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death in MM's family


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 27th November 2017, 6:59 AM   #466
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That is exactly what I thought when I read this discussion... At some point, being hurt becomes a choice. YOU are the cause of your own pain.

Sad to me, because this MM is letting you go and you are hurting when you should be celebrating. More sad to me, that there is another MM circling and you could well fall into the same painful pattern, with another man.

I hope you find it within yourself to expect more from your life. Because, this is no way to live a happy life.
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Old 27th November 2017, 11:17 AM   #467
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Scarlet, why does being the victim identify you?

3 MORE years have passed since you started this thread...when do YOU free yourself from this chaos/mess?
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Old 27th November 2017, 11:53 AM   #468
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Scarlet, it took me a long time to finally learn that there are some questions in life you will never get the answer to. The only thing you can do is let go of these questions or they will eat you alive.

20+ years ago, my best girl friend - one I thought of as a sister - ghosted me and ended our friendship. To this day I have no idea why. I held on to the question - why would she do this to me? why? why? why? - for years...decades actually. Looking back, I harmed myself by holding on to that question. I finally let it go, and I now have amazing girlfriends, who are kind, funny, caring. I wasn't truly able to open up to new friendships until I let go of the pain of the one that hurt me.

You have been given a gift. MM is gone. You can heal and move forward and find happiness and strength. Good luck.
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Old 29th November 2017, 3:37 PM   #469
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It should come as no surprise that the week his wife was away had came and went and he didn't contact me to arrange, or cancel or explain. The very last thing he had texted me prior to her going away was "call you soon" and I haven't heard anything from him for months now. There was no "I can't see you anymore", there was no "stop contacting me", just complete silence from him...
I texted once to see if he was okay, no response. I called him once, no answer, no call back. No idea if he still has the same phone number. If itís someone elseís phone number now, they never said wrong number.

But cue me to being back in confusion, why would he give me the impression that he was going to keep seeing me if his ultimate plan was to disappear without a word? He could have just done that without the false hope like I said earlier this year since we were already drifting. And to think back on the times when he would say he wouldnít leave me hanging, that heíd tell me because he didnít want to be a jerk like that, but I guess he has disappeared forever now, without a goodbye. We werenít fighting or anything. The last couple of times I saw him, he would get a big smile on his face and was happy to see me.

Even though the writing was always on the wall and I could see the end coming, youíre still never fully prepared for the heartache, the pain and the grieving when it does happen. Add to it by not having anyone to talk to about it. I love him and miss him terribly. I want to be with him and I lost my best friend and thereís nothing I can do about it because he wants a life without me in it. Iím crying all the time.

Another married man is showing interest in me and he says he's in the process of divorcing but she's being difficult in mediation and that she already has a boyfriend. Iíve got both hands pushed out saying no, talk after itís finalized. No way am I going to make another man feel better just so they can end up staying married to someone they donít even love.
Scarlet, I have read every post of this thread and I wish I could hold you in my arms and tell you its going to be OK and to please move on with your life. Please find someone that isn't married and find love in the right place.

First off you need to stop picking married men. I couldn't figure out how old you are but you don't seem to have much self-esteem or confidence.

You kept trying to get a different job. Maybe you need help from a job coach with your resume and interview skills since others seem to get picked before you.

As far as the silent treatment, I had the exact same thing happen to me. He wanted to see me and I told him I had a cold and didn't want to give it to him on a Wednesday. Thursday I texted him are you ok and I got a yes. I NEVER heard from him again even after texts asking why, are you ok, don't leave me in limbo, and a final text about how he lied to me. Total and complete silence. I probably will never know what happened and I was making it all about me so I was miserable. When I finally realized that it wasn't all about me and I was better off, I could begin to heal. Trust me you will have really bad days but it will get better slowly.
Scarlet, please learn to love yourself.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 9:04 AM   #470
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Scarlett,

As hard as this is and as hurt as you are, I am actually happy for you that this happened. He was your Kryptonite. You were never going to get over him. You simply didn't want to. For all that the relationship had some fatal flaws, you loved him with your whole heart and were going to hang in there for as long as you could to see it through to the bitter end. So, in that respect, I'm glad he ghosted you. It's the first thing he's done that in all honesty is best for you, even if it hurts.

