I'm drowning....husband wants out

[mikicmikido]

Wow mum, it is remarkable how much better mentally that you seem. You have been in your situation for several months now, but for me having just read all of your stuff, it is a very obvious, yet gradual transition in your frame of mind.

 

Your story affected me on so many levels. The way he treated you is my worst fear about my H, even though I didn't know it until reading your stuff. The way you handled things, or didn't handle things at times, seemed like it could have come from my playbook. I would have responded very much in the same way as you. Consequently, hearing that you are so well and further ahead is an enormous confidence boost to me. I also feel that I have learned from you what to do and what not to do. I am not sure if that is necessarily a good thing or not, cause maybe it is important to go through some of the crap that you did whereas I feel like I am nipping it in the bud before things even reach ugly levels.

 

I don't know where your husbands frame of mind is at now, but I have to tell you that it seemed to me that there never was a window for you to get him back when this all started even though some posters here felt that there was. I feel the same way regarding my situation now. You just know when the spell is broken. When they are not the person that you know anymore and they don't see you how they used to anymore either.

 

It is this realization that is the hardest. I just don't FEEL any kindness or breaks in the armor in him at all, and your husband came across the same way. It is hard to catch up to where they are emotionally when it feels like it was sprung on you all of a sudden, even if there were lots of signs there.

 

I think the reason that I allowed things to get so far gone was because divorce or not leaving eachother was really not in my repertoire or mindset. We were MARRIED. Married means forever to me, good or bad, as the vows state. I didn't know that I had to constantly plan for how to keep him here or with me, I thought that was a guarantee when we were married. I guess a marriage certificate really doesn't mean anything. It just makes it more complicated to extricate yourself from the scenario, but that's about it.

 

Whoa. I'll pipe down now.

[mum2three]

Yes, it was a working progress to acceptance and even positive thinking for my OWN future. I will tell you that my inaction was b/c I was afraid of rocking the boat in hopes of reconciliation b/c I just finished bearing his children!! My daughter was not even 2 yrs old when he dropped the bomb. We were truly esctatic having a little girl this time. She has two older bros and we thought she would be a wonderful addition to our happy family.

 

Hence, I certainly did not believe in helping him file for D. It was not what I wanted nor do I want my children to see that evidence in the future. Also, I wanted to believe that he still had some love for me. I wanted to feel that the old H would come around at some point. However, as I saw him financially strangle me and his defense of his "friendship" with OW. I had to face the truth. He was not doing anything to save this M or this family. In fact, he was cold, arrogant, and calculative.

 

Just like you I was incomplete shock that he would even consider D! I didn't know that I was the only one that believed in "for better or for worse" and "in sickness and in health". I knew things were tough after just having baby #3 but I would not consider leaving him if he fell ill.

 

I just became disgusted by this person and I know I deserved better. Staying in the house with him did not make me see this. I was absorbed with being mom full time and still taking care of the home. My role has not changed except for my status as wife with no finances and no respect. He would make condescending remarks and criticize me about the kids or household chores. If things aren't going according to his schedule or flow, he is all antsy and peevy. Why should I subject myself to this crap when I am no longer considered your wife? Why should my kids see him treat me this way? Why should I see him contin. contact w/ OW and date while I'm home with our family? This is mental cruelty.

 

I think the court of law is crazy if they think that I am "abandoning" my kids. I am available at any time and my kids have daily contact with me. I would not leave unless the sitch is so mentally unbearable. He told me to get my own place and find a job so he can write off childcare even with our D. How cold is that?? He's the one with the OW and doesn't want to be married anymore.

 

I will tell you that he won't even answer my calls & barely acknowlege my emails about the kids. He will put me straight to my S5. My daughter asked me to sing the "I love you, you love me" Barney song over and over last nite on the phone. Well, then I hear silence and I am calling her then the boys and no answer. He doesn't even have the decency to tell me that they have gone to bed or something and we'll just call back tomorrow. He left me hanging waiting for the kids.

 

So, as shocked as you are that your H is acting like he does not even know who you are it is for real. There must be something going on and a little snooping I'm sure you would find it. I always thought my H was super straight-laced and his friends would not even question his integrity & character. Then I find a stack of cell records revealing his R with OW for at least 6 mon! No wonder I didn't feel his support when I was going thru my condition. Of course, he kept saying that he was supportive but I just didn't accept it. The pieces of the puzzle is coming together.

 

I have read your thread too. I think you should learn from me and get on the ball with protecting your finances. Get everything that is in your name. Do you have children? I didn't think I read that in your post. But that is even better. Get an attorney and protect the house, accts, and file for support since you were helping him in his job.

 

I am sorry you are going thru this. No one person is 100% correct in a M failing. It pains me to see my own shortcomings and how blinded I was in understanding his needs. But in the end, my H is a small man for treating the mother of his children this way. That is why I vow to be happy and treat myself with the respect that I deserve. I know I would be a healthier mother and more productive person. When he criticizes me, I defend myself but in a positive manner. I will not go on any tirades or fights b/c he is not worth my time. When he does something simple for me like offering dinner I say thank you with much enthusiasm. My doors are always open to discuss the kids. I am chipper and will even small talk about things with him but have no R talk anymore.

