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Lost In The Wild

Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 22nd October 2017, 2:29 AM   #616
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Your thread is amazing and so binge-worthy - please don't ever stop posting! How are things going with the new guy?
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Old 23rd October 2017, 1:20 PM   #617
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Originally Posted by Nothingtolose View Post
Your thread is amazing and so binge-worthy - please don't ever stop posting! How are things going with the new guy?
Nice to see you here! Thank you for reading!

The new guy, well, I知 getting ready to dump him if he doesn稚 dump me first. He痴 still shopping around and we are in week 4 so... I知 not really interested in that and I知 thinking I値l confront him tonight. Then I won稚 get the answers I want. Then I値l exercise my right to be single. I値l hurt for a week then I値l be okay, hopefully.

More to come.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 2:57 PM   #618
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When I ran into my ex it was like seeing a ghost......

Your words are so very beautiful. Just like you. Thank you for sharing your experiences...

Wishing you some peace and joy today my friend. Hugs.
Be kind always; you never know what someone is going thru.

Our purpose in life is to help others; if we can't help them at least don't hurt them.
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Old 30th October 2017, 8:56 AM   #619
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Dear European,

You are long gone but not long forgotten.

I have something to tell you, again. I know you値l never get this message but I figured I壇 post it up here anyway. And yes, I know it痴 creepy I still think about you sometimes.

I just wanted to let you know I got the memo about living life the way you did. I知 going to Trinidad this week, finally going on a trip by myself to meet with my friends. I知 so excited to see them in their new life. Something I hope to have someday.

But you did this for me. You gave me something to envy enough to go for it. I got the extra-thick passport because I know this trip won稚 be my last. I知 sad that I have to do it alone, but I知 finally ready to go.

I知 just sorry it took me so long to make a move. I know I won稚 regret it, though. I知 going to drink from the fountain of life, the one you taught me about. I will savor it the way you did.

And I値l think of you occasionally while I知 doing it.

Some people just aren稚 easily forgotten, no matter the circumstances.

Thanks for your help.

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Old 30th October 2017, 10:41 AM   #620
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Another Saga...

I知 on another roller coaster, guys, so pitch in if you like. Red flags, pink flags, green flags...point them out. Let me lay it out.

Power is out at work today due to a bad storm and windy conditions, so I have time to post in between packing and fretting and Dunkin Donuts.

I wasn稚 interested at first, if I知 being honest. Something about him was rather off-putting. Maybe it was his positivity about everything so quickly after his divorce. Maybe it was the god damned cargo shorts he wore all the time (if we get serious, I知 going to flame the ****ers) and the recent cargo jeans (lord, help me). He also had no detectable scent, so I assumed he wasn稚 wearing cologne. But he was open and he seemed kind. Very responsible. Things I知 not very good at in this moment. Hell, I知 a train wreck. Still. I don稚 know when I値l be able to get my credit together to move. I知 afraid to struggle again.

I thought he壇 be a slob when I went over to his house. I told myself it will make or break this. I didn稚 want to be with someone who couldn稚 clean up after themselves. And I walked in. And it was extremely clean. And I decided that day, it could work.

We all know I知 a stalker by now. If you don稚 know that, you have to read more. I don稚 trust ****. And it痴 usually for good reason. So I checked up on him. I found his dating profile. I knew he had one and didn稚 get bothered about it at first because I thought this would be a pit stop for me in my life.

As it turns out, though, I really started to like him. I知 not in love or infatuated, nothing like that yet. I知 just content being with him. I知 learning something new. My feelings are growing for this person and I believe his are slowly growing for me. We tell each other that we like one another when we talk about it. His eyes are warming. He seems happy to be with me.

Seeing each other has accelerated. It痴 up to four times per week now. One night, I was leaving his house and we said our farewells. I was feeling pretty lit up and started to get excited when...I checked his dating profile and another ad I know about. It said he was online now, and he had reposted his ad.

I lost my ****. Three weeks in and this ******* doesn稚 know if he likes me by now? He doesn稚 know? I mean...that pissed me off. How could he not know that I知 the one he wants to focus on right now?

So, I did something I知 not proud of and enlisted the help of a friend to respond to his ad. I designed a question I knew he would answer the way he did. 滴ave you been successful meeting anyone on here? And my friend called me back to tell me his answer. 哲o I haven稚 met anyone yet.

