Author Fun2BMe Posted November 21, 2006 Author Share Posted November 21, 2006 You have no idea how. I've been hurt to the very depths of my being. And what I've learnt from is, that I need to be honest about my feelings and tell the person I care for (as well as hurts me) that they are doing so. And why I feel that way. Since then, my outlook on life has completely changed - and so have my resulting relationships. For the better. Hypothetically speaking, how do you think this particular situation will be better if I tell him all these things??? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 well you have two choices F2BM: If you want to continue to be "mistreated" then stay with himIf you don't want to continue then leave him.in my personal opinion you'll do #1. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 If he loved me enough none of this would be happening so Very true. You just want someone that's considerate of your feelings. It's not really asking for much. Who knows what his deal is. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
justagirlforever Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 If he loved me enough none of this would be happening Don't blame it on him. Take responsibility for *your* thoughts and feelings. Remember - he's *not* psychic! Don't lay into him about all the things you perceive that he did wrong. Don't lay guilt on him and pretend it's his fault. You absolutely won't be "needy" by voicing your opinon. What kind of a life is a life without honesty and communication? Inconceivable to me. Hypothetically speaking, how do you think this particular situation will be better if I tell him all these things??? You will feel you have been heard. Even if he doesn't want to hear and doesn't respond in the way that you want him to. You can close your eyes knowing that you did what *you* could. That give me a sense of validation. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 I'm not saying he doesn't deserve to be dumped. He's an ass to you toward sex, and he makes you sleep in the guest bedroom afterward. I'd dump him just for that. But I'm having a problem with your sequence of logic though. You mentioned earlier that he was no longer taking the girl on the business trip. And now you believe he did because you heard a woman laugh at a busy airport terminal. I don't believe most people could recognize one woman's laugh in the background of a phone call, especially if they'd only heard it one time and that was a month ago. Are you assuming he took her because you feel he would lie to you? You've known him for quite a while now, does he lie a lot about stuff like this? Also, Justagirlforever is right on the money. No amount of "love" will hold a relationship together. It takes team work, communication, and effort from both parties. You have taken the communication completely out of your relationship. You deem it as weakness to communicate. I've told you before that my bf is gone most the time for work. I desperately wanted to go with him in the past, and I was pretty sure he could take someone with him. He'd said others take their spouses or kids, so I assumed he could take me if he wanted to. But he never asked. Which hurt me because I felt like he didn't want to spend time with me, was ashamed of me, and didn't love me very much if he didn't want to take me with him. I bottled all this up for several months, feeling more and more depressed about it. One day he was talking about another worker who had his spouse with him all the time. And I finally just blurted out, "Why don't you ever take me?". He gave me this shocked look, and told me he believed I didn't want to go. That it would be boring, and it wasn't something I could ever be interested in, so he hadn't asked. But he was really happy I wanted to go. And after a lot of hassels on his end, he finally got permission for me to go with him for a couple trips. The point is, I thought he didn't want me to go. He thought I didn't want to go. Our communication got crossed, and it took me speaking my mind to clear it up. But I had to open my mouth and tell him what I was thinking and feeling. He never would've jumped to the conclusion that I had really wanted to go if I had never said anything to him. I don't understand how communication is "low", or that you would be "stooping" to talk to him. Why is this such a bad thing to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted November 21, 2006 Author Share Posted November 21, 2006 I don't understand how communication is "low", or that you would be "stooping" to talk to him. Why is this such a bad thing to you? First of all I am sure that the girl was her. They were on a tram headed towards the plane so it was someone who was boarding the same plane and sitting right next to him for me to hear her like she was practically on the phone herself. He laugh was in response to a joke he made to me. And no ordinarily he never lies or keeps anything from me. Maybe he saw how upset I was about it so he never brought it up again. The last I knew was that he told her he wasn't sure if she would be able to go and that was a couple of weeks ago. He never talked to her in my presence again and I didn't want to ask about it like a jealous g.f. As far as stooping low. Everytime I start to talk about my problems he interrupts me to ask if I am seeing a therapist. THen I feel programmed to stop communicating with him and he gets very upset and frustrated that I don't talk to him. He sends me mixed signals. One