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Consequences ***Updated***


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 26th December 2017, 9:17 PM   #46
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My friend I mentioned above is the only one I've confided in and she expressed anger that someone was "messing with" me. I trust her to not share my secrets, I hold hers as well.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 1:34 PM   #47
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Misplaced guilt

Any OW feel guilty for not responding when the MM texts? I'm currently ignoring his text from a few hours earlier just checking in and letting me know what he's up to since we haven't seen each other because of the holidays. I know it's crazy, but part of my problem in even temporary NC is feeling like I'm being mean to him, not being a good friend. Even though he at times has not responded to me for several days when he's in a funk.

And yes, I know many of you will want to say what I should feel guilty about is being in the A. Believe me, I do feel that. And I do know he's "being mean" and "not being a good friend to me" by different actions along the way and just the very nature of having an A.

I just wanted to hear from OW or OM to see if my feeling guilty for not responding to him is normal or part of my particular issues due to MM's cancer. After reading here I'm more cognizant of the possibility of that "hook" being in play.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 4:34 PM   #48
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Of course you feel guilty. In your mind and on your side, this is a relationship you care about.


That is one reason blocking helps. You can't feel guilty about a text you didn't get. Blocking gives you space to heal and develop boundaries.


Remember one fact. It takes way less effort to keep an AP than to find, groom, and train a new one. This is true even if the AP is struggling.


He is not your friend.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 4:52 PM   #49
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Of course you feel guilty. In your mind and on your side, this is a relationship you care about.


That is one reason blocking helps. You can't feel guilty about a text you didn't get. Blocking gives you space to heal and develop boundaries.


Remember one fact. It takes way less effort to keep an AP than to find, groom, and train a new one. This is true even if the AP is struggling.


He is not your friend.
This is so true. If you are struggling with the relationship, he will just keep nagging at you. It isn't because he actually cares about you. He doesn't want his neat little arrangement upset.

He will get you at your lowest, most vulnerable moments.

Poppy
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Old 2nd January 2018, 5:07 PM   #50
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Thanks eye of the storm and Poppy47. I just get stuck in my own head going around and around in circles, it's good to get a clearer outside viewpoint!
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Old 2nd January 2018, 6:48 PM   #51
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Any OW feel guilty for not responding when the MM texts? I'm currently ignoring his text from a few hours earlier just checking in and letting me know what he's up to since we haven't seen each other because of the holidays. I know it's crazy, but part of my problem in even temporary NC is feeling like I'm being mean to him, not being a good friend. Even though he at times has not responded to me for several days when he's in a funk.

And yes, I know many of you will want to say what I should feel guilty about is being in the A. Believe me, I do feel that. And I do know he's "being mean" and "not being a good friend to me" by different actions along the way and just the very nature of having an A.

I just wanted to hear from OW or OM to see if my feeling guilty for not responding to him is normal or part of my particular issues due to MM's cancer. After reading here I'm more cognizant of the possibility of that "hook" being in play.
Let me ask you something. Do you love yourself more than you love him? Do you respect yourself more than you do him? If yes, then continue to ignore those texts. Time to put YOU first and not worry about him and his feelings since he couldn't care less about yours. Remember why NC is in place. It's for you to heal and stay in a healthy place. Time to BLOCK him or change your number, make it impossible for him to contact you. NC is pointless if you're still reading his texts, messages or emails.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 9:23 PM   #52
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Originally Posted by Finding my way View Post
Any OW feel guilty for not responding when the MM texts? I'm currently ignoring his text from a few hours earlier just checking in and letting me know what he's up to since we haven't seen each other because of the holidays. I know it's crazy, but part of my problem in even temporary NC is feeling like I'm being mean to him, not being a good friend. Even though he at times has not responded to me for several days when he's in a funk.

And yes, I know many of you will want to say what I should feel guilty about is being in the A. Believe me, I do feel that. And I do know he's "being mean" and "not being a good friend to me" by different actions along the way and just the very nature of having an A.

I just wanted to hear from OW or OM to see if my feeling guilty for not responding to him is normal or part of my particular issues due to MM's cancer. After reading here I'm more cognizant of the possibility of that "hook" being in play.
Yes, I would feel guilty, but at the same time strengthened. Sometimes I would be in so much pain I just needed to not respond. He understood. But he would always tell me the next time we spoke that he didn't like that and it was mean. Mind you, I couldn't call him, I could only wait for his call each morning on his way to work and we could text while he was at work or sometimes I could call him at work after asking if it was ok to call.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 11:30 PM   #53
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Thanks whichway and Daisy. I think I'm starting to get that - loving myself and taking back my power, my strength. So weird that I see myself as a strong and independent person, but I'm showing neither of those things in how I'm dealing with him.
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Old 5th January 2018, 6:19 PM   #54
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Consequences

The posts here are wonderful and so helpful, but I realized that after reading so many similar stories and after my own previous experience as a BW and current experience as the OW, I'm not sure I will ever be able to trust any many I'm involved with in the future to be faithful.

