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Lost In The Wild


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 22nd October 2017, 2:29 AM   #616
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Your thread is amazing and so binge-worthy - please don't ever stop posting! How are things going with the new guy?
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Old 23rd October 2017, 1:20 PM   #617
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nothingtolose View Post
Your thread is amazing and so binge-worthy - please don't ever stop posting! How are things going with the new guy?
Nice to see you here! Thank you for reading!

The new guy, well, Iím getting ready to dump him if he doesnít dump me first. Heís still shopping around and we are in week 4 so... Iím not really interested in that and Iím thinking Iíll confront him tonight. Then I wonít get the answers I want. Then Iíll exercise my right to be single. Iíll hurt for a week then Iíll be okay, hopefully.

More to come.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 2:57 PM   #618
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When I ran into my ex it was like seeing a ghost......

Your words are so very beautiful. Just like you. Thank you for sharing your experiences...

Wishing you some peace and joy today my friend. Hugs.
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Old 30th October 2017, 8:56 AM   #619
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Dear European,

You are long gone but not long forgotten.

I have something to tell you, again. I know youíll never get this message but I figured Iíd post it up here anyway. And yes, I know itís creepy I still think about you sometimes.

I just wanted to let you know I got the memo about living life the way you did. Iím going to Trinidad this week, finally going on a trip by myself to meet with my friends. Iím so excited to see them in their new life. Something I hope to have someday.

But you did this for me. You gave me something to envy enough to go for it. I got the extra-thick passport because I know this trip wonít be my last. Iím sad that I have to do it alone, but Iím finally ready to go.

Iím just sorry it took me so long to make a move. I know I wonít regret it, though. Iím going to drink from the fountain of life, the one you taught me about. I will savor it the way you did.

And Iíll think of you occasionally while Iím doing it.

Some people just arenít easily forgotten, no matter the circumstances.

Thanks for your help.

XOXO,
LITW
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Old 30th October 2017, 10:41 AM   #620
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Another Saga...

Iím on another roller coaster, guys, so pitch in if you like. Red flags, pink flags, green flags...point them out. Let me lay it out.

Power is out at work today due to a bad storm and windy conditions, so I have time to post in between packing and fretting and DunkinĎ Donuts.

I wasnít interested at first, if Iím being honest. Something about him was rather off-putting. Maybe it was his positivity about everything so quickly after his divorce. Maybe it was the god damned cargo shorts he wore all the time (if we get serious, Iím going to flame the ****ers) and the recent cargo jeans (lord, help me). He also had no detectable scent, so I assumed he wasnít wearing cologne. But he was open and he seemed kind. Very responsible. Things Iím not very good at in this moment. Hell, Iím a train wreck. Still. I donít know when Iíll be able to get my credit together to move. Iím afraid to struggle again.

I thought heíd be a slob when I went over to his house. I told myself it will make or break this. I didnít want to be with someone who couldnít clean up after themselves. And I walked in. And it was extremely clean. And I decided that day, it could work.

We all know Iím a stalker by now. If you donít know that, you have to read more. I donít trust ****. And itís usually for good reason. So I checked up on him. I found his dating profile. I knew he had one and didnít get bothered about it at first because I thought this would be a pit stop for me in my life.

As it turns out, though, I really started to like him. Iím not in love or infatuated, nothing like that yet. Iím just content being with him. Iím learning something new. My feelings are growing for this person and I believe his are slowly growing for me. We tell each other that we like one another when we talk about it. His eyes are warming. He seems happy to be with me.

Seeing each other has accelerated. Itís up to four times per week now. One night, I was leaving his house and we said our farewells. I was feeling pretty lit up and started to get excited when...I checked his dating profile and another ad I know about. It said he was online now, and he had reposted his ad.

I lost my ****. Three weeks in and this ******* doesnít know if he likes me by now? He doesnít know? I mean...that pissed me off. How could he not know that Iím the one he wants to focus on right now?

So, I did something Iím not proud of and enlisted the help of a friend to respond to his ad. I designed a question I knew he would answer the way he did. ďHave you been successful meeting anyone on here?Ē And my friend called me back to tell me his answer. ďNo I havenít met anyone yet.Ē

So, I texted him, pretty much laying out that I was looking for someone interested in a relationship and told him I saw his ad reposted. I told him that we could end it now if this isnít what he wants. I wasnít expecting a response and sat quietly, texting friends and drinking my wine, staring off into the four white walls of my room.