However, I'm still royally ticked at him. He owed you a goodbye. For as bad as he treated you, he owed you the dignity of good bye. To let you know that it was well and truly over. Because even now, I believe there is a tiny part of you that hopes he will come back.

Can i give you some advice? Please seek some counselling and share with a very non-judgmental counselor all of your thoughts and experiences. Work with that counselor to start to heal properly, not just papering over the cracks until he call again. I would love to see you have the strength to change your phone number, your job and your apartment... to make it completely clean of both memories and his ability to contact you. Once you know it's over - because YOU decided it's over - you will heal.

Scarlett, all along my heart has ached for you. You seem like a vulnerable woman who has low self-esteem and just wants to be loved. I get lonely - I've been there before - and I can understand how overwhelming it is. But, you are lovable and you can find love. First, you need to heal, then start to build up your own self-confidence and self-love. From there, you will establish hard and fast boundaries that will attract the right partner... a SINGLE guy who will treat you with the respect and courtesy that you demand.

Please, please, please with all of my heart and soul, I am begging you to ignore the new married guy and heal from this last one. We all want you to have a great life, Scarlett. But, not one of us can make those hard choices for you which will lead to a great life. If you keep making bad choices, you will experience this same pain again.

I'm rooting for you! GG
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Old 3rd December 2017, 1:24 PM   #471
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If I understand correctly, he disappeared in July, 5 months ago?
And youíre crying and missing him?
Why? You should be celebrating your freedom from this toxic man who tortures you for so long.
You should be traveling and dating and having fun.
Please donít waste another minute even thinking about this loser.
You donít need him for anything.
Step out into the sunshine and finally start living.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 10:44 AM   #472
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I had my first full week where I finally wasnít crying or thinking about him but then two different people brought him back into focus and Iím back to crying again. They donít know about what we did or that heís not talking to me, they just know that we were really close in the office when he worked there.

I was working at my desk, not talking, minding my business, and my coworker comes up to me and nonchalantly says she talked to him recently because she needed to ask his wife about a job opening for someone she knows. She tells me she had told him that he sounded different and almost thought she had dialed the wrong number. Heíd have to call her sometimes for info when he worked with us so she knows the usual way he talks on the phone and she said she couldnít find the word to describe it but it confused her. It was him but it wasnít him. Then she said that his wifeís office opens next month, and then she walked away. So then Iím left at my desk to wonder why am I being told this... Iíve never had any conversations with her about him and nothing happened prior for her to casually reveal this to me.

And then another day, out of the blue, a different coworker texts me a photo of him with one of his grandkids. Once again, there were no prior conversations that would lead up to sending me a picture. I didnít ask why they sent it because I didnít want to start a dialog about it. But seeing him in the photo upset me and Iím surprised I have tears left after all the crying I have already done last month.

Itís easy to say move on, let him go, but even when you are taking the steps to do it, these unpreventable bumps appear, whether itís from coworkers, family or friends. All the ĎHave you heard from him?í ĎWonder how heís doing?í Youíd pretty much have to go full witness protection if you want no one to ever bring him up. And I wouldnít be surprised if people ask him about me too. We were at the hip for 12 years, you see him you see me, itís automatic association.
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Old 24th December 2017, 1:13 PM   #473
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I hope you will get help dealing with your feeling vs the evidence and reality of what has happened.

He's never REALLY given you absolute signals that you should even wait...or that he was even interested in seeing you.

Your reality may be skewed.

Please seek professional help.
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Old 24th December 2017, 1:51 PM   #474
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Scarlett,

I think what you just experienced is actually pretty normal. I used to call them ďnear missesĒ and when I was trying to heal from a breakup, the near misses would also throw me. I would end up crying or day dreaming or any other thing that kept me thinking of him. But what I also experienced - and what I think you will too - is that the focus on him would wane again and that this time, itís faster than the breakup. And next time, it will be faster than this time. Each time, it got easier. Then, I would actually get to a place where I would want to still care just because I was lonely, but knew that I was well and truly over him.