is to shut up and save it for the therapist so I shut up. Then it's why don't I talk to him so he can't keep playing games like that. Even Sunday the few hours we had together I wanted to bring everything up. At one point he said what was I thinking about. I said about how sad I was going to feel once he left again. Instead of asking why or talking about it, his answer was when is my next therapy session! But if it is something he WANTS to discuss with me and I hold back, he will say something like I know he's inteliigent, why would I keep anything from him, he could offer his advice and so on. So basically he picks and chooses what he wants to hear from me and my defense mechanism is to clam up because I can't take it any more. Also he had called the cell phone company to get a program for discounted international calls. Then he told me instead of his daily calls we'd have to communicate via email on this trip. Yet the first thing he does when he gets into his hotel is call me from some internet provider that he says in his vm is affordable but I would have to have to download the program on my computer, do I have it and so on. Well, why didn't he tell me about all that before he left, make sure we'd be able to talk. He probably told all his other friends and family about it but probably out of guilt used it to call me. Did he think he'd be stuck with an obligation to call me daily if he shared that service with me? Screw that.I feel like he just doesn't care or something. Yet he was being so affectionate when I saw him. I've read that that could be a sign of cheating when they are unusually close and affectionate the way he was towards me. He even had sex with me, I would say it was the first time in almost 2 months. Afterwards he said something like he was wondering why he hasn't appreciated my body as much in the past. I almost wanted to cry but I thought to myself, don't flatter yourself he's probably doing all this out of guilt or obligation. Whenever he senses I am getting distant he'll pull all the stops so then when things go back to normal, it's hard for me to believe he doesn't know what is up, that I have to spell everything out to him. Also Walk as far as you having to tell your SO you wanted to go on the trip with him. In my case he brings it up a few weeks before his trip, saying maybe I can fly in to visit for a weekend or a few days, something to that effect. I don't even expect it to be paid. I'll start looking up flights and get all excited. Then he never brings it up again or in some way implies I won't be going! I think on the previous trip that was the last straw, especially since his work was only a couple days a week and he was there for 3 1/2 weeks, plenty of time to have me over. I could've even flown in weekly if only for a day or two each time. And it shouldn't be just about me either. I have reason to believe he knows I would want to visit since he brings it up, but the thing is I would want him to want me to be with him too. Why should it be that he can tell me he misses me ad nauseum while he's away but never asks for me to be there with him. Let's say he assumes I don't want to be with him which is not realistic, wouldn't he still at least ask me because HE wants me there? I would say the same would hold with regards to your husband as well except that he completely assumed you wouldn't want to be going on the trip whereas I have reason to believe he knows I do. And if he did want me to but thinks I don't, then why wouldn't HE communicate and tell me he wants me to be there but thinks I don't? Why should I be the only communicator? The reality is he communicates EVERYTHING on ohis mind and is the opposite of me so if he never brings up he wants me there then he doesn't but only acts like he does by bringing it up now and then like to tease me or something. I don't know if it's my lack of communication or does he have to meet somewhere halfway. Instead of acting like he's clueless about everything. Instead of telling me to see a therapist everytime I open my mouth about something that's not happy but bothering me. I don't know what to do. I am thiking I will make plans to go away for Christmas and new years and leave him hanging just like he has been doing to me. First I'll tell him I have lost all my feelings for him and then that I am going on a trip I had already planned for and sed how he feels about it. If he's hurt good. If he doesn't care which I doubt then we weren't meant to be together anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 Have you ever thought that maybe you have a lot of issues that you need to take care of and it would be better to do this outside of having a relationship?? As in spend some times alone and get help... Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 First of all, the fact that you're looking for advice on how to hurt your bf says to me that you don't love him. Also he had called the cell phone company to get a program for discounted international calls. Then he told me instead of his daily calls we'd have to communicate via email on this trip. Yet the first thing he does when he gets into his hotel is call me from some internet provider that he says in his vm is affordable but I would have to have to download the program on my computer, do I have it and so on. Well, why didn't he tell me about all that before he left, make sure we'd be able to talk. He probably told all his other friends and family about it but probably out of guilt used it to call me. Did he think he'd be stuck with an obligation to call me daily if he shared that service with me? Screw that.I feel like he just doesn't care or something. That is completely absurd. Don't you think it's possible that he didn't find out about it until he got there. Maybe one of the people on the trip with him told him about it. Maybe someone one the plane told him. If he didn't want to talk to you and didn't care, he wouldn't have called you. The amount of distrust you have for your bf baffles me. Why do you stay with someone who's motives you constantly question. It's painful for you and unfair to him. Yet he was being so affectionate when I saw him. I've read that that could be a sign of cheating when they are unusually close and affectionate the way he was towards me. Or maybe he just missed you. Also Walk as far as you having to tell your SO you wanted to go on the trip with him. In my case he brings it up a few weeks before his trip, saying maybe I can fly in to visit for a weekend or a few days, something to that effect. I don't even expect it to be paid. I'll start looking up flights and get all excited. Then he never brings it up again or in some way implies I won't be going! I think on the previous trip that was the last straw, especially since his work was only a couple days a week and he was there for 3 1/2 weeks, plenty of time to have me over. I could've even flown in weekly if only for a day or two each time. And it shouldn't be just about me either. I have reason to believe he knows I would want to visit since he brings it up, but the thing is I would want him to want me to be with him too. Why should it be that he can tell me he misses me ad nauseum while he's away but never asks for me to be there with him. Let's say he assumes I don't want to be with him which is not realistic, wouldn't he still at least ask me because HE wants me there? Fun, you just said he asks you a lot. He wouldn't ask if he didn't want you to come. How do you react when he asks you? Are you enthusiastic and let him know you're finding plane tickets or do you just say ok and then start looking for tickets without him knowing? If he knows you're looking, it's pretty insensitive of him to exclude you. However, if he doesn't know you are and you're not making it clear that you're excited about going, then once he offers and you don't seem too enthusiastic, he's most likely going to assume you don't want to go. Most people would. Anway Fun, I really think you should break up with him. This relationship isn't healthy, and time alone will be good for you. I think the best thing for you would be a relationship hiatus of 6 months or more. EDIT: Forgot to add that I think the best way to break up with him is just to tell him that you're not happy and you need to work through some issues on your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted November 22, 2006 Author Share Posted November 22, 2006 Have you ever thought that maybe you have a lot of issues that you need to take care of and it would be better to do this outside of having a relationship?? As in spend some times alone and get help... I am getting help as far as I started to see a therapist. Our second session which would've been this past Monday was canceled as he was out of town so my next session is next Monday which I am looking forward to as I found the first session to be very helpful and therapeutic. As far as taking care of my issues outside of having a relationship - I know that advice sounds good, but from life experiences I have come to believe that the best way to learn and grow is by doing things, not isolating myself and learning. I think if I apply what I learn as I go along, from the experience, whether good or bad, I will learn more than learning theoretically in isolation. I might be wrong, but it's like taking a virtual tour of a foreign city. You can see and think you are experiencing it, but I'm sure actually being there will be a whole different experience. That's why I don't want to give up I guess. If not him, I will have issues with someone else, so why not work on them, on and with him instead of by myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted November 23, 2006 Author Share Posted November 23, 2006 First of all, the fact that you're looking for advice on how to hurt your bf says to me that you don't love him. If I didn't love him, I would just let it go and it wouldn't get to me as much as it has been. I want to hurt him not to only hurt him like pain, but so he will understand what I am feeling. If I ddin't love him, I wouldn't be hurting either. I just wouldn't let it get to me and wouldn't care. Don't you think the more you love someone the more pain and pleasure you experience? That is completely absurd. Don't you think it's possible that he didn't find out about it until he got there. Maybe one of the people on the trip with him told him about it. Maybe someone one the plane told him. If he didn't want to talk to you and didn't care, he wouldn't have called you. I took your comment into consideration. What happened was after crying all day yesterday, I thought maybe he really did find out about the program on the plane so this afternoon I downloaded that program and sent him an 'add' request. As I was on the computer as soon as he woke up 6:30am his time he placed a call to me! I was in a better mood and he seemed so happy to catch me at a good time when I sounded chearful to hear from him. He did say that he uses this service whenever he is out of the country so I