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Broken heart hurts so bad

Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 6th February 2017, 9:49 PM   #1
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Broken heart hurts so bad

HI everyone,
First post here. I'm where most of us are.
Hurt, scared, sad, angry, everything!

I've done all the 'right' things. Blocked him everywhere. Deleted his # and all forms of contact.

I'm ready to power through this but I guess I just wanted to introduce myself. I really need a support system from people in the trenches like me.

I know it's over. I know it's for the best (btw, he's a great guy, no cheating or abuse or anything like that) we're just want different things, I guess. We've both cried together and told each other we will always love one another.

Just hurts so much! I'm crying as I write and been having anxiety attacks all day. I have that gut feeling he's met someone. I'll never go looking for proof! That would be even worse.

Breakup has been about a month. Been together a year.

Hardcover NC started today. I'm ready but I'm so terrified of the pain I'm in for. I just want to face this head on so I can heal even though right now the pain is almost unbearable.
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Old 6th February 2017, 10:24 PM   #2
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Feel it all. Cry until you're tired of crying, scream, punch a bag, etc.
You'll feel like you don't want to do these things but for some reason you can't control them. Just go through all of it. The pain is necessary and important. It shows that you're human.
You will reach a point where you can finally breathe properly and think a little bit clearer. This is when you start to let go. You will let go slowly and heal at the same time. It's gonna take some time. But you will make progress everyday. Some days you will regress, some days you will progress and that's totally normal. Eventually, you will regain strength, self worth/esteem and all the things you thought you've lost.
Spend time with close friends, talk to them, talk to people here, go out and do things, do/learn new things, occupy yourself.
You're on day 1 of NC, it's gonna be a little tough this week. Always RESIST breaking NC. It is the best thing you can do for yourself.
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Old 6th February 2017, 10:36 PM   #3
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Lounat, Thank you so much for your words. I actually cried the whole time reading them. I'm feel so raw.
I'm positive I'll never break NC because I'm so scared of feeling even worse than I already do.

You're so right about feeling it all and experiencing all the emotions as that's the quickest way to heal ( I hope )
It would be so much easier to be in denial. I snooped around the 'second chances' forum and thought better of it.
Thanks again for your reply.
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Old 7th February 2017, 12:14 AM   #4
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Welcome, im ten months in post BU 9 months NC from being dumped and ghosted from a 5 year relationship. Still hurts every day. I guess moving on aint easy but, we have to just keep pushing forward because sooner or later it will be the past anyway.
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Old 7th February 2017, 2:31 AM   #5
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You'll find plenty of company on these forums, OP.

Write here. Use it as a journal of sorts. There's always someone online who will be reading and responding to your thoughts.

Brace for the ups and downs. Some days you'll feel great, others crappy. It's so cliche, but do make sure you get out once in a while and do things with friends. Or try new activities on your own. One thing I've always found therapeutic is to do a little solo travel. I have been both abroad alone (after the break-up of a long-term relationship) and on a weekend alone to a beautiful city nearby (after a road-bump in a relationship)

A change of scenery is wonderful, even if only for a few hours or days.
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Old 7th February 2017, 5:52 AM   #6
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Hi Crystal, I am so sorry you are going through this and I can definitely understand the pain. I am in the throes of my own heartbreak (she cheated and left me for him). I can only commend the other posters in this thread as they are completely on the money. You are not alone! And talking/writing/reading about it does help. Most of all, feel what you need to feel.

There is an alarming cult of positivity in western culture with regards to relationships and the heartbreak associated in them collapsing. “plenty more fish in the sea” etc are an example of this unhelpful mantra. As other’s have said, you need to feel everything and it’s important you do this. The only way you can tame an emotion is to make friends with it, instead of running or drowning in it, just let the emotion BE. Think about it like leaning into a strong wind where you neither letting it blow you back but you are not running against it either.

You will go through a gauntlet of emotions and I wish I could tell you it will be easy. It won’t be and will likely be one of/if not the hardest experience of your life. You will cry, suffer, scream, question and yell and it will happen in no logical way or order. That empty space in bed next to you will seem like a casm and everything you do will remind you of them. But! It does get easier I promise. The lows will still hit you like a freight train, but the time between those moments will be longer and less chaotic, that empty casm in bed next to you will begin to feel less imposing and you will begin to own it again. Most of all, you will start to heal properly. See friends and talk to them (mine literally dragged me through the first month) and find new hobbies, or kindle those you may have lost. One of the phases you will experience (and I am there now I think) is a deep sadness, although you may on occasion have a few moments of anger or grief sadness will become a dominant emotion. Sadness whilst unpleasant in many ways is also a very beautiful emotion as it allows you to experience the world as it should be. i.e. everything has meaning. Most of all THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL during the process of healing. Use this time as a rare insight into the world as a whole and although we are broken during this time, we are in that rare situation that although we are hurting, a many great things can also affect us in a positive way.