 

Mik, chin up and get out of the house and do something everyday for yourself. It is a start. You will get out of the funk faster. Your H is not coming back to a woman crying over a casserole that you cooked for him waiting at the kitchen table. But first, get to the bank and set up your finances b4 things get ugly and you don't have a penny to your name. Money is everything when you don't have love!

[Gunny376]

Yes, it was a working progress to acceptance and even positive thinking for my OWN future. I will tell you that my inaction was b/c I was afraid of rocking the boat in hopes of reconciliation b/c I just finished bearing his children!! My daughter was not even 2 yrs old when he dropped the bomb. We were truly esctatic having a little girl this time. She has two older bros and we thought she would be a wonderful addition to our happy family.

 

Hence, I certainly did not believe in helping him file for D. It was not what I wanted nor do I want my children to see that evidence in the future. Also, I wanted to believe that he still had some love for me. I wanted to feel that the old H would come around at some point. However, as I saw him financially strangle me and his defense of his "friendship" with OW. I had to face the truth. He was not doing anything to save this M or this family. In fact, he was cold, arrogant, and calculative.

 

Just like you I was incomplete shock that he would even consider D! I didn't know that I was the only one that believed in "for better or for worse" and "in sickness and in health". I knew things were tough after just having baby #3 but I would not consider leaving him if he fell ill.

 

I just became disgusted by this person and I know I deserved better. Staying in the house with him did not make me see this. I was absorbed with being mom full time and still taking care of the home. My role has not changed except for my status as wife with no finances and no respect. He would make condescending remarks and criticize me about the kids or household chores. If things aren't going according to his schedule or flow, he is all antsy and peevy. Why should I subject myself to this crap when I am no longer considered your wife? Why should my kids see him treat me this way? Why should I see him contin. contact w/ OW and date while I'm home with our family? This is mental cruelty.

 

I think the court of law is crazy if they think that I am "abandoning" my kids. I am available at any time and my kids have daily contact with me. I would not leave unless the sitch is so mentally unbearable. He told me to get my own place and find a job so he can write off childcare even with our D. How cold is that?? He's the one with the OW and doesn't want to be married anymore.

 

I will tell you that he won't even answer my calls & barely acknowlege my emails about the kids. He will put me straight to my S5. My daughter asked me to sing the "I love you, you love me" Barney song over and over last nite on the phone. Well, then I hear silence and I am calling her then the boys and no answer. He doesn't even have the decency to tell me that they have gone to bed or something and we'll just call back tomorrow. He left me hanging waiting for the kids.

 

So, as shocked as you are that your H is acting like he does not even know who you are it is for real. There must be something going on and a little snooping I'm sure you would find it. I always thought my H was super straight-laced and his friends would not even question his integrity & character. Then I find a stack of cell records revealing his R with OW for at least 6 mon! No wonder I didn't feel his support when I was going thru my condition. Of course, he kept saying that he was supportive but I just didn't accept it. The pieces of the puzzle is coming together.

 

I have read your thread too. I think you should learn from me and get on the ball with protecting your finances. Get everything that is in your name. Do you have children? I didn't think I read that in your post. But that is even better. Get an attorney and protect the house, accts, and file for support since you were helping him in his job.

 

I am sorry you are going thru this. No one person is 100% correct in a M failing. It pains me to see my own shortcomings and how blinded I was in understanding his needs. But in the end, my H is a small man for treating the mother of his children this way. That is why I vow to be happy and treat myself with the respect that I deserve. I know I would be a healthier mother and more productive person. When he criticizes me, I defend myself but in a positive manner. I will not go on any tirades or fights b/c he is not worth my time. When he does something simple for me like offering dinner I say thank you with much enthusiasm. My doors are always open to discuss the kids. I am chipper and will even small talk about things with him but have no R talk anymore.

 

Mik, chin up and get out of the house and do something everyday for yourself. It is a start. You will get out of the funk faster. Your H is not coming back to a woman crying over a casserole that you cooked for him waiting at the kitchen table. But first, get to the bank and set up your finances b4 things get ugly and you don't have a penny to your name. Money is everything when you don't have love!

 

 

You're not fooling the Guns!

 

You've cried a river writing this!

[mum2three]

I don't get your implications.

[Gunny376]

I was commenting on your sorrow and pain getting through this!

 

Giving the old stiff upper lip ~ despite the bloody lip!

 

Taking "it" on the chin!

 

Being "Gung Ho"

 

On being a trooper!

[mum2three]

You have been a tremendous source of support for me. I do respect that. Yes, when I talk about it I still feel the hurt. I am one of those emotional people unfortunately.

BUT I am doing things whereas I was paralyzed before with only grief. I could not sleep, eat, or think about anything else. I think Mik is at this stage. I am hoping she can get out of it faster than me.

 

So

yes, I am being positive during most of the day...even with the stiff bloody lip. If I think it, say it, and do it, then i will believe it. Anyway, do you salsa? I am looking into some salsa lessons.