Wanted divorce, wife changed ways

[CaliGuy]

I have already stated that I am disconnected from my marriage. But getting divorce papers drawn up tomorrow morning that isn't automatically the best answer.

 

No because you want your son in your life. I understand but you're doing so at the cost of your wife's happiness as well. That's hardly fair to her since she is doing her part to repair things. You are doing nothing.

 

As for being infatuated with the OW, it is more than a fling or infatuation. In my heart, the OW and my W have swapped places. It is making a huge mess of things, obviously, and I am wanting to get advise from others who have been in the same situation to figure out my next course of action.

 

It's only making a mess of things because you are allowing it. Just reading your little goofy essay on how your interaction with her made you feel is enough for me, if I was a Counselor or Attorney, to tell your wife to file papers, pack up and move home.

 

Others who have been in this situation are giving you advice, you are just not listening to them. You are simply tuning out the advice you don't like or don't want to hear.

 

Will I blame the OW if our relationship fails? What do you mean by 'fail'? If we can no longer be together why would it be anyone's fault? No one would be blamed.

 

Well you seem to blame your wife for everything. You are taking very little blame nor are you doing anything positive to help resolve the situation. If you do end up with the OW and that fails, who will you blame then?

 

That's all I am saying. And the odds are, it will fail.

[Gunny376]

As long as you are infatuated with the OW, you will do nothing to save your marriage and you will only to perceive, wrongly so, that what she is doing is faking it when she very well could be honest. She loves you and is trying to do whatever she can to save the marriage.

 

If you aren't willing to do the same then you need to put away your selfish pride and grant her a divorce and let her move on with her life.

 

You are choosing this path. Delaying it by being wishy-washy isn't helping things in the slightest bit. You are being unfair to your marriage, to her and to yourself. Most especially to your son who most likely is smart enough to know something is wrong. He may not perceive exactly what is wrong but kids know when mom and dad are having problems.

 

What's it going to take to knock you off the top of the fence on onto one side or the other?

 

Because if you continue to act this way, she may indeed end up divorcing you. After all, she is doing everything she can to salvage the marriage and you are doing nothing but acting like a teenager with a crush towards the OW. And that is what is stopping you from doing what is right and just. Not your wife.

 

 

Rigetous Post! :cool: :cool: :cool:

[CaliGuy]

She will head out of state in a heartbeat. No doubt on that one. Her family is about 600 miles away. Believe me, if things get to an attorney's office I will fight her ugly and hard to keep my son. And I do not want my son to have to see that.

 

This is the crux of why you will not leave your wife.

 

It's not that she isn't trying, she is.

It's not the promise of the OW (after all, you know it would take years to develop)

 

It's your son.

 

Sorry fella. If you don't love your wife and you can't stand to be with her then you need to let her go. Yep, it's probably going to cost you time with your son.

 

But, that's the price you're going to have to pay if you do not earnest want to repair your marriage.

 

It's your choice but I suggest you do something soon. Your wife will not wait for you to come around forever and all you are doing is delaying the inevitable.

 

You may fight her tooth and nail but at best you'd get 50/50 custody. At worst, well, I think you know what the worst could be.

 

Tell me, what's worse for your son. Living in a house where his parents don't love each other or having to split time with two happy parents? Because right now if you aren't working on your marriage you aren't giving him the best enviroment to grow up in.

 

The examples you show him now will last the rest of his life. Think about that for a while.

[empty906]

It feels like we're in a dodgeball game waiting to get pelted. One of us is going to go its just a matter of time....LOL!

 

You cracked me up with that one, Dilly! A dodgeball game...

 

Hey, I opened myself up to it and it was expected. I could never expose myself like this in a public setting if I couldn't hide behind this shroud of anonymity. Anytime you show a weakness someone will strike at you. But I am still open for more POVs. All of it helps me.

 

The action must precede the feeling to do so!

 

You're right, Gunny. I am waiting to feel the love toward my wife (or find it). I am waiting to feel the OW by me again. I am waiting to feel like everything is going to be ok. Feel, feel, feel.

