[c0nfuzd]

I finally talked to OM and told him off; he said "are you threatening me?" when I told him I would take it to his boss and wife; I simply replied "no I am telling you"...

he kept saying that he has walked away from her but my keylogger shows something different happening as late as this morning...he is still pursuing her; he is still enabling this relationship; let's see what transpires once I am out of the picture

and W keeps lying to me that she's over him; she don't say ILU no more, now she says IMU....whatever

it will take a miracle for me not to leave tonight; my stuff is still packed up and I am ready to go

I have had it with all the lies...I just can't keep on going like this; she needs to make a serious and concerted effort to prove to me that she is done with him and short of quitting her job and allowing me back in our bedroom, I can't see how she coud convince me not to go

at least I've scared the shyt out of OM....

[stillafool]

You can bet he is shook up alright. He has probably called his wife to see if she knows anything. Be sure that your wife will talk to you about this because he has run to her like the pus-- he is. When she contacts you about this tell her you know she is still talking to him and you will tell his wife and then she can see for herself where this affair is going. Straight to the garbage. He is okay messing up your life but damn if he will let her mess up his home. She will be angry with you for a while; but if she has any sense at all this will tell her what she needs to know about MM.

[RobD70]

Originally Posted by c0nfuzd

I am afraid to lose the kids and her

You’ve already lost her and you can’t let yourself be motivated by fear. The only person that should be fearing anything is your W fearing she will lose YOU. She cheated and the consequences for that is usually divorce.

I still think she is a good woman inside but she is messed up in her values atm....isn't it possible for her to wake up and realize her mistakes fully one day? maybe I am also living in a bubble

It is possible BUT it won’t happen while you are around. When she “wakes up” it will be after you are gone. It’s not going to happen with the status quo or with you working on the M. Don’t deal with how she used to be, deal with who she is today.

You are in a self-imposed limbo because you are waiting for her to make a decision which she already has but hasn’t flat out told you (she wants to be with the OM). You are giving her all the control. What you did in the past has no bearing on her affair now so get over the self-blame.

As much as it pains you, you have to put your foot down and “man up” for yourself. Throw the transcripts of her convos with the OM at her face and tell her you are sick of her lying and you want out of the marriage. She will freak the hell out and at the same time respect you for FINALLY standing up for yourself. You need to get angry because she is disrespecting you as a man by cheating and lying to your face. Nobody deserves that and nobody she be married to someone they can’t trust and you know you can’t trust her.

The thing is, the more YOU push for a divorce, the more likely she will try to stop you and make amends. Right now she has no motivation to do anything for you because she doesn’t expect you to do anything about it. She’ll “wake up” when she see what she is losing, not a minute before.

The only way you can help end the A asap is to get ahold of the OMW (she’ll try to kill it on her end) and basically kick your W to the curb so she gets a taste of the reality of living without you. Reality kills more affairs than anything else.

[Chi townD]

Once your wife finds out you contacted the OM, she's probably going to go high and to the right. Be careful!

[turnera]

So...instead of finding and telling his wife - who NEEDS to know her husband is cheating on her, you just told him that YOU know. And instaed of telling your WIFE that you know she's still lying, you took the easy way out and told HIM that you know.

And that did...what, exactly? HE already KNOWS you know. The only two people who could have made a difference - your wife and his wife - you're too scared to confront.

[Chi townD]

To piggyback on what Ternera said. By tell the OM that you know, all you did was buy him time. Time enough for him to get a story that is viable and believable for this guy to sell to his wife if some "crazy and jealous husband calls her up!"

Look, I get it if you don't want to tell the OMW because maybe you would feel responsible for causing her the same kind of pain your feeling right now. But, isn't it hurting her just as much by withholding the truth from her?

[c0nfuzd]

oh W knows that I know she is lying; but unless I show her my evidence...again, she won't change her tune
so I am taking off 2night for about 2 months and will continue to monitor her; will know very quickly how serious she is about killing her A
the fact that she can still lie to my face to this day just speaks volumes of the type of person she is...and I am afraid I can't reconcile with her but I never know how I will feel 2 months from now; once reality settles in, we shall see what she does; if the OM keeps in touch, his W will find out about A; I have all my cards still in hand...no need to show them all at once lol

[c0nfuzd]

Originally Posted by Chi townD

To piggyback on what Ternera said. By tell the OM that you know, all you did was buy him time. Time enough for him to get a story that is viable and believable for this guy to sell to his wife if some "crazy and jealous husband calls her up!"

Look, I get it if you don't want to tell the OMW because maybe you would feel responsible for causing her the same kind of pain your feeling right now. But, isn't it hurting her just as much by withholding the truth from her?

I have pics of them naked in bed....good luck to the OM to bs his way around this....and I still can't get in touch with her; when I do, it will be a very diff story

[turnera]

If you're done with her, you have no reason to keep monitoring her. so why not just tell her what you have and be done with it?

[c0nfuzd]

Originally Posted by turnera

If you're done with her, you have no reason to keep monitoring her. so why not just tell her what you have and be done with it?

