I'm drowning....husband wants out

[Gunny376]

What...!!!

 

Damn... yah learn something new everyday.. :lmao:

 

Sorry about that ilmw,

 

But someone had to "man-up" and break the news to you!

[stillafool]

Wow, this is a long thread and forgive me for not reading it all. From what I read you are married to an arrogant, selfish, as+hole. Okay sounds like you have sat around thinking, crying, feeling sorry for yourself long enough now. He has made it clear he wants nothing else to do with you. I would get up and ask him to pack his s*it and leave. Since he is so unhappy and can't stand to be around you why doesn't he leave? You need to see an attorney if you haven't already and get your affairs in order. You can bet your husband has a plan and you should get one too.

 

It definitely sounds like he has another woman no matter what he says. If that's the case and he doesn't want you, make him leave and go to her. He will still have to pay your bills. You will heal faster and be stronger by not having contact with his negative energy every day. BTW you talked of what a strain it was on your body to have his 3 kids. Don't forget those are your kids also and I'm sure you want all 3 of them equally as much.

 

I can't stand men like your husband, now that he's a successful doctor he wants to throw you to the wind. I know it doesn't seem like it now but him letting you go may be the best thing that could happen to you. You deserve someone who appreciates you.

[ilmw]

Sorry about that ilmw,

 

But someone had to "man-up" and break the news to you!

 

...I'll be OK... ...

[Mz. Pixie]

MzPixie said earlier that you're in "the catbird seat", Mum. That's true in alot of ways... but, you still don't have the bargaining power that you could have.

 

The way to get that power is much as I told you in the beginning... You need to know EVERYTHING.

 

You need to know if he's seeing someone, and if so... you need to know who that person is. And you'll need to search for this information in complete stealth. Keep his attention focused on something else while you do it.

 

Once you have all the information, the playing board is TILTED in your favor. Right now, you're still stumbling around blind-folded.

 

If it was me, I'd be sweet as pie... 'Plan A' all the way. I'd keep his attention on my requests for marital counseling. I'd let him believe that I'd completely bought into his version the story. I'd apologize for letting his needs go unmet. I'd wring my hands and act like I didn't know what the hell to do next.

 

Meanwhile back at the ranch... I'd be digging into every scrap of information I could find looking for clues. I'd hire a PI if I could do it without him catching me, and I'd see an attorney covertly. I would plan my trap to the last detail, and when he was ready to make a move, I'd spring it.

 

Believe me when I say.... by the time I got through, he'd be ready to talk. He would suddently find good communications with ME to be of utmost importance to him.

 

Like I said earlier, sometimes we don't have time to indulge in our own hurt feelings. It interferes with our logic.

 

Bravo!!!!!

[Mz. Pixie]

He has his parents on his side and his mistress.

 

And?? His mistress will most likely not be called to be a witness at a custody hearing.

 

I'm not saying make an impulsive decision. But I'm stating what my decision would be. You can sit and second guess yourself all day long but in the end, I'd do what LJ did. I'd gather my evidence and get my papers ready and sit down and bust his ass with them. I would be the first one to have papers-drawn up by my attorney. But since she's already confronted him with what she has that might be a hard one (the confrontation)

 

I'd rather have self respect than to live in fear of him, his money, and what he MIGHT DO. Because I don't have a crystal ball and cannot predict the future. I can go on what I have right now though. That's how I would handle it. She certainly doesn't have to take my advice or anyone else's advice on this forum.

[Gunny376]

Like I said earlier, sometimes we don't have time to indulge in our own hurt feelings. It interferes with our logic.

 

That's what I've been trying to articulate ~ good Post LJ, damn good post!

[Gunny376]

And?? His mistress will most likely not be called to be a witness at a custody hearing.

