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Falling in love with a married man


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

 
 
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Old 20th September 2003, 10:21 AM   #61
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rulumni,
I agree totally with everything you said. It is a fairy tale with only a very few, happy endings. I guess we all try to hope that our own situations will overcome all odds but then you start to see that it will be very unlikely and enough is enough. I am just glad I got out when I did and our agreement was mutual. I still think of him a lot even now, 7 mos. later. I wonder if he thinks of me too? I know that is something that I would not want answered because either way it would be painful. I hope in time I will cease to continue to think of him so much because it can be maddening.

Support Always,
Aries
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Old 21st September 2003, 11:43 PM   #62
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I musy be insane

I really appreciate the kind words, and I'm pretty sure, you're right, but like you said I have to be ready to give, and I guess I'm just not ready. I keep waiting for someone else to come into my life that will take his place and believe me I haven't quit looking, but so far no one has had any interest in me.
I just wanted to say that everybody's advice was taken to heart, and hopefully I can make the best of it all. I just hope this doesn't last much longer.
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Old 29th September 2003, 1:35 PM   #63
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Unhappy

So how does one deal with the hurt after you have called it off with the married guy, I am working with him and I am heartbroken. It would have almost been easier to stay in the relationship. BUT I KNOW IT WAS WRONG!!!!

The married guy is the last person I think of when I go to bed, and the first person that I think of in the morning.

What the hell is wrong with me. I feel as tho I am losing my mind. I want these feelings to end, but as long as we are still in a working relationship I feel as tho they won't.

I love this job and the pay is awesome. Quitting is not an option.

Please don't hate me for falling in love with a married guy, it was not intended.

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Old 29th September 2003, 2:05 PM   #64
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To Hunter

I think only time can help heal the feelings that you have. It is different for everyone I guess. You just have to tell yourself that you are doing the right thing. You also have to stop subcoming to the fantasy of the relationship and deal with the true realities of it. I lived in the fantasy for a long time. Once we stopped having contact, the realities of what we were doing and how we could hurt so many people became more real. You just have to let go. I also tried to focus on some of the negative traits that this person had to try to come to grips that he is not "perfect" and that we might not have made it anyhow. Sometimes you have to try to make yourself believe something to get through it all, even if it is negative thoughts. If you cannot leave your job, then you have to realize it may take a little longer to get over it just because you are still having some kind of contact with him. Just be strong and try to do what is right.

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Aries

"I know what I was feelin', but what was I thinkin'?"--Dierks Bentley
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Old 29th September 2003, 4:28 PM   #65
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Thanks aries

I just take things one day at a time.
Eventually time will heal the hurt. At least that is what I tell myself.
I tell myself that if he is emotionally cheating with me on his wife, then what would he do if we were ever together, and this is what gets me thru the day.

When I ended it, it was the hardest thing that I had ever done, but the truth is I felt like a 1000 pound weight had been lifted off me and I felt better. So I know that what I did was right, just try tell that to my heart tho.

We had a heart to heart talk, and we get along great at the office, and we are friends, and that won't change.
We just both know where to draw the line.

Thanks for the advice.
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Old 30th September 2003, 9:17 AM   #66
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Just be glad you aren't the poor old wife that's always been home wondering.... You instead have a world of possibility in front of you.


I just want to say from experience, the one that gets cheated on may end up tormented for years. They may experience low self-esteem, extreme depression, suicidal thoughts, lose trust in everyone around them and never want to open their heart again to love.

I'm sure most of the "other women" and "other men" would never intentionally hurt another person if their life depended on it, but out of sight, out of mind. They may be crushing the spirit of another human being without realizing it.

Obviously, it's actually the married cheating spouses responsibility to conduct their life appropriately. If they aren't happy with their marriage, they need to get the hell out of it. But to cheat, is to possibly do irreparable damage to a human being. How can you ever love a cheater, when you can't respect the cheater? I'll never know...
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Old 5th October 2003, 12:37 PM   #67
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Before I dispense my unsolicited advice, know that I'm not trying to get on some kind of moral soapbox. I found myself in a similar situation about four years ago. It got off to an unusual start like so many of the stories I've read here.

