It happened[Was: Inappropriate relationship heading to an affair]

[Turning point]

I wonder if for her it's an EA and I'm beginning to question whether it's possible it is for me as well.

 

When was the last time you 'unemotionally' had sex?

 

Extramarital affairs are not porn - the notion that we can separate real sex from love is a lie we tell ourselves to overcome our inhibitions.

[treehugger12]

Just in case you start to change your mind, here is my story, which is much like treehugger’s (hi treehugger!)<snip>

 

 

Hi NADGB, I hope your doing well and your heart is healing. Very well said in your post. Exactly how it was for me. My heart is healed 95% but sometimes still aches a little the other 5% but its been over a year of the healing progress. OP most certainly dodged a bullet and probably for the other woman. She probably has little to no idea what she was headed for like us when we had entered the fog and was too late. OP I'm so relieved to hear you are taking all the posters advice given to you to heart.

Good luck to you and stay away from the affair fog.

Edited February 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[SecretStar]

One thing I don't see mentioned here is the need to focus on your marriage now. I've flirted with being a WW and held off so far. Clearly the way to stop these wayward thoughts is to strengthen your marriage. That's where I am focused right now.

 

Someone on this forum advised me to either fix my marriage or divorce before moving on. That's what a good person would do. In the end, what kind of person do you want to be? That's the question I keep uppermost in my mind. It's easy to have wayward thoughts. It's much harder to do the right thing and focus on your current commitment. Just keep reading posts here to help you stay on the right path. It helps keep you focused while you do the hard work of getting your marriage back on track.

[NotADayGoesBy]

 

FWIW, we both have what would otherwise be good marriages. Neither of us has ever complained about our spouses or any material issues.

 

I didn’t either. I couldn’t understand why I was getting sucked into such a situation. But there is a reason. It’s either something with you, or your marriage or both. Do some digging within and see what you find. For me, there are issues with both that I didn’t realize.

[NotADayGoesBy]

Hi NADGB, I hope your doing well and your heart is healing.

 

Thanks treehugger. Not much healing happening yet, but I’m doing my best. If I could avoid him it would be easier. My H was a finalist for a job that would have taken us halfway across the country but he didn’t get it. I’ve been really upset and disappointed over it. We’ve both wanted to move for a long time, but it would have given me the added bonus of getting away from xMM and OOW.

[ConflictedMan]

I can definitely sense a huge difference in interactions with MOW ever since having "the talk" about putting the breaks on.

 

I know the distance I created is the right thing to do and I'm trying to minimize interactions to cool things down and avoid blowing things up for both, however, I do miss the friendly banter and much more welcoming discussions and stares.

 

I suppose this is a (very) small price to pay considering what would have happened if we had gone through with having a PA.

 

She really wasn't in agreement but felt rejected so went along with it to save face.

 

I wonder if stillafool was right and this is her way of handling rejection?

[Songbird4]

This is the exact same thing that happened with my husband. Co-worker of his made it very clear she was interested in him. He was drawn to the excitement Of it all. They went out to eat often, to bars and who knows where else. They talked and text. They were quickly going in the direction of sexual affair. They definitely developed an emotional affair.

 

One night I came home from work and felt this urge to turn his phone screen on. Her text was there telling him she wouldn’t be able to make breakfast as planned. In the moment I changed. And to quickly add- I’ve found emails to ex’s and random chicks in the past.

 

I went from an incredibly doting wife that took great care of him to a cold emotionless one. This emotional affair was the final straw. We have 4 kids so I stay for them. I went from trusting to secretly obsessing about what he was doing when he wasn’t home. I’ve been in therapy and it’s helped... I’ll never understand how a man who has a wife who was head over heels for him, had a high sex drive, loved cooking for him and being adventurous, who took great care of her figure and over all just put so much effort into the marriage would jeopardize it all for a woman who threw him bait.

 

I’ll never be the same. I look at him and crumble inside because I’ll never be able to trust him. He’s since continued inappropriate behavior and passing it off as being “just friends” with various women. I realize he in selfish and weak.

 

If you love, respect and honor your wife DO NOT DO IT. Don’t be selfish and fulfill a need for excitement. Show this women throwing you the bait that you are a good man who honors your vows. Be better than this! You will destroy your wife if you go through with it...believe me, I know all too well.

[Turning point]

I can definitely sense a huge difference in interactions with MOW ever since having "the talk" about putting the breaks on.