How could I be so stupid? Is it stupid? Iím not typically the jealous type.

Not to sound full of myself or anything, but in the looks department, I do believe I have a few points over him. Plus fashion (****ing shorts...). He reminds me of someone who should wear a fedora. But really, this stuff doesnít matter at the end of the day. It never matters what you look like. It can help, but what does matter is on the inside. And he gets more attractive to me each time I see him. I wonder though, if heís only hanging on to me because of his physical attraction to me.

And then I got the advice to ask him to talk in person about my feelings after I blew up. He responded to my initial text about an hour later telling me the fact that we are both still looking means neither of us is 100% sure yet. He thought I was looking...

So he told me he was available to talk on the phone that night and to be honest, I thought that was that. I thought he would be done, combative, defensive, anything other than what he was. He was calm, gracious, and still wanted to see me. He explained that he has only been single for 4 months and heís not sure of things yet so heís keeping his options open and seeing whatís out there. Heís not rebounding all over the place and sleeping around because he doesnít feel the need to do that. Heís not out to **** me over but right now he canít offer commitment although he knows he wants another relationship. He acknowledged that we may be in two different places at the moment. I agreed. He also told me heíd let me know if he met someone else. Which, uh, thanks.

The day I drove to see him, I expected it to be my last. The next time I went to see him, I thought it would be over then too. And more recently, heís started opening up more, sharing his world with mine. I see progress in this. Itís not steady; itís accelerating. And yet I always wonder, even though I promised myself I wouldnít look, if on the nights we arenít together, heís out with someone else. I currently get weekends and a few weekdays. Who else is fitting into his life?

Then when Iím with him, he tells me what heís been doing. He tells me what heís looking at on his phone. As if to dull my suspicion. Itís really intriguing how this is playing out. Iím trying to be understanding. Iím trying not to pressure him. Iím trying to give this a chance despite the circumstances. But I have so many doubts. Iíve never questioned myself so much.

The true test in all of this is coming now. Heís on a business trip in Canada. Iím going to Trinidad. He will return before me and I will return a week later. I feel as though we will have a nice break between us. I just canít shake the feeling that he will vanish like so many before him. The other night, I turned over in his lap and looked up at him, ďWill you still be here when I get back?Ē He said, ďYes, Iíll still be here.Ē

Saturday night, I told him, ďIíll miss you.Ē And he said he will think of me whenever heís not working. And, ďIíll really miss you too.Ē

Aside from the multi-dating, it feels really healthy and steady. But Iím guessing this is a rebound for him despite what he thinks. Iím just a passing traveler through his journey to heal. I know that. This will never be more than that. I tell myself that everyday so I donít get my hopes up.

And Iím truly sick of having that narrative stuck in my head. But itís just so accurate.

Iíll dip my toes in the water, twirl my fingers around the sands, tan lightly, smile, laugh, and come back to give him what the European gave to me. If nothing else, I can make someone remember me the way the European made an unforgettable impact on my life.

Thatís the best I can do. And it sucks. Single and lonely or someoneís love glove.
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Old 30th October 2017, 11:40 PM   #621
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The Wild Saga...

I pushed myself up to my feet to see further into the distance where the animal was coming from. I donít know where I found the energy. I knew I was in for the greatest fight Iíve ever encountered out here.

The earth started to rumble beneath my feet. I looked down at my now brown, tattered dress. Long worn through the years and changing colors many times has left it colorless and dull. It is based on how I feel.

I reached down and ripped of the skirt of the dress, layers of silk and tulle piling around me. Brown and dirty just like my soul. I tore off everything I could, revealing brown leggings beneath that were so tight they seemed to blend into my skin. My top remained fancy, but worn.

My hair fell all around my face as I crouched down to look on. The earth continued to rumble as the horror came closer. Much to my dismay and confusion, where the monster should have been standing...it wasnít there. There was nothing to see.

Frightened, I looked around and still saw nothing. Until it hit me. Hard.

