admitted that he wouldn't be my friend without sex being involved. I told him that wouldn't work for me. It would mean that our "friendship" even would never be out in the open... it would be an emotional affair, and he would be trying to get sex!

It was very hard for me to end it and go no contact. Very hard, mostly because of my own feelings. But I did it, and each day, I keep choosing NC. By doing this, I am choosing myself - my actions say it and my words say it.

He is also proud and had said repeatedly that he wouldn't come back, but he has attempted three different times and I have had to block him. At one point, I even considered changing my phone number. And even though he no longer works for my employer, I have considered changing jobs - or moving to another location because he is still friends with several of my co-workers and he asks them about me. And they don't know (as far as I know) about the affair, so they tell me when he asks about me...

I can't think of it as forever sometimes, but ... I have noticed that when I am out there living my life, I don't think about it at all. I think of it as he was the one who actually decided our outcome, because his actions said loud and clear that he chose his wife - which was his prerogative. He would disagree, but he is wrong. His actions did (and still do, as far as I know) say that he chooses his wife. So, I chose my wife (i.e., myself).

Last edited by Vivir; 11th January 2018 at 4:19 PM..
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Old 11th January 2018, 5:33 PM   #12
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Almost the same way it ended for me. I sent a text saying I was done, that we weren't friends, and asked that he delete my number. He said he felt the same and then wrote "deleted". Have said only a couple of words to him in almost 7 months now since then. I stay as far away as I can. He's made a couple of half-hearted attempts to reel me back (most recently just after Christmas) but I didn't bite.

So back to my humdrum life. :/ I don't know if he's got someone else on the hook now or not.
I have had not a word from xMM. He will not. He is afraid that I will tell his wife, not that I ever would but he is basically a coward at heart.
I went NC before this time but left FBook open. He kept posting soppy messages and I ended up being tempted again.

This time everything is blocked completely. Don't know what he has posted and I don't want to know.

I read an article about how to go NC the correct way. The only way is to block everything and excommunicate him from your life. It is successful.

Poppy.
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Old 11th January 2018, 6:56 PM   #13
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Self Imposed.

He seemed to get indifferent yet never let me go.. push pull was hectic. On top of that my guilt and self respect ( cant beleive I still got a bit of it left)creeped in.

Sent a good bye message , he sent me a 2 para‘please dont go’mail... but then again after a day I sent ‘I cant do this really’.. he sent ‘Ok’... thats that. 14 months... nada. I still have to get over the feeling that I need an apology from him, apart from that.. its only fading.

Last edited by freengreen; 11th January 2018 at 6:59 PM..
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Old 12th January 2018, 7:13 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by CantTakeMySmile View Post
Is there a link to your story? My partner has always been in and out too, so I am interested.
I think I have posted my story some time ago but I'm not sure when. Maybe you can click on my name and see what posts come up? Are you in NC now too or are you still in the on/ off/ on/ off phase? It's torturous isn't it...

Hugs
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Old 12th January 2018, 9:09 AM   #15
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I am in NC now. Been since the day after Thanksgiving. And yes, man, it is awful.....especially, since she has been known to come back... and I want that... but I don't want that... but I do... you know how it goes...


It is pretty awful... I have a very heavy heart.
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