 

I'm not saying make an impulsive decision. But I'm stating what my decision would be. You can sit and second guess yourself all day long but in the end, I'd do what LJ did. I'd gather my evidence and get my papers ready and sit down and bust his ass with them. I would be the first one to have papers-drawn up by my attorney. But since she's already confronted him with what she has that might be a hard one (the confrontation)

 

I'd rather have self respect than to live in fear of him, his money, and what he MIGHT DO. Because I don't have a crystal ball and cannot predict the future. I can go on what I have right now though. That's how I would handle it. She certainly doesn't have to take my advice or anyone else's advice on this forum.

 

Or as Lt. Gen Nathan Bedford Forrest was quoated as saying:

 

"The one that gets there the 'firstest" with the 'mostest' wins the battle!"

[RecordProducer]

I'd do what LJ did.

Mz. Pixie, if you read my post carefully, you'd see that LadyJane and I wrote exactly the same thing: stay nice, reveal nothing, discover all information you need, and make a plan that's best for you. Neither LJ nor I told her what exactly to do and ask for.

 

Saying "I want the whole house and the kids and this and that!" won't make it happen. She has a long way to go before she can state her final demands and know what she's doing. If she creates conditions to get everything, she will get it.

[mum2three]

Suck it up, sap it up, and then go for the groin!

 

Love u guys!!!

[Ladyjane14]

...LadyJane and I wrote exactly the same thing: stay nice, reveal nothing, discover all information you need, and make a plan that's best for you.

 

Well to be fair, we did diverge paths a couple of times earlier on RP.

 

And I don't think we're on the same page yet about the possibility of reconciliation. We have made progress on the issue of investigating the alleged affair though. A couple of pages ago, you said:

Don't beat yourself up about whether there is another woman or not. It's really completely irrelevant.

 

And now I think we can both agree that it's IMPERATIVE that Mum finds out all there is to know. This is information she can use either way it goes.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes when I'm puzzling something out, I think it over metaphorically....

 

Say, the Wayward Husband is represented as a big-ass locomotive with a head full of steam, barreling down the track toward our helpless family.

 

Mom and children are tied to the track, and even Darling Husband is bound to it as well. (We'll look at DH and WH as separate entities to represent the duality of his personality... the man he once was and the man he currently is.)

 

Now, Mom has just a little wiggle room in her bindings and can get her hands free if she applies some effort. She's able to untie the children, but DH is bound firmly and she can't free him no matter how she tries.

 

She's only got three choices:

 

1. She can untie herself, free the children, and get the hell off the track.... leaving DH to his fate.

 

2. She can lay there and do nothing, 'til the train barrels over all of them.

 

3. She can DERAIL the train.

 

Now, if she chooses to derail the train, she can get the kids out of harm's way... but DH is still stuck where he is. She can't know where the wreckage will land. He might be crushed beneath it, or he might walk away unscathed, and anything in between might happen.

 

If DH survives, great. There's a chance to rebuild. If DH is crushed in the wreckage... well, you gave him a shot at survival. That's the best that can be done under the circumstances.

 

The ONLY way to "derail" the train though is to become powerful enough to get the job done. And knowledge is POWER.

 

When I posted to you earlier about breaking the "fantasy bubble"... this is the kind of thing I meant. Popping the bubble derails the train. It empowers you. He can look at you now with cold contempt because he can't see the REAL you. He sees the "you" he's made up in his mind to rationalize his behavior. The "you" he has in his mind is no challenge to him, because THAT person is bound to follow the dictates of the fantasy.

 

But once the train is derailed, ALL your options are open. Negotiation becomes possible... because WH must deal with the "real you". If DH survives, reconcilliation is negotiable. If he doesn't... the terms of divorce are likewise "negotiable".

 

Settlement on divorce is nothing more than an elaborate 'contract'. You can negotiate whatever you want into it. Each state will require certain minimums, but on top of that... you can get whatever he'll agree to.

 

This is what MzPixie means by being "in the catbird seat". YOU have something he wants. Or at least something he thinks he wants. Once you've "derailed" his train though he's forced to look into the REAL faces of the people that surround him. He's forced to put away the fantasy, and LOOK at you while he does the nasty thing he's got in mind. He can no longer take a dispassionate stance.

