Jump to content

Why are Aspies so horrible with dating?


Recommended Posts

I've noticed most males I know with Asperger's seem to have really bad luck with trying to find a girl. I've noticed that if they do date or marry, it is common for them to not even find a girlfriend until their late 20's/early 30's, and even when they do the relationship never seems to work out well. It really sucks, because alot of them are largely nice people and deserve someone.

 

Any thoughts?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I've noticed most males I know with Asperger's seem to have really bad luck with trying to find a girl. I've noticed that if they do date or marry, it is common for them to not even find a girlfriend until their late 20's/early 30's, and even when they do the relationship never seems to work out well. It really sucks, because alot of them are largely nice people and deserve someone.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Since I know nothing about Asperger's I looked it up. This answers your question:

 

"Not pick up on social cues and may lack inborn social skills, such as being able to read others' body language, start or maintain a conversation, and take turns talking.

Dislike any changes in routines.

Appear to lack empathy.

Be unable to recognize subtle differences in speech tone, pitch, and accent that alter the meaning of others’ speech. Thus, your child may not understand a joke or may take a sarcastic comment literally. Likewise, his or her speech may be flat and difficult to understand because it lacks tone, pitch, and accent."

 

That's just a few, but that pretty much answers why they don't have luck with women.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

True, but I guess I would have liked a more detailed reason as to why. I suppose there aren't many people who have a more in depth knowledge about the condition or have experience with kids/adults who have it in real life?

 

Seriously, I need help with this. These guys have as much bad luck as I do with women but they seem to actually try. I feel bad for them.

Edited by Doku
Link to post
Share on other sites
True, but I guess I would have liked a more detailed reason as to why. I suppose there aren't many people who have a more in depth knowledge about the condition or have experience with kids/adults who have it in real life?

 

Now that I read about it, I wonder if my cousin has it. He seems to have serious issues understanding sarcasm and vocal inflection, which has led to quite a few misunderstandings.

 

I know nothing besides what I read about it, so I imagine a lot of people don't know much about it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
True, but I guess I would have liked a more detailed reason as to why. I suppose there aren't many people who have a more in depth knowledge about the condition or have experience with kids/adults who have it in real life?

 

Seriously, I need help with this. These guys have as much bad luck as I do with women but they seem to actually try. I feel bad for them.

I don't mean this sarcastically, but how much more detailed can you get? Isn't a primary element of dating and forming relationships the ability to communicate verbally and non verbally, to form a connection and a bond with another person? And aren't relationships that "spark" the ones where the people are successful at finding, and nurturing a strong, intimate bond of some sort through their interactions?

 

Now, take away or diminish almost all of a person's skills at interpreting the layers and subtleties of both verbal and non verbal communication and social interaction. Is it any wonder that it would be incredibly difficult to even get a date started, let alone to move it along and make progress toward a mutually valued, emotionally intimate bond?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I've noticed most males I know with Asperger's seem to have really bad luck with trying to find a girl. I've noticed that if they do date or marry, it is common for them to not even find a girlfriend until their late 20's/early 30's, and even when they do the relationship never seems to work out well. It really sucks, because alot of them are largely nice people and deserve someone.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Sorry. I would reccomend avoiding those with this condition. They are incapable of love.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't mean this sarcastically, but how much more detailed can you get? Isn't a primary element of dating and forming relationships the ability to communicate verbally and non verbally, to form a connection and a bond with another person? And aren't relationships that "spark" the ones where the people are successful at finding, and nurturing a strong, intimate bond of some sort through their interactions?

 

Now, take away or diminish almost all of a person's skills at interpreting the layers and subtleties of both verbal and non verbal communication and social interaction. Is it any wonder that it would be incredibly difficult to even get a date started, let alone to move it along and make progress toward a mutually valued, emotionally intimate bond?

 

RIght. I read that less one in fifty marry. For good reason. An aspie wanted to be my friend and I turned him down. Too much work.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well considering that Aspies is just the new name given to people that in the past were labeled as "Nerds" or "Geeks" that there could be your answer.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm convinced that I have it

 

haha I'm convinced aspergers or whatever it is called doesn't really exist.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sorry. I would reccomend avoiding those with this condition. They are incapable of love.