 

But the action you speak of, don't you have to have a plan? A practiced response? To act quickly like you are saying I think you have to have your mind made up before you get into the situation. You have already spent heart time thinking about what you are willing to do and when it is time to act your are prepared. I wasn't prepared, or didn't prepare if I could have.

 

So are you suggesting I make up my mind which woman I want and then act regardless of my feelings?

 

Sorry empty, I have to get into this one, you were way too nice. It just kills me that people can make such a blanket assumption about your actions when they have no experience whatsoever. ....You don't think any marriage can be that bad? Well, guess again.

 

Thanks for catching my back, Dilly. I think insomnie just really misunderstood what I have been trying to say. She had some preconceptions before she even started reading my post and I looked like I fit the bill. Maybe I do, but I am not naive enough to think I am the only one in a situation like this. Which, again, is why I am here.

[CaliGuy]

Whats that saying, you don't know someone unless you've walked a few miles in their mocassins.

 

I've heard alot of stories and advice from many people. We have someone that successfully maintained their marriage (Ladyjane) but I haven't heard the other side to the story. There has to be someone out there (Has to be alot actually) that took the step to divorce because of the OW and the result of it. Thats what i really want to know. No airmchair quarterbacking please!

 

Sorry empty, I can't give you any advice, I'm in the same boat. It feels like we're in a dodgeball game waiting to get pelted. One of us is going to go its just a matter of time....LOL!

 

Every situation is different. Those who have had success can not guarantee success for others if they follow the same path. Likewise, those who have failed can not guarantee failure. Everybody is unique and so is every situation.

 

All he can do is soak up the experiences of others and make the best decision for him. Whether that is divorce or reconciling, that is up to him.

 

And for the record, I am pro working to resolve the marriage but based on his comments I don't think he has it in his heart to try so why delay the inevitable? Let her go and be free to find someone who loves her, not someone who mistrusts her and over-analyzes her every move.

 

I wouldn't want to be in that situation. I d*mn sure would walk if I knew I was under a microscope as she is. That's no foundation for a successful marraige.

[CaliGuy]

WTF? I want sone of those drugs!

 

Amen, brother.

 

Amen.

[dilly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gunny376

WTF? I want sone of those drugs!

 

Amen, brother.

 

Amen.

Great, now you want to bring religion into this....

 

Gunny. i didn't strike a nerve with that P.O.W. camp bit did I?

[dilly]

Every situation is different. Those who have had success can not guarantee success for others if they follow the same path. Likewise, those who have failed can not guarantee failure. Everybody is unique and so is every situation.

Of course you cannot guarantee success, but you can greatly improve the odds of becoming successful by following the same path. We learn by experience. When I want business advice, whose advice do I more highly value? the CEO's or mr. cubicle?

[Ladyjane14]

Q: What happens if you play country music backwards? A: You sober up, get a job, and your wife comes back.

 

:lmao: THAT totally cracked me up! Good one, Dilly.

I've never heard that one before.... I was crying!

 

 

 

I've got some other thoughts and comments for y'all.... but no TIME this morning. I'll try to get back in later today.

[Ladyjane14]

I hate being in the frame of mind that I am otherwise I wouldn't have posted all this for you all to peruse. I don't want to continue like this for years to come...

 

I know you don't, Empty. Neither does Dilly. Neither would ANYONE.

And you guys are going to end up taking some flak around here because you're cheating on your wives. I know it's not physical, but emotionally it's the SAME dynamic. That's meaningful... but we'll get to that later. Best bet is to take what you need and leave the rest.

 

Meanwhile, you have arrived at the MOST pertinant point of the entire debacle.... "frame of mind".

 

You two guys are standing at the crossroads of a really BIG decision. The decision you make will alter the course of your lives and the lives of EVERYONE around you. It's a difficult position to be in. One path cannot be selected without REGRETS over the other path. And really, there's no way to walk them both. Alot of folks try... but over the course of time, one or the other (and sometimes both) will peter out.

 

Your decision isn't so big it can't be made though. Problem is... when you don't have clarity of mind due to your "frame of mind", you can't really trust yourself to make it. THAT's the big hold-up.

 

Both of you have your heads twisted on backwards over an OW... and somewhere deep inside, you've GOT to have a subconscious awareness of it. It's the BIG WHITE ELEPHANT in your brain-space.

