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death in MM's family


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Old 21st September 2014, 4:58 PM   #16
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No, don't communicate with him right now.

When he's stressed he's made it perfectly clear that he needs you to stay away and not to bug him.

When you hear FROM him - that is the appropriate time to express how you feel about his loss with his Dad.

For now just leave it alone.
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Old 23rd September 2014, 6:14 PM   #17
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It's so hard not being able to reach out and know how he's doing while he's going through this. I see all the comments everyone is posting for him, supporting and encouraging, and I'm the one who has to keep quiet and give him space. I did send a sympathy text though, I had to, but no reply from him as per normal and yes I've kept quiet since.

I guess I get a little worried about how he's going to interpret my silence and hopefully he appreciates that I'm respecting him. I don't want our next fight to be about "my dad died and you didn't attempt to call or comfort me like everyone else".
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Old 23rd September 2014, 6:40 PM   #18
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It's so hard not being able to reach out and know how he's doing while he's going through this. I see all the comments everyone is posting for him, supporting and encouraging, and I'm the one who has to keep quiet and give him space. I did send a sympathy text though, I had to, but no reply from him as per normal and yes I've kept quiet since.

I guess I get a little worried about how he's going to interpret my silence and hopefully he appreciates that I'm respecting him. I don't want our next fight to be about "my dad died and you didn't attempt to call or comfort me like everyone else".
You sent your text and he didn't reply. You say this is typical of him... In past situations, would you text despite the silence or did you just let it be until you reconnected?

I'd continue with the status quo of what your relationship has been thus far. If previously you'd text and he'd not reply, and you'd lay low, then do that. If you'd text occasionally despite no response, continue to do so and continue to be sympathetic. Unless he's given you a reason to suspect the relationship is over, continue to operate as your dynamic dictates.

It could be a number of factors keeping him quiet, not the least of which would be a lack of opportunity to reach out to you. Don't panic just yet.
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Old 23rd September 2014, 10:31 PM   #19
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It's so hard not being able to reach out and know how he's doing while he's going through this. I see all the comments everyone is posting for him, supporting and encouraging, and I'm the one who has to keep quiet and give him space. I did send a sympathy text though, I had to, but no reply from him as per normal and yes I've kept quiet since.

I guess I get a little worried about how he's going to interpret my silence and hopefully he appreciates that I'm respecting him. I don't want our next fight to be about "my dad died and you didn't attempt to call or comfort me like everyone else".
You sent a sympathy text. Why would he be worried how he's gonna interpret your silence? He didn't text you back to say thanks or anything.

Honestly, right now I highly doubt you're in his mind. He is dealing with the death of his father, the last thing he's worrying about is you. Sorry to be blunt but please try change your way of thinking. And don't anticipate what he may or may not say, why even go there.

HE is married, he has a wife so I doubt he'll be saying the bolded.
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Old 24th September 2014, 8:22 AM   #20
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You did open the door by texting him and he did not respond-if he comes around later and tries to make you feel badly, remember you did try-

I applaud your efforts to stay out of it- I am sure its difficult, but you are doing the right thing-
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Old 24th September 2014, 11:51 AM   #21
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You sent a sympathy text. Why would he be worried how he's gonna interpret your silence? He didn't text you back to say thanks or anything.

Honestly, right now I highly doubt you're in his mind. He is dealing with the death of his father, the last thing he's worrying about is you. Sorry to be blunt but please try change your way of thinking. And don't anticipate what he may or may not say, why even go there.

HE is married, he has a wife so I doubt he'll be saying the bolded.
Isn't this anticipating what he may or may not be thinking?

OP - don't assume things in either direction. You opened the door and sent a text, that is fine, the door is open for him to respond. If he were to come back upset I would bring up that you did reach out and was waiting to hear from him; the ball was in his court.

If you want to talk to him, give him a call or whatever means you two usually communicate. He is probably just busy.
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Old 24th September 2014, 1:21 PM   #22
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Isn't this anticipating what he may or may not be thinking?

