Cullenbohannon Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 (edited) What you need right now is a time machine. A time machine to your future. Your wife (or her husband) finds out. Your wife slaps you, you fall to the floor begging and crying. Instead she boots you in the ass and kicks you out. The kids are crying "Daddy whats wrong? You get served. The OBS kicks your ass. You get fired for doing your deed on company time. 6 months into your seperation, you pick up your kids and your STBXW is dressed to the nines. Smelling good.Going out with another man. You cant sleep knowing she is doing all the things you did in that hotel so very long ago. At that moment you will wish for one thing. A time machine. Be honest with yourself. You dont really want to do this. You are looking for anything to get you out of this situatiion. Thats why you posted. You are desperate to not travel this path. Talk to your wife. Dig deep and take a hard look at her when she speaks. No one here will convince you to stay on the straight and narrow, but she can. She is your wife. You chose her many years ago. Choose her again today...and tomorrow. Strength and Honor Edited February 14, 2019 by Cullenbohannon 2 Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 FYI, cheating on your spouse is one of the WORST pains you can ever inflict on them. Keep that in mind as you make your next moves. I hope that involves finding a new job. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Asw27 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 Something you should ponder, instead of focusing too much on the OW (even if it is about not pursuing her), is that you were willing to lie to your wife on something she considers major. You should put the focus on being a better husband, one who doesn't need advice from strangers not to cheat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 You certainly have fair points. At first I thought it was completely one-sided but I'm beginning to see now that it's not. I'm working on establishing clearer boundaries but at the same time keep gravitating back in. How is your relationshp with your wife? Affairs can be about getting extra sex, yes, but sometimes they can also be about punishing the spouse, retribution for past hurts, addressing resentment and taking back control... etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 And...here we go again. Just when I thought I was out I'm getting reeled back in. ConflictedMan, I always think the same thing when I read threads like yours - who trades 30 minutes of pleasure for 30 years of potential unhappiness? Without knowing all your specifics, just on the face of it doesn't seem like a very good deal... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConflictedMan Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 I doubt all the pursuit is from her, there is usually a push pull interaction. I hope I'm wrong but to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if you're back after the business trip admitting to having cheated because she tempted you. Well, all of you who predicted the beginning and the end were all correct. As much as I tried to create appropriate boundaries, ultimately, I was tempted and fell into the trap. I know what I did was selfish and now I really have to do the hard work of repairing what I broke. I'm trying to do that by focusing a lot more on my wife. I know it's unfair to her, but I'm trying to be a good husband for her despite my mistakes. It's not nearly enough, but at least it's a start. Link to post Share on other sites
NotADayGoesBy Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 I’m sorry to hear this, but you get no judgment from me—I too had a chance to walk away and didn’t. The temptation, desire, and buildup was just too much. I highly recommend IC as most people do. You have to figure out what’s going on with you that made you choose this path, before you can really fix anything with your marriage. I’d say stay away from the OW and stop things now before you find yourself mired in an even bigger mess, but I also realize you will do what you’re going to do. Again, no judgment: so many of us ignore the good advice we get here because we can’t stop ourselves. Keep coming back for advice, support, and to try to hold yourself accountable, though. It’s helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
The Dude Abides Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 (edited) Well, all of you who predicted the beginning and the end were all correct. As much as I tried to create appropriate boundaries, ultimately, I was tempted and fell into the trap.<snip> It's selfish if I take that last piece of cake that my wife said she was saving for tomorrow. Referring to adulterous hookups as selfish is disingenuous and so is saying "it's unfair to your wife and now you're trying to be a good husband." Forget about saying buzzwords like "create appropriate boundaries" and instead just get control of your hands, mouth and body and keep your clothes on around women other than your wife. Edited February 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 3 Link to post Share on other sites
treehugger12 Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 I think we all saw this coming here, no judgment from me either because I too have been there. I was really praying for you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
The Dude Abides Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 CM, BTW, I do hope for the best for you and your family. I don't recall on your other thread if this was/is a one time deal. If so, you have my best wishes and thoughts for strength and good judgement so you can get things turned around for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 (edited) <snip> I know it's unfair to her, but I'm trying to be a good husband for her despite my mistakes. It's not nearly enough, but at least it's a start. I hope you had your fun. There is no excuse, you can’t say that you were not warned. The time to focus on your marriage and treat your wife with the respect that she deserves was before you had sex with another woman. Claiming concern for your wife and your marriage at this point is so unbelievably disingenuous, it’s laughable. If you want to be a good husband, you owe your wife the truth. And an apology. I doubt she will get either... Edited February 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Quote truncated 5 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 (edited) Well, all of you who predicted the beginning and the end were all correct. As much as I tried to create appropriate boundaries, ultimately, I was tempted and fell into the trap.