Your emotional responses are interfering with your logic, making it difficult to weigh your choices accurately. It's like swimming in Jello... you keep moving, but you can't get anywhere. It's inevitable that Indecision will develop because the data has been skewed.

 

When you spend some time reading and studying on the subject of Infidelity, it's not difficult to identify a WS (wayward spouse) who's "under-the-influence". And even though you both have legitimate problems within your primary relationships... this WS dynamic is still PRESENT.

 

I suspect that underneath it all, you guys know that your current "frame of mind" is altered by your emotional resonse to these OW. You feel time constraints that you didn't feel before. You're anxious that an opportunity might be slipping through your fingers. THAT data is being weighed into an equation where it has no place, causing chaos and confusion.

 

The solution.. even though neither of you will like hearing it, is to remove that data from the equation. You have two SEPARATE problems before you, not one.... What to do about the marriage? What to do about the OW?

When you combine them, you can't make a decision on your marriage and family dynamic based on it's own merits. This other data interferes with that process.

 

The best divorce decision is based on THIS question... "Would I rather be alone for the rest of my life, than to be with this person?

 

I suspect that right now, both of you might say 'yes'. But you haven't answered that question. You're caught up to a certain degree in trying to answer another.... "Would I rather be with this woman or that one?"

 

Life isn't going to guarantee you another woman to replace the one you decide to leave. If you spend your time, holding out your hand, waiting for that guarantee... you're gonna have a long-ass wait and still be empty-handed.

There just aren't any guarantees to be had. Every relationship comes with risks, and some more than others.

 

 

All in all... I think BOTH you guys still have time for sorting all this out.... plenty of time.

That said, I don't know how you'll be successful unless you take it step-by-step. The first, being a decision on your marriage and family dynamic, based solely on it's own merit. The OW has NO BUSINESS in your brain-space right now. That data alters the rest.

 

This is the part that I told you we'd get to later....

 

"Cheating" doesn't just affect the betrayed spouse and your children. It "cheats" YOU just as much. You're cheated out of the "clarity of mind" we talked about. You're allowing your heart to lead you.

 

 

 

 

Now, I'll be more than happy to give you guys as much information as I have on saving a marriage. Ask and ye shall receive.

But my knowlege of divorce is more limited... consisting mostly of observation, as well as having been raised as a child of divorce.

 

I can tell you this much though... THE BEST DIVORCE is when two people have been able to resolve past resentments and walk away without all the bitterness and baggage. These end up being people who co-parent well and follow a predetermined parenting plan. Sometimes they even end up being quite amicable because they've resolved all the causes for hostility.

 

Empty, you've already stated that you would "fight her ugly and hard". How do you think that's going to end up?

A better course of action would be for you to make compromises that result in greater happiness for ALL the individuals involved. A divorce settlement is essentially a CONTRACT, right?

 

In a decision for divorce, how then could you give her most of what she wants and still get most of what YOU want?

As you're mulling through all the issues surrounding the divorce decision, this is a good question to ask yourself.

 

For my part... if my husband and I were to divorce, I would most definitely want to go back to my homestate. For one thing, I'd need the emotional support of my family. For another, there's NO WAY that I could afford to live on my own in the local ecomomy. My husband makes FOUR times as much money as I do thanks to my SAHM years.

 

Now, if he fought me on that... I'd fight back hard. And I'd KEEP fighting back too. He'd never hear the end of it, and I'd make his ass as miserable as he'd made me. BUT.... if he could find a way to compromise with me, a way to help me solve the inherent problems a divorce would cause... Well, that might take some of the wind out of my sails.

 

Certainly, there are things you use to can 'sweeten the pot'. A 'cost of living differential' as opposed to straight out child support for example, if you're living in a more expensive economy. Spousal support, healthcare and retirement benefits... all these things are negotiable past the minimums.

 

It doesn't hurt a thing for you to talk over your options with an attorney. My advice to you, the guy who wants to leave.... would be to give as much as you can in order get what you truly want. You can't dance if you don't want to pay the band, right?

Keep in mind, the decision to divorce is about getting the misery out of your life, not creating a different brand of it.

