I'm attracted to the wrong type of guy :/

[pandagirl]

I am always drawn to the wrong type of guy and I'm starting to feel defective for it. No, I don't like jerks or players. I do like genuinely nice men, but in addition to that, the issue is that I am highly attracted to very strong personalities--guys that are somewhat weird, or quirky, eccentric, a little strange, etc. Men with dominating personalities who are often very cerebral with great minds and ideas.

 

These type of men tend to inspire me and stimulate me both emotionally and intellectually, which is how I always get suckered in. However, it never works out because... Well, they are indeed strange creatures, and though

they are quite brilliant, they end up lacking in the emotional department, probably because they are too self-centered!

 

Can I undo this? Why do I put such an emphasis on this criteria?

Edited March 28, 2011 by pandagirl

[Nexus One]

Define: "Lacking in the emotional department"

 

While I understand what you might roughly mean with that, I need more specifics regarding that to be able to give you a proper answer.

[pandagirl]

Define: "Lacking in the emotional department"

 

While I understand what you might roughly mean with that, I need more specifics regarding that to be able to give you a proper answer.

 

Basically, unable to create emotional intimacy. They lack empathy. Don't want to talk through problem or feelings. Things are black and white, using logic instead of listening.

 

Example: my last boyfriend told me when I was sad: "I don't get sad because it's not productive!"

[threebyfate]

If they're introverts, they sound like INTJs.

[pandagirl]

If they're introverts, they sound like INTJs.

 

Actually, I think my recent ex was a ENTJ. And the guy j just dated was a ENTP. I've also dated a ESTP.

 

For the record, I've consistently tested as a INFP.

[P&R]

Actually, I think my recent ex was a ENTJ. And the guy j just dated was a ENTP. I've also dated a ESTP.

 

For the record, I've consistently tested as a INFP.

Hey! I'm a INFP too, and ironically my girlfriend is also an INFP.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am attracted to the very similar types (generally) or emotionally intense types that can sweep me off by generating false sense of once-in-a-lifetime romance from the very start. They end up being chaotic and unreliable to the point of almost being psychotic.

 

My type of guy seems to prefer cold, emotionally detached and very dominant women. I am screwed

[threebyfate]

Actually, I think my recent ex was a ENTJ.

Leads with logic. Not sensitive to others.

And the guy j just dated was a ENTP.

Can be fun but manipulative. Not sensitive to others.

I've also dated a ESTP.

Energetic, charming and fun. Won't necessarily stick around if the next best thing comes along. Can be both sensitive and insensitive to others.

For the record, I've consistently tested as a INFP.

That or INFJ would have been my guesses.

 

Have you ever seen this?

[Eternal Sunshine]

BTW I am INFP too.

[P&R]

BTW I am INFP too.

We're all uniting under one thread!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I frequented MB forums for a while and most INFPs seem to have major trouble in relationship arena - much more so than other types.

[P&R]

I frequented MB forums for a while and most INFPs seem to have major trouble in relationship arena - much more so than other types.

Aren't INFP's supposed to be loyal once they open up?

[threebyfate]

From what I recall, there are quite a few INFPs on LS.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Aren't INFP's supposed to be loyal once they open up?

 

Most are just too sensitive, too emotionally intense and tend to live in a bit of a fantasy world. They especially have problems at the start of the relationship.

 

TBF, that's not a coincidence I believe.

 

Shadowplay has tested as INFP or INTP so she is borderline F/T

[P&R]

Most are just too sensitive, too emotionally intense and tend to live in a bit of a fantasy world. They especially have problems at the start of the relationship.

TBF, that's not a coincidence I believe.

 

Shadowplay has tested as INFP or INTP so she is borderline F/T

Have you ever dated another INFP? How did it turn out?

[Nexus One]

Basically, unable to create emotional intimacy. They lack empathy. Don't want to talk through problem or feelings. Things are black and white, using logic instead of listening.

 

If you want emotional intimacy, then before getting into a guy you need to look for proof and signs that he's able to show empathy. Guys will not show emotion easily, so you need to pick it up from subtle things and via indirect proof.

 

Men by nature are problem solvers. If you indicate a problem to them, then they want to solve it for you, often by using cold hard logic, but they will think that when the problem is solved, then that's the end of it.

 

Example: my last boyfriend told me when I was sad: "I don't get sad because it's not productive!"

 

That could mean several things:

 

1. He's full of sh*t.

2. He's trying to act tough around a woman.

3. He actually genuinely thinks that.

4. He doesn't mean you shouldn't get sad, but he wanted to say that he himself doesn't get sad very often, so he can't really relate to you.

5. He thinks you should "man up".

6. A combination of any of the above.

 

If you want emotional intimacy, then you also need to tell these guys that you want it, because they can't read your mind. They generally will not do it out of themselves, because they're perhaps not enough savvy in the women department or they're not quite sure if that's actually something you'd want from them.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Have you ever dated another INFP? How did it turn out?

 

 

Heh, no as far as I know. I would like to though.

[P&R]

Heh, no as far as I know. I would like to though.