I hope today finds you a little bit better.

Hugs, GG
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Old 25th February 2018, 8:59 AM   #475
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Stages of Grief

I think Iíve entered into the anger stage of grief. A couple more people have quit at work and Iíve been so preoccupied with those responsibilities that I havenít had time to go to the restroom, let alone think about anything. Havenít been crying either. But then several different people kept saying his name in conversations recently, even though they werenít talking about MM, just coincidence that he has the same name, but his name is not common enough to be heard as often as I was hearing it. And they would keep saying it instead of using pronouns, like when someone talks in third person, and I just wanted to scream shut up, I donít want to hear his name. Even heard it on a radio ad too.

Then the other day my coworker sent me a random text again, and once again nothing was said prior to this happening, and it contained a screenshot of MMís post of a newspaper ad of his wifeís new business with her photo on it. I didnít understand why I had to see this and spite & bitterness rose up in me and I replied with something about newspapers are the toilet for birds and hamsters.

All the things Iíve read about NC, donít talk to him, donít think about him, donít run into him, donít stalk his social media, but nothing mentioned when it gets sent to you, unwanted.
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Old 25th February 2018, 9:30 AM   #476
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I think Iíve entered into the anger stage of grief. A couple more people have quit at work and Iíve been so preoccupied with those responsibilities that I havenít had time to go to the restroom, let alone think about anything. Havenít been crying either. But then several different people kept saying his name in conversations recently, even though they werenít talking about MM, just coincidence that he has the same name, but his name is not common enough to be heard as often as I was hearing it. And they would keep saying it instead of using pronouns, like when someone talks in third person, and I just wanted to scream shut up, I donít want to hear his name. Even heard it on a radio ad too.

Then the other day my coworker sent me a random text again, and once again nothing was said prior to this happening, and it contained a screenshot of MMís post of a newspaper ad of his wifeís new business with her photo on it. I didnít understand why I had to see this and spite & bitterness rose up in me and I replied with something about newspapers are the toilet for birds and hamsters.

All the things Iíve read about NC, donít talk to him, donít think about him, donít run into him, donít stalk his social media, but nothing mentioned when it gets sent to you, unwanted.
Scarlet, who and what are you mad at?
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Old 25th February 2018, 9:38 AM   #477
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I think Iíve entered into the anger stage of grief. A couple more people have quit at work and Iíve been so preoccupied with those responsibilities that I havenít had time to go to the restroom, let alone think about anything. Havenít been crying either. But then several different people kept saying his name in conversations recently, even though they werenít talking about MM, just coincidence that he has the same name, but his name is not common enough to be heard as often as I was hearing it. And they would keep saying it instead of using pronouns, like when someone talks in third person, and I just wanted to scream shut up, I donít want to hear his name. Even heard it on a radio ad too.

Then the other day my coworker sent me a random text again, and once again nothing was said prior to this happening, and it contained a screenshot of MMís post of a newspaper ad of his wifeís new business with her photo on it. I didnít understand why I had to see this and spite & bitterness rose up in me and I replied with something about newspapers are the toilet for birds and hamsters.

All the things Iíve read about NC, donít talk to him, donít think about him, donít run into him, donít stalk his social media, but nothing mentioned when it gets sent to you, unwanted.
Scarlett,

I know itís hard but at some point, you need to stop you from making random connections back to him. The text from the friend was out of your control - but a name on the radio or in other conversations was simply the same name - a coincidence. It is not a sign but instead a trap your mind is using to keep you connected to him. Tell your mind to knock it off.
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Old 28th February 2018, 4:28 AM   #478
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You definitely need a NEW job. A fresh start!

Start looking immediately. This will help you immensely.
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Old 28th February 2018, 9:50 PM   #479
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You definitely need a NEW job. A fresh start!

Start looking immediately. This will help you immensely.

And do you realize that it's been 3-1/2 YEARS since you started this thread? All the years wasted on this MM who hasn't shown any interest for a long time.
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