 

And if you think about it, doctors are trained in their profession to be dispassionate in their decision making process. They deal with difficult patients every day. "Coldness" can be expected while by any person who's in the withdrawal stage. This guy specializes in it.

He's gonna do it better than most.

 

When we take that information into consideration, it's kind of telling that it doesn't take much conversation on your part, Mum, before he blows his temper. His emotions are still engaged, despite whatever protestations he makes to the contrary. If he had succeeded in completely severing his connection.... you wouldn't be getting a rise out of him.

 

There's a fine line between love and hate. And as we've all heard before, it's actually Indifference which is the opposite of love. I'm not sure we can assume the cool dispassion of a trained medical professional necessarily equates to "indifference" yet.

[Ladyjane14]

Suck it up, sap it up, and then go for the groin!

 

EXACTLY!!!

[RecordProducer]

Well to be fair, we did diverge paths a couple of times earlier on RP.

 

And I don't think we're on the same page yet about the possibility of reconciliation. We have made progress on the issue of investigating the alleged affair though. A couple of pages ago, you said:

 

 

And now I think we can both agree that it's IMPERATIVE that Mum finds out all there is to know. This is information she can use either way it goes.

Right, at the beginning we had two different viewpoints. I can't say we disagreed on it, we just had two idea on how she may deal with the situation. You suggested an optimistic approach and that was great. But she said she couldn't do it given the circumstances.

 

I still think it's irrelevant if there is another woman. For the divorce process per se, it might be relevant, but she shouldn't fill her soul with rage and hatred because of the affair. She should just concentrate on the fact that he is leaving. And get over it. I would hate seeing her burn and crash over the though of another woman sleeping with him, stalking them, calling them in the middle of the night, and whatever abandoned wives do to their exes and their new wives.

 

I think we agree on what she should do now. We... the consensus.

[mum2three]

Good ridance (can't spell anymore??) if there is OW to enjoy this temporary funloving suave doc. She can have his sorry ass. I know who is on the inside and who he is capable of becoming. I don't need that ****! Give him a couple of years and his type A personality will get the best of her. He can do all the cleaning, cooking, childrearing, yardwork, homework all he wants. Bottom line, he's a guy with no substance. So what if his bathrooms are shiny and perfumy?! He can find other slave woman to take his crap. There are plenty of other physician's wives living it up with nannies, not working, socializing, and maintaining themselves and they are appreciated for who they are.

 

He is not going to define my worth. For whatever crap that we dished out to each other over the years I never gave up hope. I always always wanted it to work out. But I realize that I am not strong enough to suck up this **** b/c there are people living very full lives after divorce. So if he took me for granted and shot down the chance to maintain our family, then so be it. I was willing to change and work my ass off to enjoy the children that we created together. But I can only control what I am willing to do.

 

Yeah, it makes me crazy curious to see who he's hooking up with. Who can deny that??? He'll get some temporary boobs fixes and good jobs but who the hell wants to do the **** work of keeping someone else's family?! I certainly would not want to inherit that mess even if he makes a crap load of money. Bottomline is commitment. Means nothing without it.

 

Bring it on because I am making it across that minefield alive!!! (Don't say but I didn't feel like this in yesterday or this morning. hee hee) But i love the energy that your posts bring me.

 

I love me!!! I love my kids!!! I don't even care about the house if I have love. The house is hexed. I could take it or leave it but just give me the cash.

[Romeo Must Die]

Hey guys and girls, I'm here! Just reading and catching up on this thread... *whew* long post!

 

Mum if I can be of help to you in any way, please let me know. I am a BW in reconcilliation with a FWS. He had a 3 year LTA and have survived after having been through much of the same situation as you are in now and LJ was kind enough to ask me to lend you my support.