I am 11 weeks into my own heartbreak and the first 6 weeks were a living hell, but I made it and you will as well. I still miss her every single day and I probably always will in some way, but I am cautiously positive about the future as I know I will happy again. Essentially, healing ourselves also the ideal time to gain a better outlook on life. I joined a gym, reconnected with old friends, adopted a cat and started writing crappy quote/poetry. The writing was incredibly helpful and looking back on what I was writing earlier is interesting to what I am writing now.

I wish you all the love and happiness in the world Crystal and remember that you will be happy again, but for now be kind to yourself and take your time in healing. YOU GOT THIS!

Last edited by Cornelius_Smiff; 7th February 2017 at 5:55 AM..
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Old 7th February 2017, 6:04 AM   #7
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So sorry you have to go through his, Crystal. Bear in mind we are a community and you get all the support you need here.

Two months ago I was in the same situation and as much as I tell myself that I am better, I still do think and long for him to some extent. But indeed, it gets better. I can only agree with the previous posts, you need to get out, breath in and out and day by day, the pain and loss diminish. What's left may be nostalgia but you will gain so much strength and self-awareness for your life and that keeps me moving forward in a positive light.

Try as tough and hard it may be to focus on yourself and not on him. You are on the right track to block him but try not to break NC. I have broken it twice and this time, I already reached an amount of days I have never come across and this small victory really make my day.

You are strong and will manage, and at the end of the road, there will be happiness again!
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Old 7th February 2017, 8:52 AM   #8
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Thank you all so much for your replies even though I cried reading them all. I guess that's a good thing? ? I'm accepting the loss and I refuse to entertain the thought that we'll be together again.

I just woke up and it hit me all over again. For 2 seconds upon waking I forgot and then it hit me like a train. That sick feeling in my heart. The heaviness in my chest. I'm feeling so terrified. Eating seems unlikely today. I can barely swallow.

Thank you again for the replies. Helps this nightmare seem a little more bearable.
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Old 7th February 2017, 9:19 AM   #9
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Also, wanted to mention I deleted all his texts, pictures and got rid of everything that could be a potential trigger. There's no way I can listen to music right now and even watch certain tv programs. I'm so scared of the triggers I can't control.
It's coming in huge waves of loss and extreme sadness.
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Old 7th February 2017, 10:38 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Crystal1111 View Post
Also, wanted to mention I deleted all his texts, pictures and got rid of everything that could be a potential trigger. There's no way I can listen to music right now and even watch certain tv programs. I'm so scared of the triggers I can't control.
It's coming in huge waves of loss and extreme sadness.
I also got rid of pictures etc from Facebook and had to ghost alot of mutual friends/family members. It hurt like hell but I had no choice. All the photos of us are now gone but they are where they belong, in my heart and in my head. Th

What I will say is, try not to avoid too many things in the long run as this may be preventing you from enjoying things you used to like doing . I had a few things I thought I'd never be able to do/watch again and weirdly it wasn't too bad after the initial WTF moment. But take your time with this and do it when you feel ready.

The waves are completely normal and unfortunately they happen when they happen. Think about it like being on your own ship in a storm, those waves are going to crash you and torment you and occasionally try to capsize you. But remember, although the waves will still come, it will get longer between each hit and the waters will calm enough for you to steer the ship to a new horizon. You are the captain of your own soul

You sound just like me in the first few weeks. I didn't/couldn't eat/sleep properly and my self esteem was shot (and still sort of is). Again all completely normal, I even lost 10 pounds in the first 2 weeks and then decided to join a Gym. I am down 24 pounds in 10 weeks.

Itís okay to cry and rage and punch the wall in frustration (though I wouldnít advise the last one), the one thing you must never do is start being hard on yourself or blaming yourself. What has happened has happened and nothing can change it, you just need to take care of yourself now.

Each day you go through this, you are a hero and you should pat yourself on the back. What you are experiencing is very brave and you are incredibly courageous in doing the NC thing. Remember as always, we are all a community here going through the same or similar problems and we are just a message away if you need to vent/ask advice even if itís the same thing over and over again.
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Old 7th February 2017, 6:50 PM   #11
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Thank you for the replies. It helps so much when people share.
I made it through the day. I actually couldn't wait to finish work so I could go cry, even though I was grateful for the distraction. Couldn't eat. Music is currently the enemy but I'm going to power through.
Thanks again for the support! It really means alot!
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Old 7th February 2017, 7:21 PM   #12
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The pain and emotions you currently feel will subside. As will the burden, the self-doubt and pessimism. How do I know that? because I've been through it myself. People will say 'It's personal preference', however we're all humans and we all suffer the same hardships and heartbreaks, as well do we experience the same joys and happiness that life can offer us.

