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NO remorse for [wife's past] cheating


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Old 23rd December 2017, 6:28 AM   #31
rog
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No remorse for (wife's past) cheating

rog, what does your "shrink" have to say about your position?

Iíve been told that my asking her to marry me and making love with her just after some other guy did her has become an obsession of anger.

What does he say you should do?


My wife has never apologized; she perpetually states she did nothing to be apologetic about. He has suggested couples counseling; my wife will not participate in counseling. She says itís my problem and I should just get over it. That what happened, happened, and I should just forget.

Your wife did you wrong by not telling you before you
married her.
Would you of married her if she had told you the truth when
you saw her on Valentines day?


Probably NOT! I would have never proposed. How could I accept what she did. She just spent the weekend having had unprotected sex. She then has sex with me; a few hours after her lover left his DNA in her and then I go swimming in his stuff. I could never have accepted what she did and what happened if I had known at that time.

Did your WW tell you all the details at once or did she trickle
out the truth?

She told me every minuet graphic detail of their week end together. She began to tell me a little, and I pushed in anger for the whole story. I got more than I needed to know. She told me that they didnít use condoms because she liked the feel of his naked skin, the details of how he had a fantastic body and how he knew how to use it. As she divulged more I yelled at her and she just kept going. My anger turned into rage. She described their oral and other physical contacts. She was making comparisons of me and him and he was definitely the winner!

In favor of your WW she did tell you that she was breaking up
with you, told you about the OM asking her out on a date and
she was going out with him, at that point she hung up the phone.
Once that phone call ended she had dumped you. The relationship
was over.

I didnít see it that way. I believed she was trying to get me to move on the question of marriage; she wanted children. She had been pushing for this. She stated over the phone that we hade been living together a long time and our relationship wasnít moving to the next level and maybe we should stop seeing each other to sort out what we both wanted. I told her I didnít want to do that. That I loved her and I didnít want her going out on a date. My gut told me she would probably sleep with him. I was terrified of the possible truth, so I never asked when I got back.

So I can see her to this day believing that she not cheat on you.

Now I have to ask; you knew that your WW had a wild past and
if she went out with this OM chances are she did put out.

I knew there wasnít a guy she wouldnít have sex with if he pushed the right buttons with her. I slept with her on our first date and as a mater of fact, we spent that weekend together. My friend Nick had slept with her on his first date with her. I didnít find this out until he told me after I started dating her. He told me that they hooked up over 3 years or more before she and I got together. At that time I was living in an other part of the country.
Right from the first date I had with her I believed we were exclusively only dating and sleeping with each other. I was naÔve, I thought because we slept together on the first date it meant something special. This delusional concept of just us was blown apart about a month or more after we started dating. She had never mentioned that she was seeing anyone else and with all the time we were together I thought she was just dating and sleeping with me, that wasnít true.
I found her having sex with some guy. I had stopped by her apartment without phoning. I got off work at 10:00PM that particular night and I thought Iíd swing by her place and weíd go out for something to eat. Weíd done that many times before. I hadnít seen her or spoken with her in a few days because of my job. I got to her efficiency apartment, unlocked the door with her key that she had given me, walked down the hall and saw her and some guy having sex on her pull out bed. I was frozen like a deer in headlights. She told me to leave and she would talk to me the next day. She phoned me and we met at a restaurant to talk. She basically told me we were not exclusively dating each other. Why hadnít she told me this earlier? I told her I didnít want to share her with any other guys. She told me that she was dating others at this time and if I wanted to date her I would just have to accept it for now and things might change with time.



So the question is why did you not ask your WW that Sunday
when you got back if she went on that date, and what happened
on that date instead of just asking her to marry you?

I didnít want to ask, I didnít want to hear it.
I loved her. There was something about how she and I got along. She made me feel special and unique. She was beautiful and I was mesmerized by her. I felt comfortable with her. We would sometimes just talk and hold each other. She was a fascinating person to be with and talk too. I didnít want to loose her, so I never asked.

Plus side for the both of you, she was honest and told you when
asked for details. That you had great sex and she was faithful
for the entire marriage.

You are 72, married 46 years, to old to start a new family,
throw the holidays and every other special event away of
your kids and grand kids.

I would be mad if I was you. Mad at my WW for lying to me.
She hid the truth, that is lying by omission, before she married
you. Though you need to be madder at yourself because 45
years ago once you had the truth you needed to decide to
leave her and start fresh with someone new or stay and let
the past go.


