LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

My EA has transitioned to PA plus I've asked for divorce


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Like Tree307Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 7th November 2017, 5:48 AM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 63
I'm having an EA with a MM (I'm married too) how to know he's not lying?

I'll try to keep it short. this man hunted me down (through social media). It all started flirty and we even sexted. but the more we know each other the more it becomes mellow and romantic and less and less "sexy".

We've said a few "i love yous" here and there, we've kissed. He keeps telling me I helped him find "his voice" again, that I'm the closest thing he's had to a best friend in a long time...

If it was only sex, I would have already given it to him (and he knows this), what would he get out telling me all of this?

the connection is genuine, it really is. But what does he actually want?
niteandfog is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 6:50 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Out West
Posts: 1,278
Quote:
Originally Posted by niteandfog View Post
what does he actually want?
Hi (((niteandfog)))

If he's anything like me (MM who had a year-long affair a few years back), he wants fun, sex, romance, fantasy, excitement, escapism and to be made to feel young, sexy, virile, desirable and handsome again.

Does he have genuine feelings for you? Quite possibly, but men are good at compartmentalising. He may well have feelings for you and still be happy in his marriage and love his wife. Also, even though he may have feelings for you, he may well also be spinning you a web of lies to keep you where he wants you. After all, you already know he must be spinning his wife a web of lies. Why not you too?

Will he leave his marriage for you? Almost certainly not. Just read around here. Most MM have an awful lot to lose in giving up their marriage and if they are forced to choose, they will stay put - even if they have feelings for OW.

You are likely a sexy, exciting fantasy escape from the mundane, "normalness" of his everyday life. Having you on the side makes up for the lack of excitement elsewhere in his life - stressful job, house, bills to pay, raising kids, etc. He is having his cake and eating it too. We see it a lot here. I was once an example of this myself.

How long has this been going on? Are you in love with him? Proceed with EXTREME caution here. These things rarely end well. The longer it goes on, the more potential hurt there is.

My advice is to turn around 180 degrees and keep walking in the other direction. You are standing on a very dangerous precipice here. Heartbreak for several people is almost guaranteed if you proceed on the path you are now on. Don't allow yourself to be his side-piece. You deserve a man who can give you 100%...as does his wife. His hunting of you is another red flag - he sounds predatory and manipulative.

Over two years after the end of my affair, we are just about starting to recover now. The aftermath of an affair is devastating to all players. It's not worth it.

Good luck niteandfog and keep posting!

Edit: Sorry, I missed on my first read that you are married too. So where does yourt H fit into this? Do you love him? Does he love you? Would he be devastated to know that you are involved with a married man? Are there kids involved on either side? The more people involved, the bigger the potential train crash. End this affair as soon as you can. No judgement from me as I had an affair too. When I talk of the heartbreak and devastation that comes out of these things, I speak from bitter, painful experience. Affairs can be such fun, such a high, such a rush of hormones...and then the whole world becomes a living nightmare when it hits the fan - and it usually does.

Last edited by jenkins95; 7th November 2017 at 6:56 AM..
jenkins95 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 7:40 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 3,736
He wants sex... Don't fool yourself.

Your question is - "how to know he's not lying?" Darling, if he's married and he's chasing another woman, he's lying... He's lying to his wife, he's lying to you, he's lying... To cheat, is to lie.

Stop this before you get in so deep, you can't get out.
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 7:41 AM   #4
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 25,169
What do you think he wants? He wants a full on PA. Don't be ridiculous or na´ve. There is not guarantee that he hasn't done this before or that he will leave his wife for you.

Since you are already sexting another man, saying I love you & Kissing him, don't you think it's time you saw a divorce lawyer to give your poor spouse from relief from your lies? When you said you would love him forever, forsake all others etc. your actions now make those vows lies.

So either get this other guy completely out of your life while there's some small chance your spouse will forgive you or just get out of your failed marriage. Don't hop into this other guy's bed while your spouse has no idea. Cheating is wrong. Take the more honorable route.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 8:01 AM   #5
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 1,896
Quote:
Originally Posted by niteandfog View Post
the connection is genuine, it really is.
Says every person involved in an extra-marital affair.....
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 8:19 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Out West
Posts: 1,278
Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
Says every person involved in an extra-marital affair.....
It's exactly what me and my xOW said.........and that led to a train crash too. They nearly always do in the end.
jenkins95 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 8:21 AM   #7
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 63
My H is emotionally abusive. So yes, I'll divorce him. I'll tell him right after Christmas. Not only that but we have nothing in common, we never did. I got pregnant and we had to get married it is that simple.

