Wanted divorce, wife changed ways

[empty906]

I got all reminiscent and dug this old thread back out of the pile. Got a lot on my mind a thought I would do a "Where Are They Now?" kinda thing.

 

So we left off with me making plans to walk away from OW and rekindle things with W. One year later I am here still with W. OW is a memory, we have no communication whatsoever. W and I have a new baby on the way. A new house, a new job, and a new perspective.

 

W and I still do not say, "I love you" to each other. We do things together, we watch tv, we sit close, but that's about as far as our "love" carries us. She still takes comfort in the security I provide, I like having a new baby on the way. We are more like friends w/ benefits than H and W. And I think it is better this way, for us.

 

We don't fight except a few tiny ones. I don't expect much and she doesn't either. The surface disappointments are almost none. We know what is really going on but refuse to call it what it is, things are just left unsaid.

 

Many things are left unsaid. But for those believing that if you do the steps the love will return can know, not always. It isn't here still, one year later.

 

So what's our future? No "I love you"s? No "Forever"s? Can we maintain? Maybe so. Why not?

[whichwayisup]

Congrats on the baby...

 

The no "I love you's" and real intimate moments that aren't going on isn't a good thing. There's a definate wall up between you and it seems you're both terrified to open up and talk it out.

 

Did you two ever do counselling together?

 

Do you want to say I love you to her? If you said it, would you mean it? I just worry for your child, not to see mommy and daddy happy together, affectionate and loving. You two need to bond so I really hope that baby brings out the love that's been buried..

[jmargel]

Have you two been to marriage counseling? Keeping this repressed is going to continue to have problems. I have a feeling you will be back on here telling us she cheated on you. But is it really cheating when you two are living like this?

 

How would you feel if she came upto you and told you she is having feelings for someone else? Does your wife know about this OW? What you did was cheat on her. Emotional cheating is just as bad as physical. I just read alot of excuses when it came to this.

 

You two have alot of issues to get through. Who I feel for the most is your son. How could you put your son through all of this? You do not think he knows about what is going on now? Don't be so naive. I can guarantee this son of yours is going to have really bad emotional problems in a few years unless you get your ass in gear and get things sorted out.

[cj1988]

I just read your original post and you sound just like me and my H.....I do believe that he is not in love with me after one year of my trying and him being "just there"

 

Sadly enough it just does not come back sometimes and I am ok with that, but not him living with me and telliing me he does. It is obvious he does not....why he does not want a D when I mention it quite often is beyond me. We are not even friends with benefits, he is no longer interested in kissing, touching, talking and especially sex.....so, I do understand.

 

We do not have small kids and none together after 13 years, so we can split easily. Good luck and try to see her for what she was in the beginning and not for what you saw during the hard times, it may come back !

[81West]

Empty, that all sounds so sad from my safe, unmarried perch. I still want to believe that if you choose well it doesn't always boil down in the end to a bunch of vague trade offs.

 

You've only got one life. I so hope you don't look back one day and realize it was the wrong thing, and that you had that information the whole time.

 

Take care, and let us know when your new little one arrives.

[empty906]

Congrats on the baby...

 

The no "I love you's" and real intimate moments that aren't going on isn't a good thing. There's a definate wall up between you and it seems you're both terrified to open up and talk it out.

 

Did you two ever do counselling together?

 

Do you want to say I love you to her? If you said it, would you mean it? I just worry for your child, not to see mommy and daddy happy together, affectionate and loving. You two need to bond so I really hope that baby brings out the love that's been buried..

Thanks, WWIU, no we never even discussed counseling. I wanted to D, she didn't, and then I used some of the advice from here to make a try at finding that love for her.

 

I grew up in a single parent home so I have no memory or concept of what it is like as a child to see your parents affectionate towards one another. My parents hate each other and the only time I have ever seen them together was at my wedding and then later at one of my son's birthday parties. So I am not sure about the message I am sending to my son. We seem to get along the same as all the other married couples we know. I think we put a good front up.

