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It happened[Was: Inappropriate relationship heading to an affair]


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 3rd February 2019, 11:52 AM   #1
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It happened[Was: Inappropriate relationship heading to an affair]

I'm a long time reader of these forums and should likely know better at this point.

A little background: late thirties man, married for 10 years with two kids. Overall, I have what most would consider to be a great marriage.

A few weeks ago, a coworker of mine [no reporting relationship] put it out there that she's interested in sharing a hotel room at a conference. She's also late thirties with two kids. The implication is pretty clear that she's interested in a having a physical relationship.

We have met privately several times for lunch over the past few months but have never had any kind of inappropriate relationship before. I have never cheated on my wife up to this point. However, I did get caught up in the excitement and novelty of the proposition and agreed to meet in a few weeks.

The past few weeks, I've been feeling very guilty about the whole situation and wondering if it's possible to go through with it and not end up with a mess after the fact.

Anyone have a similar experience where it didn't end in disaster for everyone ?
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Old 3rd February 2019, 11:58 AM   #2
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How would you feel if your wife was asking the same question on this forum?
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Old 3rd February 2019, 12:04 PM   #3
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differences of perspectives

My wife and I have somewhat different perspectives on love and sex. She can't separate the two. I'm pretty sure I can. Not that this makes things better.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 12:09 PM   #4
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I have four daughters, and a STBX that is a serial cheater. She worked outside sales and like you describe, company paid hotel rooms and men who want to share made for an easy nest.

I had every incentive over these long hard years to cheat. I don't and won't until my divorce is final because one day I hope to be walking my daughters down the aisle. Should any of them in a moment of indecision ask me about my past, I want to reassure them there are good, honorable people in this world who honor commitments and value love. There is always space where fairy tales can come true, and the only thing required is integrity.

What kind of man do you want to be?
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Old 3rd February 2019, 12:12 PM   #5
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Gee, how could this ever go wrong?

Seriously. Coworker, sex, marriages, kids...this just sounds like a great idea.

(Dripping with sarcasm if that wasnít clear)

What are you thinking? That a little random sex is just fine? That even thinking about it isnít a huge insult to your wife and family? Do you need someone to truly tell you this is a bad thing? If so - this is a BAD idea. Knock it off unless you want to blow up your family, marriage and potentially career.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 12:20 PM   #6
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A double life for you is half a life for everyone else.

Your household will eventually fall apart. What you propose doing will show up on you like a bad suit. It will be detected - if not for what it is, then for what has been lost. Everyone around you will suffer for who you become.

A woman is throwing herself at you. She's going to enjoin you in whatever problems are attached to her, and she may even enjoin your family too.

Good luck with that.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 12:26 PM   #7
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LOL. Her wanting to share a hotel room is not the story Human Resources will get when this hits the fan.

#MeToo

[Disclaimer: I mean no dishonor to the reality of sexual harassment, only to those cheaters who would use anything and anyone including a child or God him/herself to cover up their infidelity and deceit.]

Last edited by Turning point; 3rd February 2019 at 12:31 PM..
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Old 3rd February 2019, 12:44 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by ConflictedMan View Post
My wife and I have somewhat different perspectives on love and sex. She can't separate the two. I'm pretty sure I can. Not that this makes things better.
In fact, it makes it worse. While it may be fine for you, it is not for your wife. And as such, her’s is the only opinion that matters...
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Last edited by BaileyB; 3rd February 2019 at 12:52 PM..
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Old 3rd February 2019, 12:52 PM   #9
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Don't let some slutty coworker lead you into losing your family. You will eventually get caught and your great marriage will no longer be.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 12:55 PM   #10
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Don't let some slutty coworker lead you into losing your family. You will eventually get caught and your great marriage will no longer be.
And, you may well lose your job in the process... read these forums, it happens. No job, no wife, no family... and, for what? A moment of “satisfaction” with a woman who means nothing to you. To whom, you mean nothing more than a willing bed partner on a work trip.

You are enjoying the fantasy, but you need to come back to the reality of the situation. Why would you even consider such a proposition? What do you stand to gain? Because, you sure have a lot to lose...

My friend, whatever you decide will come down to what you value more - your family, keeping the respect of your wife and children, and protecting the life you have stared together... or, your own selfish desire. Chose wisely, your decision may well change the course of rest of your life.

Last edited by BaileyB; 3rd February 2019 at 1:09 PM..
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Old 3rd February 2019, 1:13 PM   #11
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The question should be: what kind of man do you want to be?

A man with integrity, or a man who lies and cheats?