You did not go and did not let the past go. It is normal to have
the past comeback and trigger you. But at 46 years later
the triggers should be few, far in between, and be over in
seconds.
It isnít. Through the years of our marriage when we were intimate and I would touch her I visualized him touching her. When I would look at my wifeís naked body I would see him taking her in his arms. Many times the graphic description she gave me of him and the things they did together seems to be quite real. When we stated dating I learned she was dating and sleeping with other men before we became monogamous. However the not knowing when we slept together if it was after someone else had made love to her made me feel cuckold, I hated not being her only lover. I told her of my feelings and she stopped dating others eventually. The trauma of knowing all of my wifeís sexual history plagues me. Anything can trigger a mental picture or movie of her and other men together having sex.


What is it that you need from your WW for you to let go of the
past?

Iím not sure I know, a lot of years have gone by and my anger has become the norm. We spend a lot of time together, but itís casual, distant friendly time. Not the husband and wife romantic closeness of people who are intimately and passionately in love with each other. When we do connect with each other, it is functional and sometimes robotic. I feel she does what she needs to do to take care of both of our needs. Then scurries off to do other things she is passionate about. She says my expectation of our intimate time together with her is time consuming. That she never has enough time in the day to get everything done she wants. Maybe I need to know she has strong emotional feelings for me. In all the years we have been married she has never said she loves me.
I have often referred to myself as the default husband. She once told me the only reason she said yes to my proposal of marriage was because no one else asked. That her biological clock was ticking and she wanted children within a marriage. She told me all this years later after I found out she had continued to sleep with her last lover during our engagement period. He is the one she told me had a great body and knew how to use it to make her body explode when they were intimate. That she didn't feel the same emotional explosion with me as she did with him. That there was no comparison, that we were different men with different bodies. That sex with me was extremely different and that there were no fire works, but it was OK.
The answer might be, Iím angry with myself. Knowing what I knew then and what I know now; I should never have continued to date her or married her. She has for the most part, always been honest and up front about whom she was as a person and what she wanted out of life. Iím the one who had the blinders on, refusing or unable to see the reality of my life with her. Or maybe I was just mesmerized like an ancient Greek sailor by her siren mystique and never saw the destructive emotional reality of what I was getting myself into.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 8:07 AM   #32
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As you yourself have said you should have never married her. I imagine out of all the men who your wife has been with, most of them had enough sense to not even think about getting serious with her. Why you kept going back to that woman, let alone put a ring on it, I don't know.

I have to agree with what someone else said. I think you have a lot of anger at yourself and you project it on to your wife. Your wife is a Tiger who has always shown you her stripes. Granted the valentines thing, she cheated on you period, and I've always hated the whole "Oh I've been ****ing other people but we didn't say the word exclusive so...." thing when it comes to dating. But besides that?? You chose to marry her, you chose to stay with her after you knew what was going on, you've chosen to remain married to her.

Normally I'm not one to tell someone to move on or forgive but at your age, considering how long ago this was, and the fact that your wife clearly doesn't give a **** it's either that or walk away. But if it's been this long, how likely is it do you think you'll be able to ever move past this if you stay with her?

Have you ever tried spending time away from your wife? Living separately? Doing your own thing? I'm not saying divorce but maybe some time apart might help give you some perspective.
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Old 12th January 2018, 6:22 PM   #33
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rog

Sorry, I'm new here. In fact, I registered here due to your story. I lurk a lot on these types of forums... it's old habit I guess.

If you care to hear my story, I'll be happy to share but in the interest of brevity, I'll just say my story with my former wife shares a lot of similarities with yours. Some exactly the same, some different. I'd say had it much better than you (although given the circumstances, that ain't sayin much).

So here goes. You're a Trooper dude, no doubt about it. You have endured a proverbial s#$@storm of extremely poor judgement, bad attitude, and miserable treatment from your wife. Don't fool yourself that she somehow deserves your tender loving touch regarding any conversations, actions or demands you decide on at this point. I'm not being mean, I'm being honest... let's review.

1) Accept it and get over it. (#1 response of a cheating spouse who doesn't want to deal with guilt, shame, or blame)

2) Has never said "I love you" (Really. Holy crap man!)

3) The BS she pulled the week you were away AND the day you proposed.

Enough. ENOUGH! 40 friggin YEARS? 40 some odd years of you enduring her EASILY puts you in a position to make some demands of your own and quite frankly, she doesn't have to like ANY of it. She does NOT deserve your kindness, regardless of how long you've endured her foul attitude. She is a user, and she is an abuser, pure and simple. If you don't think she enjoys seeing you hurt, I have news for you... you're the only one. Further, and as much as I hate to say it, if you really believe she never cheated on you post marriage, I have nice bridge for sale.

