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should I win her back?


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Old 19th January 2012, 7:02 PM   #1
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Red face should I win her back?

for those that want the history of my situation read here

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t297412/
(it's a long read, and not sure it matters at this point)

to sum it up, married 10 years with 2 kids; 8 months ago she said she no longer loves me and since then I been in the doghouse for emotionally abusing her while being a drug addict (weed, mushrooms, LSD)

I've cleaned up my act in the process and really thought I had a chance at winning her back (no more drugs, no more emotional abuse , a good father to the children, and do everything the W asks)

about a week ago I find out that she is having an A with her boss; I find emails where she is pouring her heart out about her love for him and their future together; she goes as far as saying that if she got pregnant with his baby, she's not sure what the last name would be on the birth certificate but would hope it's his (unfrickinbelievable)....to top it all off, I find pics of the 2 of them naked

until I showed her the pics and emails, she consistently lied that there was nothing between the 2 of them, that "it's not like that"....

now I should mention that she is a shell of her old self; I can honestly say I don't recognize this woman anymore; I understand fully why this happened; the boss/Casanova was always there when she couldn't take it anymore with me at home; he was her crying shoulder and of course one thing lead to another; she always said they were good friends from many years ago; but I always told her it's not normal to have a friendship with her boss....that it's professionally a conflict of interest; so all these years I had my doubts and culminated with my discovery a week ago; their relationship has been/was going on for at least 1 year (as far as I can see from her emails)....she swears up and down that it's over between them but can I really believe her?

I don't believe her because of the many lies she told me to my face up until I showed her the pics/emails; her excuse as to why she wouldn't admit it is that she was embarassed; she says she doesn't know what she wants for our future but other times she says she wants to make it work for the sake of the kids

I read the book Surviving an Affair which clearly outlines how to sever her A; when I told her about it she seemed to want to comply initially but then realized that I was invading her privacy and that it was too much...and above all that I needed to trust her LMFAO...

at this point I feel like I am not making any progress; do I give her an ultimatum or do I wait a little bit longer?

as an example, she always says she doesn't spend enough time with the kids, yet tonight she is at a hockey game and her boss is one of the many company peeps attending; I tried to tell her that she needs to stay away from him everywhere she goes; she said she would come home if that is what I wanted her to do; she doesn't understand what is wrong with all this; she seems to make no effort and feels no remorse for what she has done; I however, have spent the last 8 months showing her how remorseful I am; I've asked her to quit her job so that she no longer works under him but she won't do it because she recently got promoted and wants time in that position for experience purposes; it's like she doesn't care about fixing us and her career is more important (she is the bread winner btw)

should I just walk away? I live in a no-fault state so adultery won't make a dent in the assets splitting or custody; I love my kids more than her at this point lol and if we do separate, I won't be seeing them anymore as I would have to move to the big city and no longer have a car; this is what tears me apart....at the same time, I feel that she is using me to take care of them while she continues her lifestyle unimpeded
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Last edited by c0nfuzd; 19th January 2012 at 7:10 PM..
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Old 19th January 2012, 9:57 PM   #2
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I told her from the beginning and many times after that if she's in love with another man, to let me know so I can move on

so when I confronted her with the evidence and asked her why she didn't tell me about OM, she said it was because of the kids....she wants me around for them (and cleaning the house, paying the mortgage and utilities and doing everything she says I'm sure she doesn't mind either)

I feel so betrayed at this point and I still feel like she is lying to me....just waiting for my keylogger to work its magic

I told her if I catch her one more time, we are done

the question is why am I trying to work this out? my therapist thinks it's because I like the stability of the life we have and I am afraid to be on my own for the first time in 15 years....possible; I think a lot of it has to do with the kids....I wanna be around and if I leave, I most definitey won't be seeing them as much (once a week if I am lucky)...but more importantly, I still love this woman despite what she has done to me....part of me still believes that we can fix it all, but I know that I am being naive

one change I will be implementing right away is to be around her and the kids on the weekend; normally she doesn't want me around as she claims it's her time with them....whatever; I know that several times she has dropped off the kids at her mom's so that she can spend the day with OM...she's been so deceptive it's gonna take a lot to make me trust her again