 

I know the distance I created is the right thing to do and I'm trying to minimize interactions to cool things down and avoid blowing things up for both, however, I do miss the friendly banter and much more welcoming discussions and stares.

 

I suppose this is a (very) small price to pay considering what would have happened if we had gone through with having a PA.

 

 

 

I wonder if stillafool was right and this is her way of handling rejection?

This isn't going to work if you turn it into a head game each of you plays absent the other.

 

Let's think instead about how your wife deals with the return of your earnest attention.

[ConflictedMan]

I'm trying to be more proactive in detaching and devoting more of my emotional energy to my wife.

 

It's funny how much the 'affair fog' clouds good judgement. You see the other person in a whole different light.

 

The poster that was referring to an addiction is absolutely right. The anticipation, the unknown, the thrill release brain chemicals that are hard to keep at bay.

 

I know I should be grateful for the marriage I have and for my wife. We have a good relationship with great chemistry.

 

Still, something in me was drawn to the unknown and the danger. I'm working on taming that.

[BaileyB]

Still, something in me was drawn to the unknown and the danger. I'm working on taming that.

 

Perhaps you don’t need to tame it as much as you need to understand it...

[ConflictedMan]

Good for you.

The hard part will be tomorrow, when you have to say 'no' all over again.

Then each day for as long as it takes...

 

And...here we go again. Just when I thought I was out I'm getting reeled back in.

 

The good news is that the posters here have opened my eyes to what will eventually happen so it's easier to not get carried away with the proposition or excitement.

 

I just hope I can continue to stay on the right path and focus on my own marriage.

[BaileyB]

I just hope I can continue to stay on the right path and focus on my own marriage.

 

“Whether you think you can, or think you can’t - you are right.”

Henry Ford

 

It’s entirely your decision. You have control here and you, and only you, are responsible for your own behavior. If you decide it’s not going to happen, there is nothing she can do that would be of any consequence.

 

Either you are a man of strong moral character and integrity, or you are not. Good luck.

[Turning point]

Still, something in me was drawn to the unknown and the danger. I'm working on taming that.

 

It's not that complicated. Pretending it is complicated is how we rationalize bad choices.

 

I have a favorite Ice Cream. Yet, every now and then I order something different because I desire a change. It keeps life interesting.

 

I can do this because ice cream is not central to the core of who I am. I have not committed my flavor choices to the physical, emotional, and financial safety of the people I care about most. My integrity remains after chocolate or vanilla.

 

Creating the right amount of change and adventure in marriage is both the biggest challenge and greatest reward of a life well lived. It's not easy - because, nothing worth experiencing ever is.

 

Ask any non-personality disordered person about their affair and they will tell you how easy it was to change flavors, and how painful it was to lose so many years of what could have been a better life.

[pepperbird]

And...here we go again. Just when I thought I was out I'm getting reeled back in.

 

The good news is that the posters here have opened my eyes to what will eventually happen so it's easier to not get carried away with the proposition or excitement.

 

I just hope I can continue to stay on the right path and focus on my own marriage.

 

 

I hope she leaves you alone.

I have no use for women ( or men) who continue to pursue a person who has caught their interest even after they have received a firm "no". Even worse, she knows you're married.

[The Dude Abides]

Conflicted Man

 

I have been reading your thread since you first posted. I don't think I have posted anything in this thread so far. Everything that has already been said is right on the mark. Just look at what Songbird posted about her situation and try to imagine your wife reeling with the same destruction of her emotional well-being. Has she done anything that warrants that? Has she let you down in some way that justifies your actions?

 

Let me suggest something to you. Try to imagine that you go through with this, just this one time. You think you can separate sex from emotional commitment, etc etc. You have this fling and then after some short amount of "flinging" you agree with yourself that will be enough and thereafter you will be the proper and devoted husband for your wife.

 

Do you really think that doing this booty rap with the coworker will satisfy you so much that you won't ever feel the need to dabble again, with not only this woman but any other woman who looks good to you and shows interest?

 

I suspect if you could get real data on for example 100 spouses who have committed adultery, you would find that most of them were not able to do what I just described and were not able to limit their adventures to some short foray "just to get it out of their mind".

 

BTW, I am not in anyway endorsing this potential fling with your coworker. I am just trying to help you accept that once will likely never be enough. Once you cross that line it will quite possibly lead you to a lifestyle of chronically searching for a new extramarital thrill. Is that the guy you want to be?

[Turning point]

Do you really think that doing this booty rap with the coworker will satisfy you so much that you won't ever feel the need to dabble again, with not only this woman but any other woman who looks good to you and shows interest?