 

And, no, I do not want to say I love you. And I wouldn't mean it if I did. But that doesn't mean I am unkind towards her. It's just our marriage is more on a friend's level is all I can think of to describe it. She does not want out, at all. She has made that clear. So we go through the motions like there is nothing hiding in the closet.

[empty906]

You two have alot of issues to get through. Who I feel for the most is your son. How could you put your son through all of this? You do not think he knows about what is going on now? Don't be so naive. I can guarantee this son of yours is going to have really bad emotional problems in a few years unless you get your ass in gear and get things sorted out.

 

jmargel, W does like someone else but doesn't want to admit it. He is a friend. And it is awkward sometimes knowing this.

 

My W does not know about what all happened with OW but she does know her but I wouldn't say they were friends. They just know each other.

 

When you suggest I get my ass in gear and sort things out, what exactly are you thinking? From a year ago to now is a huge difference. A year ago I was wanting to get divorce papers now I am planning our future. We have both made sacrifices and have accepted our situation as better than a divorce. I went from hating her to spending quality time together. We have even begun praying with our son each night at bedtime.

 

I posted the "Where Are We Now" because I have been kinda down about the whole thing and wanted to vent a little. I have done things in the interest of finding that love my W once again but it has not come, even a year later. It is not me trying to be selfish or cowardly. My son and my wife want the three of us to stay a family. I am making this a family but it is just taking time to overcome the deep rooted problems that lie here.

[empty906]

cj1988, do you love him? You mention D often, when does that topic come up? Fights?

 

Why does he want to stay? Who knows. He has a strong reason, much stronger than your pushes towards the D. You may never know what it is exactly.

 

And maybe it just takes longer than a year. I don't know, I just know this isn't what I expected. So where do you go?

 

Here a some quotes from a movie that I think fit in well:

"Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing?"

 

"Easy doesn't enter into grown-up life"

 

"To get anything of value you have to sacrifice."

[empty906]

Thanks, 81West. You do only have one life. Live yours in a manner which will not leave you with regrets.

 

...a bunch of vague trade offs.

 

I haven't looked at it in that perspective. Vague trade-offs...that doesn't sound like the ingredients to making happiness.

[cj1988]

Empty, thank you and yes I love him very much. But, we are not friends, we are roomates and I am 41 and want and deseerve more than that from my so called H. He is very cold and very immature. He would rather hang with his friends then come home (been doing that for years) He holds massive grudges etc.....he says he is still IN LOVE with me and that has never been the question, but how is that possible if he does not SHOW it at all. He avoids sex, does not kiss, hug or touch me unless I touch him. He is nothing like he was for 11 years. I am finally what he wanted and now he does not want it. He wanted me to be more sexual, now he is not.

 

Yes, we do fight and it is basically about the lack of intimacy in our R now. Like I said, we have zero. He comes home, eats, watches TV and goes to bed. I just find it strange that a man that wanted it all the time, now does not. He said he is attratec to me, just not my mouth. I know he loves me, but not sure in what way. I do not want to be in love with someone and they do not feel the same. The little things are gone....he never tells me I look nice, his friends will, he just sits there. He said you know you are beautiful and have a good body, why do you need me to tell you that !

Because I do ! He is still jealous, but not the same as he was....he lost his wedding band and does not wear one. I finally took mine off because I do not feel married right now, he did not care ! That would have bothered him before as it does me. He wanted to marry me for 11 years, wore a ring when were not married for years, now nothing....I do not know what to do. He does not want out but acts as if he does not want to join in either. I guess he expects me to live this way, I cannot.....he knows I am not like that.....this all about control. I know that now......sorry, but I will be blunt. He got an erection looking at me when I was naked getting ready to go to bed. He stared, I know he wanted me...BUT, he did not touch me....he does it on purpose. He said our life has been all about what I want, so by god he could be horny as hell and I am still not going to get it if I WANT IT......it is a cruel game he will lose !