 

My advice in a nutshell... CLARIFY your thought-process, and then let your mind lead your heart. Hearts are fickle things, and can't be relied upon.

[Guest]

The best divorce decision is based on THIS question... "Would I rather be alone for the rest of my life, than to be with this person?

 

There is a lot of wisdom in much of your post. I do, however, disagree with the above. "Being alone for the rest of my life" has an extremely negative connotation for many, and I think such a stark (and probably unrealistic) set of options has as much potential to skew decision making as the emotional cloud of a third party that you noted. I suggest that the better question is "Would I rather face an unknown and uncertain future as the price of potential for a different life, than to be with this person?"

[dilly]

Well, thanks to this forum I have decided that the best course of action for me is to make my marriage work. The OW happened during a time of my life when I was vulnerable to such attention. i sure wasn't getting it at home! Even though I'm making a go of our marriage, there's a nagging feeling that If that were to happen again, and the OW felt the same way about me as I did her, than I wouldn't have the will power to stay. I really need to work at this but my wife also needs to at least meet me in the middle.

[Ladyjane14]

=Ladyjane14;1081638]

The best divorce decision is based on THIS question... "Would I rather be alone for the rest of my life, than to be with this person?

 

....I think such a stark (and probably unrealistic) set of options has as much potential to skew decision making as the emotional cloud of a third party...

 

We'll have to agree to disagree on that, Guest.

 

To my mind the question has value because it presents such stark contrast to the marital equation. It focuses exclusively on the merits of the spouse, and excludes other data.

 

I don't think anybody really believes that they'll end up alone forever when they make a divorce decision. That said, the possibility still exists that they could. I think it's worthy of consideration and inclusion.

[Ladyjane14]

Well, thanks to this forum I have decided that the best course of action for me is to make my marriage work. The OW happened during a time of my life when I was vulnerable to such attention. i sure wasn't getting it at home! Even though I'm making a go of our marriage, there's a nagging feeling that If that were to happen again, and the OW felt the same way about me as I did her, than I wouldn't have the will power to stay. I really need to work at this but my wife also needs to at least meet me in the middle.

 

 

You might want to start a thread about that, Dilly.

You're right... your wife needs to "meet you in the middle". Maybe you can round up some ideas on how to get her off the bench and back into the game. The Marriage forum is probably your best bet.

[Gunny376]

The best divorce decision is based on THIS question... "Would I rather be alone for the rest of my life, than to be with this person?

 

While LJ, may have limited knowledge and experince with divorce ~ I don't have that problem. I've only been married and divorced ~ once, but I'm here to stand up and testify that once was enough ~ its not something that I want to go through again.

 

While everyone speaks of an ambicale divorce, there are basically three kinds, nasty, ugly, and uglier. I've seen some pretty nasty ones to include a buddy of mind getting drunk and going out and shooting his cows to keep the wife from getting any proceeds from the sale of them.

 

The best time to get divorced ~ is when you and the other party have resolved any and all issues, and conflicts, and elimniated (per LJ) the biitterness and ressent ~ aka an amibicale divorce.

 

I can also tell you that you don't need to be emotionally (nor otherwise) involved with anyone while going through the divorce. In fact ~ I feel so strongly about this to the point that I as single man won't date anyone who's separarted, indeed I won't date them unless they've been divorced for two years.

 

Expereince has taught me time and time again that usually ~ someone coming out of divorce ~ it takes them a good two years minimumm to get their act together ~ mentally, emotionally, financially and even spiritually. Meanwhile they're usually stumbling and fumbling like a punch happy boxer trying to get across the goal post of life. They're usually enshrouded in anger, resentment, and bitterness not just toward the ex, but to the oppossitte gender.

 

Lady Jane hit the nail right on the head when she says that being emotionally involved with someone (OW) clouds and fogs your judgement.

 

We can sit here all night drinking whisky and spitting it into the fire, with your telling me how great the OW is this and that, and about how much you luv her, want and need to be with her, yadyadyad ~ but I'm telling you that a lot of that is nothing more than strong bio-chemical running around in your brain housing group.