Last edited by c0nfuzd; 19th January 2012 at 10:00 PM..
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Old 19th January 2012, 10:48 PM   #3
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Your wife is right now at a hockey game where the OM is?
How naive are you going to be?
She is with him right now and sending you a smoke screen that she will come home if you want...she shouldn't have went in the first place.
You're being played.
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Old 19th January 2012, 10:50 PM   #4
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There's no point in you working on reconciliation while the affair is still going on. She isn't being honest with you. I think you're right in your assessment that she's comfortable having you around to take care of the kids and you're comfortable where you're at as well. Change is hard but in your case you need to take a good hard look at things and decide what's best for your and your kids.
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Old 19th January 2012, 10:57 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by c0nfuzd View Post

about a week ago I find out that she is having an A with her boss; I find emails where she is pouring her heart out about her love for him and their future together; she goes as far as saying that if she got pregnant with his baby, she's not sure what the last name would be on the birth certificate but would hope it's his (unfrickinbelievable)....to top it all off, I find pics of the 2 of them naked

How old were the emails?

at this point I feel like I am not making any progress; do I give her an ultimatum or do I wait a little bit longer?

What are you waiting for? I am not being sarcastic; I just don't see what are you thinking will be different. She is not remorseful, has lied to you for who knows how long, talked with OM about having a child with him, shared naked pics, still works with OM and on and on. I don't see any choice with what you are faced with. Maybe someone else will see this differently, but I would see what you could do to be able to see your kids as much as you can, but she seems to have already left your marriage behind, for whatever reasons.
I don't think you can trust someone who is not concerned whether you trust her or not. I know it is hard to think about leaving, but what kind of life can you have when she is still not being honest with you?
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Old 20th January 2012, 12:32 AM   #6
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Hi c0nfuzd,

It has been a while since I visited LS. When I saw your name in “New Posts”, I knew I have to read your postings. I remember your story well. I recall that you have changed and worked really hard to win back your wife and marriage. If I recall you were no angel yourself when you were taking substances before that positive transformation in your life.

The first thing you need to decide is whether you are willing to fight for your wife and marriage or just leave the marriage and move on. Actually, if you look at it (I know this may sound silly) but this incident could well be a blessing in disguise! Remember, when you were doing all the good things (by the way, please continue doing it as it is for your own self improvement and no else), you were in an unequal bargaining position with your wife in spite of your efforts. In other words, your wife had an upper hand as she saw you as the person who caused the break up and you were now paying for it and had no say in the marriage. Now that she has created a bigger mess for herself, you are now in a higher bargaining position or at least equal with her. You can actually use her A to your advantage in making the marriage work if you so wish. Don’t let her put the guilt on you about invasion of her privacy. I believe there are a number of threads which talked about this and some of them have some good response that you can use on her.

Your common interest with your wife is the love for your children. Use that as a catalyst to work on your marriage. Remember, the children should not be victims here no matter what your decision is. When the time is right, perhaps in the MC, you can lay it out to your wife that you have done some wrong in the past. You have realized your mistakes and you have worked hard to improve yourself for yourself and for the family. I think she will agree with you if what you have been posting is true. You can say that if you are willing to do it, so can she but ultimately she has to decide whether she wants the marriage or otherwise and the same goes to you. I wish you luck.
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Old 20th January 2012, 12:42 AM   #7
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Another thing which I want to add is that normally when a spouse cheated (EA & PA), I tend to support separation and eventually a divorce if the spouse does not show remorse. However, in your case, you need to consider what drove your wife to act the way she did? Was it your past behavior? Those are the things which I will take into account when making a decision.
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Old 20th January 2012, 4:00 AM   #8
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When you're on the outside looking in, (as we are), it's crystal clear what's going on:

1. Your WW is unremorseful
2. She's done nothing to repair the damage she's inflicted to you and your M
3. She refuses transparency
4. She refused to end all contact with OM, (quit her job)
5. SHE'S AT A HOCKEY GAME WITH THE OM, but you should just trust her that nothing's going on.