 

If we're keeping score, for my own STBX... that would be 6 flavors.

[The Dude Abides]

If we're keeping score, for my own STBX... that would be 6 flavors.

 

 

Ugghhh, I am sorry to read this and sorry you've been betrayed.

 

This supports my point for all the folks out there who want to sample briefly from the Buffet Of Illicit Sex. It's an All-You-Eat menu and one plateful with never be enough.

[Amethyst68]

If you're already getting drawn back in just sitting in an office how do you think you'll cope being alone in a hotel with the OW?

 

 

I doubt all the pursuit is from her, there is usually a push pull interaction. I hope I'm wrong but to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if you're back after the business trip admitting to having cheated because she tempted you.

 

 

You need to start putting real work into your boundaries. NC apart from work, no social chit chat, any attempts are shut right down. Can you do that?

[NotADayGoesBy]

 

The Dude is right--listen to him.

 

The problem I think, is you actually have already had your taste and it's hard to resist it. You don't need to have touched her to feel this way--I was amazed at how 'high' I got from my interactions with xOM without touching each other or even saying anything sexual. I still marvel at it--no wonder it's so addictive.

 

By her proposing sex and you (at first) accepting, you have thrown napalm on what was once just a small flame. It's going to be very hard to contain it now and will take diligence on your part, especially since she was willing to go through with it.

[ConflictedMan]

If you're already getting drawn back in just sitting in an office how do you think you'll cope being alone in a hotel with the OW?

 

 

I doubt all the pursuit is from her, there is usually a push pull interaction. I hope I'm wrong but to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if you're back after the business trip admitting to having cheated because she tempted you.

 

 

You need to start putting real work into your boundaries. NC apart from work, no social chit chat, any attempts are shut right down. Can you do that?

 

You certainly have fair points. At first I thought it was completely one-sided but I'm beginning to see now that it's not. I'm working on establishing clearer boundaries but at the same time keep gravitating back in.

[LifesontheUp]

He who plays with fire will get burned.

 

This is a train wreck waiting to happen. I keep looking at your replies and realise you want it to happen.

 

So go on, do it. You know you want to. Let's hope you suffer the consequences and realise that fire burns very hot and your life will never be the same again.

 

When you finally wake up and realise what you've lost for some silly office flirting and bit of sex let's hope it isn't too late for your marriage and your wife forgives you

Edited February 11, 2019 by LifesontheUp

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

OP, if you were my brother, I would advise you that the only real way to protect yourself is to immediately find new employment.

 

You're fooling yourself if you think you can just make sure it doesn't happen.

 

At the same time, I will say that you did well in making it clear that you do not want to move forward.

 

But the only real way to protect would be to transfer to another department, leave the company or tell your boss that you can have zero contact with the individual (probably unrealistic in your mind).

 

At the end of the day, putting this situation aside, it basically takes two things to create infidelity. First, a desire to cheat; and second, the opportunity to "get away with it." I am not convinced that both of those things are no longer present or possible. . .

[ManMar]

Recipe for disaster. This will play out like every bad script attached to extramarital affairs that start at work.

.

 

wow, excellent summary. really

Edited February 13, 2019 by ManMar

[ManMar]

OP,

 

I've been down the road you're considering taking. Trust me man, it's not worth it.

 

You screw up the way you think about things. It gets worse and worse. No matter how smart or rational a person you are, it becomes all-consuming. And that's just how it affects you. It puts your whole life at risk, especially your wife and kids (if any).

 

And anika's summary post was RIGHT ON. I swear, I mean RIGHT ON. It is going to blow up. I had a few affairs, and a few ended neatly but most of them, geez that's exactly what happened. She described all the phases so well.

 

Yes it's exciting at first. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. The thrill is just almost impossible to describe. BUT...it's temporary. The wall close in faster than you would think.

 

So give this woman a hard pass, man. Do it for your wife, or hell do it for yourself, but do it.

 

I subscribe every word.

[TheRainbow]

A few weeks ago, a coworker of mine [no reporting relationship] put it out there that she's interested in sharing a hotel room at a conference. She's also late thirties with two kids. The implication is pretty clear that she's interested in a having a physical relationship.

 

Say No! You say you have a great marriage, don't even entertain this idea. You are aware it'll likely lead to cheating. It's so easy to fall into an affair, even if you don't even particularly like your affair partner. Get your own room and limit contact with her going forward.