So, I texted him, pretty much laying out that I was looking for someone interested in a relationship and told him I saw his ad reposted. I told him that we could end it now if this isn稚 what he wants. I wasn稚 expecting a response and sat quietly, texting friends and drinking my wine, staring off into the four white walls of my room.

How could I be so stupid? Is it stupid? I知 not typically the jealous type.

Not to sound full of myself or anything, but in the looks department, I do believe I have a few points over him. Plus fashion (****ing shorts...). He reminds me of someone who should wear a fedora. But really, this stuff doesn稚 matter at the end of the day. It never matters what you look like. It can help, but what does matter is on the inside. And he gets more attractive to me each time I see him. I wonder though, if he痴 only hanging on to me because of his physical attraction to me.

And then I got the advice to ask him to talk in person about my feelings after I blew up. He responded to my initial text about an hour later telling me the fact that we are both still looking means neither of us is 100% sure yet. He thought I was looking...

So he told me he was available to talk on the phone that night and to be honest, I thought that was that. I thought he would be done, combative, defensive, anything other than what he was. He was calm, gracious, and still wanted to see me. He explained that he has only been single for 4 months and he痴 not sure of things yet so he痴 keeping his options open and seeing what痴 out there. He痴 not rebounding all over the place and sleeping around because he doesn稚 feel the need to do that. He痴 not out to **** me over but right now he can稚 offer commitment although he knows he wants another relationship. He acknowledged that we may be in two different places at the moment. I agreed. He also told me he壇 let me know if he met someone else. Which, uh, thanks.

The day I drove to see him, I expected it to be my last. The next time I went to see him, I thought it would be over then too. And more recently, he痴 started opening up more, sharing his world with mine. I see progress in this. It痴 not steady; it痴 accelerating. And yet I always wonder, even though I promised myself I wouldn稚 look, if on the nights we aren稚 together, he痴 out with someone else. I currently get weekends and a few weekdays. Who else is fitting into his life?

Then when I知 with him, he tells me what he痴 been doing. He tells me what he痴 looking at on his phone. As if to dull my suspicion. It痴 really intriguing how this is playing out. I知 trying to be understanding. I知 trying not to pressure him. I知 trying to give this a chance despite the circumstances. But I have so many doubts. I致e never questioned myself so much.

The true test in all of this is coming now. He痴 on a business trip in Canada. I知 going to Trinidad. He will return before me and I will return a week later. I feel as though we will have a nice break between us. I just can稚 shake the feeling that he will vanish like so many before him. The other night, I turned over in his lap and looked up at him, 展ill you still be here when I get back? He said, 添es, I値l still be here.

Saturday night, I told him, 的値l miss you. And he said he will think of me whenever he痴 not working. And, 的値l really miss you too.

Aside from the multi-dating, it feels really healthy and steady. But I知 guessing this is a rebound for him despite what he thinks. I知 just a passing traveler through his journey to heal. I know that. This will never be more than that. I tell myself that everyday so I don稚 get my hopes up.

And I知 truly sick of having that narrative stuck in my head. But it痴 just so accurate.

I値l dip my toes in the water, twirl my fingers around the sands, tan lightly, smile, laugh, and come back to give him what the European gave to me. If nothing else, I can make someone remember me the way the European made an unforgettable impact on my life.

That痴 the best I can do. And it sucks. Single and lonely or someone痴 love glove.
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Old 30th October 2017, 11:40 PM   #621
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The Wild Saga...

I pushed myself up to my feet to see further into the distance where the animal was coming from. I don稚 know where I found the energy. I knew I was in for the greatest fight I致e ever encountered out here.

The earth started to rumble beneath my feet. I looked down at my now brown, tattered dress. Long worn through the years and changing colors many times has left it colorless and dull. It is based on how I feel.

I reached down and ripped of the skirt of the dress, layers of silk and tulle piling around me. Brown and dirty just like my soul. I tore off everything I could, revealing brown leggings beneath that were so tight they seemed to blend into my skin. My top remained fancy, but worn.

My hair fell all around my face as I crouched down to look on. The earth continued to rumble as the horror came closer. Much to my dismay and confusion, where the monster should have been wasn稚 there. There was nothing to see.

Frightened, I looked around and still saw nothing. Until it hit me. Hard.

Knocked back into the ground, leaves and thorns piercing me, drawing blood from cuts I couldn稚 feel, I knew how to fight it. It howled again, sounding hurt and angry and monstrous. It was terrifying but I knew it was in pain. I started to cry as I lay back with the wind knocked out of my lungs, gasping for air, searching the skies for answers it never gave and never had.