Knocked back into the ground, leaves and thorns piercing me, drawing blood from cuts I couldnít feel, I knew how to fight it. It howled again, sounding hurt and angry and monstrous. It was terrifying but I knew it was in pain. I started to cry as I lay back with the wind knocked out of my lungs, gasping for air, searching the skies for answers it never gave and never had.

Holding my broken hand across my stomach, I forced myself to sit up. It was the least I could offer the creature. Some respect. Some acknowledgement. It wanted something from me. It didnít come for my rage. It didnít come from my hate. It wasnít there to steal my pain. It wasnít there to rob me of anything.

It was born from me. It wanted me to know it existed and what it was.

ďI know what you are,Ē I whispered. It quietly groaned as if it understood. Then it walked away, earth rumbling as it crawled back to wherever it came from.

This was the first time Iíve been injured in the wild to the point where I could barely move. I propped myself up against a tree only to realize a stick was stuck in my chest. Blood was pouring out everywhere and I couldnít stop it.

I tried and tried. But there was no help. I quietly fell asleep and slid into a coma. Maybe this is how to escape this place because I couldnít find a way before.

A storm came through and even though I was unconscious, I could still miraculously hear it. The cold rain covered all of me, soaking through my clothes, wetting my hair, cleansing me. It seemed to be almost healing.

I wish I knew how long I sat there like that. I finally awoke and looked around my surroundings. There was a thick mist hovering in the air. The leaves were fiery oranges and bold reds. There was a chill in the air but I didnít mind it. I looked down at my hands and saw they were healed.

I had thoughts again whereas before I had given them up. I took this part of my chapter as a new chance to find a way out of here. I got out once before, or so I thought. It canít be impossible.

And I stood up. When I started walking, my clothing started to change again. The brown remnants of my dress began to fade to a pale gold color. As I continued walking, tulle started to emerge, along with long pieces of more pale gold silk. The skirt kept growing and became fluffier the further I walked. It grew and grew until it wound down around my legs, leaving a short train behind me. My hair had also grown down to reach the back of my thighs. I donít think Iíve worn such a beautiful dress before.

ďRenewal,Ē a voice whispered into the wind, breathlessly.

The wild doesnít want me to be lost. It is in my head where the wars are waged. Only there can they be won.
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Old 8th November 2017, 8:19 AM   #622
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Beautiful Mess...

I awoke in the mountains. Palm trees and birds hovered over me. Yellow birds, red birds, tropical birds. They chirped in their singsong tones.

The sun was hot and the air was thick with moisture. I stood up to begin my trek for the day, as always, trying to find a way out of the wild. I wasnít sure why the wilderness was so different this time.

The greens were the greenest Iíve ever seen. The blue skies boasted big, pillowy clouds it seemed I could walk on if I could only reach. And so I hiked.

My pale gold gown blew with each light gust of air. I worked my way up a pass through the mountains, stopping at a stream for the best drinking water Iíve ever had. My hair began to get wavy against the humidity.

Walking along and listening to such beautiful nature was very calming for me. It centered me to be so close to it. To take it all in. It was almost too much to handle. But I continued on, passing snakes, frogs, more beautiful parrots.

And then I came to a beach full of white sands. As far as the eye could see, tucked away in a cove. Here, I could see the mountains surrounding me. I could see through the water. And on my left there was an abandoned boat.

I walked over to it and pushed it into the ocean. There was something I had to see; something I didnít know about.

The saltiest water splashed on my face, all over my dress, and wet my hair. Still, I pushed out to sea and hopped into the boat.

Floating there, in the deep waters, although Iím trapped in paradise, thereís something to be found. I donít think itís escape. It may be myself. What I want in life. I have a few days left to figure it out.
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Old 15th November 2017, 11:13 PM   #623
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Sew Me Up...

Good morning. Good night. Hello. Goodbye. No. Maybe. Yes. Okay. Cool. Sure. Awesome.

I donít remember feeling like someone cares about me. I thought Iíd know it when I saw it. I thought Iíd feel something. It would click. And I just realized last night itís been years since someone has liked me. Itís been years since a member of the opposite sex has actually wanted to know me.

Last night, believe me when I tell you, that all changed.

And Iím not sure what to say. I donít know what will happen with this either.

Yes, itís the guy I spoke about previously. I was so resistant to him at first. Then it became all about him doing online dating. Then it became about letting that go. Breathe. Let it air out. Let it develop.