The second thing I've realized is that I'm always going to feel tainted and be ashamed for my role as the OW and will never want to admit that to any future partner. But I also think I would feel guilty for not making full disclosure and I would never feel like I was being open and honest, and without that I think a relationship is doomed.

Anyone else dealt with those issues?
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Old 5th January 2018, 6:23 PM   #55
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Ugh, SMH. You are not tainted.

1. There are people out there who want nothing more than to have a faithful committed relationship.


2. You fell in love with the wrong person. If you want to tell your next partner, just say that. You don't have to go into in depth discussions about why anymore than you need to discuss how many people you have had sex with or your favorite position with each one of them.
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Old 5th January 2018, 6:31 PM   #56
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OP,
if you feel like you need to disclosed if a relationship is getting serious, then do so.
It sounds like you have learned and grown a lot from your experiences, and there are people out there who can really respect that. You have touched the fire and been burnt and now you know to never do that again.

I'm not going to condone the affair, but I don't think it needs to be a reason for you to feel ashamed either.
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Old 5th January 2018, 6:57 PM   #57
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I think you need to get out of this affair first before you start the doom and gloom about being tainted and being full of guilt and shame.

You are a older woman, you don't need to list your relationships like a teenager to any man and by what goes on in this forum, NEVER tell anything about past bfs as he will struggle to get over it. I have IRL never encountered all the retrospective jealousy that seems so common here.

The less you say the better, but no-one has ever quizzed me about my relationship history.
Who really cares?
It is the here and now that matters.
Yes you can mention your 23 year marriage as that is a significant relationship, but your affair or any other flings, is really no-one else's business, and you certainly don't want any peeved new bf deciding to confront the MM or his wife, do you?
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Old 5th January 2018, 9:42 PM   #58
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there some good people out there. just got find the right one. and watch for signs.

I wounder if the partners that were cheated on got the gut feeling.
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Old 5th January 2018, 9:55 PM   #59
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<snip> I'm not sure I will ever be able to trust any many I'm involved with in the future to be faithful.
One thing all that stuff taught me was people do what they do, it's out of my control and I accept them as they are and decide whether or not I want to expend any of my life energy on them today. If yes, OK. That is no guarantee I'll feel that way tomorrow. Life is transitory and transactional and people are interchangeable. That doesn't mean they're good or bad, rather a commodity of billions and all mortal just like I am.


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The second thing I've realized is that I'm always going to feel tainted and be ashamed for my role as the OW and will never want to admit that to any future partner.
I'd guard against predicting the future and you are free to make any choice you wish about how you view both your past behavior and yourself in general. I seriously doubt that your role as an OW defines the length and breadth of your life. It's one part, sure. IMO, take responsibility for it and move forward.
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But I also think I would feel guilty for not making full disclosure and I would never feel like I was being open and honest, and without that I think a relationship is doomed.
Perhaps that might be healthy choice and you'd feel good once disclosing, but it's difficult to know in advance. TBH, at my age, pushing 60, what women have done in the past is both beyond my ability to verify and has no real bearing in the here and now. How we interact and how I feel their love and affection today is my focus. Tomorrow is unknown. If they go sideways, have affairs, disappear, poison my food, kill me in my sleep, hey that's how it goes. Can't read minds, ain't gonna bother.

Quote:
Anyone else dealt with those issues?
Sure, long ago. The hard part was accepting that I was flawed and imperfect. Old harsh parental messages about rules and responsibilities and honor and all that crap. Once that was processed, life got better. You'll find the path that speaks to you.
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Old 5th January 2018, 11:20 PM   #60
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Den married 30 plus years met my wife when we were both about 30. Early in our relationship to being ow to mm in LTA in recent past. Her reason for this volunteered information was that she didn't want me hearing this from somebody else and finding out it was a deal breaker for me after investing in our then-budding relationship.

That was her past. She didn't feel proud of having been in that A but it
Was a fact. How she dealt with it was appropriate. It worked out as we later married had kids, etc. had I learned this from another, it would have been very difficult to accept.

I'm not suggesting you wear the Scarlet A. But if you find
Yourself in a developing relationship, consider the possible consequences of.non-
disclosure. There is never a good time for this talk and certainly no need to bring up the topic early but I believe it's something to do early in a serious relationship.
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