Holding my broken hand across my stomach, I forced myself to sit up. It was the least I could offer the creature. Some respect. Some acknowledgement. It wanted something from me. It didn稚 come for my rage. It didn稚 come from my hate. It wasn稚 there to steal my pain. It wasn稚 there to rob me of anything.

It was born from me. It wanted me to know it existed and what it was.

的 know what you are, I whispered. It quietly groaned as if it understood. Then it walked away, earth rumbling as it crawled back to wherever it came from.

This was the first time I致e been injured in the wild to the point where I could barely move. I propped myself up against a tree only to realize a stick was stuck in my chest. Blood was pouring out everywhere and I couldn稚 stop it.

I tried and tried. But there was no help. I quietly fell asleep and slid into a coma. Maybe this is how to escape this place because I couldn稚 find a way before.

A storm came through and even though I was unconscious, I could still miraculously hear it. The cold rain covered all of me, soaking through my clothes, wetting my hair, cleansing me. It seemed to be almost healing.

I wish I knew how long I sat there like that. I finally awoke and looked around my surroundings. There was a thick mist hovering in the air. The leaves were fiery oranges and bold reds. There was a chill in the air but I didn稚 mind it. I looked down at my hands and saw they were healed.

I had thoughts again whereas before I had given them up. I took this part of my chapter as a new chance to find a way out of here. I got out once before, or so I thought. It can稚 be impossible.

And I stood up. When I started walking, my clothing started to change again. The brown remnants of my dress began to fade to a pale gold color. As I continued walking, tulle started to emerge, along with long pieces of more pale gold silk. The skirt kept growing and became fluffier the further I walked. It grew and grew until it wound down around my legs, leaving a short train behind me. My hair had also grown down to reach the back of my thighs. I don稚 think I致e worn such a beautiful dress before.

迭enewal, a voice whispered into the wind, breathlessly.

The wild doesn稚 want me to be lost. It is in my head where the wars are waged. Only there can they be won.
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Old 8th November 2017, 8:19 AM   #622
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Beautiful Mess...

I awoke in the mountains. Palm trees and birds hovered over me. Yellow birds, red birds, tropical birds. They chirped in their singsong tones.

The sun was hot and the air was thick with moisture. I stood up to begin my trek for the day, as always, trying to find a way out of the wild. I wasn稚 sure why the wilderness was so different this time.

The greens were the greenest I致e ever seen. The blue skies boasted big, pillowy clouds it seemed I could walk on if I could only reach. And so I hiked.

My pale gold gown blew with each light gust of air. I worked my way up a pass through the mountains, stopping at a stream for the best drinking water I致e ever had. My hair began to get wavy against the humidity.

Walking along and listening to such beautiful nature was very calming for me. It centered me to be so close to it. To take it all in. It was almost too much to handle. But I continued on, passing snakes, frogs, more beautiful parrots.

And then I came to a beach full of white sands. As far as the eye could see, tucked away in a cove. Here, I could see the mountains surrounding me. I could see through the water. And on my left there was an abandoned boat.

I walked over to it and pushed it into the ocean. There was something I had to see; something I didn稚 know about.

The saltiest water splashed on my face, all over my dress, and wet my hair. Still, I pushed out to sea and hopped into the boat.

Floating there, in the deep waters, although I知 trapped in paradise, there痴 something to be found. I don稚 think it痴 escape. It may be myself. What I want in life. I have a few days left to figure it out.
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Old 15th November 2017, 11:13 PM   #623
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Sew Me Up...

Good morning. Good night. Hello. Goodbye. No. Maybe. Yes. Okay. Cool. Sure. Awesome.

I don稚 remember feeling like someone cares about me. I thought I壇 know it when I saw it. I thought I壇 feel something. It would click. And I just realized last night it痴 been years since someone has liked me. It痴 been years since a member of the opposite sex has actually wanted to know me.

Last night, believe me when I tell you, that all changed.

And I知 not sure what to say. I don稚 know what will happen with this either.

Yes, it痴 the guy I spoke about previously. I was so resistant to him at first. Then it became all about him doing online dating. Then it became about letting that go. Breathe. Let it air out. Let it develop.

Then, he left for Canada. I left for Trinidad. I hadn稚 heard from him in a week while he was away. And then I heard from him when he got back to the states. I was expecting him to disappear like so many before him.