<snip> It’s not enough. It won’t free you and it won’t be the consequence that your actions deserve. This is still about not getting caught. Edited February 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 (edited) <snip> I know it's unfair to her, but I'm trying to be a good husband for her despite my mistakes. It's not nearly enough, but at least it's a start. Trying to be a good husband? You cheated...that is not a good husband. Did you tell her you cheated? Get honest with yourwife! She deserves to know what she’s married to. She can make decisions based on what’s real, instead of the lies she’s been living with. Edited February 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 (edited) If you can’t be faithful and keep the vows you’ve made then divorce your wife - she deserves a man who honors the vows he took. You are now and forever in the “I am a cheater” category. You had plenty of time (and got great advice) yet you selfishly and consciously made a solid choice to harm your wife, marriage and children with your selfish decision. You couldn’t stop yourself, that’s clear... what makes you think you’ll suddenly grow a conscience and self control and stop? You won’t. Tell your wife. She needs to make her own decisions based on what’s real. She has no idea this is who she’s married to. Make sure she knows it’s all on you. She is not to blame for your decisions that ruin the family. Edited February 18, 2019 by S2B 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 I know it's unfair to her, but I'm trying to be a good husband for her despite my mistakes. It's not nearly enough, but at least it's a start. And so begins the cake-eating, spin doctoring, excuses and endless rationalizing. Starting with the notion you were somehow helpless before the OW's advances. ConflictedMan, as has been said here before, a mistake is when you buy whole milk when you wanted 2%. You might start with recognizing that what you've done was a choice... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 (edited) Take responsibility for your actions. Don’t refer to it as “it”...Call it what it really is. Type it. Say it. Admit it. Can you even get that honest with yourself? You cheated. You are now in an affair. You have another woman. Can you say those things? That’s what’s real. That’s honesty. Edited February 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Not surprised at all, predicted this from your first post. I also think it's not going to be a one off. Are you NC now or are you still having your nice little flirty text conversations and lunches every day at work? My bet you'll be hooking up again before the end of the month at least. To me there's no genuine feeling in your posts, all the right words are there but the conviction is lacking. I'm going to say tell your wife because she deserves to know who she's married to but somehow I don't think you will. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 ConflictedMan, as has been said here before, a mistake is when you buy whole milk when you wanted 2%. You might start with recognizing that what you've done was a choice... It’s also not a “mistake” when there is a 10 page long discussion on love shack during which OP has analyzed the pros and cons of having sex with a woman who is not his wife and does/does not get caught... that is not a “mistake,” that is a very calculated and well thought out decision. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Not surprised at all, predicted this from your first post.. No, he has never seemed sincere and his posts have always had a feeling of inevitability (what can I do, she wants me...) There has been no understanding that OP is the one in control and this, responsible for his decisions. Another who thinks this will not be a one and done... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 I know what I did was selfish and now I really have to do the hard work of repairing what I broke. I'm trying to do that by focusing a lot more on my wife. I know it's unfair to her, but I'm trying to be a good husband for her despite my mistakes. Words. Words. Platitudes. Platitudes. All empty words unless you're honest with your wife. BTW - It's not a "mistake"; it's premeditated, calculated cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 As much as I tried to create appropriate boundaries.... Uh huh. Like what? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Well, all of you who predicted the beginning and the end were all correct. As much as I tried to create appropriate boundaries, ultimately, I was tempted and fell into the trap. What trap? There was no trap. You made a clear decision, you were not trapped. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Here’s the thing OP - every single person here understands that what you say is total BS. Your wife will too, when she finds out... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Gotta love when people make it sound like cheating just happens and was out if thier control. A bit odd to see a man using that one. I actually mentioned you in another thread a few days ago as someone who is about to cheat on his wife. you were making too many excuses and it was clear as day you would be here. Stop with all the be the best husband business, you missed that boat, now is your opportunity to be a decent man and let your wife know what kind of man she is married to and allow her to decide if this is the kind of relationship she wants. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 (edited) <snip> I know it's unfair to her, but I'm trying to be a good husband for her despite my mistakes. It's not nearly enough, but at least it's a start. Please, tell your wife what you did and stop with the " I've been a bad wiid boy, but now that I've had my fun, and I can pretend to feel bad". No one is buying it. If you cared, you wouldn't have done what you did. You can't even use the excuse of" it just happened" because you set out to make this happen, knew enough to not do it, but did it anyway. Don't try and pretend now that you care one bit about the mess you made.If you did, you would have kept your zipper in the "up" position. Edited February 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote, fix spacing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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