On and off relationships: CAN they end up working??

[princessa]

Do any of you KNOW any people who have been in on and off relationships and fought non-stop at the beginning for at least a year and ended up pulling it off and calming down and finally having a quiet and loving relationship?? IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!?!?!?

[Black_diamond]

Yeah, I have been in an on and off relationship for over 8 years now. My advice to you is to keep the relationship off. But if you feel like you can't walk away from him, MAYBE try to keep him as an associate/casual friend ONLY if you are sure you will not regress into having more feelings for him, and try to start a relationship again.

 

The longer you stay in this, the more he will lose respect for you and see you as a girl he can deal with only when he wants to (when he has no one else to talk to, hang out with, fu*k, etc). There must be something going on to keep the relationship "off", instead of you two staying together and working your problems out.

 

I am learning the hard way what a waste of time "on & offs" are. You should leave it alone before you get emotionally involved and hurt.Go deal with someone who can appreciate what hard work and commitment can do for a relationship.

[princessa]

Wait i'm not talking about going off to other people or hanging out with other people. Just constant fights and break-ups and make-ups.

[Aloros]

Anything is possible. I had a friend in high school whose parents got along great and were obviously in love with one another. Her mother told us the story of how they ended up together. They broke up and got back together seven times. She said that the last time they got back together, she didn't bother telling anyone until he proposed to her (everyone would have been so mad!). She said they got all the fighting out of their systems back then.

 

However possible it may be, however, it's highly improbable.

 

That's the only couple I know of. The rest, even if they'd ended up breaking up only once, eventually were not together.

[Buttaflyy]

Yes I know a couple and they are MISERABLE! ON/OFF for a lot of years. They switch places all the time. For about a year he couldnt live w/o her they had a strained relationship that he refused to let go of. Now it's her turn, she won't let him go and he's miserable. It's draining just thinking about them.

 

They both would be better off apart, but they hold on to the time they've spent together when actually that's ALL they have left!

[dgiirl]

I had a friend who did that. Wasted 10+ years on a dead end relationship. Obvoiusly there's something not working in the relationship, yet both were afraid to be alone, so they kept holding on to each other as a backup. Of course they care about one another, but it's simply not enough to have a long term relationship.

[SmoochieFace]

One of my XGFs tried that 'off-on' crap with me. I told her to get lost and come back when she got her head straightened out.

 

Surprise, surprise... she never came back. Didn't think she could handle it anyway.

[BareGoddess]

I don't know of anyone who has had that kind of relationship where it's worked out...including me. I wasted nine years with an on again/off again relationship. It's draining and furthermore I agree with whoever said that there's a reason why it's "off."

 

I wouldn't waste any more time. The odds are against you in this type of relationship.

[princessa]

Then why is it that everytime we get back together we both have a sense of some sort of progress happening?? But then usually we end up fighting a couple of week later.. so it's like.. 3 steps forward and 2 steps back... WTF

[BareGoddess]

Then why is it that everytime we get back together we both have a sense of some sort of progress happening?? But then usually we end up fighting a couple of week later.. so it's like.. 3 steps forward and 2 steps back... WTF

 

Because you keep going through these fake little "honeymoon" periods. But when that wears off, you have no solid foundation to stand on.

 

I'd get out. Hope you don't waste nine years like I did.

[princessa]

Because you keep going through these fake little "honeymoon" periods.

 

Please don't make such assumptions. We do have a solid base of trust and caring and knowing eachother and being committed... but negative reactions, accumulated resentment, peronal issues and insecurities seem to always come could this stuff..

[princessa]

Because you keep going through these fake little "honeymoon" periods. But when that wears off, you have no solid foundation to stand on.

 

I'd get out. Hope you don't waste nine years like I did.

 

What were your criteria for determining whether your foundation was solid and honeymood periods fake??

[SmoochieFace]

We do have a solid base of trust and caring and knowing eachother and being committed... but negative reactions, accumulated resentment, peronal issues and insecurities seem to always come could this stuff..