 

You have some of the best posters on this board on your side I'm impressed with the wealth of support and information given to you in this post. I know it's really hard to take this in all at once, but there is help and there is hope. I know with the kids and the holidays that it is hard, but if I can make it through infidelity pregnant & losing a teen son, then I know you can handle this, too.

 

This isn't the end of everything, you know that? One of the things I was just thinking about tonight is basic instincts. My gut instincts saved me and it will protect me from any harm that comes my way. Listen to your gut instincts, trust your heart. Your WS STBX isn't fooling anybody and one day you will see he isnt a beautiful liar, he is just a liar. A walking, talking cliche.

 

Right now you just have to realize you are talking to someone who is like your husband (looks like him and talks like him) but it is not the same man you married. He's a stranger. And getting with him on an emotional level will take all your energy away from you and drain your already fragile health and it will break your spirit.

 

Dont get into any fights with him, as I used to call it dont hold court out on the street. You are allowed to take some time and think about things before you say anything to him & if you ever find yourself in a bad scene with him, just walk away. Dont argue with him, dont give him the upper hand. Don't let him manipulate you emotionally anymore.

 

If you can try to distance yourself from him (in that same way he has done to you) then you can see him for what he is right now. Do a 180 and mentally and physically distance yourself from him. You cant do the same things a wife normally does, relying on him and having his protection, you have to look to yourself and be independant of him right now.

 

[Romeo Must Die]

One of the things I want to tell you is that Romeo (my FWS) and I are legally divorced. We reconcilled during the process but have not yet remarried. We're waiting for the right time. It isn't conditional.

 

In my experience, the best way to win a divorce is to come to a mutual agreement. They arent going to care about OW or that the bathroom wasnt squeaky clean. It's all about the assets and who gets what. The law doesnt feel emotion this is simply closing a business deal to them. You'd do well to remember that. We can deal with the OW/WS issue seperately, thats personal business.

 

You need a good lawyer, start with a brief consultation. That is not so hard, it's taking the first step that is so monumentally hard to do. He or she will throw you some papers and you fill out assets and debits. He will file a temporary order of support to maintain financial support from your STBX until the divorce is over.

 

You need to be set up for the future, alimony, child support, health insuance and a home is absolutely essential for a mother with kids. Leaving with them is too traumatizing for them. It would go alot easier for them if you all stay in the marital home for now.You can always sell the haunted house later and buy a new one, but for right now, it has equity and you should hold on to that. Just think of the future. Think ahead and make your plans.

 

[mum2three]

Yes, I am overwhelmed with info but it's all good. My brain is nonstop and I know I need to take a step back and enjoy the kids while we are still under the same roof everyday. I need to take a breather from this man. Living under the same roof makes it harder to concentrate on my daily business and focus on the kids. I am distracted by the passing thoughts of his OW, the gifts that he so generously bought for others but me, the mean things he's said, blah blah blah....

 

It does suck to see your H treat you like a complete nobody and yet you are still maintaining a home together. But I set my boundaries with him. I hope I am strong to abide by them. I gave myself a nite off yesterday and had dinner and coffee with an ex-coworker. Didn't even look at the time!

 

I would NEVER thought about doing that when he was IN the marriage. I always thought about being there to help him out. But all he did was criticize how i helped. Didn't like how i put the kids to bed, give them too much to drink, eat too late, can't get fruit fast enough, i give in to the kids, overdress the kids, and the list goes on. I babied the kids sometimes b/c they r just kids and the less whiny they are then he'll be able to rest. But he thinks he is running platoon unit here.

 

Well, somehow I just let go of all that responsibility. He said he is happier when I am not interfering and he can just get things done. Well, he can do it by himself and go to bed by himself every nite too. I need to have my time. Now is my opportunity to have a real conversation with adults or spend the evening as an individual.

 

I am going home to my parents for x'mas. Gonna get together with friends and just take a step back. I know alot of people feel i need to celebrate for the kids etc. At first, I grappled with that. But I don't care about x'mas right now. I haven't bought one gift. My friends know where I am right now and I am sure no one expects me to be shopping. It will make me sick to even see their happiness and how he and his family are moving on.