You're pretty dang late in life man, you need to do whatever makes YOU happy at this point. Do you REALLY think she would even CARE if you left? Go explore your own happiness! Be honest, and true with yourself. For once! Now, this is going to sound less than "nice" (and I'm sure to get clobbered for it), but I got ~lucky~. My former wife passed away over 10 years ago. I was at once horrified, devastated and completely destroyed. Oh sure, I'd pondered leaving her for over a decade. But, I loved her and made a friggin habit of lying to myself. When she passed, I moved on. It took awhile, but I met an absolutely wonderful woman. One who acted like she loved me, told me so, made me H A P P Y! I remarried... and I have ENJOYED LIFE in a EVERY way 100% more than I did with my previous wife. Looking back... 19yrs not ~completely~ wasted, but wow, I didn't know what I didn't know.

Good luck and God Speed man. Really, I hope the best for your future (which is more than I would dare suggest your wife would say).
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Old 18th January 2018, 10:01 AM   #34
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I can't imagine that she was actually faithful throughout the marriage.
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Old 28th January 2018, 3:37 PM   #35
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If I text what I really think I will just disapoint you, and yet it changes nothing. Goodluck
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Old 28th January 2018, 4:24 PM   #36
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At this point, divorcing her is pointless. My thoughts would be to find something for myself that I could do that would equal in my mind the explosive passion she had for the other man, so you could go to your grave knowing 'what she had and deprived you of'. This would not necessarily be having sexual relations, or even involving anyone else. For example, you could tell her that you are going to go on a walkabout for a year, alone, to experience what this world has to offer. 'Walkabout' is (from Merriam-Webster) 1 : a short period of wandering bush life engaged in by an Australian aborigine as an occasional interruption of regular work óoften used in the phrase go walkabout. the man who went walkabout was making a ritual journey.

You could take a year off without her. Go places, see the world alone. Learn why God gave you your particular destiny, and perhaps, find peace. If it bothers her, so much the better. But remember, you are doing it for YOU, not her. What she has to say about it is irrelevant. Good luck.
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Old 28th January 2018, 5:23 PM   #37
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So sorry Rog, but you have thrown your life away.

It could have been so much better with a good woman who really loved you.
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Old 28th January 2018, 8:24 PM   #38
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At this point, divorcing her is pointless. My thoughts would be to find something for myself that I could do that would equal in my mind the explosive passion she had for the other man, so you could go to your grave knowing 'what she had and deprived you of'. This would not necessarily be having sexual relations, or even involving anyone else. For example, you could tell her that you are going to go on a walkabout for a year, alone, to experience what this world has to offer. 'Walkabout' is (from Merriam-Webster) 1 : a short period of wandering bush life engaged in by an Australian aborigine as an occasional interruption of regular work —often used in the phrase go walkabout. the man who went walkabout was making a ritual journey.

You could take a year off without her. Go places, see the world alone. Learn why God gave you your particular destiny, and perhaps, find peace. If it bothers her, so much the better. But remember, you are doing it for YOU, not her. What she has to say about it is irrelevant. Good luck.
That's what I'm saying. He's 72, who knows how much time he has left. Does he really want to waste it ruminating on his remorseless wife?? He should go do his own thing. Get away from her for awhile. Clear his head. Travel or whatever. Spend a couple of months in another country. Hell I just got back from Costa Rica and was hanging out with a 75 yo vietnam vet (I'm 33) who was there for a few weeks. He had a blast (he's been going there for on and off 14 years though).

If I was in his shoes at his age I sure as hell wouldn't be sitting around worrying about my wife if she was like his.

Last edited by JS84; 28th January 2018 at 8:27 PM..
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Old 28th January 2018, 9:04 PM   #39
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You dated for two years and she was bringing up marriage. She was telling you in no uncertain terms, loud and clear that she wanted commitment. You kept avoiding the issue. You should’ve listened to her. What was the hold up. You said you’re a jealous guy; arguing never raises interest level. Was there any red flags? If there was no red flags then you should’ve proposed and married her, which could’ve avoided all this pain you felt. If you were so concerned about the guys she slept with then you should’ve broken it up with her.

There’s nothing you can do about her past, forgive and forget. Learn to be at peace and it starts within you. Forgive her. Forgive yourself.