 

This sounds like a contradictory statement...

[BareGoddess]

Please don't make such assumptions. We do have a solid base of trust and caring and knowing eachother and being committed... but negative reactions, accumulated resentment, peronal issues and insecurities seem to always come could this stuff..

 

I made no assumptions at all. I speak the truth as I've experienced it. You asked and I answered.

 

It takes WAY more than "trust and caring" to make a relationship work. And I stand by what I said...when your little honeymoon make-up phase wears off the old resentments and everything else that goes with that, comes back. Actually they never go away. They remain just below the surface always EXCEPT for during that little honeymoon phase.

 

Ok, stay with him then. Don't believe me. Waste years and years with him. If you were right to begin with then you wouldn't be breaking it off so many times. Good relationships don't work that way.

 

Sorry you didn't like what I said. Good luck!

[BareGoddess]

What were your criteria for determining whether your foundation was solid and honeymood periods fake??

 

If the foundation was REALLY solid then it wouldn't be on again OFF again..it would be ON all the time. I have had that now for the past 12 years. I know the difference.

 

Honeymoon periods are fake on so many levels. For one, in a REAL relationships you don't keep having these ups and downs like that. It's more even. Does that make sense? No drama.

 

Believe me, I sounded just like you when I was in that kind of relationship. I didn't know any better. I actually thought I had the real thing. Ha ha! The joke was on me. Hope it's not on you too.

[princessa]

I made no assumptions at all. I speak the truth as I've experienced it. You asked and I answered.

 

It takes WAY more than "trust and caring" to make a relationship work. And I stand by what I said...when your little honeymoon make-up phase wears off the old resentments and everything else that goes with that, comes back. Actually they never go away. They remain just below the surface always EXCEPT for during that little honeymoon phase.

 

Ok, stay with him then. Don't believe me. Waste years and years with him. If you were right to begin with then you wouldn't be breaking it off so many times. Good relationships don't work that way.

 

Sorry you didn't like what I said. Good luck!

 

Wow, no need to lash out on me just becuase I asked you to elaborate. And I'm gonna ask again: describe to me what a true solid basis should be like?

[SmoochieFace]

Wow, no need to lash out on me just becuase I asked you to elaborate. And I'm gonna ask again: describe to me what a true solid basis should be like?

 

Here's a start. Not having 'old' insecurities and resentments might help. As long as they are in the picture unaddressed you will never have a 'firm foundation'.

[BareGoddess]

Wow, no need to lash out on me just becuase I asked you to elaborate. And I'm gonna ask again: describe to me what a true solid basis should be like?

 

I didn't lash out, princess. I stated my views in a matter of fact way. You're the one who told me I'm making assumptions. I did describe what you asked me to.

 

NO DRAMA! That's key.

 

Think of any truly succesful relationships that you know of. Do they start off like this? Nope.

 

And you asked if it was possible for this to work...hey, ANYTHING is possible but probable? Nope.

[princessa]

It started off really well actually.. We were friends and had started a nice relationship for about 8 months before all the crap..

 

Hmm truly successful relationships that I know of?? My parents fight DAILY.. that's like the routine in my house.... That's pretty much why I need an outside opinion..

 

I mean you seem like somebody who has had plenty of experience in this.. seeing as how you were in an 8-yr relationship like this.. yet you sill haven't explained what a true relationship means to you.. as opposed to a "fake" on-and-off one... what does it consist of?? trust? compatibility (vague concept)? acceptance? fun? what else??

[princessa]

This sounds like a contradictory statement...

 

YES.. both of these sides are present.. and mutually exclusive.. this is why it's ON and OFF all the timeee!!!!!!!!

 

Sorry I couldn't see your posts right away for some WEIRD reason :\

[Isabella82]

I am doing exactly the samething with my boyfriend, off again on again....but never longer then 1 hour. I too hope that my relationship eventually will even out and we no longer will have these horrible fights.

