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death in MM's family


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Old 21st September 2014, 8:38 AM   #1
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death in MM's family

My MM's dad died this morning. It was sudden because they had just gone on vacation together last week. He hasn't told me yet but I found out through his son. I don't know what to do because after all, I am the outsider. Do I send a condolence text or call or just wait until he tells me himself or just stay out of it?
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Old 21st September 2014, 8:40 AM   #2
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If it were me, and it was safe to do so, I'd send a text or use whatever channel you use for safe communication to express your condolences.
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Old 21st September 2014, 10:48 AM   #3
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I would send a sympathy card (or at least hand him one when you see him)
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Old 21st September 2014, 10:54 AM   #4
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I'd either wait for him to tell you or stay out if it.

Wasn't your last communication with him a fight? Had you two ever resolved the issue (which was you wanting more and not backing off, right)? I'd stay out of it. This is his grief and if he wants you to know, he will tell you.
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Old 21st September 2014, 11:45 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by Scarlet2 View Post
My MM's dad died this morning. It was sudden because they had just gone on vacation together last week. He hasn't told me yet but I found out through his son. I don't know what to do because after all, I am the outsider. Do I send a condolence text or call or just wait until he tells me himself or just stay out of it?

It is correct when you admit to being the outsider. This means that you may want to be careful with what is said. He has not even told you as of yet and this may cause him to be upset. What was the purpose of his son telling you may I ask? That just seems sort of odd to me.


You seem to want a relationship with someone. Why put all of your effort into a person not even fully available? I am really not trying to be terrible here. I know it is not possible to choose who we love. Just seems that you deserve someone who can give all of himself back. In a happy and healthy way. One in which you get the full attention of a partner instead of being treated only as an aside.
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Old 21st September 2014, 12:46 PM   #6
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My MM's dad died this morning. It was sudden because they had just gone on vacation together last week. He hasn't told me yet but I found out through his son. I don't know what to do because after all, I am the outsider. Do I send a condolence text or call or just wait until he tells me himself or just stay out of it?
Did his son call and tell you?

Wait until MM tells you about this. He probably now is dealing with funeral arrangements etc, and involved in family stuff. Stay out of it, meaning, don't go to the funeral, it'll be awkward and inappropriate.
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Old 21st September 2014, 1:34 PM   #7
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I think if he hasnt reached out to you then it's a private matter and he is not seeking a shoulder from you. He is leaning on family and needs space to grieve, the loss of a parent can cause you to take stock in your life and look at big picture.
I would stay out. If he needed you he will call.
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Old 21st September 2014, 3:15 PM   #8
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I'd either wait for him to tell you or stay out if it.

Wasn't your last communication with him a fight? Had you two ever resolved the issue (which was you wanting more and not backing off, right)? I'd stay out of it. This is his grief and if he wants you to know, he will tell you.
The issue was resolved. We even talked on the phone a few days ago and it was like it used to be, two friends talking. It was nice.
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Old 21st September 2014, 3:32 PM   #9
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It is correct when you admit to being the outsider. This means that you may want to be careful with what is said. He has not even told you as of yet and this may cause him to be upset. What was the purpose of his son telling you may I ask? That just seems sort of odd to me.


You seem to want a relationship with someone. Why put all of your effort into a person not even fully available? I am really not trying to be terrible here. I know it is not possible to choose who we love. Just seems that you deserve someone who can give all of himself back. In a happy and healthy way. One in which you get the full attention of a partner instead of being treated only as an aside.
I'm aware there are plenty of men out there that I haven't even met yet, but the ones that I have met so far are not ones I would want a relationship with. I don't know why I want his crumbs. It's not that I'm lonely or that I can't be alone because if that were the case, I would settle for any guy that shows interest to have the full time relationship but they'd just be a placeholder or a Mr. Right Now, and I can't do that to them or to myself. But maybe I'm contradicting myself because maybe the crumbs are a placeholder...
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Old 21st September 2014, 4:03 PM   #10
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Did his son call and tell you?

Wait until MM tells you about this. He probably now is dealing with funeral arrangements etc, and involved in family stuff. Stay out of it, meaning, don't go to the funeral, it'll be awkward and inappropriate.
That's a whole other story. Short version: his son friend requested me on facebook a few months ago, he reports to his dad what I post which is why he gets snippy sometimes because he sees me living my life without him. His son told me otherwise I wouldn't have known right away.

I don't take it personal that he didn't reach out to me. Based on his history of not telling me what's going on, this is normal. He doesn't want to be a burden and he knows I can't do anything so he keeps me out of it. I'm sure he didn't call every person that he goes to church with either. I'm not family. I'm his other life. I just wasn't sure how to express my concern without overstepping my boundary.
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Old 21st September 2014, 4:04 PM   #11
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The issue was resolved. We even talked on the phone a few days ago and it was like it used to be, two friends talking. It was nice.
If that's the dynamic you have, I think a condolence text is appropriate.
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Old 21st September 2014, 4:09 PM   #12
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I think if he hasnt reached out to you then it's a private matter and he is not seeking a shoulder from you. He is leaning on family and needs space to grieve, the loss of a parent can cause you to take stock in your life and look at big picture.
I would stay out. If he needed you he will call.
I have been thinking about this especially when for a while now he has said he feels like we've been getting blocked every time he tries to see me and now the death of his father might be what changes his life. As in, staying away from me and sin, focusing back on his wife and family. Which is fine, at least he will be finally making a decision and will be at peace and not a candle burning at both ends.
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Old 21st September 2014, 4:31 PM   #13
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I have been thinking about this especially when for a while now he has said he feels like we've been getting blocked every time he tries to see me and now the death of his father might be what changes his life. As in, staying away from me and sin, focusing back on his wife and family. Which is fine, at least he will be finally making a decision and will be at peace and not a candle burning at both ends.
On the other side, it could make him think about life being short, living a happy, fulfilled life, fearing living a life of regret, etc etc.

Don't second guess what it could all mean, you may be surprised.

When I was in my affair, I thought a particular life event that was coming would mark the end of us, make him want to invest back in with his wife, try to make it work for the kids and so on. When the event occurred, I stepped back and already went through the grieving process of a relationship ending and thought the longer-than-usual break in communication was a sign of the coming break/NC... But he stunned me by saying he couldn't call because he was busy and surrounded by family, he was waiting for me to contact him and he thought I was having the revelation I thought he was having, and the event made him realize that he wanted out with his wife and was invested in our relationship.

You just never know.
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Old 21st September 2014, 5:32 PM   #14
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I have been thinking about this especially when for a while now he has said he feels like we've been getting blocked every time he tries to see me and now the death of his father might be what changes his life. As in, staying away from me and sin, focusing back on his wife and family. Which is fine, at least he will be finally making a decision and will be at peace and not a candle burning at both ends.

I just don't see why you need to wait for him. Why not make a decision on your end before he even does on that one? He should be focusing on his wife and family. Unless, he is no longer in that house. You need to focus on your own happiness. Cannot have a chance of moving forward until you actually step aside. Perhaps, it is events like these which prove to be colossal crossroads. Candles are meant to be burned out.
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Old 21st September 2014, 5:34 PM   #15
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Whatever happens, I just want him to be happy, regardless if I'm apart of his life or not.
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