 

The kids will be ok. X'mas will be a happy occassion for them with or without me. His family will be here and they will make sure they are spoiled. I need to refuel and I certainly ain't gonna get myself together when I am outnumbered by the enemy or should i say that i am considered "the enemy". I'll give the kids a second round of gifts for the New year's with a much better mental state I hope!

 

Romeo, I am sorry that you had endured such great challenges in life. God bless you for giving back. You are breathing life into new folks like us. I am amazed by this tremendous support. I would have been happy just to know that others were reading. But you guys have really poured your heart out to me. Thank u all!

 

I do want to be the better one and get out without too many battle scars.

[Romeo Must Die]

I posted a PS after my post, so be sure to go back a page and check it out in case you missed it. It's just some legal/divorce help that you asked for earlier. Also I want you to know we are here for YOU mum, everyday and everynight. Just leave a message here for us and we'll be close by.

 

I know this is so hard, Romeo said some things to me Im not sure he will ever be able to take back again, but at least he is trying. Im learning to fall in love with him all over again. Baby steps!

 

I know you feel scared and confused too, yesterday you loved him, today you hate him - all those feelings are normal. I will never tell you to get over it, or how to live your life, who you should love and who you should hate. I mean, What the heck do you do when it's the same person? Thats the dynamics LJ was talking about inside the WS head right now. Your STBX is nuts. But, you know what, it's going to be okay, mum I promise you. This info well, it's alot more than we ever had when we were going through this. Now we're together here and that makes us a formidable team to be reckoned with. WS will never know what hit him, lol. You're blessed because you have some really smart, loving people who are watching over you tonight.

 

PPS Theres no real cure for the sleeplessness, aside from drugs and lifetime movies. I still have a screwed-up sleeping pattern after all these years!

 

[Gunny376]

PPS Theres no real cure for the sleeplessness, aside from drugs and lifetime movies. I still have a screwed-up sleeping pattern after all these years!

 

As far as the sleep issue, I read in Dr. Gott's nationally syndicated column aboutg melatonin. Its a natural substance created by the pituatory gland, and its what regulates your biological clock and your sleeping patterns. Once you get pass the age of forty the body produces less of it.

 

You can produce it over the counter in the herabal and vitamin section. It comes in 3mmg, 3 mg, and 5 mg, with the 200 count 5 mg going for about 8 to 9 dollars. Its non-addictive.

 

Its doesn't knock you out. The bottle says to take one, I, at 6'1 190 pounds take two to three. Its does make you sleepy, about thrity minutes after you've taken it, it will make your eyes water and you'll start yawning. If you've got something on your mind, its seems to help you put aside and get a good night sleep. You'll still be able to wake up and tend to the children. The only downside is that if you take too much of it, it'll make you groggy (not drugged ~ but in a sleepy sort of way, as though you've been woke from a deep sleep suddenly.)

 

Air line pilots flying the coast to coast redeye, use it to re-set their biologicial clocks. ilmw reported good results, I've not heard from anyone else on the board.

 

Otherwise, its sounds as though you're coming up with a short term, intermediate, and possibly a long term plan. You've come a tremendously long way in a short period of time. Hang in there!

[Ladyjane14]

In my experience, the best way to win a divorce is to come to a mutual agreement. They arent going to care about OW or that the bathroom wasnt squeaky clean. It's all about the assets and who gets what. The law doesnt feel emotion this is simply closing a business deal to them. You'd do well to remember that. We can deal with the OW/WS issue seperately, thats personal business.

 

You need a good lawyer, start with a brief consultation. That is not so hard, it's taking the first step that is so monumentally hard to do. He or she will throw you some papers and you fill out assets and debits. He will file a temporary order of support to maintain financial support from your STBX until the divorce is over.

