Author coco_milkshake Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 Even I was shocked at that. It just hurts that my culture is so judgemental. This is what its like. Girls are treated like cattle - thats my personal view anyway. They look at your height, your educational status, how dark or light you are etc etc and if you dont meet the specific requirements you are blasted for it. There is this nice girl that I know, she has never done a wrong thing in her life and she is loving and sweet. My mum looks down on her cos she is 30 and is still single. They are having problems finding a guy for her. Mum says that she should make an effort with herself and put on make up etc - thats what happens when desperation occurs. What is not allowed is overlooked in desperate situations *rolls eyes* I hate my culture so much Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Hi Coco, I'm sure there are some very positive aspects of your family's culture, but I certainly understand your feelings. My family's culture is not nearly as extreme, but I felt pressure to get married because I was pregnant. I think that this is common, but since I was feeling so vulnerable anyway, I think that putting pressure on me was so wrong of my family. I think they feel very guilty about it now. We don't live in the 1800s! Once you are away from your family, maybe you can find some very nice and special things about your culture to hold onto. The art, clothing, and music are all very beautiful. Anyway, since there are a few people in your family who have already strayed from the norm, perhaps you could go to them for some support? They certainly understand what you're going through and would probably be more than willing to talk to you, help you, etc. They know better than anyone else how you feel. Is there a way you can contact them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 Hi MG There are certain aspects of my culture that I am proud of like you mentioned above. I aint going to let go or give up on my heritage entirely. I cant get in touch with them cos my family dont like to associate themselves with them. However, we are fairly close to the family where the daughter married her Nigerian husband but dont know where she lives there. My immediate family were even contemplating whether to invite her to future family functions or not. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Hi Coco, That's so sad that a family will disown their own children. I just can't imagine abandoning my children because they made different choices than I wanted them to make. I love them so much. But I guess sometimes norms and pride get in the way of love. So there is no way you can find your disowned relatives? Maybe you can find them through a search if you know their full names. I think finding them and talking with them could help you out a lot. At least find their contact information now so you can talk to them after you leave home when you might be feeling lonely and scared. There might even be a support group for other Indian girls in similar situations. Maybe your school counselor can help you find a support group like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 Nope there is no way I can get in touch with them. Im thinking of talking to my uni counsellor to help me find support groups like that. My gran had chest pains this morning and got taken to the docs but she is fine now. I felt guilt when mum says she wants to live long enough to see me get married - felt like shyt. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Hi Coco, How are you doing? I hope that you're well! Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted January 30, 2007 Author Share Posted January 30, 2007 Hi MG Im doing the best that I can. Ive finished my exams and Im off this whole week and me and mum have fought everyday - she aggravates me with her stupid comments. She just wants me to stay in the house all week and tidy up. If she doesnt like what Ive done she makes stupid comments and talks down to me like Im a 3 year old. This week is going to pass very slowly. Ive emailed my counsellor to fix another session next week when I go back. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Hi Coco, I'm so sorry to hear you're having a hard week. Keep your head up. I'm thinking about you and hope that you are able to find peace in your life. I posted a reply to your other thread in the parenting section. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted January 30, 2007 Author Share Posted January 30, 2007 Im sorry if I sound like a complaining brat. Staying at home with mum 24/7 is not my idea of fun. Sometimes I feel like its my fault for being the way I am. It got to me so much when they said it was my fault that they were treating me like this and I believed them Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Coco, You're not being a complaining brat. All of us are here at LS to help each other (well, most of us, anyway!). We are here to listen to your problems and offer support. What you're going through is NOT your fault. Like I said before (in another thread), when your parents made the choice to raise you in a western culture, they should have expected you to pick up western ideas and adapt to the culture you live in. Why wouldn't you want to be free to marry who you want? Why wouldn't you want to have friends? If they can't see that your desire to be Scottish is THEIR fault, then they are blind. If they expected you to be 100% Indian, then they should have raised you in India IMHO. It is totally unreasonable for them to lock you in the house, isolate you to keep you from making friends, and demand that you marry who they want you to marry. None of this is your fault. Don't believe them when they tell you it is. Also, try not to fight with your mum. It probably won't do any good and will just stress you out more. Keep working on gaining your strength to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
