It happened[Was: Inappropriate relationship heading to an affair]

[Arieswoman]

Conflicted,

Anika99 spells it out with clarity in post #13.

 

That could have been word-for-word the story of how my exH blew up our marriage.

 

I got 6+ months of moods, gaslighting, lies, and downright nastiness until I finally found out what was going on.

 

He got the divorce papers the next week and was out 3 weeks later. After all that his AP dumped him

 

Shut this down, and do it now.

[treehugger12]

Great marriage?? I think not. Just like all of those people who have lived next door to a violent murdering felon "he was such a nice guy, always kept to himself.".

 

You must be bored with some aspect of your marriage. It happens. What you should do though is seek out excitement with your wife rather than with someone else, she's earned it.

 

^^^ when my MM was grooming me, I asked him, “why would you want to cheat on your wife”? I did try to get him to to think twice about what he was doing, he told me he was bored in his marriage.

[Bryanp]

Do you want a reality check? Go to an attorney and ask what a divorce will cost you financially, emotionally etc. If you are the self-destructive type then go ahead and do it.

[DKT3]

^^^ when my MM was grooming me, I asked him, “why would you want to cheat on your wife”? I did try to get him to to think twice about what he was doing, he told me he was bored in his marriage.

 

So why did you?

 

OP, how do you see this playing out should you met up with her?

 

I will tell you this, most people that cheat mistake thier ability to live with it. You believe you can separate sex from love, I'm sure you can, many men can. However, that isn't the only issue. How do you handle the guilt, some simply aren't equipped.

 

Months after I divorced I still felt guilty for having sex with other women. I know I can separate sex and love, but I also know I couldn't handle the guilt of cheating.

[ConflictedMan]

I may be wrong but it seems to me you've no intention of 'closing it down'. Oh you might talk about it but in a few weeks, after the business trip you'll be back talking about how she came on to you after a few drinks and you were powerless to resist :rolleyes:

 

It's kind of clear to me you're looking for validation, a cheering section but you picked the wrong forum.

 

I don't think this is true. The reason I'm in the forum is that I'm trying to avoid a world of hurt for everyone involved. Often, it's easier said than done so I'm trying to get a reality check so I can just do it.

[ConflictedMan]

I have been in your exact shoes with a married coworker almost 2 years ago. Myself married as well. It was a 3 week fling starting with him sexting me and it was very exciting for the both of us, the sexual chemistry was definitely there with us both and I think we were both in the fog with wanting each other badly. Then it did happen one time, the opportunity was there and we took it. Our spouses never found out about it, it’s been our little secret. We definitely felt super guilty and I would never do it again. I learned a lot from the experience. I can’t speak for him but I think we both thought about everything we could lose if we’d gotten caught, jobs and family. I just thank God it didn’t go any further. We see each other sometimes at work but it took a long time for me to get over, things were awkward with us for a long time and I just wanted things to go back to normal. I for the longest time could not get over him because I wanted so much more of him. It took me over a year to get over him and seeing him at work made the healing process so much longer and painful.

You need to stop this now! Take it from me and all the other posters giving you good advice. I understand how your feeling but do not get deeper into the fog.

Thank you for your insight. It's very helpful.

 

treehugger, how did you cope after the fact especially since you work together? Do you think you're likely to get with him again? Was the first time worth it?

[healing light]

Yeah, there is absolutely NO way this can end well for you. I'm also like your wife--I can't separate love from sex, either. While I understand a lot of people can, to me it's an emotional/spiritual/physical act. I can only imagine the level of betrayal your wife would feel if she found out.

 

This is not worth risking your job nor an otherwise happy marriage for, especially not with kids in the picture. Set up clear boundaries and avoid alone time with this woman. You better hope this woman isn't nuts and won't retaliate... it's SO much better to extract yourself now before anything has happened.

 

Figure out what you need from your marriage in order to put the idea of spice back into the bedroom so you're not tempted by cheap propositions from co-workers.

[DKT3]

I don't think this is true. The reason I'm in the forum is that I'm trying to avoid a world of hurt for everyone involved. Often, it's easier said than done so I'm trying to get a reality check so I can just do it.

 

Not really, it's pretty easy. I'm sorry but I'm married, while I admit I got caught up in the excitement of something new I cant bring myself to betray my wife...done and done

[Simple Logic]

I'm a long time reader of these forums and should likely know better at this point.

 

A little background: late thirties man, married for 10 years with two kids. Overall, I have what most would consider to be a great marriage.

 

A few weeks ago, a coworker of mine [no reporting relationship] put it out there that she's interested in sharing a hotel room at a conference. She's also late thirties with two kids. The implication is pretty clear that she's interested in a having a physical relationship.