When I was 25, I met this woman in an airport. At the time, she was married with one child. We met up, started talking, getting into the groove of the conversation and giving each other good vibes (and for the time being nothing else). I flew home to my destination, and she to hers. We lived three states apart. We exchanged email addresses before we left.

Next day I remember not being able to get her out of my mind. It was just this insatiable curiosity. Something didn't quite add up. I knew she was married and everything, and I generally respected that. At the same time, though, a part of my wanted to know more about her. I somehow sensed that she liked me as more than just a friend, and I think she knew the same was true of me.

So I dropped her a line.

When I got home from work that night, she had written a note back. Platonic at first.

Then I decided to dig deeper. Curious, I wrote a longer note just to pry a little. I just remember telling her that she appeared to be a little lonely when I left to go catch my flight. Then the floodgates opened! She wrote me e-mails basically telling me that she was onto me, and it all caught me by surprise. I guess to be honest, I was flattered and I enjoyed the attention I was receiving, but I also knew this created a moral dilemma. Right or wrong, my response was to take middle ground. I basically told her that while I was, truthfully speaking, attracted to her, I could not engaged in some kind of extra-marital affair with her.

Unfortunately for both of us, her husband intercepted my last email to her and, as one would expect, he flipped his lid. I thought she had given me an alternative address, but she hadn't. One of my girl friends at the time surmised that she might have done this on purpose, and she never outright denied it. Needless to say, I was literally sick at my stomach. I felt like I'd just broken up a family, though she assured me this was not my fault.

There was a period of about three or four days when I didn't know what was going to happen, nor did I know what to do. I didn't even know what I wanted, nor what she wanted. I told her to sort things out with her husband, that this was probably just some kind of mistake that could be repaired in time. She insisted that it was no mistake - she wanted out of her relationship and she wanted to know me better.

At first I took the friend approach. But within 10 days it was clear that she was serious about splitting up with him, and so I decided that if that were the case, why not see where it leads. Her husband moved out the following week and we started calling each other with some degree of regularity. We set up our first encounter about six weeks after the fact. And from there it just went on into a beautiful relationship for the next 21 months.
I quit my job, moved three states over, took another job and moved in with her and her son.

Unfortunately, though, living with each other wasn't quite what we expected it to be. We argued some, but mainly when we had disagreements we just didn't talk to each other, stopped having sex, that kind of thing. There were too many pressures bearing down on us. My career was dead in the water after I moved. I lost my job and couldn't find another one after that. I began to feel like I'd given up too much and that she wasn't giving anything in return, though looking back on it, I think she did make more sacrifices than I gave her credit for in the beginning. We also had a clash of personalities and the dynamics were tough. I was still immature in some ways, and I should have given myself more time and space rather than moving in with her. Long story short, we split up.

Generally, it's not a good idea to get hooked up with a married person. There's always a tendency for those of us on the outside, who are attracted to spouses looking outside the marraige, to rationalize our involvement by saying "Well, they're not happy, and they're going to get divorced anyway, so let things happen." But the truth is, when you're on the outside, you just don't know what's going on inside the marriage. We only get one person's perspective. It's not enough to say that someone's unhappy in a marriage - that doesn't give others the right to invade. And for the record, while I do not honestly believe that I caused my ex lover's divorce, I understand now in a way that I didn't before that I was still too much involved in her life at that time. That wasn't my business. Live and learn, I guess.
 
Old 5th October 2003, 8:20 PM   #68
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walk away

Message to Yang,
I'm new to this forum but read your post and wanted to respond.

I know what you are going through and can relate with your message. I never thought I, of all people, would ever get attached to a married man. I did, it started out as friends and just evolved to a point where it became impossible to deny. At the moment our feelings were expressed, I knew I couldn't be his friend anymore. The pain of pushing away someone I love deeply has been a great struggle but knowing what is best for me helps me stay strong. I have been weak 2x by calling him. He has called, sent letters and even shown up a couple of times. The last few months have been incredibly difficult. I feel that I have never loved another the way I love him. I try to stay away and can't believe that I used to be his wife's advocate. The bottome line, I think cheating is weak and wrong. But I have grown to understand now how someone, if vulverable enough can slip into an affair with someone who is willing to cheat.

