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Update after 6 years!


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 13th July 2018, 5:32 AM   #1
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Update after 6 years!

Hello, someone will remember me...

we finally separated last week (but still living together). We were having sex once a month... she said she didn't want to have sex anymore with me, or anybody else... and she didn't want therapy. Sex is a bad place for her because I haunted her many years ago for wanting sex twice a month. I used to get angry. Not violent, just angry. I guessed I've ruined everything. It's difficult for me to understand because we have such different personalities. She offered a sexless marriage but I turned it down. She understood. Thank you for listening!

G

EDIT: this is my last thread... and wow! I forgot it ended up being locked!

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/bre...fusing-therapy

Last edited by giotto; 13th July 2018 at 6:05 AM..
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Old 13th July 2018, 11:22 AM   #2
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Ha, ha, I actually alerted moderation when first sighting a post from you this morning. I remember yours and JamesM's contributions to the sexless marriage threads over the years and often link them for new members who arrive with similar marital issues.

Sorry to read things didn't resolve and you're now separating. Man, that's tough when the other marital parts are still viable. I'm going through that with a MW right now whose husband isn't interested in sex. I've also noticed he isn't interested in even embracing her or kissing her. She talked about separating this past weekend but I told her to exhaust all options prior to making that choice because IMO it's a slippery slope to divorce. I don't recall how long you've been married but they're closing in on 30 years.

Keep us posted and welcome back!
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Old 13th July 2018, 11:23 AM   #3
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Better days ahead

The end of any relationship is painful, both emotionally and physically. However, better days are definitely ahead. Avoid alcohol/drugs, take care of yourself, eat well, do nice things for yourself, and avoid rebound relationships. Don't get in a hurry to find someone else. You WILL end up with someone that wants you - both physically and emotionally. Wanting sex more than once a month was not unreasonable. Ironically, I suspect you both will go on to find more sex and love - and be much happier. Probably hard to see now, but you've been given another chance at life/happiness. Make the most of it. Best wishes.
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Old 13th July 2018, 11:59 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carhill View Post
Ha, ha, I actually alerted moderation when first sighting a post from you this morning. I remember yours and JamesM's contributions to the sexless marriage threads over the years and often link them for new members who arrive with similar marital issues.

Sorry to read things didn't resolve and you're now separating. Man, that's tough when the other marital parts are still viable. I'm going through that with a MW right now whose husband isn't interested in sex. I've also noticed he isn't interested in even embracing her or kissing her. She talked about separating this past weekend but I told her to exhaust all options prior to making that choice because IMO it's a slippery slope to divorce. I don't recall how long you've been married but they're closing in on 30 years.

Keep us posted and welcome back!

thank you... not sure why I posted this update... I guess it's a major change. We've been married 28 years, together 33... it's tough, but I have exhausted
all avenues and, despite the fact that things had improved, I guess menopause put all that back to square one... I will keep you posted! Glad you are still around!
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Old 13th July 2018, 12:02 PM   #5
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The end of any relationship is painful, both emotionally and physically. However, better days are definitely ahead. Avoid alcohol/drugs, take care of yourself, eat well, do nice things for yourself, and avoid rebound relationships. Don't get in a hurry to find someone else. You WILL end up with someone that wants you - both physically and emotionally. Wanting sex more than once a month was not unreasonable. Ironically, I suspect you both will go on to find more sex and love - and be much happier. Probably hard to see now, but you've been given another chance at life/happiness. Make the most of it. Best wishes.
thank you! Yes, my aim is exactly that... we will be facing a totally empty nest next here, so it's probably better it's happening now.... I do plan to enjoy myself for the rest of my life...
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Old 13th July 2018, 12:05 PM   #6
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Yep, menopause is a bugger. Likely it was one factor in our D as well and is IMO holding sway in this current deal with the MW I posted about, since they married in their teens and she's now late 40's and into peri-menopause. I won't get graphic but she's gone apparently opposite of your spouse sexually, voracious. I really feel for her H, good guy but man you gotta love your wife or she'll go. I did my share of screwing up, not sexually but in other ways, and my wife went and the guy she went to during our D she's now been with for eight years so that says something.

Never too late to start over and I hope, if D is your choice, it doesn't put you off women like happened to me. Since you married young, I doubt it will. Lots of lovely ladies out there.
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Old 13th July 2018, 2:21 PM   #7
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Why is it men always want to have sex even when nothing is going right? Seriously, this baffles women. It's the difference between most men and most women. Most women need to have the emotional connection and for conditions to feel right, not for some guy wanting to board them like a train even when he's mad.

In this case, for whatever reason, she lost her attraction -- and that's assuming she ever had any. If she did, she lost it. If she didn't, shame on her for marrying anyway. So she's trying to work herself up to have a libido instead of feeling raped. That's understandable, right? What we don't know is if you were George Clooney, would she magically have an active libido. Just don't know.