 

We have met privately several times for lunch over the past few months but have never had any kind of inappropriate relationship before. I have never cheated on my wife up to this point. However, I did get caught up in the excitement and novelty of the proposition and agreed to meet in a few weeks.

 

The past few weeks, I've been feeling very guilty about the whole situation and wondering if it's possible to go through with it and not end up with a mess after the fact.

 

Anyone have a similar experience where it didn't end in disaster for everyone ?

 

This has happened to me several times in my life and it sure is exciting, but in the end it does not boil to the love for your wife. It boils down to the respect you have for your wife. Do you respect her enough not to drag home an STD or do you not care? Because I assure you the woman proposing this romp has been around.

[Turning point]

The hard part is avoiding that train-wreck before it's too late.

 

I'm going to have to muster a way to shut this down in a way where no one gets hurt.

 

I don't think you could have gotten this far in the scenario without hurting someone already. You just don't see it because you're too busy chasing the other woman.

 

I have a sense that your mind is already made up and the plans are laid. Are you simply asking for some kind of secret formula to insulate yourself from consequences?

 

I'm honestly not convinced we aren't already talking about this in the past tense. How did you come to spend so much time reading these forums prior to posting this query?

[Turning point]

I don't think this is true. The reason I'm in the forum is that I'm trying to avoid a world of hurt for everyone involved. Often, it's easier said than done so I'm trying to get a reality check so I can just do it.

 

Wow! Just wow...

"A world of hurt for everyone?" Here's a reality check - you're not the guardian of the galaxy. People can and will get over you. In the end, you have a petty sexual desire and you're selfish. This is a pretty small nut to crack, even for a new squirrels.

 

You're also wrong about things being "easier said than done." Your wife's attorney will do you over rather easily.

[ConflictedMan]

Not really, it's pretty easy. I'm sorry but I'm married, while I admit I got caught up in the excitement of something new I cant bring myself to betray my wife...done and done

 

Thanks DKT3. I'm hoping I can lead with this next time we talk. Ideally, that will put things to rest.

[ConflictedMan]

I don't think you could have gotten this far in the scenario without hurting someone already. You just don't see it because you're too busy chasing the other woman.

 

I have a sense that your mind is already made up and the plans are laid. Are you simply asking for some kind of secret formula to insulate yourself from consequences?

 

I'm honestly not convinced we aren't already talking about this in the past tense. How did you come to spend so much time reading these forums prior to posting this query?

 

The plans were partially laid but can and hopefully will be unwound.

 

I came across this forum years ago. It struck a nerve with me then which is why that's where I turned when I came across a familiar crossroad.

 

I can assure you we aren't talking about something that happened in the past, otherwise, we would be having a very different discussion.

[Ronni_W]

My preference is obviously to shut this down ASAP, but I want to know from those that experienced it whether even if it wasn't caught, whether it was something that you regretted

and wished never took place in the first place.

It is such a personal thing that you will never be able to know how you, individually and personally, are going to suffer or rebound from it, until you actually experience it yourself.

 

The reason I'm in the forum is that I'm trying to avoid a world of hurt for everyone involved. Often, it's easier said than done so I'm trying to get a reality check so I can just do it.

The 'world of hurt' is potentially much more likely to come if you submit to your basest instincts, without any impulse control.

 

There is another person, who is posting concurrently (in a different thread), who is also posting that he wants one thing, while his posts clearly indicate that he also wants the opposite.

 

This is impossible in the reality in which we all currently live -- we simply cannot have it both ways. I do not subscribe to 'black-or-white thinking' when it comes to personal healing and development;

but, in the case of whether or not to start deceiving your wife and lying to yourself, it most definitely is an either/or decision that you have to make.

 

I don't care, and whatever you take for your own Higher Power does not care what you choose...but you do need to accept that it is an either/or.

[elaine567]

The plans were partially laid but can and hopefully will be unwound.

 

"hopefully" what does that really mean?

[Mr. Lucky]

Months after I divorced I still felt guilty for having sex with other women.

 

Six months after my divorce, I spent the night with someone for the first time. And all was good until about 3:00 am, when I woke up with an overwhelming feeling that I shouldn't be there, so strong I silently grabbed my stuff and snuck out.

 

The mind does funny things...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I may be wrong but it seems to me you've no intention of 'closing it down'.

 

I don't think this is true. The reason I'm in the forum is that I'm trying to avoid a world of hurt for everyone involved.

 

Well now, it doesn’t really sound like you have any intention of closing it down when you ask things like this...

 

For those that did have an affair that wasn't caught or disclosed, how did you feel after the fact?

 

Did it affect your life at home? spouse/kids?

 

My preference is obviously to shut this down ASAP, but I want to know from those that experienced it whether even if it wasn't caught, whether it was something that you regretted and wished never took place in the first place.

 

treehugger, how did you cope after the fact especially since you work together? Do you think you're likely to get with him again? Was the first time worth it?

