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My EA has transitioned to PA plus I've asked for divorce


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 7th November 2017, 10:51 AM   #31
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Originally Posted by Ronnie33 View Post
Give me a break with this comment. Other then an attraction, you don't have to have much in common to sleep with someone. There are people that have ONS, FWB and other arrangements. Not everyone that has sex is looking for a future husband.
The OP said she had to get married because she got pregnant. Seems to me people who believe pregnancy requires marriage take every precaution not to become pregnant.
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Old 7th November 2017, 11:04 AM   #32
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I used to think it was indeed out of guilt that he didn't pursuit actual sex, when we kissed he could have touched me wherever, but in reality he didn't.

To me it looks like he really wanted some NSA originally but then realized it could be something else, so back-pedalled a bit (or substantially for that matter!)

It was a week ago when we kissed, I'm seeing him tonight and yes, we're meeting after running club.
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Old 7th November 2017, 11:17 AM   #33
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I used to think it was indeed out of guilt that he didn't pursuit actual sex, when we kissed he could have touched me wherever, but in reality he didn't.

To me it looks like he really wanted some NSA originally but then realized it could be something else, so back-pedalled a bit (or substantially for that matter!)

It was a week ago when we kissed, I'm seeing him tonight and yes, we're meeting after running club.
It sounds like you're trying to justify this affair by rationalizing that it's not ONLY about sex because you haven't had sex yet. Do you think his wife would be OK with things the way they are now between you? How about your husband? How about the other folks in the running club?
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Old 7th November 2017, 11:24 AM   #34
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"Is it so wrong thatI want it to believe the connection is true? "

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Originally Posted by waterwoman View Post

I guess I don't know what you mean by that really. You fancy each other and you have some things in common. That isn't unusual TBH. The rest of it might just be good sales technique on his part. Who knows?
Yes, you may well have a good connection with him - I certainly did with my xOW. It may well be very true and real. But as waterwoman says, it is not uncommon to create connections with people of the opposite sex. We are wired for it. Most of it have felt that kind of connection many times. This doesn't mean that he is "the one". Some connections, though real, are not appropriate, not viable, completely disrespectful to others.

And when one or both partners are already committed to someone else, it is downright irresponsible to allow such a connection to develop. These things don't "just happen" - they are a series of selfish, bad choices - I was guilty of this once and so are you.

Distance from him will lessen the connection and help you get past him. You CAN get over this. You really can.
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Old 7th November 2017, 11:25 AM   #35
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I'm not judging. I too wanted a connection and found one outside my marriage. I am no longer in that, but I understand the feeling.

My concern is you developing real, honest, love and adoration for this man, leaving your husband, only to discover he is never actually leaving his wife. No matter how miserable he may be, it is SO rare that they leave.

I just don't want to see you getting hurt.
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Old 7th November 2017, 11:28 AM   #36
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My concern is you developing real, honest, love and adoration for this man, leaving your husband, only to discover he is never actually leaving his wife. No matter how miserable he may be, it is SO rare that they leave.

I just don't want to see you getting hurt.
Yes, in bold - that's the bottom line. I am an example of it. Look after yourself and try to step away from this MM for your own sanity.

Good luck. We are here
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Old 7th November 2017, 11:29 AM   #37
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It sounds like you're trying to justify this affair by rationalizing that it's not ONLY about sex because you haven't had sex yet. Do you think his wife would be OK with things the way they are now between you? How about your husband? How about the other folks in the running club?
Not at all.. I know it's an affair. If I were his wife and read all of THOSE messages it would make me very, very sad. I know wither of our OHs would have every single reason to divorce us if they saw all the messaging, there's no question about it. I don't think the guys at the running club care at all? why would they??

I'm trying to understand his apparent change in intentions, from a NSA sex driven type of thing, to a mellow "you're the closest thing to a a best friend in 12 years.."
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Old 7th November 2017, 11:32 AM   #38
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You ask if he's lying. Of course he is. That is what people who are cheating do. They lie. It's the nature of an affair.

You're going to be hurt, and my guess is that you don't see it, because for whatever the reason, your "man picker" is off.

I read your posts, and there is a huge amount of rationalization.
You are constantly trying to make the affair okay, and I don't think that's just for our benefit. Part of your knows it's wrong morally, and wrong for you because of the place your are in in your life right now. Listen to that voice. Trust that voice. It's got a lot of wisdom.

If you need further reason to end the affair ( some can't for themselves, but can if they feel like it's helping someone else) consider this.