 

Sorry, had to vent I guess !

[jmargel]

jmargel, W does like someone else but doesn't want to admit it. He is a friend. And it is awkward sometimes knowing this.

 

My W does not know about what all happened with OW but she does know her but I wouldn't say they were friends. They just know each other.

 

When you suggest I get my ass in gear and sort things out, what exactly are you thinking? From a year ago to now is a huge difference. A year ago I was wanting to get divorce papers now I am planning our future. We have both made sacrifices and have accepted our situation as better than a divorce. I went from hating her to spending quality time together. We have even begun praying with our son each night at bedtime.

 

I posted the "Where Are We Now" because I have been kinda down about the whole thing and wanted to vent a little. I have done things in the interest of finding that love my W once again but it has not come, even a year later. It is not me trying to be selfish or cowardly. My son and my wife want the three of us to stay a family. I am making this a family but it is just taking time to overcome the deep rooted problems that lie here.

 

I mean coming clean with the situation you were in with this OW to your wife. And your wife coming clean to you about this OM. Because if you just keep hiding these secrets they will come out in other ways. You two both know something is up yet you keep quiet to not make waves. You sweep the issues under the carpet, just like you did prior to this OW. This what got you in this situation to begin with.

 

It's great you are making strides to try to get closer, but you have this huge obstacle in both your ways. Yes it will hurt that all of this is brought out, but honestly at this point it will help your relationship in the long run. Your relationship still has mistrust as a variable in this.

[empty906]

Empty, thank you and yes I love him very much. But, we are not friends, we are roomates and I am 41 and want and deseerve more than that from my so called H. He is very cold and very immature. He would rather hang with his friends then come home (been doing that for years) He holds massive grudges etc.....he says he is still IN LOVE with me and that has never been the question, but how is that possible if he does not SHOW it at all. He avoids sex, does not kiss, hug or touch me unless I touch him. He is nothing like he was for 11 years. I am finally what he wanted and now he does not want it. He wanted me to be more sexual, now he is not.

 

Any chance there is a certain female that resides in that group of friends? I know when I was all into the OW I transfered all my emotion and energy over to her. Nothing was there for my W when she reached out to me. My needs were met...

 

Hopefully this isn't your situation, just asking.

[empty906]

I mean coming clean with the situation you were in with this OW to your wife. And your wife coming clean to you about this OM. Because if you just keep hiding these secrets they will come out in other ways. You two both know something is up yet you keep quiet to not make waves. You sweep the issues under the carpet, just like you did prior to this OW. This what got you in this situation to begin with.

 

It's great you are making strides to try to get closer, but you have this huge obstacle in both your ways. Yes it will hurt that all of this is brought out, but honestly at this point it will help your relationship in the long run. Your relationship still has mistrust as a variable in this.

 

Come clean? Whoa!!! What a scary thought!! Man, I really, really don't ever want to open that Pandora's Box. I just think there are some things that are better left unsaid. I am an excellent secret holder. I can take it to my grave. I am very private outside of here, here I have a disguise to hide behind.

 

But you nailed it with this post. This is exactly what we are doing and from the looks of it we will never talk about it again. A couple of months ago something happened to some friends of our and later on we were discussing their situation. I told my W that she knew all about that (the particular situation) and she got a cold, stern look and said we weren't going to discuss that ever again. I said it taunting and she felt the need to stand her ground.

 

Bottom line for me, I still don't forgive her for what she did back in '06. It wasn't a single thing but a series of events. It devastated our entire family and I pulled away from her. I guess I feel she is getting away with her actions by my forgiving and forgetting.

[jmargel]

Like I said even though you can ignore the problem, it won't go away. It is something that needs to be dealt with, mainly because it is what drived this wedge between you two. If you want to become closer together as a couple, this needs to be resolved, so that the mistrust, the resentment can be repaired and the closure of those bad times can be given, allowing you two to move on with each other in a much better way.

