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Why do I feel like a cad and am I one?


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

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Old 3rd January 2018, 3:24 AM   #91
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As long as OP would be happy for his sister, daughter, niece, mother being in the same position with a guy whom the OP knew where she was equally inexperienced, she had fallen for him and he knew the guy was very experienced and had no intention of dating her then there's not a lot more to be said here.

I'm not really quite sure why the OP asked the question though based upon that.

The OP knows he isn't bf material, so do the majority of the women he sees, no doubt most of the women he knows are aware of that too.

All is fair in love and war.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 3:59 AM   #92
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Originally Posted by LoverOfDance View Post
You are going to date this girl eventually. I'm 90% sure of it. She will stick around until you finally cave. When you start dating her, please let us know so I can say I called it, lol.

I will never understand women like her though. A situation like this would absolutely destroy my self esteem. But she will stay until you finally open your eyes and see that she is amazing and probably even too good for you. it's all a matter of time.
Haha! I totally agree! The OP will be singing that song: And I can't fight this feeling anymoooore. I've forgotten what I started fighting foooor. lol

Sounds like she's one of those women that will just hang around and hang around until one day an oops pregnancy happens and the guy decides to propose (for the sake of the child of course) and next thing he knows he's happily married with 3 kids and a house in the burbs. lmao.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 6:49 AM   #93
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What the hell are you doing promoting or accepting any level of intimacy to the point you're sleeping in the same bed? If you weren't in the same bed, there would be no opportunity for sex, now would there? She was tossing and turning, turmoiled that you weren't having sex with her or cuddling, and she was hurt...she was hurt and confused. I have had this same pain because a boyfriend or husband has gone cold on me. I know exactly why she's having a hard time sleeping. She probably also silently wept or tried to hold back tears.

There is no consistency...it's confusing, and she cares so much, wants more, and then this act of going to bed together and rolling over and ignoring her hurts.

Yes, she is an adult and needs to walk away from this, but she has deep feelings for you, and these "dates" and acts of intimacy hurt and confuse her. Do you cuddle and flirt? like these other people who are "just friends" do? "Just friends" don't do that. Knowing her feelings for you, the solution would be to part ways to your own homes. Don't go home and sleep in the same bed. In a scenario where someone *has* to spend the night, put them up in a spare bed or on the sofa.

Draw a clear line on what friends do. You do not cuddle. You do not flirt or hold hands. You do not kiss or have sex. You do not look lovingly in her direction at dinner. You need a clear divide with her. I would say, no more one-on-ones, at least for awhile, and I don't care how bad you want a BJ...you state you are able to get it whenever by a lot of women, so go after them...the ones who aren't emotionally attached to you.

I'm just picturing some serious mixed signals here, which is why this young lady is having an even more difficult time with this and not seeing the forest for the trees.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 9:34 AM   #94
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Haha! I totally agree! The OP will be singing that song: And I can't fight this feeling anymoooore. I've forgotten what I started fighting foooor. lol

Sounds like she's one of those women that will just hang around and hang around until one day an oops pregnancy happens and the guy decides to propose (for the sake of the child of course) and next thing he knows he's happily married with 3 kids and a house in the burbs. lmao.
Nah, I've been married twice before and I know I'm not cut out for that ****. I've learned my lesson
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Old 3rd January 2018, 9:41 AM   #95
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Nah, I've been married twice before and I know I'm not cut out for that ****. I've learned my lesson
I was praying that you had youthful indiscretion on your side. This is terrible.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 9:45 AM   #96
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I was praying that you had youthful indiscretion on your side. This is terrible.
Youthful indiscretion is what got me married
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Old 3rd January 2018, 3:53 PM   #97
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Definitely not a trivial post. Thanks for sharing this. I'd say you got yourself into quite a quandary. The truth is you are leading her on. In your mind, you are free to see other girls. It appears to be different in her's. The more you lead her on, the harder it will be on her...and on you too. You really owe it to her and to yourself to have that hard talk with her so that everything is up front. If she accepts the fact that your feelings for her are not as strong as hers are for you, then that's great. If her perception is different, then at least you let her know what reality actually is. Then, from there, she can decide whether to move on or not. A word of caution...having a physical relationship with someone who you don't plan to spend the rest of your life with carries with it tremendous risk. You might want to rethink that aspect in this relationship. Have a happy New Year.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 3:55 PM   #98
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Things are clearly getting complicated now. Just stop seeing her. You know she wants more. You donít want to give it to her.