felt a little upset still that he had not told me about it before, but then I realized he always calls me on his cell phone when he's away which costs a lot so I wasn't sure why I should be so upset about that. So we ended up talking and I guess because I was more talkative and not so moody he told me more about his trip, what he had been doing. Things that I was wondering about but upset he wasn't telling me about as if he was keeping me out of the loop, but now I realize maybe he wasn't sharing so much with me because he kept sensing how upset I was that he was going. I even told him I was wondering about all those things and he said he'd keep me posted on what he does. Or maybe he just missed you. That also made me feel better, that you wrote maybe he just missed me. I don't know why I make him out to be like a monster, so maybe he did just miss me. That has helped me to feel more forgiving towards him. Fun, you just said he asks you a lot. He wouldn't ask if he didn't want you to come. What's the point if he asks but doesn't follow through? How do you react when he asks you? Are you enthusiastic and let him know you're finding plane tickets or do you just say ok and then start looking for tickets without him knowing? I play it very cool and don't comment or tell him I am looking for tickets. I don't want to seem desperate like I've been waiting for him to ask me. But then he never will bring it up again! Or else I know he has changed his mind when he says something along the lines of 'he'll see me x amount of time' as in when he gets back. Then I start feeling resentment towards him like he was only leading me on AGAIN. If he knows you're looking, it's pretty insensitive of him to exclude you. However, if he doesn't know you are and you're not making it clear that you're excited about going, then once he offers and you don't seem too enthusiastic, he's most likely going to assume you don't want to go. Most people would. Well, maybe you are right but I don't know how he would think I wouldn't want to go. What if I had gone so far to purchase the tickets, what does he expect when he asks me then never brings it up again or follows through with the whole plan. Anway Fun, I really think you should break up with him. This relationship isn't healthy, and time alone will be good for you. I think the best thing for you would be a relationship hiatus of 6 months or more. Well, as of today things seem better and it's all because I had the opportunity to either continue feeling miserable and say something mean to break up, or forced myself to sound chearful which I did and he ended up filling me in on a lot of info I was going crazy starting to imagine he was doing this or that. I even wrote many emails that were extremely negative but ended up deleting them. I then thought what the heck and sent him a very positive, upbeat one. He responded very long like he has never done before, told me to write to him whenever I wanted to and that he'd get write back to me and so on. I thought wow, this could've gone the complete opposite direction. THen after that he called me and it was when I sounded upbeat and he wanted to hear if I was really feeling as good as I sounded in my email, then he shared all the details of the trip, said he'd be checking up on me again and so on and things have taken a complete different turn than I thought. EDIT: Forgot to add that I think the best way to break up with him is just to tell him that you're not happy and you need to work through some issues on your own. I think that's brilliant. It won't blame him but it's like I'm taking responsibility for my own feelings. For all I know at this point the way the dynamics keep changing back and forth, this may come handy soon. It's all so confusing right now but the feedback has been useful and makes me see things differently. Link to post Share on other sites
ely Posted November 23, 2006 Share Posted November 23, 2006 Thank you. I just need full support to do it. I mean he called me once he boarded the plane and I could hear the girl laughing in the background. I think that was the last straw. He had given me the impression after I cried the night he invited her that she couldn't go after all. Then we never brought it about again and when she had left him a voicemail he never callled back while I was with him. And then the last time I hear from him before he takes off and the girl is laughing in the background while I'm sitting here wondering what they are doing in an exotic country for a fun business trip together, while he again in our last phone conversation said to make sure I talk to the therapist because I don't sound too happy! So no, I'm not going to spill it out to the fullest and literally tell him all my feelings when he's acting so ignorant about them. I want to know what to tell him though. Something good so at least I will feel better knowing I have that to look forward to tell him once he gets back all happy. Screw that, I'm so mad and angry I need help what to tell him to hurt him back. So far I show him how depressed and sad I am. He calls late his time zone where he travels, early evening where I am. I always make sure i'm home to take his calls so he sees I am sitting around waiting for him. I bend over backwards not to make him jealous otherwise I know he does. I do so much yet he takes me for granted I think because I do do so much. Now my stragedy should be maybe to show him I'm happy and don't care? I need help
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