Fighting about sex or lack of it is no way to live for either of you. Wishing you better luck in the future. At least at the beginning of relationships, both people are usually into sex, though it very often fades over time and/or with children. So I just caution you to not get involved with someone next who isn't really into it or seems like she's holding out and to get with someone who seems, for the time being, eager to have sex. They're out there. Don't go chasing some woman and talking her into being with you. Go for the woman who is chasing you because she finds you that attractive. Yes, this might mean a come-down on looks, but sex matters that much to you, so do it.
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Old 13th July 2018, 4:00 PM   #8
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Listen, menopause...

Quote:
Originally Posted by giotto View Post
thank you... not sure why I posted this update... I guess it's a major change. We've been married 28 years, together 33... it's tough, but I have exhausted
all avenues and, despite the fact that things had improved, I guess menopause put all that back to square one... I will keep you posted! Glad you are still around!
Listen, menopause... gets a bad rap, and is used as an excuse too much.

Yes, some women just lose all desire after menopause, it is a real thing.

But I have known so many woman that are post menopausal and their drive and desire is through the roof.

So something does not add up about that, I guess some women are different?

I cannot be the only man in the world to have witnessed this...
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Old 13th July 2018, 4:26 PM   #9
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From my remembrance, giotto's wife enjoyed sex when they have it but that's rare. I think he put it as enjoys and orgasms. That must've changed recently. Also the issue had been going on for I believe ten years at the time, now 18 (?) so clearly not always potentially explainable by menopause. That phase is recent due to age.
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Old 13th July 2018, 7:57 PM   #10
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thank you! Yes, my aim is exactly that... we will be facing a totally empty nest next here, so it's probably better it's happening now.... I do plan to enjoy myself for the rest of my life...
Giotto, as difficult the decision to separate/divorce...you will reap the rewards.

There are plenty of "more experienced" ladies that just can't get enough sex. You will eventually meet one of these gals and she will rock your world. Enjoy!
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Old 14th July 2018, 3:33 AM   #11
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Never too late to start over and I hope, if D is your choice, it doesn't put you off women like happened to me. Since you married young, I doubt it will. Lots of lovely ladies out there.
I love ladies so it hasn't put me off at all. I now believe she lost her attraction for me some time ago (maybe even 15 years ago), but never admitted it. She is a complex person. Now she is menopausal and she can't really be bothered... fair enough. I feel rejected a bit, but not a lot I can do about it. We are not planning to divorce, I said I would live my own life...
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Old 14th July 2018, 3:36 AM   #12
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From my remembrance, giotto's wife enjoyed sex when they have it but that's rare. I think he put it as enjoys and orgasms. That must've changed recently. Also the issue had been going on for I believe ten years at the time, now 18 (?) so clearly not always potentially explainable by menopause. That phase is recent due to age.
Yes, you are right... she is also on AD for recurrent catastrophic thoughts (classified as OCD)... about 10 years ago she said she would seek therapy so we could go back to "normal", as our marriage was at the beginning, but then she backtracked... that was the core of my post in 2009... I really am a bit clueless. I'm mentioning menopause because this is the only change in the recent months...
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Old 14th July 2018, 3:38 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by What_Did_I_Do View Post
Giotto, as difficult the decision to separate/divorce...you will reap the rewards.

There are plenty of "more experienced" ladies that just can't get enough sex. You will eventually meet one of these gals and she will rock your world. Enjoy!
Thank you! I will!
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Old 14th July 2018, 3:42 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
Listen, menopause... gets a bad rap, and is used as an excuse too much.

Yes, some women just lose all desire after menopause, it is a real thing.

But I have known so many woman that are post menopausal and their drive and desire is through the roof.

So something does not add up about that, I guess some women are different?

I cannot be the only man in the world to have witnessed this...
Thanks for your input... unfortunately, my wife is not the most talkative person in the world. When she told me she didn't want to have sex with me any more, to my pressing questions, she answered that she is menopausal and her libido is less than zero, even less than before. She hated it when I put pressure on her between 2002-2010 to have sex, although I was only asking for twice a month. It is true I would get angry. Not violent. Angry with her. I'm not proud of it and obviously I did some damage. I have a completely different personality and to me they were just rows... ah well. Now she doesn't want to get into that place any more, even if it's been 10 years since my last outburst. I thought things had improved... I was wrong.
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Old 14th July 2018, 4:15 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Why is it men always want to have sex even when nothing is going right? Seriously, this baffles women. It's the difference between most men and most women. Most women need to have the emotional connection and for conditions to feel right, not for some guy wanting to board them like a train even when he's mad.

In this case, for whatever reason, she lost her attraction -- and that's assuming she ever had any. If she did, she lost it. If she didn't, shame on her for marrying anyway. So she's trying to work herself up to have a libido instead of feeling raped. That's understandable, right? What we don't know is if you were George Clooney, would she magically have an active libido. Just don't know
Come on, rape? The word adds nothing to this discussion of sexless marriages...

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