You are a cad for asking this other girl over right in front of the girl you were also seeing. Not cool
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Old 3rd January 2018, 4:16 PM   #99
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I agree that you should stop sleeping with her. She is clearly more invested than you are, and sleeping with her will only encourage her to believe that there is more to your relationship with her than you are willing to give.

I think you need to have a very frank discussion with her. Are you sure that she is not someone you'd like to have as a girlfriend? If so, then you should tell her that in no uncertain terms. Then you should make sure that your actions reinforce your words. Don't hang out with her alone for now. Don't go on anything that could be considered a date, and definitely don't have any intimate contact with her. If you want to hang out with her as a friend, do so in a group. In a little while, once she processes her feelings, you might be able to see her one on one in a friend context again.

Be fair to her and let her find someone who could fulfill her needs: be air to yourself and don't waste time with someone you don't see as a potential girlfriend.

You're not a cad. These situations are difficult, and we've all been there. Just clarify your feelings to yourself and to her, and make sure you don't lead her to believe she can expect more than is realistic.

Good luck!
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Old 3rd January 2018, 7:56 PM   #100
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Originally Posted by Iseult View Post
Nah, I've been married twice before and I know I'm not cut out for that ****. I've learned my lesson
Perhaps the better question is what does this woman see in you? Why is she interested in a twice divorced man who doesn't even have the decency not to flaunt the fact that he's having sex with other women in front of her?

This woman needs to wise up!
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Old 3rd January 2018, 8:08 PM   #101
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Perhaps the better question is what does this woman see in you? Why is she interested in a twice divorced man who doesn't even have the decency not to flaunt the fact that he's having sex with other women in front of her?

This woman needs to wise up!
My bet is low self esteem on her part.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 8:39 PM   #102
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Definitely not a trivial post. Thanks for sharing this. I'd say you got yourself into quite a quandary. The truth is you are leading her on. In your mind, you are free to see other girls. It appears to be different in her's. The more you lead her on, the harder it will be on her...and on you too. You really owe it to her and to yourself to have that hard talk with her so that everything is up front. If she accepts the fact that your feelings for her are not as strong as hers are for you, then that's great. If her perception is different, then at least you let her know what reality actually is. Then, from there, she can decide whether to move on or not. A word of caution...having a physical relationship with someone who you don't plan to spend the rest of your life with carries with it tremendous risk. You might want to rethink that aspect in this relationship. Have a happy New Year.
First of all, I am not leading her on. Of course I am free to see other girls and she knows that I do. Her friend is one of my sex partners.
Second of all, I do not define relationships. I'm not that presumptuous. If she wants clarity, she is free to ask.
Third of all,
Quote:
having a physical relationship with someone who you don't plan to spend the rest of your life with carries with it tremendous risk.
Are you Victorian?
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Old 3rd January 2018, 8:40 PM   #103
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Originally Posted by purrrfectlyflawed View Post
You are a cad for asking this other girl over right in front of the girl you were also seeing. Not cool
You are now writing your own scenario.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 8:43 PM   #104
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Why is she interested in a twice divorced man who doesn't even have the decency not to flaunt the fact that he's having sex with other women in front of her?
I do not flaunt.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 8:57 PM   #105
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I was hesitant at first to start this thread as a grown man asking internet strangers for relationship advice, but Iím glad I did because itís given me a lot to think about. Women can take care of themselves and normally I wouldnít bother, but this girl is different from the usual girls I surround myself with in that sheís quiet and passive and I want to make sure her thoughts are considered.

So hereís what Iím going to.
1. No more sex with her. I understand it can cloud a womanís judgement so I will stop.
2. Gradually cut the number of 1-on-1 outings we have together. This is more difficult because I enjoy our outings and I donít want her to think Iím doing the slow fade but to mitigate this, I will keep our outings to group activities. Iíve already promised her dinner next week so that will be the last.

BTW, I realized that this forum has a general relationship section and I probably should have posted this there because I donít think this is a dating-related issue. But then youíll have people debating what constitutes a ďdateĒ and thatís a whole other thread Iím not interested in participating in.
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