VinaAmez Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 I felt guilt when mum says she wants to live long enough to see me get married - felt like shyt. I thought that you wanted to get married but not arranged? Maybe I read that wrong. Anyhow...why do you allow your mother to talk to you like that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 Me and mum have been fighting every day now. I cant help but get annoyed with her cos she always says things which makes me shake with anger. She talks down to me like Im a small child. She just swore at me again a few minutes ago. I hate her so much. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Im sorry if I sound like a complaining brat. Staying at home with mum 24/7 is not my idea of fun. Sometimes I feel like its my fault for being the way I am. It got to me so much when they said it was my fault that they were treating me like this and I believed them Oh Coco, I wouldn't want to be at home 24/7 with my mum either, and we get on well!And you have to keep remembering that its not your fault. I was thinking about you yesterday, there was a lady talking on radio 4 about 9am-ish about a support group she runs for SE Asian women wanting to escape arranged marriages etc. You could try the BBC listen again function? Or download it onto your mp3 player soyou can listen without your parents hearing? Anyway, if you can't find it let me know will try find the name for you if you want. ((hugs)) Its going to be OK. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 If you could find that for me that would be helpful and thank you for your support. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/factual/midweek.shtml Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 Well, Ive been in tears twice today. The first time is when mum shouted on me to ask what I am doing upstairs and I said I was doing nothing and she went mental at the tone of my voice and swore at me. I cried for 2 hours and lay in bed thinking about everything that I have been through. Getting bullied in primary school cos of mum, the taunts in secondary school cos of mum, the crap in the past 12 months. Second time is now actually. We were watching a programme where this girl got beaten up by her husband and she lies to her parents about it. Mum felt sorry for her cos it was her parents who married her to this guy and that they should help her. I said what about those who chose their own husbands and mum said that the parents shouldnt do anything to help their child who did that cos it is their own fault. As if anyone deliberately marries a guy to get beaten up by him. That hurt. I know I dont want an arranged marriage and I think in her heart she knows I dont either and that was a point she was making to me. I feel stupid for crying over everything she says. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 Hi Coco, Don't feel stupid for crying. It's your way of dealing with all the stress. I do hope you can see your counselor when you go back to school. You know that it is never a woman's fault if they get beaten by their husband. My husband never displayed any sort of violence before we were married...so you just never know. My husband, like your mother, tried to blame me for HIS actions. In his mind, because I chose him as a husband and because I had f***ed up (I accidently locked my keys in the car), I deserved to be beaten. This is a purely illogical way to think. I'm sorry that you don't feel the love and support you desire from your mum. I don't think arguing with her or trying to talk to her will change her ways. You need to love and support yourself and do what's best for you. I know how hard it is! But, as I've said before, you certainly deserve to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted February 1, 2007 Author Share Posted February 1, 2007 Yeah I know its never the woman's fault but try telling her that. She says that its the girl's fault to marry a man like that. As if the girl deliberately is going to marry someone who is going to beat the living daylights out of her. But if its the parents who chose that kind of husband for their daughter then its their duty to help since its them who married her to him. I think that is wrong - mum is so stone-hearted. I am avoiding mum as best as I can. She probably thinks she is worthy of the mother of the year award cos she took me back after the ex scenario which in her eyes was the worst think I could have possibly done, cooks for me and washes my clothes etc but every mother does that!! I hate the fact that she controls every aspect of my life from my hair style to the friends I have - Im 21 for crying out loud!! I am seeing my counsellor on Monday at 2pm and Im calling the SWA from his office. I am having serious second thoughts now cos my gran has been to the doctor's twice cos of chest pains and the doc said her heart isnt working properly - Im thinking that me leaving would probably kill her cos of the shock - I just dont know what to do now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted February 2, 2007 Author Share Posted February 2, 2007 Wow, My eyes are sore everytime I blink from crying a lot in the past 3 days. Last night was a nightmare. I coudnt sleep and it was 12.55am. I went to bed after a talk from my dad that I should go to bed early and wake up early etc etc...its my week off!! I cried for 2 hrs in bed. I kept repeating to myself that Im not a bad person and I looked at our Guru's photo above my head and questioned if I really was. I just sat up in my bed and looked outside. It was so peaceful and nice. I then tried to read a book but to no avail. I cried myself to sleep and I think it was about 4am. I am so tired. Mum tries to drag me out of bed early cos she doesnt like me sleeping in late - I always manage to stall it til 10.30. She hasnt noticed how awful I look. I look a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 Coco, I know how stressful it is...thinking constantly about who you are, what you've done, whether or not you're being