 

Of course! The STBXW can't compete, and everything that she says, and does ~ and doesn't say and do ~ is going to be wrong. Your perception of them is going to be filter through the "I can't stand you, I hate you, and I won't out of the marriage" lens ~ Of course! Because you're got the lust for the OW and want to run off and do the nasty with them. The STBXW is out of gas.

 

The trouble is that those bio-chemicals are going to one day wear off ~ unless you fully educate yourself as to such things, and are prepared and equiped to handly them. If not, once the human mating cycle runs its course (about four years max in over sixty different cultures worldwide) the OW is going to be be out of gas, and you're going to be like a coyote caught in a trap gnawing its own leg off to get away from her.

 

The CAT scan images of someone "in love" is almost identical to someone who's a. suffering from obssessive-compulsive syndrone, and b. high on cocaine, (Source: National Geographic Feb 06' edition, book ~ "Sex On The Brain, book ~ "Brain Sex").

 

The 'high" that you get from being "in love" doesn't last, and it wears off, and then you go into withdrawal. This is the case of Lisa Womak the astronaut.

 

If you're marriage is that bad ~ by all means start exiting stage left. Hope of the next thing "smoking" out of town. But, for your own personal sake, the sake of your children, and the sake of your STBXW, (for humantarian reasons if nothing else?) do it the right way. And, that is to do it alone and with dignity and honor. Even if that means your going to single and alone for the rest of your life?!

 

Not because you've got the so-called "love of your life" waiting for you in the wings. If that's the reason your getting divorced, you're doing it for all the wrong reasons.

 

Either way you slice it, dice it, cook and serve it up ~ the path of divorce is going to be fraught with un-expected outcomes. Mr. Reality is hiding just around the corner with a big old Lousville Slugger saying, "Yea come on up in here! I've got something for your azz!"

 

With that said ~ the best and really only way to go about it with the least amount of obstalces ~ and travel light. You'll get from "here" to where you need to be a lot sooner and easier.

 

Finally, when it comes to divorce ~ its pretty much comes down to the John Lennon quote, "Life is what happens when you make other plans!"

[Gunny376]

The best divorce decision is based on THIS question... "Would I rather be alone for the rest of my life, than to be with this person?

 

There is a lot of wisdom in much of your post. I do, however, disagree with the above. "Being alone for the rest of my life" has an extremely negative connotation for many, and I think such a stark (and probably unrealistic) set of options has as much potential to skew decision making as the emotional cloud of a third party that you noted. I suggest that the better question is "Would I rather face an unknown and uncertain future as the price of potential for a different life, than to be with this person?"

 

Well slap my face and call me ugly?! :eek:

 

I'm single and alone and have been for a number of years ~ BY CHOICE!

 

I not maried, nor in a relationship, don't even have a steady GF ~ BY CHOICE!

 

At this point in my life I don't want nor need a relationship. There are certain things that I've set out to accomplish and achieve in my life in getting my life to where I want and need it to be ~ and its just easier to do that single and alone.

 

Relationships are all too easy to get into ~ but can be hard to maintain and sometimes difficult to get out of. At this point in time in my life ~ I've choosen to be single and alone, and not in a relationship ~ and personally I believe that its the weak-minded person who thinks they can't live and breath unless they're in a relationship.

 

I don't care if I ever get into another LTR for the rest of my life ~ I rather be single and alone than to be married to the likes of the person that I was married to.

 

Do you remember those hostages that were held on that airplane in Beruit for 52 days several years ago? Well, they got off light! I was married for TWELVE ******* YEARS!!!!!!

[CaliGuy]

and personally I believe that its the weak-minded person who thinks they can't live and breath unless they're in a relationship.

 

Very wise words, Gunny. If you're not happy being single you won't be happy in a relationship. Happiness is a state of mind and is dependent on you, not someone else.

 

I don't care if I ever get into another LTR for the rest of my life ~ I rather be single and alone than to be married to the likes of the person that I was married to.

 

Better to be single and lonely than married and miserable!

 

Do you remember those hostages that were held on that airplane in Beruit for 52 days several years ago? Well, they got off light! I was married for TWELVE ******* YEARS!!!!!!

 

That got a chuckle out of me

[81West]

We'll have to agree to disagree on that, Guest.