A man who treats the ones he cares about with respect, or a man who disrespects his wife, his family, himself?

The way your post is worded, you want to go ahead with this and want someone to tell you "it will be fine. It will be okay."

I refuse to do that. It will not be okay. It will not be fine. Sleeping with a man who was not my husband was the worst, most hurtful choice I have ever made...for my H, and for myself. I lost all my personal integrity. I lost my self respect. It has taken years of hard work to earn those aspects of myself back.

But you do what you want, and damn the consequences, because no one will ever find out. Right?

P.S. And with a work colleague? That makes it even worse and dangerous. Seriously, what are you thinking?
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Old 3rd February 2019, 1:22 PM   #12
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find another way to get some excitement in your life that doesn't include blowing it up.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 1:41 PM   #13
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Recipe for disaster. This will play out like every bad script attached to extramarital affairs that start at work.

You will meet up with this coworker at a hotel thinking it's just going to a onetime thing that you can get away with. But the sex will be really hot, because even if the coworker isn't particularly skilled or sexy, just the fact that she is new to you and that the act is forbidden and sneaky will make it feel super hot. This will cause you and the coworker to want to repeat the experience. The excitement of the illicit sex will become addictive and lead to feelings of infatuation for one another.

Then you will start telling each other your sad stories and complaining about your spouses to one another. Since all the two of you ever do is talk and have sex you will never see the OWs flaws and shortcomings. Instead you will come to believe that she understands you better than your wife and maybe you would be happier with her after all. Everytime you see her she makes you feel good (because all you do with her is talk and have sex, no responsibilities) so you will come to believe that she is better for you than your wife. You and she will begin to express feelings of love for one another.

Meanwhile your wife notices a change in you. You are trying to act the same and be the same husband but your wife feels like something is different. She can't put her finger on it but she senses that you have become distant to her somehow. She begins to ask you from time to time if everything is okay. You tell her that everything is fine. She presses, you tell her that you are just tired and work is stressful. This answer satisfies her for a little while but her intuition keeps nagging her in the background. As a result she becomes unhappy and discontented. She begins to start arguments and making demands, looking for what it is she can't name.

The stress at home causes you to seek out your affair partner even more. She doesn't nag you or place demands on you. She understands you and always makes you feel good. Wouldn't it be great if every minute of everyday could be like it is with the OW. You and she start fantasizing about a life together. A life filled with hot sex, romance and perfection. Her kids will love you, your kids will love her. Once everyone sees how perfect you are together they will all be so happy for you. Of course you never actually act on this fantasy but because you are now more invested in the OW than your wife and family your daily life becomes grim and dreary. You aren't happy at home because you don't want to be there anymore. Your wife is miserable because she knows you have left her in your heart. Things are getting really complicated because your OW has become increasingly demanding and insecure too. She is actually expecting you to make those fantasies of being together come true. You are getting pressure from both sides and its causing you nothing but confusion and misery. There seems to be no way out.

Then the **** hits the fan. Maybe one of the betrayed spouses discovers the affair, maybe your OW tells your wife to force an outcome, maybe your OW becomes pregnant. Whatever happens it will be a spectacular explosion with everyone blown to bits. Your families will be in so much pain, more than you can imagine. Your coworkers will talk about you like you are tabloid fodder. Most likely you or your OW will have to leave the company just to escape the shame and embarrassment. You will turn on each other and she will do her best to make you the bad guy while she plays the victim of a man who lied to her. Whether your marriage ends or recovers your wife will look at you with pain and mistrust for years after and your kids will be hurt and damaged.

So if all of that sounds like a good time to you then enjoy your roll in the hay with your coworker.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 1:52 PM   #14
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Logically, this makes perfect sense to me. Emotionally, I'm having a hard time reconciling this with the actions I've been taking so far.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 1:55 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bittersweetie View Post
The question should be: what kind of man do
you want to be?

A man with integrity, or a man who lies and cheats?

A man who treats the ones he cares about with respect, or a man who disrespects his wife, his family, himself?

The way your post is worded, you want to go ahead with this and want someone to tell you "it will be fine. It will be okay."

I refuse to do that. It will not be okay. It will not be fine. Sleeping with a man who was not my husband was the worst, most hurtful choice I have ever made...for my H, and for myself. I lost all my personal integrity. I lost my self respect. It has taken years of hard work to earn those aspects of myself back.

But you do what you want, and damn the consequences, because no one will ever find out. Right?

P.S. And with a work colleague? That makes it even worse and dangerous. Seriously, what are you thinking?
Thank you for your insight.
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