OP - don't assume things in either direction. You opened the door and sent a text, that is fine, the door is open for him to respond. If he were to come back upset I would bring up that you did reach out and was waiting to hear from him; the ball was in his court.

If you want to talk to him, give him a call or whatever means you two usually communicate. He is probably just busy.
Yes it is and we all do that on this site, give our 2 cents. Of course it's not fact. I could be wrong.

He hasn't reached out to her at all, he wasn't the one who even told her about the death of his father. She texted and he hasn't even replied to her so I am going on that information. Plus, they recently had a fight, ending their affair.

Yes he is busy and grieving the loss of his father.
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Old 24th September 2014, 2:07 PM   #23
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Yes it is and we all do that on this site, give our 2 cents. Of course it's not fact. I could be wrong.

He hasn't reached out to her at all, he wasn't the one who even told her about the death of his father. She texted and he hasn't even replied to her so I am going on that information. Plus, they recently had a fight, ending their affair.

Yes he is busy and grieving the loss of his father.
It's hard to tell. She also said not replying to texts is his MO. She knows best so I think sending the sympathy text was appropriate. I wouldn't interpret his silence as anything, especially since this is normal for them.

If it's a few weeks from now and still nothing, then maybe something might be up.

Every situation and affair is different. If it had been my MM's family that had a death, he'd want a text. He'd reach out as soon as he could to include me in the grieving process. But if it had been me and a death in my family, I may not have reached out right away for the simple fact that my family really collects after a death. Private time would be few and far between for several weeks. I'd want a text, but I may not get back to him for a few hours or a few days. It just all depends.
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Old 24th September 2014, 2:14 PM   #24
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Yes it is and we all do that on this site, give our 2 cents. Of course it's not fact. I could be wrong.

He hasn't reached out to her at all, he wasn't the one who even told her about the death of his father. She texted and he hasn't even replied to her so I am going on that information. Plus, they recently had a fight, ending their affair.

Yes he is busy and grieving the loss of his father.
Okay, I was just pointing out you were doing the same thing you were telling her not to do.

You are assuming he isn't thinking of her. That isn't known unless he has said that to you. He may not be, he may. It really doesn't matter. I wouldn't extrapolate assumptions or conclusions that aren't known. Just like the OP shouldn't do that.
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Old 24th September 2014, 5:44 PM   #25
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I would send a condolence text. I know my MM tends to retreat within himself when big bad stuff happens so I go out of my way during those times to make sure he knows he's loved and cared about. Even if he doesn't respond, he'll know you care and are thinking of him.

Don't let your head get away from you about what might happen. Your head can be your own worst enemy. Just be there for him, don't push for a bit and see what happens. Be his soft place to fall
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Old 24th September 2014, 6:15 PM   #26
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I would send a condolence text. I know my MM tends to retreat within himself when big bad stuff happens so I go out of my way during those times to make sure he knows he's loved and cared about. Even if he doesn't respond, he'll know you care and are thinking of him.

Don't let your head get away from you about what might happen. Your head can be your own worst enemy. Just be there for him, don't push for a bit and see what happens. Be his soft place to fall
I think this is the difficult aspect of the A situation here..."being there" for the person and being their "soft place to fall" seems very murky esp when being their soft place to land often involves not really being there in many respects and waiting for them to come to you and clue you in while like what Scarlet is doing, you're on the other end completely unaware of what is really happening with them and you're just guessing and driving yourself mad. It's not fair IMO to just be the soft place to fall, the comfort zone but not actively involved in other aspects of how they are going about their lives. That can be a dangerous place IMO.

In an open relationship most people wouldn't tolerate their partner shutting them out and then just waiting until they wanted a soft place to fall to welcome them in. Part of being partners in most relationships is compromising, realizing you can't shut the person out but instead letting them in on things as they happen. Also, it's easier to support when you can be around them versus you are on the other end of a phone or wherever waiting for them to signal for you. I think there is a big difference for example, between me being there for my bf if he is having a tough time by offering to come over and make food, sitting with him, helping him to make phone calls, running errands etc. while he is grieving and waiting for him to talk about it vs. when my bf is married and all I can do is wait for him to call me when he wants a soft place to land. The former is more inclusive and feels a lot more like what true support looks like vs. the latter where support can be mistaken for being used as an emotional pillow without the full benefits of what a true partnership is about.