 

I disagree. They are capable of love, but unable to show it in a manner that is satisfactory to most people. I would much rather be with someone with Asperger's than someone with sociopathic tendencies. Believe me, they feel the social pain of rejection.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Sorry. I would reccomend avoiding those with this condition. They are incapable of love.

 

I disagree. They are capable of love, but unable to show it in a manner that is satisfactory to most people. I would much rather be with someone with Asperger's than someone with sociopathic tendencies. Believe me, they feel the social pain of rejection.

 

I think it's a common misconception that someone with Aspergers is incapable of love, at least, it depends on how they are raised. I've known many that become somewhat misanthropic due to the way they are brought up, and it's easier for them to stay wrapped in hobbies and avoid the outside world if enabled to do so. It's just that they tend to be easily more effected by negative environments than others. I actually knew one Aspie who was the most clingy possible person to girls that he dated who in return took complete and utter advantage of how naive he was.

 

Another important note to point out is that they do biologically mature a fair amount slower than neurotypicals. At 27-30 they are in the growing stage that many of us are in during our 18-20 stage.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I disagree. They are capable of love, but unable to show it in a manner that is satisfactory to most people. I would much rather be with someone with Asperger's than someone with sociopathic tendencies. Believe me, they feel the social pain of rejection.

 

A man should lead. I am not a training ground and the rare aspie who is capable of love insists on that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think it's a common misconception that someone with Aspergers is incapable of love, at least, it depends on how they are raised. I've known many that become somewhat misanthropic due to the way they are brought up, and it's easier for them to stay wrapped in hobbies and avoid the outside world if enabled to do so. It's just that they tend to be easily more effected by negative environments than others. I actually knew one Aspie who was the most clingy possible person to girls that he dated who in return took complete and utter advantage of how naive he was.

 

Another important note to point out is that they do biologically mature a fair amount slower than neurotypicals. At 27-30 they are in the growing stage that many of us are in during our 18-20 stage.

 

Aspies are clingy and I have no patience for that. I will not date them or befriend them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
haha I'm convinced aspergers or whatever it is called doesn't really exist.

Interesting. What evidence did you collect and analyze that led you to this conclusion?

Link to post
Share on other sites

This entire thread, except for the OP, has shown me the complete disgusting ignorance people have of mental conditions (including Aspergers). Anna's comments set me off, I might as well some aspies might think hot blondes with giant boobs are incapable of love, because they've been led their entire lives to think that looks are everything.

 

It took me a lot of goddamn work to be able to read people's emotions, and body language, and I have a difficult time returning the favor like most "normal" people do, so you know what I do? I write how I feel, because when I see those words on paper, it makes it real in my mind, if I just told my SO how I felt it wouldn't feel the same to me, and when I've given those letters to people who have a deep place in my heart, it's set them into tears.

 

People with AS (Asperger's syndrome) as well as like me with severe type I Bipolar disorder can feel emotions so many times deeper than just your average person, it can be so deep and tremendous that we have a difficult time expressing it, or understanding it for ourselves. And the reason why they come off as being socially awkward is because they don't want people to think they're different, because society frowns on it. There are people with AS, with Bipolar, with the gamut of mental disorders that come around, or understand themselves more deeply in their later years, and have extremely deep, loving, and successful relationships.

 

Many people with AS can overcome the odds, and many don't. I've talked to them, you would never know they carry such a heavy burden. I've also talked with people who never did overcome AS, and while for the most part, they're genius's, that desire normalcy, like we all do, but cannot overcome the social/emotional barrier and they come off as being cold, and distant. But they aren't. I don't know if you can really "date" someone at all with a fairly extreme mental disorder, you either have a connection or you don't, and if you don't have that connection (which is usually because that person displays something extraordinary in themselves) you're not going to get very far with them. However, if you manage to have that connection you will never know anyone who is more loving, loyal, and passionate (and knowledgeable) in and out of the bedroom.