I'm not completely done with her; in 2 months if she has no interest in making it work, then I am done; in those 2 months, I need to keep a check on her to see if she is really done with OM; I can't trust her word now and won't be able to trust it in 2 months either

[c0nfuzd]

well well.....she called me up and we talked and her main concern is that I will kill her career and her reputation if I spill out the beans to OWM or OM's boss; she feels that I am out to destroy her

so much so, that she is willing to let me come up and sleep in our bed next to her.....but I can't touch her

me thinks this is bullshyt....something reeks here and it's not my armpits lol

she added that her boss came into her office and made it clear that they are done....she can now see how she was used and that he has no feelings for her

I think I am still leaving....I don't trust her still

[2long]

Originally Posted by c0nfuzd

well well.....she called me up and we talked and her main concern is that I will kill her career and her reputation if I spill out the beans to OWM or OM's boss; she feels that I am out to destroy her

so much so, that she is willing to let me come up and sleep in our bed next to her.....but I can't touch her

me thinks this is bullshyt....something reeks here and it's not my armpits lol

she added that her boss came into her office and made it clear that they are done....she can now see how she was used and that he has no feelings for her

I think I am still leaving....I don't trust her still

I'm sure I've heard of a dormat BS doing s2pider things than this before... ...but I can't remember when, for the life of me!

STOP!!!

STop asking your foggy WW for permission 2 do ANYTHING. TELL HER what you will do and DO IT!

1: DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME. If you need 2 be apart, by all means encourage her 2 leave. If you need 2 file for divorce, by all means file. Get a really mean lawyer who's a strong advocate of men's rights to represent you. She's the breadwinner? Stay in your home, get primary custody and make HER pay YOU child support.

2: MOVE BACK IN2 YOUR BEDROOM: If she doesn't want you sleeping with her, let her move in2 the basement or the garden shed with the lawnmower or something. DO NOT ASK HER anything. TELL HER WHAT YOU INTEND 2 DO AND DO THAT. Let her decide how 2 react or respond.

3: "Privacy" means she gets 2 close the bathroom door while carving a twister. She wants 2 keep being secretive by calling secrecy "privacy." It ain't.

4: You should NOT have contacted the OM. Whether you recover your marriage or not, you want him OUT of your life. You just invited him farther in by starting a dialog with him. You should NOT have "threatened" him with exposure 2 his W or his Boss. Exposure is NOT a vindictive act, it's a simple telling of the truth. You don't cause harm by exposure, you prevent further harm by the affairees 2 their families. You JUST EXPOSE, you don't bargain with liars. Do it now. If you can't find the OMW yourself, hire a PI 2 find her and tell her. Give her copies of your evidence.

5: DO NOT show your evidence 2 the affairees. THEY KNOW they're having an affair, so what is "proving it" 2 them going 2 accomplish. All you'll do is show them you're snooping, which they'll react 2 by going further underground. New email accounts, secret cell phones, are all very easy things to get.

6: People who are used 2 lying 2 get what they want are slow 2 come around, and they won't be persuaded. You need 2 make a stand for YOU and YOUR KIDS and forget about trying 2 convince her 2 change her ways. She's got 2 make that choice herself.

Finally, and most importantly: NOBODY who doesn't want 2 be with you is worth fighting for! IF she wants 2 be with you, she can't be with him. And she will have 2 go 2 extraordinary lengths 2 prove 2 you that you and your kids are what she wants. She will have 2 convince you that she's pinched the OM off for keeps, and she's going 2 have 2 spend the next few YEARS proving 2 you that she's worthy of any trust going forward.

THAT is a tall order. I don't have much confidence that this very typical WW has what it takes 2 do whatever it will take 2 convince you that she's worth staying married 2.

-ol' 2long

[Steadfast]

Originally Posted by c0nfuzd

I'm not completely done with her; in 2 months if she has no interest in making it work, then I am done; in those 2 months, I need to keep a check on her to see if she is really done with OM; I can't trust her word now and won't be able to trust it in 2 months either

But what if it takes three months? Or six? You are trusting your instincts. Stop trusting them. They will betray you.

One last time, very slowly. Let..her..go. Leave her alone. Don't try, don't monitor. She will stop cheating and lying when she decides it's in her best interests. The point is, you can't control it and the more you try to influence her, the longer she'll take to reach her own resolution. That is what you're waiting for isn't it? Her to make some sort of firm decision?

That's a fools game.

Make your own. If her plans mix with yours at some point in the future, then you can decide if it is something you want to do. Until she says, "I'm sorry, I love you and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to save our relationship" then you have nothing but obligation, convenience and fear. As for you and your own personal timetable, you need to set one.

Hear this: the best chance of saving your relationship is allowing her the freedom to choose it on her own. That, along with what you decide will determine if you eventually reunite and stay together. Anything you do to influence her will slow down or destroy the natural process.

[turnera]

Please listen to 2long and follow his advice. It is the ONLY way you will come out of this with any shred of dignity, no matter which way your marriage goes.

[c0nfuzd]

it's done....I have moved out; I could not tolerate her lying anymore; I had to take a stand and residing in that house knowing what I know was slow torture; now she has the room to breathe (which she was yearning for) and she can decide what she wants; the kids were a mess last night seeing me leave;....I still want the M but things have to change; I've done my changes and I need to see hers if I am to stay in it.........otherwise, that's it......after I left, she texted me that she was sorry and I said that I guess this is the end of us to which she replied "not necessarily"...time will tell I guess.....we will talk again in 2 weeks, until then we will stay quiet and just talk about the kids
monitoring her is necessary for me at this point because I feel that she will deceive me into staying in the M because I am a convenience to her; if I see that the A is still going and she wants to reconcile, then I know that I am still being played....I need to be certain that she is in this M 100% and for now the keylogger is the only proof I can trust; I do believe I could trust her again someday but for now I can't....