 

There is also a lot of baggage that I carry from past experiences, resentment, and both of us over reacting in situations but we do love eachother.

 

I was talking to him about this the other day, because I was telling how my ex and I never fought, and I think the opposite of what everyone else is saying.

 

He told me that what my ex and I had was fake, because instead of saying how I really felt or vice versa we would just agree with eachother for the sake of not fighting and making the other person happy.

 

But with this relationship if something bothers me or vice versa we let eachother know. I am not sure if that makes any sense.

 

My relationship is hard because sometimes I am certian that we will make it through but other times I wonder what the hell I am doing wasting my time!!

[BareGoddess]

It started off really well actually.. We were friends and had started a nice relationship for about 8 months before all the crap..

 

Hmm truly successful relationships that I know of?? My parents fight DAILY.. that's like the routine in my house.... That's pretty much why I need an outside opinion..

 

I mean you seem like somebody who has had plenty of experience in this.. seeing as how you were in an 8-yr relationship like this.. yet you sill haven't explained what a true relationship means to you.. as opposed to a "fake" on-and-off one... what does it consist of?? trust? compatibility (vague concept)? acceptance? fun? what else??

 

It was actually nine years but anyway...I think I DID answer the question..comes down to NO DRAMA. But you said you started out fighting constantly and now you're saying you didn't. Doesn't matter though. You are both walking away every time it gets tough. You can't calmly talk things out it seems, right?

 

Yes, a real relationship consists of all the elements you metioned. You left out RESPECT though. And compatiblity is VERY important. It's not a vague concept to me at all. If you're with someone whom you have to keep breaking up with, well then you're NOT compatible. I don't care how good it is while all is well. That alone should tip you off to your incompatiblity. Believe me..I swear I thought that if it was SO perfect when it was good that we were compatible.

 

But you know what? The TRUE test of compatibility is how you both handle things when you DON'T agree. See what I mean? Not such a vague concept after all, is it?

[dgiirl]

princessa, sounds like you feel the need to defend your relationship instead of actually seeking help. Good luck with that.

[princessa]

I am doing exactly the samething with my boyfriend, off again on again....but never longer then 1 hour. I too hope that my relationship eventually will even out and we no longer will have these horrible fights.

 

There is also a lot of baggage that I carry from past experiences, resentment, and both of us over reacting in situations but we do love eachother.

 

I was talking to him about this the other day, because I was telling how my ex and I never fought, and I think the opposite of what everyone else is saying.

 

He told me that what my ex and I had was fake, because instead of saying how I really felt or vice versa we would just agree with eachother for the sake of not fighting and making the other person happy.

 

But with this relationship if something bothers me or vice versa we let eachother know. I am not sure if that makes any sense.

 

My relationship is hard because sometimes I am certian that we will make it through but other times I wonder what the hell I am doing wasting my time!!

 

That's exactly what I'm talking about!!!!!! I agree that a certain level of fighting is healthy.. and I think that bieng young you don't know the best way to handle fights yet... But you learn as you go... We've had so many fights and breakups in the past it's insane.. But now we went from one fight per week to about one fight per month.. sigh...

 

But still I don't know why it feels like I'm wasting my time with him when we're in a fight.. and then when we get back together and focus on what's positive in the relationship I say to myself that I can never let him go...

 

I don't know, I just keep hoping that it's all a communication problem..

[BareGoddess]

Here's a start. Not having 'old' insecurities and resentments might help. As long as they are in the picture unaddressed you will never have a 'firm foundation'.

 

I have to agree with this.

 

Also, Isabella there's truth to what you said about the fact that if you never argue or hash things out it's not real either. There's got to be a balance that makes sense for it to be the real deal.

 

Oh and Isabella, I don't think ONE HOUR of not speaking is classified as on again/off again relationship. But that kind of made me chuckle.