I realize that you are where I could have been if I just gave up and surrendered to the emotions which if course I can fantasize that I want to do. I have to wake up every morning and remember who I am. I am not the other woman. I am a person who deserves to be #1. I have convictions, believe that what goes around comes around and am going to treat every day like its precious and not waste in on anything that doesn't support my spiritual/emotional growth.

I hope I don't seem to preach. I just hope you will take one day at a time and really look inside yourself for the answers. You deserve 100%, to live life in integrity and to be honored for what you have to offer but receiving someones undivided love and adoration. If you let go of this man, that will likely happen for you.

Being alone is difficult but much better than being lost in a relationship that is marred by dishonesty and lack of integrity. Trust me, the self respect you gain in moving on will help you gain strength to extricate yourself from this. You don't have to be a part of his mistakes.

In Peace

Felicity
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Old 8th October 2003, 4:11 PM   #69
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Re: Going on a year now

Originally posted by arcadia_1977
"Too late for me to give up!"

If you do nothing else, please don't trick yourself into believing it is too late. It is NEVER to late in a situation like this.

You know what I think is humerous. All the females have the same excuses....I'm not strong enough, it's been to long, he loves me, he wants to wait till his children get older and so on and so forth... And is it me or do they have a handbook for married men "one million and one excuses why you won't leave your wife", because I read alot of these things and the excuses are textbook.

I stopped telling myself I couldn't leave and I did.
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Old 1st November 2003, 11:03 AM   #70
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Married Men/Women

It seems as though ALL nasty comments are being made toward the women who have affairs w/men. The men must also accept responsibility for an affair. AND there are many ways to have an affair, not just sexual.

Having lived half a century, I can state for a fact that it DOES just happen. Mature adult or not has nothing to do with re-acting to true love. Now we get to the interesting part. If you just lust after a married person, hey, that is easy to control. Infatuation is for the very young as well, and you learn to let go of that as well. It is easy compared to falling in love, I mean love, with someone. AND NO you do not have to act on it. Many people marry for reasons other than love. Especially men, but women do, too. Marital relations are not the be-all, end-all relationships young people think of when they marry at 18-30.

If you are lucky enough to find someone you REALLY REALLY LOVE, and you marry them, I am sure your life would be grand, right? Well, you may really love them, but they may not feel as intimate with you. There are many levels of intimacy. Good friends can sometimes be more emotionally intimate than a marriage partner. Some people have open marriages, and look the other way at their spouse's sexual affairs because they do not want a sexual affair with their partner, or they do not want to break up their home, kids with divorce. I have met many men who are very dissatisfied with their sexual partnerships with their wives. Before you judge, you need more facts. And we do not know what REALLY goes on at home. All we have is our PERCEPTIONS of that.

Sometimes, the affair helps the person stay in a marriage and raise kids. I know that sounds CRAZY, but I have met many people who do have affairs, men and women. What their spouse doesn't know, they feel, doesn't hurt them. They keep it a secret. Many divorce after the kids are gone because that's why they got married to begin with. The woman got pregnant, and the man, immature about relationships, gets married to help take care of the kids. But when you don't have that bond of raising kids any longer, your energies are focused elsewhere. Many married men never feel close to their kids, unless they have sons they can play with, and do not know how to be intimate until much later in life. (35-50)

I have lived in many areas of the country, met many people from all over the world, and had many types of relationships. Love, I think, is most important. Some people confuse lust with love. It is not easy for women to separate sexual feelings with love. Most of my friends can not, and they are older. I suggest that all people involved in extra-marital affairs think diligently before acting on their feelings. And the best way, I have found, to get past these affairs is to find someone else that meets your needs. It takes a lot of energy to date those turkeys, but they need to learn, too, about love and intimacy. Having a positive attitude, and not whining about your "married person", will help you find another person who is more available, all ways.
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Old 4th November 2003, 5:19 PM   #71
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get your own

First someone said until you walk in my shoes,well same goes for you when you are the wife how are you going to feel when your husband is sleeping around on you?
when you know he is married if he wants to be with you,why if his marriage is so bad , does he not divorce his wife and be with you? maybe he is using you and has no intentions of leaving,so maybe you think if you sleep with him he will eventually leave.
love grows because you allow it to. you can control your actions and excuse me for stating a fact but anyone who believes otherwise is kidding themselves.

someone said people say hurtful things when they don't know your feelings,well maybe thats because you are not thinking of his wifes feelings,so why are your feelings more important.