He didn稚. He just didn稚 have service in Canada and he didn稚 download the app I suggested until he got back. I was on the brink of kicking him to the curb when he finally appeared, but I called him and I instantly missed him. I missed my country. I missed talking to him. I wanted him.

It turned out that he doesn稚 want me sleeping with other people. I told him the same. We talked about our trips and I shared with him how afraid I was of the plane rides I took.

We told each other we missed the other. And I felt his absence.

We planned on seeing each other all day on Sunday upon my return, but fate had other plans when I missed my connecting flight. I was temporarily stranded for the entire night, only to find myself in my car doing 90 on the way home, 12 hours later than I planned, wanting to see him and salvage our busted up plans.

I pulled up to his house after cleaning up and unpacking at home around 3. The first hug and kiss was long, longer than I expected and sweeter than I had imagined. It was evident that we did, indeed, miss each other.

There痴 a trend I知 noticing with him. It is unraveling slowly. I get pieces of him here and there. But it痴 always more than the last time. It took him forever to make me laugh. When he did, he brought tears to my eyes. It took him forever to tuck my hair behind my ears and run his hand down my neck. But he did, and it sent shivers down my spine. And now he reaches for me and holds me. He kisses me all the time. And... I enjoy this but I知 afraid to let go and give into my feelings. So I haven稚. I remain a statue in regards to feelings.

Yesterday, however, he asked if I wanted to see a movie. I agreed to it. He told me to come by after work. He said he was going to make pasta. This is really sad, but I interpreted that as him telling me to get something to eat before I came over. It turns out, he was cooking for us.

I arrived after work and he had the table set with wine and wine glasses. The food was delicious. We decided to not go out and instead watched a movie there while we tickled each other, laughed, kissed, and talked. It wasn稚 like all the other times though. It seemed deeper, almost? I知 not going to pretend I know the depth of anyone痴 feelings based on the way they look at me ever again. I致e been seriously mistaken before. And I知 pretty sure I知 mistaken again. Until I can be sure.

Even still, after we opened up to each other quite a bit last night, I left wondering...what are we doing really? Because he told me he likes me several times without prompting. He痴 touching me more. He admitted he痴 been happier since being with me.

And he痴 looking forward to me cooking for him on Friday. I thought he壇 cancel. I keep fearing the bottom will fall out somewhere. I知 trying to get my bearings. But he mentioned that he will be cleaning his house and doing his lawn on the days we aren稚 together so we could spend more time focusing on each other.

It痴 weird. I can稚 explain this at all. I just know that so far, despite driving my friends crazy, I知 here for it. That痴 all. It feels healthy so far. He treats me right. He痴 sweet and funny and fun. And he likes me. Right now. Anyway...
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Old 15th November 2017, 11:52 PM   #624
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Really hope it works out for you.
You deserve it.
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Old Yesterday, 12:02 PM   #625
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The Cab Theory...

2004: I was 17 years old. I met him at his job. He worked at a pet store. And he liked me, or so I thought, looking through my teenage eyes. We messed around a bit and I got attached. He was older than me by several years. I thought he was mature.

One night, something happened and I can稚 quite remember everything. I think he tried to break it off. I went to the bar he was at. I知 in my hometown now and could easily drive to it to see.

He came outside and met me in the parking lot. I was crying and extremely upset. He took my face in my hands and said, 添ou池e amazing. I really do like you but I知 not monogamous. He bought me a six pack and went inside to continue his night. I went home, called some friends, and drank my prize.

2006: We had just had sex. He seemed kind of upset about something after and I pressed for answers. He turned to me and told me he was in love with me. Although I don稚 miss him, that was the only time I believe someone did love me, looking back on it.

2013: We stood outside of a pizza shop next to our home. He told me I知 a great person. We launched into other discussions, but that was the last night we went out. The next day, he was gone.

2013-Present Day: I致e been told how awesome, amazing, and fantastically fantastic I am by many men. None of them really knew me. I worked hard at some of these relationships and some I barely cared about but everyone got their chance. At my expense. At a great cost to me. But I did these things just to know how it would turn out in the end. I致e gotten my validation that my feelings are accurate. I致e also been surprised a few times.

Let me rewind a bit, though, and tell the story of Frenchie. I never did talk about him much (at least I can稚 remember getting into it). He was here temporarily from France. And after spending a night with him, my feelings took off fast. He intrigued me. And like a big idiot, I thought I壇 marry the guy. I literally didn稚 say anything negative about him. I was the epitome of positivity. I was never unhappy. And I hardly saw him. Crazy? Yes, absolutely.