 

To my mind the question has value because it presents such stark contrast to the marital equation. It focuses exclusively on the merits of the spouse, and excludes other data.

 

I don't think anybody really believes that they'll end up alone forever when they make a divorce decision. That said, the possibility still exists that they could. I think it's worthy of consideration and inclusion.

 

Would I rather eat at the Ponderosa at the corner of 4th and Main every night this week, or should I just starve? Should I drive this 1996 Peacock Blue Chevy Malibu from El Paso to New York, or never ever see the Statue of Liberty? These questions focus exclusively on the merits of Ponderosa and Chevy Malibus and exclude other data, but we can clearly see the fundamental flaws. It is hard to imagine this kind of apocalyptic thinking leading to a good, clear decision on anything, let alone something as important and consequential as divorce.

 

With reference to my previous post (I thought I was logged in, but I guess I wasn't!) "the unknown" by definition must include the possibility of being alone, so in that way it shouldn't escape consideration, however cursory.

[81West]

Gunny, I hear you. While I haven't actively chosen not to be married or with a long term partner, I have no fear of "being alone". None at all. My father made the same decision you did many years ago, and he is happy as a clam. However, many do have that fear. You hear it over and over again.

[Ladyjane14]

.... "the unknown" by definition must include the possibility of being alone, so in that way it shouldn't escape consideration, however cursory.

 

When you account for statistics on second marriages, which typically have and even higher rate of divorce or permanent separation... I think we're talking about a better than average "possibility". That said, I STILL believe it's a worthy question.

 

In the microcosm of my own family for instance.... both my parents remarried a second time after their divorce, and then both those marriages also ended in divorce. All four of those people, my two parents and their spouses from their second marriage, are SINGLE today and living alone.

[Ladyjane14]

The CAT scan images of someone "in love" is almost identical to someone who's a. suffering from obssessive-compulsive syndrone, and b. high on cocaine, (Source: National Geographic Feb 06' edition, book ~ "Sex On The Brain, book ~ "Brain Sex").

 

Good point. I saw that in another venue once, a science program having to do with human sexual function. (I wish I could remember the name of it. )

But the information is absolutely fascinating. There's so much more that goes into our decision-making process that's physiological in nature than what we're consciously aware of.

 

 

 

 

p.s. I rarely see a post from you, Gunny... where I don't end up laughing my ass off. It's a wonder I've got enough left to hold my pants up! :lmao:

 

Mr. Reality is hiding just around the corner with a big old Louisville Slugger saying, "Yea come on up in here! I've got something for your azz!"

 

Those Southern belles are falling down on the job. I don't know HOW one of them hasn't snapped you up yet!

[OldEurope]

We can sit here all night drinking whisky and spitting it into the fire, with your telling me how great the OW is this and that, and about how much you luv her, want and need to be with her, yadyadyad ~ but I'm telling you that a lot of that is nothing more than strong bio-chemical running around in your brain housing group.

 

Of course! The STBXW can't compete, and everything that she says, and does ~ and doesn't say and do ~ is going to be wrong. Your perception of them is going to be filter through the "I can't stand you, I hate you, and I won't out of the marriage" lens ~ Of course! Because you're got the lust for the OW and want to run off and do the nasty with them. The STBXW is out of gas.

 

The trouble is that those bio-chemicals are going to one day wear off ~ unless you fully educate yourself as to such things, and are prepared and equiped to handly them. If not, once the human mating cycle runs its course (about four years max in over sixty different cultures worldwide) the OW is going to be be out of gas, and you're going to be like a coyote caught in a trap gnawing its own leg off to get away from her.

 

The CAT scan images of someone "in love" is almost identical to someone who's a. suffering from obssessive-compulsive syndrone, and b. high on cocaine, (Source: National Geographic Feb 06' edition, book ~ "Sex On The Brain, book ~ "Brain Sex").

 

The 'high" that you get from being "in love" doesn't last, and it wears off, and then you go into withdrawal.

 

 

Ohhhhh....Here we go again....Another mad scientist on the boards out to reduce falling in love to a matter of "obsessive compulsive" syndromes, hyper-active neurons, cocaine, CAT Scans....and whatever else will justify the years-hardened cynicism. Gunny and LJ should start a members-only club...