We both have children, we often talk about them. And yes I know EVERYTHING sounds like a cliche.
niteandfog is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 8:29 AM   #8
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 25,169
Keep some distance with your MM until after new years' then. It will help you get a better handle on his intentions. After you official separate from your husband you can do what you need to do to find happiness in your own life.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 8:30 AM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Out West
Posts: 1,278
Quote:
Originally Posted by niteandfog View Post
My H is emotionally abusive. So yes, I'll divorce him. I'll tell him right after Christmas. Not only that but we have nothing in common, we never did. I got pregnant and we had to get married it is that simple.

We both have children, we often talk about them. And yes I know EVERYTHING sounds like a cliche.
I really feel for you if you are in abusive marriage - that's tough and I totally understand you wanting to get out.

The trouble is, if you leave to go straight to the MM, then you may become the bad guy in the eyes of all your family and friends.

Surely far better to end things with the MM while you end the marriage for the right reasons with no external influences.

A year or so down the line, if you are still interested, you could check up on the MM. If he's divorced and still interested, then there's nothing to stop you. But please do things in the right order.
jenkins95 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 8:36 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 3,736
Quote:
Originally Posted by niteandfog View Post
My H is emotionally abusive. So yes, I'll divorce him. I'll tell him right after Christmas. Not only that but we have nothing in common, we never did. I got pregnant and we had to get married it is that simple.

We both have children, we often talk about them. And yes I know EVERYTHING sounds like a cliche.
Never a good plan to go from one relationship to another. It doesn't give you enough time to evaluate and learn about your new partner.... You could, in fact, jump from one hasty relationship to another. You could in time, regret the new relationship just as you have come to regret your marriage.

Divorce your husband. Take some time for yourself. Then, look around for a partner who is going to be a good partner, for you and your child.

The simple truth is; if he is married, he is not available to you.

Last edited by BaileyB; 7th November 2017 at 8:40 AM..
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 9:04 AM   #11
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 63
yes I know. i don't even want to e in a relationship. But my MM has shown me that out there, there are more compatible men than my own H.

And yes it's laughable and cliched... but we both share the same love for music (exactly the same type, we listen to it in the same way and everything). I've always connected with my closest friends through music (not my H, so yes that was a big mistake). Music was/is also a big part of his life (he was in band) and neither of us knew this about each other. and we're both runners, we met through running, and given that i spend 12-13 hr of my week running this is also a big deal to me.

I'm not going to call him my soulmate, because that's beyond cliched and cheesy, but objectively we're very compatible.
niteandfog is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 9:12 AM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 319
Quote:
Originally Posted by niteandfog View Post
I'm not going to call him my soulmate, because that's beyond cliched and cheesy, but objectively we're very compatible.
Anyone who is married to someone else is almost by definition incompatible.
jah526 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 9:18 AM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: North of the 49th
Posts: 138
Well nite, ALL of us on this forum are going to tell you to run the other way. Whether you stay with your H or not. Thing is, you won't. Been there, done that...though I didn't know LS existed when my A started but wouldn't have taken the advice anyway...so not judging you at all. It is SO hard to let go.

Xmm and I shared the same sense of humour, love of sports, music, volunteering, we were equally matched in how we dressed, commanded a room of peers, kids same age, same same same. It doesn't matter! He is still with his W and I am alone. My xH and I were not well matched either but now...looking back...wish I would have done a whole lotta things differently. I'm now on a learning journey.

Take care.
What_Did_I_Do is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 9:26 AM   #14
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 2,391
If his lips are moving...

If his lips are moving...


Then he is lying.
BluesPower is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 9:27 AM   #15
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 63
Is it so wrong thatI want it to believe the connection is true? My marriage is dead anyways. I know I would have cheated before if I'ever had the chance.
niteandfog is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
[I was] Asked for a divorce DevastatedDiva Separation and Divorce 146 22nd May 2016 9:45 AM
I asked for divorce Amillionpieces Infidelity 34 8th February 2016 9:02 AM
He asked me for a divorce EmptyinNV Separation and Divorce 28 30th September 2012 12:40 PM
So I asked for a divorce... now what? guiltofone Separation and Divorce 0 18th July 2011 1:24 PM
Well, It's Official: He's asked for a divorce Callisto484 Separation and Divorce 8 4th May 2011 2:35 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:51 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.