abused. It is a long road, an emotional rollercoaster, and it's SO draining. Even though I have a written record of the abuse I've endured during the past 6 years, I STILL question whether or not it was real. I question whether I am weak, a baby who can't take real life, or if I am simpy crazy. When my husband laughs at me and tells me I have made-up problems, tells me I'm a spoiled brat, etc my whole world becomes a huge ball of confusion. When I go back to read my account of all the abuse I've suffered, even though it is on the paper as plain as day and I KNOW it happened...I didn't dream it all up...I still wonder if I am doing the wrong thing by leaving. Only people who have been abused can understand this feeling. We have been made to believe we are the guilty ones, the ones with the incorrect account of what happened, the ones who don't understand reality. My husband often says things like "Millions of women would trade places with you in a second" "You have made up problems" "You are weak" "You are spoiled" "You don't live in reality" "You have never been abused" "I'm the most loving husband ever" blablabla. Your parents probably say similar things to you, which are terribly confusing because it makes you question everything. It makes you think you're a bad daughter, a bad person, etc for not obeying them. This is exactly what they want you to think. If you feel guilty, then they have more control over your actions. Right now you're acutely aware of how unhappy you are, but you're still caught in the clutches of abuse wondering why you're so unhappy and not knowing what you should do about it. Logically, everything probably makes sense, but emotionally it does not. Eventually, I hope, you'll have had enough of the abuse and will be strong enough to leave. It will not be easy, as you know. My relationship with my husband feels like a psychological torture experiment to me with the lows being SO low and the highs being SO high. I've noticed some of the same elements in your relationship with your mum. You feel loved and accepted when she cooks for you and takes care of you during your exams and then so unloved when she calls you names, isolates you from friends, and talks of marriage to someone you don't know or love. Hang in there, sweetie. Be strong and don't do anything to hurt yourself. Tha abuse you're suffering is not your fault. You deserve to be happy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted February 2, 2007 Author Share Posted February 2, 2007 Yeah, I get what you mean. Mum bought me a pair of nice shoes and I felt guilty for even thinking about leaving. Gran's health is getting worse. She has high potassium levels in her blood stream and its affecting her memory and her balance. She is also getting chest pains frequently now and she has been to the doctor's 3 times in the past few days. I keep thinking that my departure will shock her and make her health 10 times worse. Thank God Im going back to uni next week but Im only in 2 days so I am going to use those 3 days to get extra counselling and hopefully get my counsellor to help me get courage to leave without feeling guilty. I am literally counting down the days til I go back to my studies so I can escape mum for a while. Good thing is I am in Wednesday and Friday 10-4:30pm so I wont be home til 6 both evenings. I am going to put my head down and work my butt off and get my degree. That is my ticket to freedom. Thanks so much for your support MG it means so much to me. How old are your children btw? Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Hi Coco, I'm glad you have a distraction to keep you busy. Getting a degree in something useful so you can have a good job & support yourself will help a lot. Don't feel guilty about your mum doing nice things for you and you still contemplating leaving. EVERY abuser has his/her nice moments! I can understand why you feel guilty about your Gran. Just hang in there. Uni is around the corner! My kids are 3 and 2, and they are both wonderful little people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted February 4, 2007 Author Share Posted February 4, 2007 I am leaving home. I am phoning SWA tomorrow and I am getting out. I am beginning to feel like I did last year with the cutting etc and that is a sign that I need to get out or I will end up dead. Enough is enough. Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 Hope you stick to it this time...if you get too chicken to call them again spank yourself out of it (or have bernie do it for you) Link to post Share on other sites
bluetuesday Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 I am leaving home. I am phoning SWA tomorrow and I am getting out. I am beginning to feel like I did last year with the cutting etc and that is a sign that I need to get out or I will end up dead. Enough is enough. coco, i am so sorry to hear about all of this. it sucks, it really does. stay strong, you CAN remove yourself from this situation and get some space to have a good look at what you want and how you can achieve it. the SWA will help get you someplace to stay for as long as you need. there are really good things in your future, i am sure of it. you seem ready to take control of your life and that is great to see. it is very hard to break away from family expectations etc, moreso if your family is very determined to have you live in the way THEY want, but i can see you are taking a very courageous step and anyone who has read your threads, like i have, will be cheering you all the way from the sidelines. living with the temptation to self-abuse or with suicidal thoughts is no way to live. just know it will get better. once you have more control over your life and your future, the pull to hurt yourself will gradually lessen. it won't be easy, but it won't be so hard you can't do it. you have my deepest admiration and respect, you really do. i wish you all good things. Link to post Share on other sites
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