 

So Ha. :laugh:

Edited by Toki
Link to post
Share on other sites
Pink Cupcakes

Aspergers is a mild version of autism.

I teach a 7th grade student with Aspergers, and he is very affectionate. He wants to hug me first thing when he comes to class everyday, and I can't say he is incapable of love.

Very attractive boy, but he has the maturity of about a 4th grader. He does have trouble making friends because of this. This child really brightens my day.

Aspergers is a label, and each person does not show all of the same "symtoms."

If you watch the show "Parenthood", a major storyline is a couple dealing with finding out their son has Aspergers. It paints a pretty accurate description of a pre-teen with Aspergers. Even though the boy is young, you could see how relationships might be difficult for him as a teenager and adult.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Pink Cupcakes

The movie Mozart and the Whale also depicts a love/marriage relationship of a couple with Aspergers. It's based on a true story and stars Josh Hartnett. Rent it!

Link to post
Share on other sites
This entire thread, except for the OP, has shown me the complete disgusting ignorance people have of mental conditions (including Aspergers). Anna's comments set me off, I might as well some aspies might think hot blondes with giant boobs are incapable of love, because they've been led their entire lives to think that looks are everything.:
Now Toki, don't jump to conclusions. Only Anna S and Green showed complete ignorance. The truth is that even the experts are often flummoxed by the whole continuum. Is AS full autism or is it mild autism? Is it autism at all or something else? Most experts agree that it is a verbal form of autism, since most everyone with "full" autism has very limited verbal fluency and most of that is echoing what others say. But if you are frustrated by peoples' inability to understand this condition, try having something as controversial as AD/HD. :laugh:

 

Anyway, I think that much of what hampers the ability of someone with AS to begin a relationship is that they're often highly fascinated by subjects that leave most people cold. For instance, I work closely with a 9th grade boy who is nuts about a cartoon character designed for 5 yo. It's not an interest that is likely to win him many friends in high school. There are those who are crazy about butterflies or caterpillar guts or what have you and they will go on and on about it b/c many don't understand that they're never going to get others to be fascinated by the same subject. I don't look down on this, but it narrows the pool of potential dates to about .0001% of the date-able population. It's still difficult these days, but I think that people, esp kids, are more understanding of it than they were when I was younger. They were brutal to those kids in the bad old days and I'm pretty sure my cousin has it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It is a genetic disorder, so the people should not have children unless they want their children to suffer terribly for the rest of their life. If you read the information about the disorder, you will understand why they have troubles to build a relationship with proper emotional connection.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It is a genetic disorder, so the people should not have children unless they want their children to suffer terribly for the rest of their life. If you read the information about the disorder, you will understand why they have troubles to build a relationship with proper emotional connection.

 

Do you have any idea how screwed up you sound when you say this?

 

I work with a person who has Asperger's, and to say that he shouldn't reproduce because of his disorder is ridiculous.

 

I'd rather their be more people in the world like him than people advocating the sterilization of those with genetic disorders.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Aspies are clingy and I have no patience for that. I will not date them or befriend them.

 

Gosh. Can anyone really be so lame as to make a new handle just to troll on a thread about a mental issue? :sick:

Link to post
Share on other sites
Do you have any idea how screwed up you sound when you say this?

 

I work with a person who has Asperger's, and to say that he shouldn't reproduce because of his disorder is ridiculous.

 

I'd rather their be more people in the world like him than people advocating the sterilization of those with genetic disorders.

 

Sterilization is out of the question.

 

However, I don't think he suggested that they be FORBIDDEN to have children. Merely that they themselves should consider very carefully the impact of their disorder on their children, especially if their partner has the same disorder, thus increasing the chance.

 

This is a very grey area that may be right or wrong. What do you think about two people with Huntington's disease who have children? It is a genetic disorder as well. I honestly believe they should, of their own accord, recognize that by having a child they are essentially almost certainly sentencing that child to an extremely short lifespan, and thus should make the decision on their own behalf to not reproduce.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...