Just my thought on that esp in reference to Scarlet's case.

Last edited by MissBee; 24th September 2014 at 6:17 PM..
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Old 24th September 2014, 6:28 PM   #27
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The dynamic in your affair must be pretty different than mine. It is NEVER a mistake to reach out with condolences.

When MM's brother dropped dead suddenly, MM called me immediately. We decided I would not go to the wake or funeral as I did not know his brother - but I let him know I would be there for him in any way I could.

I was with him the first time he visited his brother's grave (he took the death kind of hard). He often opens up to me about his feelings about this, and even dreams he has of his brother.

He also phoned me when he was collapsing from an infection, then from intensive care, and phoned me the minute his grandchild was born and wasn't even out of the delivery room yet.

He spent several weeks in hospital and I visited him almost every day.

I would think NOT KNOWING would be the hardest. The least he could do is text you saying really busy with family stuff etc.
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Old 24th September 2014, 6:54 PM   #28
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This is true, my head is going all over. I know he's busy and I know he's grieving and he's tired and my heart aches that his heart is broken by this.

I want to comfort and support him but he's getting all of that from his family, he can't talk to me or he doesn't want to reveal his weakened state, I can only assume. I know one time I had a break down before our A and I wanted to talk to him but he didn't answer and afterwards I was glad he didn't get to hear me being upset.

I feel I should start grieving the loss of him because even though he hasn't told me any differently yet and in our last conversation we were still very much in the on position, I feel he's going to focus back on his family now. With all the religious posts and the "I love my family" going on his page, I don't see how he'd still want me and I think this might be the shake up he needed to realize his life isn't so bad that he didn't need me as a distraction after all. Unless of course after the dust settles and they all revert back to the way they were before.
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Old 24th September 2014, 7:02 PM   #29
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The dynamic in your affair must be pretty different than mine. It is NEVER a mistake to reach out with condolences.

When MM's brother dropped dead suddenly, MM called me immediately. We decided I would not go to the wake or funeral as I did not know his brother - but I let him know I would be there for him in any way I could.

I was with him the first time he visited his brother's grave (he took the death kind of hard). He often opens up to me about his feelings about this, and even dreams he has of his brother.

He also phoned me when he was collapsing from an infection, then from intensive care, and phoned me the minute his grandchild was born and wasn't even out of the delivery room yet.

He spent several weeks in hospital and I visited him almost every day.

I would think NOT KNOWING would be the hardest. The least he could do is text you saying really busy with family stuff etc.
The not knowing is indeed the hardest. He shields me from everything and he admits doing it on purpose. I've talked to him many times about how it makes me feel but he's adamant about keeping limited contact because he doesn't want his W finding out. He wants me to assume everything's okay until he says it's not. It's hard to do that when all the actions say otherwise.
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Old 24th September 2014, 7:48 PM   #30
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I think this is the difficult aspect of the A situation here..."being there" for the person and being their "soft place to fall" seems very murky esp when being their soft place to land often involves not really being there in many respects and waiting for them to come to you and clue you in while like what Scarlet is doing, you're on the other end completely unaware of what is really happening with them and you're just guessing and driving yourself mad. It's not fair IMO to just be the soft place to fall, the comfort zone but not actively involved in other aspects of how they are going about their lives. That can be a dangerous place IMO.
I'll have to respectfully disagree. I'm not saying ALWAYS be the safe place to fall no matter what s/he does. I'm saying in some situations, I believe that reaching out is the right thing to do unless you're NC by their request or because you are trying to end it. This is a serious loss of someone close to him. I don't think it is EVER wrong to comfort someone that you love that has suffered such a close loss, whether you get a response back from them or not. The hope is to be somewhat of a comfort in a rough situation.

That's just me and how I handle things, though.
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