Ray Charles can see her A continues. I really hope you are not so blind to see what's happening here.

Hate to be so blunt, but come on dude, get your head out of your A##.
You may think you've worked your butt off to save your M, but in reality you've done little, if nothing.

You've set no boundries, you've made no demands, what have you done?

I'm sorry to take such a tough approach, but I get so pissed off when a good guy, (you), allows a wh#re to walk all over him, just for the sack of attempting to save your M. There comes a time when you need to stand up for yourself and say I'm not taking this sh#t anymore.
You mad yet? You should be.
You've tried the "love her back into the M". As Dr. Phil says, how's that workin for you?

You know why her A continues, because she hasn't been smacked back to reality. There are two time tested things that help do that:
1. Inform and AP's spouse what's going on
2. Retain an Attorney, and file D papers.

Is your WW's boss M'd. How about cluing the other BS in on what's going on. I'll bet the farm that when his W puts the smackdown on him, he'll throw your WW under the bus so fast she won't have time to blink.
No more OM, no more fairytale love affair, then you add a nice set of fresh D papers on top of it. BAMMM. Instant reality crash.

This is your hailmary pass to the endzone. If that doesn't work, then follow through with D.

You deserve better.
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Old 20th January 2012, 4:03 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SimonMas View Post
Another thing which I want to add is that normally when a spouse cheated (EA & PA), I tend to support separation and eventually a divorce if the spouse does not show remorse. However, in your case, you need to consider what drove your wife to act the way she did? Was it your past behavior? Those are the things which I will take into account when making a decision.
Ohh no my friend, IMO you're dead wrong.

No one "drove her" into the A. It was her CHOICE. She CHOSE to engage in this behavior. NOTHING her H did justifies what she did.
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Old 20th January 2012, 5:25 AM   #10
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thanks all for the replies....

well, if it couldn't get any worse....it just did; she's asked me to leave the house for 2 months to see if she "misses" me.......the final insult; then, after 2 months I am not sure I understand what would happen if she still doesn't "miss" me

this is what I get for exposing her A, and for asking her to put an end to it

8 months of sleeping in the basement, giving her all the space she needed was not enough for her to decide if she misses me; and I can see why, she was engaging in an A the entire time

so I don't know what to do......I can't just move into an apartment for 2 months; it's usually a year lease
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Old 20th January 2012, 8:55 AM   #11
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Is the house deeds / contract in both names??

If so you will be very foolish to move out, she made this mess if she wants space then she must be the one who goes!!
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Old 20th January 2012, 8:58 AM   #12
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How can you win her back when you know she is in love with another man. She has said this. Leave her alone and stop asking her back.
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Old 20th January 2012, 8:59 AM   #13
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thanks all for the replies....

well, if it couldn't get any worse....it just did; she's asked me to leave the house for 2 months to see if she "misses" me.......the final insult; then, after 2 months I am not sure I understand what would happen if she still doesn't "miss" me
She is doing this because she wants to continue the A, she wants you out of the picture to be with him. This 2 months thing is to give you the impression she is thinking about saving the M but its a lie like everything else she has told you.

This also means she most likely talked with the OM that night.

Quote:
this is what I get for exposing her A, and for asking her to put an end to it
No, this would have happened anyway.

Quote:
8 months of sleeping in the basement, giving her all the space she needed was not enough for her to decide if she misses me; and I can see why, she was engaging in an A the entire time
Correct, you were actually enabling her to have the A by being her backup plan in case it didn't work out with the OM. She can't miss you if you are still in the same house.