 

Kids---Guess what? Falling in love and staying in love DOES happen. There are marriages that are passionate and stay so. There are people who do divorce and find the right partner in their life and it works. Arrgh...Know thee not the story of Sophia Loren and Carlo Ponti, he who moved mountains and oceans and fought priests and popes to divorce and marry her--theirs was one of the great love stories. CAT scans for Carlo? Nah--just the gal of his dreams.

 

All right---so not all marriages/love stories are so vaunted, but P-L-E-A-S-E do stop reducing some of the feelings these men on these boards may genuinely have developed for another woman to some kind of bio-chemical bizarro lack of reason. Maybe she is the right one, after all, and its the marriage that should really cause certain people to have their heads examined.

 

 

OE

[Ladyjane14]

Your IQ is showing, dear. You might want to readjust your skirt.

 

Science isn't voodoo you know.

[empty906]

Lots of activity here today. Uhm, rather than try to respond to individual posts let me tell another story...

 

My mom confided in me alot of what has happened in her past. Things I never knew and she never wanted to tell but since I had found myself in the mess I was in she told me some stories. She knows where I am because she has been here.

 

One story was of when I was a baby. My dad had left her/us in an ugly divorce and she was extemely depressed for a long time. She had thought about suicide a few times but always blew it off. Silly thoughts.

 

So one particular night she was very depressed again and had made up her mind to kill herself. She told me that she heard me moving around in my bed (one year old) and went in to check on me. Seeing me lying there made her realize she couldn't do something stupid like suicide and leave me without a father and a mother. So she says she lived to take care of me. I saved her.

 

I thought about that story today. I put on When You Know by Shawn Colvin and as it played I took out a picture of my wife. I also took out a picture of the OW. And I took out a picture of my son. The theme of the song is that when you know you love someone there is nothing you can do about it. In my little world, it was very fitting.

 

These three pictures represented the three struggles I am having. Three people who are in my life and who love me. The most important? That little boy. He needs me more than the other two do. He needs me like I needed my mom back when she made a tough decision.

 

So I know what I have to do now. Although it would most likely work with the OW it is not something that can happen now. Not today. I will stay with him and that means focusing on my marriage. I will try it, atleast.

 

I had already withdrawn when she decided to draw in. We were both withdrawn from each other for a period of time there. Now I see I should see if things can be worked out in my heart towards my W.

 

It's not about feelings anymore is it? My marriage isn't about two people who are in love and want to grow old together. It isn't about two friends, it is about raising a son. How sad my hopes and dreams fell to something so far from what I wanted marriage to be for me.

 

So, LJ, I'll find some love for my W still hiding somewhere in my heart? Maybe you are right... <chuckle> I just really don't like her right now.

 

Maybe tomorrow will be different.

[Gunny376]

Ohhhhh....Here we go again....Another mad scientist on the boards out to reduce falling in love to a matter of "obsessive compulsive" syndromes, hyper-active neurons, cocaine, CAT Scans....and whatever else will justify the years-hardened cynicism. Gunny and LJ should start a members-only club...

 

Kids---Guess what? Falling in love and staying in love DOES happen. There are marriages that are passionate and stay so. There are people who do divorce and find the right partner in their life and it works. Arrgh...Know thee not the story of Sophia Loren and Carlo Ponti, he who moved mountains and oceans and fought priests and popes to divorce and marry her--theirs was one of the great love stories. CAT scans for Carlo? Nah--just the gal of his dreams.

 

All right---so not all marriages/love stories are so vaunted, but P-L-E-A-S-E do stop reducing some of the feelings these men on these boards may genuinely have developed for another woman to some kind of bio-chemical bizarro lack of reason. Maybe she is the right one, after all, and its the marriage that should really cause certain people to have their heads examined.

 

 

OE

 

Fear not, yon Juliet ~ there is still yet room in the world for the blind romantics!

 

 

Anyhoo, OE, I read your profile and thought you might like this link, you're being a romantic type and all. Ask them and they'll send you a catalog

 

http://www.designtoscano.com/jump.jsp?itemID=1&itemType=HOME_PAGE