So far my relationship with my girlfriend is the best I've ever had... Maybe you should try to go for a INPF next time

[Nexus One]

Actually, I think my recent ex was a ENTJ. And the guy j just dated was a ENTP. I've also dated a ESTP.

 

For the record, I've consistently tested as a INFP.

 

Can someone list what these acronyms stand for? (ENTJ, ENTP, ESTP, INFP)

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think that one should be careful who they reveal their MB type to in real life.

 

It gives them an easy way to manipulate you (if they know about MB).

[Eternal Sunshine]

Can someone list what these acronyms stand for? (ENTJ, ENTP, ESTP, INFP)

 

There are basically 4 different axis and 16 personality types:

 

I/E - introvert/extrovert (self explanatory)

 

N/S - intuitive/sensing (Intuitive people see the "bigger picture" and sense patterns between events. They also like to think about the future possibilities. Sensing people are mostly concerned with here and now and don't think much past that)

 

T/F - thinker/feeler (Thinkers are ruled by logic, feelers by emotion)

 

J/P - judging/perceiving (Judging types tend to be ordered planners while perceiving types tend to be more disorganized, chaotic and spontaneous)

 

This is off the top of my head.

[Nexus One]

There are basically 4 different axis and 16 personality types:

 

I/E - introvert/extrovert (self explanatory)

 

N/S - intuitive/sensing (Intuitive people see the "bigger picture" and sense patterns between events. They also like to think about the future possibilities. Sensing people are mostly concerned with here and now and don't think much past that)

 

T/F - thinker/feeler (Thinkers are ruled by logic, feelers by emotion)

 

J/P - judging/perceiving (Judging types tend to be ordered planners while perceiving types tend to be more disorganized, chaotic and spontaneous)

 

This is off the top of my head.

 

Thanks, that was helpful.

[impz]

If they're introverts, they sound like INTJs.

 

INTJ =/= jerks. LOL (it's a bad joke, sorry!)

 

Ok, honestly though, being an INTJ myself, my wife sometimes says that I can be emotionally detached when it comes to stating my issues/views. In a way, she says I am laser logical but it can be a bit unnerving too. I am learning to be a bit empathic at certain "emotional" issues.

[Alma Mobley]

Ouch on the INTJs, since I am one. My husband is an ENFP and we manage to work it out.

 

OP, your problem is being attracted to men who lack empathy. That is a huge problem. Why do you think you are attracted to them? They are not the majority, no matter what you hear on LS.

[zengirl]

I put way less stock in MB than y'all do. But then I don't test consistently as any one thing anyway. I think every variable has changed except the E, depending on when I tested.

 

At any rate, in terms of your problem, I'd say that emotional intimacy is kind of tricky. When you say these guys "can't" --- do you have any real idea that they can't, or they just haven't with you. I mean, I'm definitely capable of emotional intimacy, but I definitely haven't been able to engage in it with every guy I've dated. And it takes me a long time to figure out if I can sometimes.

 

Empathy is a different story. A lack of human empathy is actually a mental disorder. If they literally cannot feel badly for another human being, that's pretty whacked. However, people express empathy in different ways, so it depends on why/how you find them empathy deficient. I mean, if they saw someone in pain, would they help? Under what circumstances? I've met precious few human beings who truly seem to lack empathy.

 

Good men don't tend to be highly emotive at first. (Men who are highly emotive at first, in my experience, are generally unreliable in the long run.) However, they do have emotions and empathy. They may just be a bit careful in terms of how they show them and engage in the relationship.

 

When you say "I don't get sad because it's unproductive," I don't see someone who lacks emotion; I see someone who is either terrified of emotion (truly denies sadness) or who simply phrased it oddly. Changing a few words makes it a very positive statement: "I don't indulge in sadness because it's unproductive." That's very true. One cannot really control whether or not they "get" sad, but I guess I agree that wallowing in sadness is useless and, frankly, unproductive. Totally true. Now, if they said this to a five year old who was sad her dog died, that'd be lame, but if they said this to a grown adult who was wallowing for weeks over the same issue, and who they thought could use some genuine advice to get their get-up-and-go back, it'd be completely called for. All depends on context.

 

I find that men who love animals and/or kids generally have a good deal of empathy and emotional potential. (Which is not to say those that don't will not, but those are just some easy signs.) You can also see based on how many good friends they have and how their relationships are with their family. However, for many men, emotional intimacy within a relationship takes trust and time to build. Men fear getting hurt in relationships almost more deeply than women, I've found----particularly the good ones.

 

If you want emotional intimacy, then you also need to tell these guys that you want it, because they can't read your mind. They generally will not do it out of themselves, because they're perhaps not enough savvy in the women department or they're not quite sure if that's actually something you'd want from them.

 

I also agree with this gem Nexus One provided.

 

Mostly, men will wait for the woman to connect to them emotionally, and good men will really be happy and thankful for this connection. However, they're rarely uber-proactive about it. They simply aren't taught/socialized to be. Think about how men connect with each other and how male friendships work.