Author CATENZA Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 I can't understand as to why at the end after all said and done, I am the one who is going to feel and stay betrayed! When I did nothing wrong... Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 I have been following this thread and you have gotten a lot of good advice. I just can't help but wonder though. You say that you still have the dirty clothes from that night with the smell. Why did you preserve them? What was the thinking there? It just seems a little disturbing to me that you would want to keep these dirty clothes as a reminder or whatever. I just hope that whatever you do you stay grounded and try to deal with this appropriately. I am a little concerned about your state though, I must admit. Have you considered seeking help with this from a professional? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 Hi Krytellan... What happened was the following morning, my husband was going to put on his fleece pull over sweater and I guess he finally smelled the perfume on it so he took that and the jeans from the hamper and put it in the wash machine. He didn't wash them he just placed it in there. I took them out and placed them in a garbage bag. I wasn't gonna wash his clothes I was going to throw them out. But then I said let me save them so I can remind myself of what he did and also have evidence when we discuss the matter. Mens stories always change! As time is going by, I am debating if I should throw them out. As per seeking perfessional help.. I do believe I may need it to get over it. Especially with my pregnancy. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 I mean, the logic seems valid on the surface. I'm just concerned that this is in the process of sending you over the edge, and I don't want that to happen. You know, it's one thing to take the matter seriously and address it, but it's another to let it consume you. -It's something he has done before -It wasn't premeditated -You being pregnant was not going through his mind at the time (99% sure) -It was not a sign of lack of love for you (based on what I have experienced in the matter) Yes he lied to you, and that's never acceptable. Just be rational is all. Don't let it become bigger than it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 I just can't believe he did that to me. I really never expected my own husband to hurt me the way he did. I may sound stupid and maybe over reacting, but I can't help feeling this way. I feel like i don't know him anymore. And now I begin to question all the other times he went "out for a drink". This time he got caught because he smelled like the perfume. Funny thing is that he didn't smell a thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Sevenmack Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Why did Catenza's husband lie to her? Probably because he was afraid of how she was going to react. And guess what? Her reaction to him hiding the facts about his lapdance -- along with the fact that he got one -- proves that point. Here's a reality: A lapdance isn't a sign of infideility and it isn't a sign that he's having sex with other women. Strippers, for one, are simply in the business of tantalizing men for money; when it's all over, she's got his cash and he's got, well, masturbated. The entire exercise is in my opinion, a waste of money and time; you can get the same thing from your wife or from using your hand. But he's Should he have been honest about the entire matter? Certainly. And he should have let the chips fall where they were going to go; Catenza will either get upset, demand he never do it again or get upset, realize that she's overreacting and let him off the hook, but make sure he informs her of a trip to the strip joint beforehand. Either way, the lack of trust wouldn't be an additional factor; she can't be justified in distrusting him if he doesn't arouse her suspicions. At the same time, however, Catenza needs to look at the lapdance for what it is: A simple exercise in enjoyment and little more. He's not cheating and no stripper wants him. She has to let go of the jealousy. And he needs to get his act together and just be upfront. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 Hi Sevenmack... I can understand your views but some don't make sense to me. If my husband knew my reaction wasn't going to be a happy one, why go to the strip joint. He has gone to Strip Joints before at bachlor parties which I knew a head of time and it didn't bother me. If he thought that night that it wasn't going to bother me why Lie. The real reality of it is that there is 2 people that make a relationship work. If I feel that what he did is infidelity.. then it is. I'm really trying to convince myself that it isn't for the sake of our marriage and children. If I went out and gave another man a BJ, i don't think its cheating would my husband? OF COURSE! Its a matter of opinion. This has put me in a completely different state of mind.. Now my husband will never go to a bachlor party with my approval and also have a big issue with me when he tells me hes going "out for a drink" or comes home late. I really don't want to be like this and have no trust in him. But this is what he created! Unfortunately, Its going to take a while for me to get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
kbah Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Cantenza, I followed the thread and I agree that all these factors would play a part in my trust in the relationship. It is odd to me that he lied to you even when he never had to lie before about the lap dances. However, I do not feel it is fair to now call his actions infidelity when you never have labeled them in this way before. (providing he insists and you believe it was only a lap dance) You have always given him permission to go to Bachelor parties, knowing well strippers/lap dances would play a part. If you can find the strength to talk to him without the overflood of emotion and you can find it in yourself to believe him that his actions were innocent, then I think you should do just that. BUT he does need to make up for the fact that he LIED. He probably did feel guilty because you were pregnant, and he LIED. That is wrong, so he needs to make up for that. And you should tell him that it is HIS job to fix this and win back your trust. I am not comfortable with that whole scene and I have asked my SO not to participate in lap dances. That is my choice and he chooses to respect this wish and we all are happy! Hope that helped:) On another note, congratualtions on your new child on the way!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 I just wish he never came home smelling like perfume!! I would of never known!! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Why did Catenza's husband lie to her? Probably because he was afraid of how she was going to react. And guess what? Her reaction to him hiding the facts about his lapdance -- along with the fact that he got one -- proves that point. Here's a reality: A lapdance isn't a sign of infideility and it isn't a sign that he's having sex with other women. Strippers, for one, are simply in the business of tantalizing men for money; when it's all over, she's got his cash and he's got, well, masturbated. The entire exercise is in my opinion, a waste of money and time; you can get the same thing from your wife or from using your hand. But he's Should he have been honest about the entire matter? Certainly. And he should have let the chips fall where they were going to go; Catenza will either get upset, demand he never do it again or get upset, realize that she's overreacting and let him off the hook, but make sure he informs her of a trip to the strip joint beforehand. Either way, the lack of trust wouldn't be an additional factor; she can't be justified in distrusting him if he doesn't arouse her suspicions. At the same time, however, Catenza needs to look at the lapdance for what it is: A simple exercise in enjoyment and little more. He's not cheating and no stripper wants him. She has to let go of the jealousy. And he needs to get his act together and just be upfront. Here is another reality for you. To some (whether the op feels this way or not I couldn't tell) a lap dance is a disgusting sign of disrespect and is cheating. Strippers are disgusting as are the men who go see them. However for whatever reason some women think this behavior is ok in a relationship. If she has a problem with him doing this he needs to never go to anothe rstrip club. He is cheating if the OP feels he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 I just can't believe he did that to me. I really never expected my own husband to hurt me the way he did. I may sound stupid and maybe over reacting, but I can't help feeling this way. I am probably the biggest biatch in the world for saying this, but you CAN help the way you feel, and I cannot believe your overreacting to the extent you are given the circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 Hi Star Gazer.. Your right... You are the biggest Biatch!! LOL just kidding... everyones opinion matters. In what way do u think I am overreacting? Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 So when are you going to talk to your H about this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 My husband works late... we are in the restaurant business. Tonight he comes home about 11:30pm.. Hopefully! Link to post Share on other sites
littlepiggy1 Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 I can understand your views but some don't make sense to me. If my husband knew my reaction wasn't going to be a happy one, why go to the strip joint. He has gone to Strip Joints before at bachlor parties which I knew a head of time and it didn't bother me. If he thought that night that it wasn't going to bother me why Lie. It probably wasn't something which was planned. I've been "out with the guys" before and wound up at a strip club. The fact that you've let him before probably wasn't enough to discourage him this time, while at the same time, the fact that he knew you were less likely approve this time caused him to lie about it. The real reality of it is that there is 2 people that make a relationship work. If I feel that what he did is infidelity.. then it is. I'm really trying to convince myself that it isn't for the sake of our marriage and children. If I went out and gave another man a BJ, i don't think its cheating would my husband? OF COURSE! Its a matter of opinion. Like kbah said, it's not entirely fair to label this instance as infidelity when you've permitted this behavior in the past. This has put me in a completely different state of mind.. Now my husband will never go to a bachlor party with my approval and also have a big issue with me when he tells me hes going "out for a drink" or comes home late. I really don't want to be like this and have no trust in him. But this is what he created! Unfortunately, Its going to take a while for me to get over it. Indeed it will. But you need to start: a) Throw the pants away b) Talk to him; cry if you have to c) Seek professional counseling d) Visit a male strip club Wait, scratch that last one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 I hate this... I am so confused. I hate that I have it in my head that this isn't the first time he did it. It's just the first time I caught him. Am I the degenerate not seeing the signs? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 Just an update on my saga... No communication yet. Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Has he tried talking to you about it or are you both ignoring each other? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 He has tried to talk to me about it. But As soon as he starts speaking tears come to my eyes and I tell him to leave me alone. He does try talking to me, like asking me if I want to eat or something to drink, etc. Tonight is a late night at work for him.. So I guess we will see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 I think my issue with him would be first the lying and second not knowing if this a regular thing. It's kind of hard to know because he had the all go to do it before. And to make it worse if you didn't smelled the perfume then you might not have known about it and it's possible that he would still be doing it. That's if it's a regular thing. If it's not a regular thing then I would probably forgive him but I would still wonder what he does when he goes out. Sorry that probably wasn't much help but thought I'd throw that out there. Also I was wondering, how's everything else going between you two? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 I don't believe its a regular thing. He might of done it once before and I never found out but I don't think he goes all the time. He told me the night it happened it was the first time he's done it other than a bachlor party and I know he didn't have it planned either. Everything between us is perfectly fine. All i keep thinking about was that day.. Everything was perfectly fine. I guess thats why it hurts so much. It came out of left field. Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 I don't believe its a regular thing. He might of done it once before and I never found out but I don't think he goes all the time. He told me the night it happened it was the first time he's done it other than a bachlor party and I know he didn't have it planned either. Everything between us is perfectly fine. All i keep thinking about was that day.. Everything was perfectly fine. I guess thats why it hurts so much. It came out of left field. Dwelling on it isn't going to help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 10, 2007 Author Share Posted February 10, 2007 Yes, it seriously needs to be discussed and resolved. I'm miserable.... Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 Yes, it seriously needs to be discussed and resolved. I'm miserable.... Then you know what to do don't you? TALK! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CATENZA Posted February 10, 2007 Author Share Posted February 10, 2007 I know...but i don't know how to start it up. I'm waiting for him... Link to post Share on other sites
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