Quote:
so I don't know what to do......I can't just move into an apartment for 2 months; it's usually a year lease
You need to step up and stop letting her control everything. From her point of you, you've been acting weak and pathetic by allowing her to cheat on you with NO consequences. People don't walk on you unless you let them.

You need to take control of your life back. The facts are this: She has NO interests in saving your marriage, she wants the OM and there's NOTHING you can do to change her mind.

You need to work with the assumption that its over and you are getting a divorce and move with that ASAP. Screw 2 months, get an apartment with a 6-12 month lease because you ain't going back (or better yet, kick her out). File for a divorce and let her know its over and you have no intentions of saving the marriage anymore.

Then you'll be acting like a man with self-respect and she will start to change her tune.

She will not give up the OM and want you again until she thinks you stop caring for her and give up on her. You have to reject her and she has to come back on her hands and knees begging for you to give her another chance. That's the ONLY way a R will ever work.

Stop letting her toy with you, YOU make the decisions now, not her. You've been letting her play you all this time and it has to stop TODAY!
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Old 20th January 2012, 9:27 AM   #14
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thanks all for the replies....

well, if it couldn't get any worse....it just did; she's asked me to leave the house for 2 months to see if she "misses" me.......the final insult; then, after 2 months I am not sure I understand what would happen if she still doesn't "miss" me

this is what I get for exposing her A, and for asking her to put an end to it

8 months of sleeping in the basement, giving her all the space she needed was not enough for her to decide if she misses me; and I can see why, she was engaging in an A the entire time

so I don't know what to do......I can't just move into an apartment for 2 months; it's usually a year lease
I'm so sorry for what happened to you. All I can say is that she has brought this on herself. Don't let her attempt to make you feel guilty.

And why the f*ck are YOU sleeping in the basement while she's sleeping in that nice warm bed? That's just wrong to not give her any consequence for the enormous amount of permanent damage she has done to your marriage. You put her so high on the pedestal, when she has done absolutely nothing to deserve such treatment. You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and recognize there's light at the end of the tunnel, but you won't get there unless you start moving your feet.

She has some balls to ask you to move out. I hope you know the real reason why she wants you gone? If she wants her new boy toy then pack her sh*t for her and tell her to move her ass out.

You're just asking for more pain if you don't divorce her.
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Old 20th January 2012, 9:41 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by c0nfuzd View Post
thanks all for the replies....

well, if it couldn't get any worse....it just did; she's asked me to leave the house for 2 months to see if she "misses" me.......the final insult; then, after 2 months I am not sure I understand what would happen if she still doesn't "miss" me

this is what I get for exposing her A, and for asking her to put an end to it

8 months of sleeping in the basement, giving her all the space she needed was not enough for her to decide if she misses me; and I can see why, she was engaging in an A the entire time

so I don't know what to do......I can't just move into an apartment for 2 months; it's usually a year lease
1. Make it clear tht u will take what u r entitled to in marital assests wen it comes to D. (The kids will need a roof over their heads wen they stay w u too!)

2. Tell yr W tht if she is not willing to quit her job (grantd w time to look for another b.4 giving notice) tht YOU are deciding to move out for a 6 mth minimum / extending to possible permanent time frame.

3. If boss is in a committed r.ship elsewhere insist tht YOU inform boss' BS. (U cant trust either of them to do this - in fact opposite)

3. Get a cheap place w a 6 mth lease if needed. Preferrably though given she is the one having the A, get yr W to move out, instead of you. Remember, this is the woman who was going to let u relinquish all maritsl assets knowing full well she betrayed the M w a third party, not you...

4. Assess whether or not to bother getting M.C on yr W's responses to these actions.

PS To the guy who called the W a 'wh*re', take yr misogynist crap elsewhere. OP's neglect, drug abuse & emotional abuse might not excuse his W's error but she is only human...
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Last edited by LilMissMovinOn; 20th January 2012 at 9:50 AM..
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