Then, he left for Canada. I left for Trinidad. I hadnít heard from him in a week while he was away. And then I heard from him when he got back to the states. I was expecting him to disappear like so many before him.

He didnít. He just didnít have service in Canada and he didnít download the app I suggested until he got back. I was on the brink of kicking him to the curb when he finally appeared, but I called him and I instantly missed him. I missed my country. I missed talking to him. I wanted him.

It turned out that he doesnít want me sleeping with other people. I told him the same. We talked about our trips and I shared with him how afraid I was of the plane rides I took.

We told each other we missed the other. And I felt his absence.

We planned on seeing each other all day on Sunday upon my return, but fate had other plans when I missed my connecting flight. I was temporarily stranded for the entire night, only to find myself in my car doing 90 on the way home, 12 hours later than I planned, wanting to see him and salvage our busted up plans.

I pulled up to his house after cleaning up and unpacking at home around 3. The first hug and kiss was long, longer than I expected and sweeter than I had imagined. It was evident that we did, indeed, miss each other.

Thereís a trend Iím noticing with him. It is unraveling slowly. I get pieces of him here and there. But itís always more than the last time. It took him forever to make me laugh. When he did, he brought tears to my eyes. It took him forever to tuck my hair behind my ears and run his hand down my neck. But he did, and it sent shivers down my spine. And now he reaches for me and holds me. He kisses me all the time. And... I enjoy this but Iím afraid to let go and give into my feelings. So I havenít. I remain a statue in regards to feelings.

Yesterday, however, he asked if I wanted to see a movie. I agreed to it. He told me to come by after work. He said he was going to make pasta. This is really sad, but I interpreted that as him telling me to get something to eat before I came over. It turns out, he was cooking for us.

I arrived after work and he had the table set with wine and wine glasses. The food was delicious. We decided to not go out and instead watched a movie there while we tickled each other, laughed, kissed, and talked. It wasnít like all the other times though. It seemed deeper, almost? Iím not going to pretend I know the depth of anyoneís feelings based on the way they look at me ever again. Iíve been seriously mistaken before. And Iím pretty sure Iím mistaken again. Until I can be sure.

Even still, after we opened up to each other quite a bit last night, I left wondering...what are we doing really? Because he told me he likes me several times without prompting. Heís touching me more. He admitted heís been happier since being with me.

And heís looking forward to me cooking for him on Friday. I thought heíd cancel. I keep fearing the bottom will fall out somewhere. Iím trying to get my bearings. But he mentioned that he will be cleaning his house and doing his lawn on the days we arenít together so we could spend more time focusing on each other.

Itís weird. I canít explain this at all. I just know that so far, despite driving my friends crazy, Iím here for it. Thatís all. It feels healthy so far. He treats me right. Heís sweet and funny and fun. And he likes me. Right now. Anyway...
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Old 15th November 2017, 11:52 PM   #624
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Really hope it works out for you.
You deserve it.
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Old 19th November 2017, 12:02 PM   #625
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The Cab Theory...

2004: I was 17 years old. I met him at his job. He worked at a pet store. And he liked me, or so I thought, looking through my teenage eyes. We messed around a bit and I got attached. He was older than me by several years. I thought he was mature.

One night, something happened and I canít quite remember everything. I think he tried to break it off. I went to the bar he was at. Iím in my hometown now and could easily drive to it to see.

He came outside and met me in the parking lot. I was crying and extremely upset. He took my face in my hands and said, ďYouíre amazing. I really do like you but Iím not monogamous.Ē He bought me a six pack and went inside to continue his night. I went home, called some friends, and drank my prize.

2006: We had just had sex. He seemed kind of upset about something after and I pressed for answers. He turned to me and told me he was in love with me. Although I donít miss him, that was the only time I believe someone did love me, looking back on it.

2013: We stood outside of a pizza shop next to our home. He told me Iím a great person. We launched into other discussions, but that was the last night we went out. The next day, he was gone.

2013-Present Day: Iíve been told how awesome, amazing, and fantastically fantastic I am by many men. None of them really knew me. I worked hard at some of these relationships and some I barely cared about but everyone got their chance. At my expense. At a great cost to me. But I did these things just to know how it would turn out in the end. Iíve gotten my validation that my feelings are accurate. Iíve also been surprised a few times.