 

I know it's hard advice to take, but now is the time to get everything out. Perhaps it's something you two can do in a marriage counseling session. I think you two both know it needs to come out, you are just afraid of rocking the boat anymore since it's been through so many storms.

 

I am sure you are very good at keeping secrets and good chance your wife is, but what way is that to live in a marriage? It's preventing you two to moving back upto the step you two once were at when you got married. If you two truly want a future together then you will get through it, provided you two face this obstacle together and reveal exactly what has gone on, with the both of you.

[cj1988]

Empty, No there is no OW in the crowd. He hangs out with his best friend in his mothers garage. They work on motorcycles and such. Only one around them female is his 16 year old sister and I know her quite well. She has a crush on my H, but that is all it is....seen that before with young girls. My H is good looking and they think he cool etc....but other than that, no others are around. Do you think the attention from the teenager, although innocent (She has a very bad heart condition and is like a daughter to me) may be making him feel strange or attracted to her....maybe I am just paranoid, but what if nothing is going on, but he is attracted to her in a weird way???? Like I said, I know she has a crush on him ( I can tell) but I would think he would not fuel that in anyway....first it is his best friends little sis, second the 2 brothers would KILL any guy that comes near her over 18....I am just freaky I guess.....I know he cares for her like we all do, she is very sick and he feels bad....

 

On a different note, he called me yesterday, very rare and wanted to just chat....for about 25 minutes....he was at home in the driveway watching the new snow.....when I got home, he asked if I wanted to go have a drink, we did and then went to his friends house (the above friend) for a minute and then went home. Well, when we got back he wanted me to sit in his truck and talk to him, about nothing again....THEN the conversation led to him getting sentimental on me and bringing up US and the hurt he still feels. Said that I took for granted all the little things he held close to his heart and that killed him (I have heard this every time he gets really tipsy) said that he is waiting for me to touch him, make some moves.....that was after he rejected me when I did for months now and said I was too pushy.....I said that and told him he gave me way to many mixed signals and now I do not want to do it and get hurt......we went in and I went to bed......he is so weird !

[littlekitty]

Okay, I haven't read the whole thread. I read the first page and the update, and I'm just like this....

 

IMO (and that's what I'm here to give) you should have stuck to your guns and followed through when you first dropped the D bomb over a year ago. You stayed for what? Out of pity for your wife and to be near your child. If you cared about your wife you should have followed through with the D. If it meant she moved away with your child you could have moved closer to where they were and kept up a relationship with him. You don't have the OW now, so what difference would it have made?

 

Now you are still in a loveless marriage, and making it worse by bringing another child in this loveless marriage. How is that helping any of you???!!!!

 

I'm just absolutely stunned. I can not for the life of me understand why you are still there and why you are doing this to your wife. You resent her, and you don't love her? What is she gaining? She can't really be happy with this situation. Yes a D would hurt her, but it would give you both the chance to find happiness in the long run.

 

My husband would move heaven and earth to be close to his son (my step son) but he would never have stayed in a loveless relationship thinking it was making his son's, his or his ex's life better.

 

She might not want out, that's fair enough. It doesn't mean it's the right or best thing for either of you. She's probably scared of being alone, scared of what the future would hold without you. But you staying and not loving her isn't a better solution. Neither is bringing another child into this mess you both seem to have created.

 

Am I being harsh? Perhaps.

 

But I suggest you seriously re-evaluate your situation. If you aren't going to get counselling and work through all the issues you clearly still have, if you can't and never will love each other, then you need to seriously consider ending this relationship.

 

Both your children can and would survive this. If you take the responsibility to continue to be a good father - and put them first.

 

Them growing up in a loveless marriage isn't the best thing for them. Perhaps you can testify to that yourself?