If his wife is so horrible why does he stay? oh right the kids the dog the money.excuses excuses and thats all it is.he is not leaving because he can get his cake and eat it to,he lies to her and he lies to you.and when he does not leave for you, you will finally see the truth.If he does leave for you,he will also do the same thing to you.Its a fantasy world, open your eyes and people would not get hurt .including you.and yes my husband screwed around, and is lucky I did not kill him.only because God said tho shalt not kill. my typing sucks and i do not care

do unto others
ignorance is bliss
messing with someone Else's spouse is messing with your life
what comes around goes around
paybacks a bitch
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Old 9th March 2004, 7:15 PM   #72
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The other Woman

To whom this is read by, I have read for an hour how seeing a married man is so bad. The one I am with was my best friend for 4 yrs. We both have had our buddy times, other relationships in the past. maybe our relationship is not ordinary but its real. I know where he stands and he knows where I stand. I can truly say I love him, respect him and I will be there for him as he does me.
 
Old 16th March 2004, 11:09 PM   #73
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Ok its time for me to be the unpopular one. I had a friend I work with. We have been friends for years. Later we began to help each other with relationship problems. We gave each other advice and we found that we are very compatable. We planned on not doing anything because we are both attached to our spouses. She is catholic and she would feel extreame guilt. Eventually we fell in love without even making love. I Was crazy about her and she was crazy about me. We couldnt resist. We ended up making love and falling even deeper in love. We both started having more problems at home. We both planned on leaving in six months. We figured we could make a easier break. Well after 5 months. She is now afraid to leave because of her kids. She is worried they will have a hard time adjusting. I am a very loving person. I would treat those kids and her wonderfully. I have a daughter of my own. She is 9. We are very close. I can understand how you would do anything for your kids. I would. I have. I got to the point that I know she would be happier if I am happier. I am now playing the waiting game. I dont know if she will ever leave. She says she loves me like no other man. She has always told me the truth. It is just killing me. I cant imagine my life without her. So I understand how people fall in love with someone else. I will say, if you are thinking about cheating, Dont get to serious. If your heart gets involved then you may get hurt.
I love her. I will wait for her as long as it takes.
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Old 17th March 2004, 10:33 AM   #74
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leave him alone

You know he will tell you everything you want to hear so he can get a little (something different then the same old same old) but you know what if his marriage is in bad shape he needs to seperate from his wife first before you get involved then you know for a fact something is wrong in the marriage and it's not just a lie, men (and women) will lie and tell you anything but most of the time they go back home and you are hurt, the wife even if she didn't know was hurt because home is never the same when a spouse is having an affair no matter how hard they try to pretend everything is normal,no one can live two lies at the same time and do it perfectly--the lie at home and the lie with you---be careful or what is fun and exciting now will probably hurt you later--plus after awhile you will be the same old same old----------------

just my 2 cents
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Old 19th March 2004, 8:57 PM   #75
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Hi I'm new to this so here is my advice to the girl who is in love with a married man. First of all to the people that are practically biting her head off, lighten up a little!! I'm not saying that she is doing the right thing but I do have to say that I've been there before and it is a very painful relationship to be in especially when children are involved. So never and I mean never say that you would never put yourself in that situation because that's B/S. I swore that these things would never happen to me until it actually did. The girl needs to have a serious chat with the married man and then lay the cards down and make a decision. Most of the time, the answers are negative but you have to be positive in life and move on. In my situation at the moment there are no children involved and he has a very religious wife that is never there for him in any way. We play in a band together and I see this guy more that the wife does. She just so wrapped up in her religious beliefs that she make no time for him. Hang in there!!
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