It turns out that I was totally wrong to get excited. It had just been so long that I went nuts over him. He told me he he wasn稚 going to be able to stay in this country and reduced everything down to sex. I happily accepted that. Saw him once more and then he went dark. I didn稚 contact him. A couple of weeks later, I got a message from him checking in with me asking how I was. I said I was great and suggested meeting up.

To my horror, he declined and told me he met someone else who was into threesomes. I flipped out and that was it. About a month later he texted to apologize for how he treated me. I accepted that.

And I decided to not date again after that. Like always.

If you don稚 seek it out, it won稚 always magically find you. So I tried again.

And here we are.

And I知 starting to feel upset again. That knot in my stomach is coming back. I知 just waiting for the quicksand to swallow me up and spit me out into the future. Because I know.

The Cab Theory states that a person isn稚 ready for commitment until he is. His cab light will turn on when he figures out he痴 ready. He will proceed to pick up the next passenger. And that痴 not going to be me.
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Old Yesterday, 8:29 PM   #626
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The Cabbie...

Things have been going really, really well for me...and Keanu (his requested name because he likes that movie). He wants to see my thread, and I know he can't do that. I've put some crazy stuff in here. Maybe I'll read him some things, and skim over others, or maybe he will never know.

I'm just lying to myself.

I wake up in the morning, put on my clothes to pretend I'm something I'm not. I put on my makeup to hide who I am. And then I stare in the mirror hoping to be the person I want to be. I just want to magically wake up and be someone I'm not. At my age, I know that the window is closing for that to happen. It also takes a lot of work.

I spent Friday night with Keanu and it was a great time. We really had a lot of fun playing around. I can't remember sharing that kind of closeness with someone in a long time and to utter these words is dangerous. Yes, dangerous. I sense danger and impending doom.

I ignore it though.

Until it slapped me in the face pretty hard.

You guys know I have an unhealthy position in favoring the negative. It cradles me and it keeps me safe. I hate everyone until I love them. And it is either pretty fast or unusually slow to the point where I lose interest. Or I start of liking someone and then they start doing things that make me hate them. It's a mix. And this thing with Keanu was definitely one of the messier ones.

The thing is that sometimes my heart feels so big that it might burst when I'm with him, and other times I squeeze it so forcefully to choke it back I can almost feel it wanting to explode in my chest. I just want to express my feelings and I want to be allowed to do that. And I never, ever am. No matter who I'm with. No matter what.

I am not allowed to express my feelings. Because that means I lose people. And I'm so tired of that. But if I don't then nobody will ever know, so I do that here.

We stood in his garage and the words danced in my mind. And then they danced off my tongue into the air. There was no going back.

"Are you sleeping with anyone else or do you plan to?" I asked.

"No," he said and looked puzzled. "I'm not looking to dive into anything super serious right now though. I thought you wanted the same thing? I'm not stringing you along here, but I want to take things slow. Not so slow that it feels like it's not going anywhere, though."

I explained my position, "I'm not in a place right now to support a relationship right now, but I DO want a relationship."

"I want one too," he said.

There was more, but that was the highlight. And that was when I knew I was the passenger in the cab. Again.

Although it shouldn't have, it did some damage. We managed to pull it together for the rest of the evening and pretend like it didn't happen, but the truth is, it did. And I'm not even sure if it's over yet.

He doesn't know that though. And he never will. He will never read this. He will never know. He probably won't even last through the end of the year, although I'll try because I like him.

What I wanted to tell him was this:

I want to matter to someone.
I want someone to fall in love with me and love me as much as I love him.
I want to be happy and comfortable.
I want to live in love and beauty.
I want someone who knows this and is willing to give this to me everyday.

To me, what he told me was he doesn't want me. I'm just good enough right now until he finds what he's really looking for. It just ain't me.

He's gone for a week now. I'll grit my teeth and bear it. Maybe bring some games into this equation because it won't hurt anything. Pretend I'm off doing other things. Be a little bit more interesting. Don't be so available.

I woke up this morning and put my clothes on, pretending to be something I'm not. I put my makeup on to hide who I am. And then I stared in the mirror, hoping to morph into what somebody else might want. I had to leave, though, and so I hailed a cab. The light was on. I didn't know where to stop so I told him to keep driving. I'm waiting to get out for the next passenger.

I pulled out my phone and wrote, "I hope to see you again."

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