Let me rewind a bit, though, and tell the story of Frenchie. I never did talk about him much (at least I canít remember getting into it). He was here temporarily from France. And after spending a night with him, my feelings took off fast. He intrigued me. And like a big idiot, I thought Iíd marry the guy. I literally didnít say anything negative about him. I was the epitome of positivity. I was never unhappy. And I hardly saw him. Crazy? Yes, absolutely.

It turns out that I was totally wrong to get excited. It had just been so long that I went nuts over him. He told me he he wasnít going to be able to stay in this country and reduced everything down to sex. I happily accepted that. Saw him once more and then he went dark. I didnít contact him. A couple of weeks later, I got a message from him checking in with me asking how I was. I said I was great and suggested meeting up.

To my horror, he declined and told me he met someone else who was into threesomes. I flipped out and that was it. About a month later he texted to apologize for how he treated me. I accepted that.

And I decided to not date again after that. Like always.

If you donít seek it out, it wonít always magically find you. So I tried again.

And here we are.

And Iím starting to feel upset again. That knot in my stomach is coming back. Iím just waiting for the quicksand to swallow me up and spit me out into the future. Because I know.

The Cab Theory states that a person isnít ready for commitment until he is. His cab light will turn on when he figures out heís ready. He will proceed to pick up the next passenger. And thatís not going to be me.
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Old 19th November 2017, 8:29 PM   #626
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The Cabbie...

Things have been going really, really well for me...and Keanu (his requested name because he likes that movie). He wants to see my thread, and I know he can't do that. I've put some crazy stuff in here. Maybe I'll read him some things, and skim over others, or maybe he will never know.

I'm just lying to myself.

I wake up in the morning, put on my clothes to pretend I'm something I'm not. I put on my makeup to hide who I am. And then I stare in the mirror hoping to be the person I want to be. I just want to magically wake up and be someone I'm not. At my age, I know that the window is closing for that to happen. It also takes a lot of work.

I spent Friday night with Keanu and it was a great time. We really had a lot of fun playing around. I can't remember sharing that kind of closeness with someone in a long time and to utter these words is dangerous. Yes, dangerous. I sense danger and impending doom.

I ignore it though.

Until it slapped me in the face pretty hard.

You guys know I have an unhealthy position in favoring the negative. It cradles me and it keeps me safe. I hate everyone until I love them. And it is either pretty fast or unusually slow to the point where I lose interest. Or I start of liking someone and then they start doing things that make me hate them. It's a mix. And this thing with Keanu was definitely one of the messier ones.

The thing is that sometimes my heart feels so big that it might burst when I'm with him, and other times I squeeze it so forcefully to choke it back I can almost feel it wanting to explode in my chest. I just want to express my feelings and I want to be allowed to do that. And I never, ever am. No matter who I'm with. No matter what.

I am not allowed to express my feelings. Because that means I lose people. And I'm so tired of that. But if I don't then nobody will ever know, so I do that here.

We stood in his garage and the words danced in my mind. And then they danced off my tongue into the air. There was no going back.

"Are you sleeping with anyone else or do you plan to?" I asked.

"No," he said and looked puzzled. "I'm not looking to dive into anything super serious right now though. I thought you wanted the same thing? I'm not stringing you along here, but I want to take things slow. Not so slow that it feels like it's not going anywhere, though."

I explained my position, "I'm not in a place right now to support a relationship right now, but I DO want a relationship."

"I want one too," he said.

There was more, but that was the highlight. And that was when I knew I was the passenger in the cab. Again.

Although it shouldn't have, it did some damage. We managed to pull it together for the rest of the evening and pretend like it didn't happen, but the truth is, it did. And I'm not even sure if it's over yet.

He doesn't know that though. And he never will. He will never read this. He will never know. He probably won't even last through the end of the year, although I'll try because I like him.

What I wanted to tell him was this:

I want to matter to someone.
I want someone to fall in love with me and love me as much as I love him.
I want to be happy and comfortable.
I want to live in love and beauty.
I want someone who knows this and is willing to give this to me everyday.

To me, what he told me was he doesn't want me. I'm just good enough right now until he finds what he's really looking for. It just ain't me.