You say you are emotionally abused by your husband. That's a terrible thing for him to do to you...but do you know what? A lot of people see being cheated on by your spouse as a form of emotional abuse. He is emotionally abusing his wife, and you are helping him to do it. Sure, he could just as easily find another field where he can sow his oats, but he didn't. He found you, and you were receptive.
You also mention he's a loner. I'm a loner myself, and a confirmed introvert. I highly doubt he would join a running club ( you can run just as well on your own), "hunt you down" on social media, etc. if he was as much of a loner as you say. Sounds to me like he is feeding you a line, and you are falling for it, hook, line and sinker. Why do you think he went after you? You're vulnerable, and he picked up on that.

As it stands right now, you have a huge issue in front of you. You need to either sort out your marriage or leave. It sounds like there are also children in the mix, and as a mom, they are your first responsibility. Affairs often cause so much damage. Is tacitly asking your child(ren) and your mm child(ren) and his bs to pay the price for your affair something you really feel comfortable about?

Really think about that. Think of who you are, where you are and your future. Is this type of relationship really what you want?
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Old 7th November 2017, 11:34 AM   #39
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Not at all.. I know it's an affair. If I were his wife and read all of THOSE messages it would make me very, very sad. I know wither of our OHs would have every single reason to divorce us if they saw all the messaging, there's no question about it. I don't think the guys at the running club care at all? why would they??

I'm trying to understand his apparent change in intentions, from a NSA sex driven type of thing, to a mellow "you're the closest thing to a a best friend in 12 years.."
It sounds to me like you are both caught up in something and reading way more into it than what's there. You are projecting what you want him to be onto him, and that's not fair to him at all.

Someone on here has a sig line that reads " be careful your knight in shining armor isn't just a dork in tinfoil". For now, that should be your motto.
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Old 7th November 2017, 11:39 AM   #40
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I think there are a lot of misconceptions about the intent when it comes to affairs. Truth is not all men want sex from affairs, like most women, some men just want to connect with someone. Just as some women just want sex.

The difference is, MM doesn't have to create or manufacturer marriage drama.

It's been my experience that whenever someone talks in absolutes like OP (about the state of her marriage) it's usually only small parts reality but mostly justification.

OP asked if the connection is real, of course it is. But what does that mean? Does that mean it will be a legitimate relationship? Nope. It only means you have a few things in common with some physical attraction.
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Old 7th November 2017, 11:40 AM   #41
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No one here can tell you if your connection is 100% real and you'd be happily married forever in a different life, whether it's 100% bull**** on his part in order to get laid, or whether it's somewhere in between - a connection that feels much more powerful than it really is because of the overpowering effect of limerance. My bet is on the latter.

The thing is, IT DOESN'T MATTER. You are heading down a very dangerous road that is guaranteed to end poorly, one way or another. This ALWAYS ends badly. Either your spouses eventually find out and you completely torpedo your entire life, or you eventually have to end your affair and then suffer through getting over your "true love" in secret. Those are basically your only two options, and they both suck. Ask me how I know! Been there done that.

You'll be saving yourself a lot of pain and heartbreak if you just back away now.
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Old 7th November 2017, 11:44 AM   #42
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Not at all.. I know it's an affair. If I were his wife and read all of THOSE messages it would make me very, very sad. I know wither of our OHs would have every single reason to divorce us if they saw all the messaging, there's no question about it. I don't think the guys at the running club care at all? why would they??

I'm trying to understand his apparent change in intentions, from a NSA sex driven type of thing, to a mellow "you're the closest thing to a a best friend in 12 years.."
You don't think any of the members of the running club would care about you guys cheating on your spouses? Do none of them value fidelity or hold each other accountable for anything other than running?

As far as why he's changed....maybe his wife was getting suspicious.
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Old 7th November 2017, 12:06 PM   #43
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As far as why he's changed....maybe his wife was getting suspicious.
Yes. And perhaps it's possible that he wants out of the affair. I can tell you from the point of view of an MM, however much pleasure, excitement, sex and "love" you are getting out of it, if you have any kind of conscience and moral compass at all, it messes with your head terribly - lots of sleepless nights and being lost in thoughts of confusion and guilt. For some men, connection or not, this just gets too much for them and they realise that the A is taking more out of them than it is giving back.

Could it be that he wants out, but acknowledges the connection and doesn't want to hurt you and is therefore trying to spin it into a "special friends" thing rather than "lover". Apart from anything else, this is a whole lot easier as an MM to tell your wife of she finds out "she was just a special friend" than the alternative.
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Old 7th November 2017, 2:51 PM   #44
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I saw him tonight... there was lust, longing, a lot of giggles, sighing... and the obvious "I don't want to leave..." Things got steamy - on his end- so I'm guessing he still wants to have sex eventually
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Old 7th November 2017, 2:51 PM   #45
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I saw him tonight... there was lust, longing, a lot of giggles, sighing... and the obvious "I don't want to leave..." Things got steamy - on his end- so I'm guessing he still wants to have sex eventually
Hip hip hooray!!
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