With what you feel at this present time, is something that you should actually cherish. As hard and as difficult as it may be to currently endure, it will be your stepping stone; your guidance if you will. It will be a reminder of when you were at your lowest point, and how you managed to persevere and sustain yourself.

Heartbreak is something that is very sincere (ironically). But some time from now, you will look back on this and you will feel no emotion nor burden of it. Fulfillment within yourself is what you should seek, and a perpetual amount of future happiness.

You will get there, as like a majority of us have. Continue on, your journey has only just begun.

"You can't beat death, but you can beat death in life." - Charles Bukowski, The Laughing Heart.
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Old 7th February 2017, 8:06 PM   #13
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Ripped apart by differences

Hello again my new friends,
Wasn't sure if I should post this on my other thread but I realized I didn't really tell my story (I was such a wreck yesterday) so this is really just a post about what happened and a little more insight.

I'm 45. He's 55. Not one of our differences.

Trying to keep this short.

We both work very hard and have good jobs.
That being said,
I'm over and done with my party years, he likes to go out to bars and golf. (When I say golf, I mean every single day weather permitting) not exaggerating.

I enjoy my own company, he can't stand being alone.

He lives in the same house he grew up in and hangs out at the same places with the same people.
I've lived in 4 different states and who knows, maybe I'll live in another.

He's very much into Facebook and social media, has over 1,300 friends, where as I have a little over 100 and I know them all. Facebook is very important to him and it's always a really big deal to him how the world perceives him, where as I use it to stay in touch with friends. I don't really care about being 'popular' or whatever. He will actually position a beer can in his pics so it's 'just right' whereas, I don't really think about those things.

I once tagged him in a pic that I thought was cute. He fell asleep and I painted his toenails red. He was pretty mad and made me take it down because he was worried about all his 'friends' seeing his 'ugly' toes. I thought his toes were adorable btw, I also tagged him once when I made him a pie (I'm a great cook) his response was 'my friends are going to give me so much crap about that'
That really hurt my feelings.

I used to tease him that I was too old for him because he's like a teenage girl with fb. He always had his phone out. I put my phone away with him only because I thought that was kinda rude.

He's also very much into watching all sports. I'm just a football girl.

I would rather go camping or go to museums, he likes to go to bars. Seriously, I asked him to go camping last summer and there was always a golf event or a party that he absolutely HAS to go to or all his friends will be so dissapointed. I honestly don't think he could go a whole weekend without Facebook or golf.

He's a creature of habit, I guess. I'm more up for trying new things and meeting new people.

I absolutely DO NOT want him to give up the things he loves or change his ways. He works very hard and he has every right to golf at every free moment and go out with his friends. (I was always invited but, like I said, sitting on a barstool is just not my thing anymore ) In my eyes, he lives like a man in his twenties but that's his choice. He's not hurting anyone. (Except me) he spreads his love so thin and I always felt like I got the 'leftovers'

Anyway, we are very different in so many ways.
Neither of us wanted this breakup and our hearts have both been through the ringer.
If you asked him, he would say I broke his heart.

I feel bad writing this and actually started crying again. He's not at all a jerk.

He's a people pleaser and just wants everyone to be happy. He doesn't hurt anyone and is a really nice guy, which I always loved. He doesn't have that tough guy attitude. He's very caring and not afraid to show it.
He's not the smartest guy ever but he has a heart of gold.

I'm not perfect by any means and I take full responsibility for my part in the demise of our relationship. I would feel hurt and neglected and said some things I regret.

I guess my whole point in sharing this, is I ended it because I don't want him to resent me someday. I've tried talking to him about this so many times. He doesn't see the problem.

I guess that's it. I felt neglected and taken for granted and tried so hard to talk to him but always got a 'you hear what you want to hear' or 'you took it wrong'
Pretty much shut down when I tried to talk to him.

I could never seem to explain this to him.

Anyway, they say opposites attract but, not in my case.
The saddest thing is he thinks I broke his heart. Makes me so sad because I really didn't want to. My heart is broken too. I love him so much!
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Old 7th February 2017, 8:18 PM   #14
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You guys are so awesome! Thank you so much! ♡♡♡♡♡
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Old 7th February 2017, 9:04 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by Crystal1111 View Post
The saddest thing is he thinks I broke his heart.
Well you dumped him, so you probably did. But I know this must be really hard for you. Even though you were the one who ended it, you don't seem like a malicious person. I've been there too. It's very, very difficult to end a relationship if you actually love the other person. I hope you can both heal and also learn from this. Some people are just not compatible in the long run.
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