He's gone for a week now. I'll grit my teeth and bear it. Maybe bring some games into this equation because it won't hurt anything. Pretend I'm off doing other things. Be a little bit more interesting. Don't be so available.

I woke up this morning and put my clothes on, pretending to be something I'm not. I put my makeup on to hide who I am. And then I stared in the mirror, hoping to morph into what somebody else might want. I had to leave, though, and so I hailed a cab. The light was on. I didn't know where to stop so I told him to keep driving. I'm waiting to get out for the next passenger.

I pulled out my phone and wrote, "I hope to see you again."

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Old 27th November 2017, 12:11 PM   #627
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Sunny Days Ahead...Maybe?

Here we are. In the present, looking towards the future.

I still wait for the floor to crumble beneath my feet. I canít tell if itís just a habit, or if I might actually be right. I usually am, but Iíve been surprised before.

He came back yesterday after being gone for a week. I was excited that he made plans with me earlier in the week. I got all done up to see him and off I went.

He was late. I called, and the battery in his car died. I drove out to help him jump his car. It didnít work. We were too late to see a movie and so we went out bar hopping together (we did this before).

I could tell he missed me. He said he did. He looked like he did. I felt he did.

The whole night was unlike anything Iíve experienced in years. Kissing like two teenagers. Hand holding. Dancing together. Joking around a ton. Laughing... and I really enjoyed him. And thatís also when I knew I was falling for him. I want to pin the exact moment down. That was when we got to the second bar and had even more fun than at the one before it.

Iím no fool. I know that itís a mistake to let go and allow myself to have feelings. Iíve been holding back for so long, standing at the bottom of a dark well, and finally the lid was opened just a crack. A crack is all I need.

He can officially hurt me. And Iím taking the risk.

But...I had a meltdown. Iím not sure how this week is going to play out, but if it plays out okay or better than before, then I think itís safe to say that heís feeling the same way I am.

He told me a secret as I stood there naked in front of him. He told me he went to a bachelorís party and a stripper gave him a lap dance, then reached into his pants. The drunken horror on my face prompted him to step back as I announced, ďYou were with someone at that time!Ē

Well, I wish I could sit here and say it was a great conversation. Itís one I donít think Iíve ever had before. I asked him if he would do that to me. He said he wouldnít, and suggested I get dressed because the conversation was getting serious (LOL). Well I put my shirt on and followed him to the kitchen announcing that at this point, if he would have gotten hit on while we were out, I would have bitch slapped her. He actually agreed. He said he didnít want dudes hitting on me at all.

I told him Iím not trying to lock him down or trap him but I donít want him ****ing other people. We had a similar conversation before but it wasnít as tidy as this one because I actually got to tell him if he feels like he wants to sleep around then just tell me but Iím not sticking around because I donít want things to start like that. And that to me, it would mean that Iím not enough for him, regardless of our status. I said if he would do that, it would hurt me. And that I understood heís fresh out of a relationship but he can just tell me now if he wants to **** other people but to be sure thatís what he wants because Iím gone. He said he doesnít want me ****ing other guys. He also said he doesnít feel the need to look for it because he has what he wants right now.

No ****ing. Agreed. Exclusivity. Until there isnít any exclusivity, I guess.

There was a point where I really thought Iíd be sleeping off my drunkenness in his spare bedroom and awkwardly pulling myself together in the morning and running away before the birds started chirping. Thatís not what happened.

I apologized to him for being passionate. I just told him I donít know what to do. Iím out of practice. I donít know how to handle this what with him being so fresh out of a relationship. He said he understood. He told me he was glad we talked about it. I stood in his kitchen kind of playing with the countertop when he told me I looked anxious. I said usually things like this cause people to disappear.

We had great sex and went to pass out at 6AM. In the morning, I was in the same position as when I went to sleep. With his arms around me. And in the morning, we went to get breakfast, watched a movie, and I said my goodbyes.

He was absolutely caring. He was super sweet. He cuddled me, kissed me, and did things for me. Itís just turning into something in my mind that I hadnít actually planned on. The problem is, I still donít think heís ready. And I applied pressure to him when I probably shouldnít have, even if the conversation had to happen at this level of intensity.

But, now I wonder: what now? I think heís going to run. Something bad is going to happen. Something is going to go wrong. What is it? Whatís going to happen next?