 

That sounds very much like a man who is contemplating an affair, and trying to assess the damage that will occur if/when he gets caught. It sounds like someone who is assessing the risk/reward of the act. It doesn’t sound like a man who is concerned about his wife’s feelings, or how this will affect his family... It sounds like a man who is thinking only about himself.

 

Thanks DKT3. I'm hoping I can lead with this next time we talk. Ideally, that will put things to rest.

 

The plans were partially laid but can and hopefully will be unwound.

 

With all due respect, you don’t sound particularly convincing... You don’t sound resolute in your decision, which makes me believe...

 

In a few weeks, after the business trip you'll be back talking about how she came on to you after a few drinks and you were powerless to resist :rolleyes:.

Edited February 3, 2019 by BaileyB

[DKT3]

Six months after my divorce, I spent the night with someone for the first time. And all was good until about 3:00 am, when I woke up with an overwhelming feeling that I shouldn't be there, so strong I silently grabbed my stuff and snuck out.

 

The mind does funny things...

 

Mr. Lucky

I'm not ashamed to say, I cried after sex the first time after divorce.

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife and I have somewhat different perspectives on love and sex. She can't separate the two.

 

For someone in a committed relationship like marriage, didn't know this was a liability...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

My wife and I have somewhat different perspectives on love and sex. She can't separate the two.

 

For someone in a committed relationship like marriage, didn't know this was a liability...

 

Indeed. And since a marriage is a contract between TWO people, it’s difficult to understand how the feelings and opinions of one of those people could be so casually dismissed...

 

I wonder if OP would be of the same opinion if the shoe was on the other foot, and his loving wife and mother of his two children was having sex with another man...

Edited February 3, 2019 by BaileyB

[Ronni_W]

Months after I divorced I still felt guilty for having sex with other women. I know I can separate sex and love, but I also know I couldn't handle the guilt of cheating.

Sure. But. Sex after divorce is not cheating. The guilt that you (and Mr. Lucky) felt at that time can properly and appropriately be attributed to all kinds of theories about the psyche and its psychology,

but it does not actually speak to an ability to separate physical sexual gratification from the act of loving sex; so, may not really be useful to the OP.

[ConflictedMan]

"hopefully" what does that really mean?

 

It means I would like to stop my guilt and this proposition before it gets more out of hand but haven't had the opportunity to do so yet.

[treehugger12]

Months after I divorced I still felt guilty for having sex with other women. I know I can separate sex and love, but I also know I couldn't handle the guilt of cheating.

 

So why did you?

 

The same reason most people cheat, like OP, we get into a fog when someone is giving us attention and missing intimacy, like I was missing it at home with my husband, being together over 25 years and being neglected by him because he has a serious gaming addiction. I never thought I’d ever cheat, like a lot of people never think they would. But the opportunity came up when I was extremely vulnerable and lonely in my marriage. It felt really good to be desired by another guy and lost all self control and I caved.

Edited February 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote

[treehugger12]

Thank you for your insight. It's very helpful.

 

treehugger, how did you cope after the fact especially since you work together? Do you think you're likely to get with him again? Was the first time worth it?

 

Your welcome, I hope I can help. I did not cope well at all for a long time because it was very emotional for me, I was crazy about him, we knew we couldn’t let it happen again and thank goodness we were both strong, all though we did come close a couple of times afterwards and we did do some sexting here and there but we knew how much was at risk. We officially ended it. I will honestly say I don’t regret it and that one time was worth it for me. I’m sure I’ll get shafted here for that but just being honest. No, we won’t go there again. I’m out of the fog completely and see very clearly now and I do not ever want to go thru those emotions again. My heart was literally aching for months, my blood pressure went up, I had severe anxiety, especially when I was around him. No way, I can’t and won’t put myself through that, I also don’t want to be that person and I don’t want to do that to my marriage. I’ve always been a good honest person with good qualities. I still can’t believe sometimes that it even happened. Him and I have moved on from it and we’re friends at work. I’ll always have a thing for him, my feelings just aren’t as strong anymore but it took a long time to there.

Edited February 3, 2019 by treehugger12

[DKT3]

Sure. But. Sex after divorce is not cheating. The guilt that you (and Mr. Lucky) felt at that time can properly and appropriately be attributed to all kinds of theories about the psyche and its psychology,

but it does not actually speak to an ability to separate physical sexual gratification from the act of loving sex; so, may not really be useful to the OP.

 

I understand the dynamic, monogamy is ingrained in some people. while we are all flawed and can fall into situations it's not until some have gone too far do they truly understand. My point is having the ability to separate sex and love doesn't mean you can handle the fallout of betraying your spouse. Those are not necessarily connected, the ability to separate sex and love and actually dealing with the fallout.