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Micke81's Journal

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Where are we now?

Well, it's been 4 months since John went home. Where I really am is not very far from where I started, and I feel that in itself is a horrible sign.   Here are the high points of the last 2 months:   1. John and Charlotte are still dating.   2. John tells me he loves her.   3. John finds out that he will be back in my city for work about 1 month from now, and that Charlotte completely trusts him and has no problem with it as long as he doesn't stay with Bob and I (which of course would

Micke81

Micke81

I hate my life

I'm feeling ultra-depressed tonight. I had such a good week last week, but today is terrible. I want out. I want out of everything.

Micke81

Micke81

Sleepless

This has been one hell of a week as far as my progress has gone. Really, it's just taken a major beating. Let's recall:   1. Monday night I have a freaky dream about John and Charlotte, that puts me back quite a ways.   2. Tuesday I'm feeling off all day and then stupidly decide to tell John about my dream. John proceeds to tell me he doesn't think he's in love with Charlotte and that if his recent feelings of blankness don't subside, he's going to end it.   3. Wednesday I don't talk to

Micke81

Micke81

Drama queen?

Is that what I am? Is it a constant need for validation? I mean, obviously something is wrong with me. Maybe I'm just bored.   I told John about my dream. He was working late last night which he doesn't normally do now that he's dating his new gf. Anyway, I told him I would let him work as I know he really likes to work and hasn't got the chance to lately. He said he wanted to chat, so we did.   He told me he has been depressed the last two days because he thought he was falling in l

Micke81

Micke81

Dreams :-(

Last night I had a dream about John and his new gf. I don't remember all the details but I know I was talking to the new gf and being honest about my feelings for John and at the same time telling her I had no intentions of interfering in their relationship. In my dream it went really well and it looked like the two of us would become friends. In fact, I think we hugged at some point. Then I asked her if she minded if I talked to John alone for a minute. She said, "Yes. In fact I do mind."

Micke81

Micke81

Valentine's Day

It sucked. Both Hubby and I have been sick, so I guess that's the main excuse. But I'm still frustrated. I've been stuck at home and so yesterday I didn't have a chance to get anything for my husband. I was worried because I had made it very very clear that I needed more romance in our relationship so I figured Bob would have something for me and I wanted to make sure to return the favor.   So, I cleaned the house which was really bad and a chore we usually share. I also picked the trash o

Micke81

Micke81

Some progress...

Well, there has been some progress in my life. When I'm "with" Bob, I still think of John, but I'm able to be with Bob and enjoy myself. And let's face it, fantasizing about someone else is not exactly uncommon. No, not everybody does it and I don't do it ALL the time, but it's not like it's unheard of.   I still talk to John, about once every 2-3 days, but the conversations are shorter. I'm easing into the NC thing...ok, honestly I've got no intention of doing the NC thing anymore. The

Micke81

Micke81

Happy Thoughts...

My best gf and her husband are working things out, and she doesn't blame me at all. There is nothing cuter in the world than a sleeping dog that is dreaming and giving out those tiny "barks". Snuggling with my husband is a great past time. I've decided I hate my job. (Yes, this is a happy thought, because it means I don't have to feel so damn guilty about not being so productive.)

Micke81

Micke81

Twist...with lime

So, much has happened since my last journal entry, and yet...not much at all. I had a birthday and being slightly depressed felt like I really needed to see some old dear friends. So, H and I set out on a road trip taking us back to our previous city of residence. We stayed with a married couple whom we are very good friends with. In fact we were each the maid (matron) of honor in each other's weddings. During the weekend I confessed everything that I've said here to my girlfriend. She was

Micke81

Micke81

Angry

So, I was chatting with John and telling him how a mutual friend of ours joined a social network that we are both friends in. So, I went in and tagged her in a picture in which she, John, and Bob were all in (it was the best picture of her) so that she would have a picture on her page. John freaked out because I tagged the whole picture and it showed up on his site. And instead of telling me that it upset him, he basically ended the conversation. He said he was hungry and going to eat and th

Micke81

Micke81

I've got no willpower

Well, the deletion only lasted 24 hrs. I really have no willpower. In fact, John and I actually talked yesterday for an hour and a half. It was nice. Of course it was.   I am starting to think of him more of a friend. And he is starting to move on. He's got a date with someone Friday night. They've known each other just a couple months less than we've known each other. She knows about me. She knew before they decided to go on a date. It wasn't like he asked her out and then told her

Micke81

Micke81

Moving on

I deleted John from my instant messaging contacts today. And by today I mean just now. In the system that we use, he won't see that I've deleted him and hence still has the option of IMing me. And of course I will answer if he does, but it's time I stopped constantly checking to see if he is online and fighting the temptation to talk to him. My max is 2 hrs of knowing he is online and not IMing him. Even now I want to open the messenger and see if he is there (I know he is because he was th

Micke81

Micke81

The one good thing

In the long run, I do hope there will be more than one good thing. But, what I do know, is that Bob and I will make it to "till death do us part". I'm not going to leave him for John, and if I ever was going to leave him for someone, it would be for John. Of course Bob could still choose to leave me, but I highly doubt he ever will. He is not nor has ever been a "grass is greener" person. He's also the most loyal person I know. I guess all marriages go through their ups and downs. I belie

Micke81

Micke81

Feeling Better

Well, I'm feeling a bit better today. Each day it gets a bit easier, as can be expected. I still don't have any romantic or sexual feelings for my husband, but I'm finally at the point where I want to. I guess that is the first step.   I called John on his New Years, and it was a very nice conversation, but somehow it really seemed like a final conversation. I don't really know what I mean, we didn't talk about not speaking or it being final, but the time just seemed right for moving on

Micke81

Micke81

My Story...

Well, here it is. I've told portions before, but I don't really have questions anymore; besides most of the people who responded seem to think that my husband and I are morally corrupt. I still have a need to tell the story though. I don't have friends that I can tell, so this will be my outlet.   It starts in June 2007...I went overseas for 5 weeks for work. While I was there I met a man who I found extremely attractive, both physically and mentally. Because my husband and I have/had su

Micke81

Micke81

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