Will I get the slow fade? Will he keep up the interest? Have I lost him and I donít yet know?

It makes me sad. And I never thought heíd be in a position to make me feel like bad about losing him.
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Old 27th November 2017, 8:47 PM   #628
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She leaves and comes back

Most part of the day and when I'm with my girl I'm doing great, but when I'm alone, when I least expect it, she comes back. The thoughts swirl, the good memories, the "what ifs" that sometimes get so ridiculous. Like, "What if I didn't do that thing with my eye when I talk to her really late at night when I'm exhausted, would she have stayed?". Then I remind myself, that sort of stuff wouldn't turn off someone that professed their undying love to you. I saw quirks and minor things that honestly I didn't care because of the love I had for her.
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Old 28th November 2017, 8:26 PM   #629
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Girlfriends' Guide to Getting F*cked Over...

As the day progressed into a series of unfortunate events, I thought of a guide I could write out if anyone wants to know the exact steps they have to take in order to get ****ed over.

You're in the right place. Just follow my step-by-step plan and you will be on the way to F*ckedville in no time flat.

It's important to prime yourself for this method because it can be exhausting and anxiety-inducing, so please, do yourself a favor and buy wine everyday. Strong wine. Dry wine. Not the fruity sh*t — nobody wants that. You need to be doing some damage to your body at night, night after night, after work. Chain smoking is optional. When the doctor tells you that you have acid reflux and your vocal cords are red, you're in good shape. Pull out this guide and begin.

1. Give Everyone a Chance.

Date them all. Date losers. Date winners. Date crazies. Date seemingly sane men! Date hot men. Date ugly men! Date short men. Date tall men! Date long penises. Date short penises. Date skinny penises. Date fat penises. Date them ALL!

You want to date so many guys that don't stick around that your friends tell you that it's your fault. You're too picky. Never say NO!

When you get a gut feeling that something is wrong, ignore it!!! It's because your nerves are shot from all the wine, so drink more. It's cool if your get the shakes on your way to work, just hide in your office half the day with the door closed.

The wine, I promise, will at least help you get 4 hours of sleep per night. If you feel anxious during the day, chain smoke! That totally helps!

2. Keep An Open Heart and Trust New People

Or...keep an open mind! It works for me. See, I swear off dating for 6 months and then boom! I'm ready to trust/date/love again in no time.

Trust everything new people tell you. They wouldn't lie. They don't have any reasons to not tell you anything about their pasts. Transparency is a virtue. I swear!

Make sure you're able to love wholeheartedly before you get involved. Be what I like to call: thirsty. See, if you are thirsty, then it's easier to get caught up and wear your heart on your sleeve, but no worries, people love you for that!!! Wear that heart on your sleeve, girl!! Wear it!

Being thirsty is so much easier after you turn 30, so you may have to wait awhile. Actually, we might as well change that term over to DESPERATE and coin yourselves the term, "Desperada". For my single ladies over 30! Woo hoo!

I have to recommend this again: ALWAYS keep an open mind. Once you've seen it all, someone comes along and shows you something new. You should stick around to see what that might be just so you can become a "seasoned" dater and get on the path to being f*cked over!!

3. BE the VICTIM

When you are sitting at home in between conquests drunk, be sure to phone or text your friends playing the victim! Or do it sober all day long like I do! It's whatever floats your boat here.

I added this one in here because you learn a lot from people who care about you. There really is no negative connotation here. You are the victim because you are the victim.

**** that a**hole!

4. Express Yourself

Tell men what you think they want to hear.

"I don't want you to f*ck anybody else."

"I love you."

"I care about you."

"I want to see you tomorrow."

"I like pink!"

"I had fun with you."

"I want a relationship."

[Variant with equal results] "I would like a relationship someday."

[Variant with disastrous results] "I would like a relationship with you."

I think those are enough samples. Be honest with them, ladies. Tell them you like unicorns, wedding dresses, and baby breath. He will be sh*tting himself while he backs away from you like you're a wild beast with three boobs and five eyes.

Actually, if you're really interested in getting f*cked over, say ALL of these things at once and hold a full open bottle of wine while you do so. If you use the last variant on the list, be sure to swish your arm out at him while wine goes flying everywhere. He. Will. RUN.