 

You need to be set up for the future, alimony, child support, health insuance and a home is absolutely essential for a mother with kids. Leaving with them is too traumatizing for them. It would go alot easier for them if you all stay in the marital home for now.You can always sell the haunted house later and buy a new one, but for right now, it has equity and you should hold on to that. Just think of the future. Think ahead and make your plans.

 

 

Great posts, Romeo... especially this one.

Thanks for checking in. I had a feeling you'd have some good input for us!

 

 

Mum, I don't know if leaving for the holidays is something I would've elected to do myself if I were in your shoes. I'm pretty stubborn like that though, and I'm not going to 'go away' just because some man thinks I should.

 

But YOU are the 'man on the ground', not me. And you need to do what you think is best.

 

Maybe if you take this time for yourself, you'll be able to "step back" and view the situation less emotionally. It's so much better to be Proactive than Reactive. As I mentioned to Romeo... you're not always going to feel gut-kicked the way you feel right now. If you allow him to maneuver you while you're down... I think you might end up regretting that later.

[Romeo Must Die]

LOL, Gunny. This isn't a vitamin deficiency I'm talking about here. J/K

 

Boo yahhh! Go Marines!

[Romeo Must Die]

LJ she is going to need help getting thru her emotional divorce, they fall out of love with us and we're expected to know how to deal with that. It's hard. Also, mum is JFO and STBX and those are two seperate things altogether. She needs lots of TLC and a shoulder to cry on.

 

The makeover can keep for now. When Romeo and I were seperated, I followed my faith and behaved like a good wife. It wasn't too hard. I wasnt ready to be divorced yet. I didn't spend my time crying over my problems in kareoke bars either, or jumping on the next man who asked me out. I was trenched in and prepared for battle.

 

Later on when we made our divorce official, I traded my platinum ring for a belly ring. (No not REALLY. I kept the ring) I was just going to get a fake one, but then I thought, Hey. why fake it. I'm no fake I'm the real deal! Lets do this! The ex came to pick up the kids one night and I had a half shirt and lowrisers on and he noticed the little crystal accessory attached to my navel. I just played the dumb blonde just for LOL's.

 

[Guest]

I've been reading this thread and I don't think it's right to advise someone to hold on to their marriage when their spouse has come straight out and told you he doesn't want you. I think one should take a person at their word. If he was callous enough to say those things to you Mum you should believe him and start looking at your life without him. To hold on to hope that he will "come around" is foolish after what he has said to you.

 

It sounds like this man wants you to leave your home and that's why he keeps treating you as mean as possible. The way he sounds I don't know if you should go away for Christmas or not, he may change the locks and say you left him. It sounds like he has no love or respect left for you. I'm sorry to sound hard but you have to see this for what it is. You really need to stop worrying about him and the OW and start working on what you are going to do for yourself and your kids.

[mum2three]

Hi there,

 

I truly know that he does want me to leave so that it would be easy for him to deal with it. He doesn't love me and by his actions he has no respect for me. I do believe that he sincerely feels this way b/c he has said that he is finally being truthful to himself. He told me he has left the marriage a long time ago and that he has moved on. He finally had the nerve to tell me and expects me to work together and deal with it amicably with him. He thinks he is doing me a favor by not slamming me with the papers. He is very arrogant.

 

I don;t worry about the whole lock thing. He knows I am returning. I do have a mean side too and it will come out.

 

No, I can't pine over someone who is so callous and selfish. It just doesn't make sense.

[Dad_of_3]

Hi Mum,

 

You certainly sound alot more focused than before.

I'd like to post to some of your posts but it will have to wait ill I get back from last minute Chrissy shopping

 

Take Care !

[mum2three]

Looking forward to hearing from u. I am more focused b/c I realize that this is it. I can't breathe now but that is beside the point. His goal is to kick me out of his life. It hurts alot to see someone turn on you like a rabid animal. I really hope i can do this.

 

Everyone is shopping and doing the holiday thing. I can't even think about that. I will need to get thru this coming wk when I go back home. I don't know what to expect....