Last edited by Interstellar; 28th January 2018 at 9:26 PM..
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Old 28th January 2018, 9:34 PM   #40
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Where are all the betrayed spouses who stayed with their advice on how to stop replaying the images of sex in your head? What is your secret?
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Old 29th January 2018, 1:24 AM   #41
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Wow. This is a sad story. I can’t give you any advice because the whole thing seems crazy to me. Do you somehow get off on feeling superior to her? Get over it. Obviously, I know that’s not helpful... but... wtf? It’s been what...46 years?And to whoever said he should leave her and he could find a 50 year old... that’s not likely. I’m getting close to 50 and there is no way in hell I’d date a 72 year old. Even if he was a millionaire and the healthiest 72 year old on the planet. But if you’d be happier alone than with her, then by all means leave her. Or forgive her and move on. Stop wasting your life being consumed with anger. She is who she is.

Last edited by Veronica73; 29th January 2018 at 1:38 AM..
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Old 29th January 2018, 8:17 AM   #42
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I just read the first post again.

Rog, how many times have you talked to your wife about
her cheating on you?

When was the last time you had talked to your
wife about what she did to you?

What do you want to do? Divorce her, in house separation,
move out of the house, what?

What do you want your wife to do?
Admit she was wrong, what?
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Old 2nd February 2018, 5:45 PM   #43
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And be sure to publicly disown the child you raised as your own all these years. I mean, fair is fair, and that kid is just collateral damage, along with any fake grandchildren you may have. Go nuclear baby.
Who would he do that!?

I mean the kid has no fault, are you serious!

What kind of advice is this?!

The kid is his, whether their DNA matches or not!

This would destroy the 45 years old man!

Hey son, you are not my son, your mom screwed up a random guy and I hate you for it so I am gonna disown you, you are not getting a penny out of my pocket because you are bastard, what are we? In game of throne or something!
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Old 2nd February 2018, 6:27 PM   #44
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Who would he do that!?

I mean the kid has no fault, are you serious!

What kind of advice is this?!

The kid is his, whether their DNA matches or not!

This would destroy the 45 years old man!

Hey son, you are not my son, your mom screwed up a random guy and I hate you for it so I am gonna disown you, you are not getting a penny out of my pocket because you are bastard, what are we? In game of throne or something!
I do not know why knabe said that. The OP never said that
his WW got pregnant from her OM.

I took a quick look back and could find no reference to that.
Though I did not remember this or forgot that his WW
kept having sex with her OM while they were engaged.

To find that out his future wife cheated on him that weekend
when she banged the OM many times right up to two hours
before with no condom, then has sex with her BH is extremely
hard to get past that.

Though to then find out that his WW kept banging the OM
while they were engaged should be the straw that broke
the camels back. Though the BH stayed because he found
out about this cheating after his son was born.

He did not want to be a part time dad.
He did not want his son to grow up without a dad from
a broken home.

The least his WW could of done was to fake remorse.
Instead she tells her BH that the OM was so much better in
bed then BH was or ever could be.

OP, you should be pissed off. Though at your age do you
blow up your family and marriage, your retirement income,
maybe have to sell you house, no more family holidays.

A lot to lose.

If you are that unhappy with your WW and do not want
to blow up your life and retirement then best thing to do
is to do an unofficial in the same house separation.
Have your own bedroom, do your own thing, take care of
yourself. Do what is known as the "180". You preside
as the head of the family for holidays and important family
celebrations.

Your WW in high school got the reputation for being easy.
She was able to get lots of dates. She married you because
you were the only one to ask her.

You were able to look past her behavior prior to you asking
her to marry you because you knew you were never going
to get a woman as hot as her.

She let you think that when asked her to marry you she would
stop being easy and would be faithful to you.

You are right to be mad at your WW. Though you have stay
with her for at least 40 years after you found out the whole
truth.

You are 72 years old. Think before you take action. Do not
damage your retirement just to get back at your WW.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 9:13 AM   #45
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Sorry OP accept my sympathy.
At 72 it is very difficult or practically impossible to start afresh but if God grant you longer life you may still have up to 20years of active life

If you won't be crushed financial, I will advice you to divorce your whoring wife so as not to waste the 20years remaining of your life as you did the past 46years. Better being a fool for 46years than being a fool for the whole of your life time.

This woman have negative or Zero love for you. You wasted the most useful time of your life on her and at 72, correct me if I am wrong, you are now on a borrowed time. Spend it not in hating others or hating yourself for the wrong choice you made over 46years ago

Forgive yourself and the only way you can achieved this is by becoming a man whom you refused to be 46 years ago. Cancel her out of your life, do 180 on her, life your life as if she doesn't exist and divorce her if doing so will not destroy and will be in your advantage.
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