5. Accept Everything

But never be yourself. If you've been through the list a few times, you know that being yourself gets you nowhere.

Accept everything he does or wants to do with you. He calls; you jump. He gives a little; you give a lot. Accept it. Accept that sometimes, despite all the nice things you do, how much you give, how great you think you are, he's gonna **** you over. Sometimes it's a soft tap. Sometimes it's a hard tap.

Whatever you do, be sure to be holding that bottle of wine. No wine glasses.

Last edited by LostInTheWild; 28th November 2017 at 8:38 PM..
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Old 16th January 2018, 10:36 PM   #630
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When You Come Back...

It took a week, today marks the day, to stop crying over you. I still get teary occasionally, but I’m not sobbing anymore. I’m starting to make peace with your decision.

We had a great time together. Drinking, dancing, playing pool, inside jokes nobody else would believe, and we missed each other. You can’t tell me that we didn’t.

I remember my eyes tracing the outline of your face, the three-dimensional shape of you, your lips and your eye color (oh how it matched the gray shirt you wore), and I took in all of you that day. And I cried because I knew you meant something to me that day, even if I couldn’t appreciate you then. Or maybe I appreciated you more than you appreciated having me.

After three months you stood there and called it. “My gut feeling is telling me this isn’t going to work out.” I asked you if you were sure and you sighed and looked away, then back at me, “Yes, I’m sure.”

I imagine in the future that you will regret this day. Not right now, no, you feel relaxed and relieved. Right now your friends, whom you introduced me to, are surrounding you and supporting your decision. You say, “What was I thinking?” And laugh.

Even though I know something else is wrong. There is something you haven’t told me. There is something I don’t know about you.

And you will feel this loss. It will eat you up in the coming months and force your hand to reach out. One day. Not today. Not next week. Not even in the next six months. But I know you’ll be back and I will be able to read this to you.

I was so good to you. I know I was, despite my initial feelings and wretched thoughts. Maybe I poisoned us or maybe I knew you weren’t going to stay. Or maybe I knew I’d lose you like I’ve lost so many others. I could’ve even chased you away.

I never asked for commitment, but I didn’t want you to sleep around or date others. I didn’t want to wake up and this person I thought I knew so well was already moving on to someone else, with me hanging in the balance. Maybe it happened and I didn’t see it. Or maybe it didn’t because I was around all the time.

You treated me like a friend. It felt healthy easing into it. And in the end, you told me that’s all you felt I was. Just a friend. Your feelings wouldn’t grow.

The one thing I’ve learned over the years is that the worst thing to do is try to convince people to stay. They don’t want to be there; let them go. And so I did. Gracefully. I didn’t beg. I didn’t plead. I didn’t throw a tantrum. I told you I respect you for telling me. In person? Yes. But, it was wrong the way you tried to avoid that.

I’m really going to miss the living **** out of you. I even thought, as I sat at the bar with my friend that night, that I really did love you. And I’m trying to move on for my sanity. But I don’t really want to because I want you to come back.

But I know I didn’t offer enough in my life. I’m still recovering from the blow that took part of my life away with it. I know that living with my parents isn’t cool. Wanting more money does nothing. Going and getting the money changes things. And I’m pretty sure it’s my blown up life you don’t want. I don’t want it either. But it is mine.

I see myself walking down the street from my apartment in the near future, gym body glistening in the warm sun, happiness radiating from me, cigarette-free, career booming, the wonder of the world at my fingertips. Because I’ve made a commitment to myself, the commitment I couldn’t make to you, to be better in life. I stroll down to my new car with my dog you’ve never met. Just as I go to get into it, I see you drive by. And for a moment, I don’t recognize you.

I choose to move on and be happy, without you, even if I don’t want to leave you in the past. It’s where you chose to remain. I choose the future you don’t deserve to have with me, because you didn’t want me at my worst.

Someone will. Someone will see how great I am, the change that is me, and the future I’ve made for myself. Alone. I will single-handedly rewrite my life.

I can’t wait for you to see how I’ve learned what I’m worth. I may not even want you back by then, but this is my inspiration to get me back.

I’m worth more than how you treated me. I didn’t deserve any of it.

Last edited by LostInTheWild; 16th January 2018 at 10:40 PM..
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