My boyfriend doesn't care enough so I want to hurt him back

[chill chic]

Can you expand on that? How will I leave him with dignity yet hurt him at the same time? That's what I want to find out. Hope to get some good responses for when i get back from my class in a few hrs. thnx.

 

well from my experience...briefly...I ended it with my ex of 5 years, after he was controlling/overjealous, the list goes on..I had enough of his ignorance & he had a hunch that I would eventually leave him..well one day he told me "you'd be a jerk if you left me without me knowing" when he said that, I thought "me a jerk? HUH you(him)obviously don't know how bad you're treating me" So..the next day, I called my dad, told him what I was doing, called my work, and packed up all my stuff in 3 hours and slammed the door, all while he was at work. I left a note on the door telling him that I had cut off his phone (because it was in my name) needless to say...he turned a lil psycho..came to my parent's house & tried to break in the door, called the cops, the cops told him he'd be arrested if he didn't stay away from me. that's when I knew that his ego was hurt BAD, because he realized that he couldn't have me back as his little puppet.

long story short, leaving him was the best thing that I've ever done, because I have my life back, my dignity back. that's what I mean by dignity because he can't have me, probably the best thing he'd ever have, but he lost it due to his selfishness & arrogance.

like I said, you won't realize the importance of it now, but believe me, you will later down the road. I'm not sure how bad your relationship is, but if you ever lose your sense of self in a relationship, it's time to get out.

[justagirlforever]

I'm not going to stoop that low. The whole point is that if HE wanted me with him he'd have asked. I'm not about to invite myself or tell him to.

"Stoop" as low as making yourself clear and voicing your opinion and wishes?? My goodness, those around us generally aren't phychic! You can't live in a world where you expect people to just know your wants and needs. Not everyone is the same and see things the same way.

Communication, communication, communication is all I can say. Keep that in mind for future relationships.

[Fun2BMe]

You can't hurt anybody that's indifferent. It's just not worth your energy.

 

If it was that simple and he was simply indifferent, I would've walked away a long time ago. The thing is, that now that we got back together, he does all the things he never did before which had lead up to our split. He takes me out more, spends more time with me and all the things I've always wanted from him. Now that I have those things, he still seems to be breaking my heart.

 

In the past when he'd travel, even if he called once or twice throughout the trip, I was fine with it. Now, he calls every night and twice sometimes plus sends emails and I still feel like he's abandoning me. On top of it he takes another girl. Other men from his work went to so I feel dumb singling her out, but I wish he didn't have to invite her with me listening in on it to hear how happy she was about it while he chooses not to take me.

 

This is why it's so difficult to finish things up. I hate leaving someone while I still have feelings for them. Usually my feelings get turned off suddenly and I walk away without looking back. In this case, I am scared if I will regret it or if he ends up feeling so fed up with me that he'll be ok with it. I don't know and I feel more and more hurt and confused. I can't even sleep. He said he'd email and he hasn't yet. I'm up waiting for it and if he doesn't send it then I will sit here thinking he forgot all about me already

[alphamale]

Is she a co-worker of his and involved in the business at hand? If she is then it may be ok but if she's not then you need to dump this dude proto.

[Fun2BMe]

I know it's for work. She's Chinese and speaks Chinese. He's going to China. they have worked together and at times still do so I understand him asking her to go. He told her they could visit her family. He's never even shown interest to meet mine, yet he's flying across the globe to meet hers, for "her sake." I swear I can't take this.

 

My problem is that it is in fact a fun type of trip, it is for the entertainment industry and maybe a couple of days of it will be for "work" the rest is sightseeing and fun since they're all the way out there. So why the hell not ask me to come along too??? Am I out of line here?

[Trialbyfire]

I'm having some issues understanding your relationship. It doesn't sound like a very functional one if your guy is inviting another woman along on a fun business trip while his g/f is listening. It's called a lack of respect. I'm wondering how healthy this relationship is.

[Fun2BMe]

I'm having some issues understanding your relationship. It doesn't sound like a very functional one if your guy is inviting another woman along on a fun business trip while his g/f is listening. It's called a lack of respect. I'm wondering how healthy this relationship is.

 

That was my original problem but everyone told me he did that because it shows he has nothing to hide and it's not a relationship outside of business. I don't get it though. I'm trying to make sense out of it so I don't come across as not being understanding or like some jealous gf. But call me weak, I can't handle this.

[alphamale]

My problem is that it is in fact a fun type of trip, it is for the entertainment industry and maybe a couple of days of it will be for "work" the rest is sightseeing and fun since they're all the way out there. So why the hell not ask me to come along too??? Am I out of line here?

Well one reason is the company won't pay your way and I'm sure that trip will cost at least $5,000 to $10,000 per person.

[Fun2BMe]

Well one reason is the company won't pay your way and I'm sure that trip will cost at least $5,000 to $10,000 per person.

 

See this only gets me back to making excuses for him all the time. If he wanted me to go, a) he'd pay for me or b) he'd ask me to pay or c) the most likely option is that if he really wanted to he could've gotten them to pay for me too. It took him one phone call for him to make up how she's involved in the business (she's not directly involved in the current project in any way, I am making excuses that he could use her for translating, that because they've worked together in the PAST that she is still directly involved). He didn't say you could do this or that, he said by going on the trip, you'll be able to visit your family, have a free trip at no cost to you. She was literally shreiking of happiness and at the same time I started crying yet he pretended not to notice how upset I was. The trip is mostly catered around my bf and he can pull all the strings for them to cater to his needs so really, I am a very patient person who takes so much but I feel like it's the last straw in a way.

 

Even if their relationship is platnoic, which is what is in my head, I am still very upset at this whole thing. Maybe I shouldn't be? I guess I am a very giving and loving person. If I was in his shoes, I would've taken him along, not made the call the way he did in front of me to another man asking him to come along. It just doesn't add up any more but maybe I am being unreasonable. I really don't know. All I know is that my feelings are hurt.

[alphamale]

Even if their relationship is platnoic, which is what is in my head, I am still very upset at this whole thing. Maybe I shouldn't be?

Were other co-workers of his taking spouses or significant others?

[Fun2BMe]

Were other co-workers of his taking spouses or significant others?

 

That's what I'm wondering very badly. I am wondering if in fact they offered him AND A GUEST the trip. It wouldn't make sense for it to be for one person. Then maybe because I was listening he told her he'd call and ask if she could come along and he said he was sure they wouldn't have a problem with it!!! Then it never came up again until he called me before the airline was taking off. He said something funny to me but I heard her stupid shreiking laugh, the same one I heard on the speakerphone that was already ringing in my head. My stomach churned and I was in a hurry to hang up.

[alphamale]

I am wondering if in fact they offered him AND A GUEST the trip.

I've never see that and i've worked for a number of very large companies. Maybe very very high level management my get this option but now a days even that may not be possible. Generally they may say you can take someone but they have to pay their own way if they're not an employee.

[justagirlforever]

Am I out of line here?

 

Yes. Under the circumstances of not actually sitting down and having an adult conversation with him about this.

 

I guess I am a very giving and loving person.

 

For someone who comes across as spiteful & seeking revenge and doesn't want to communicate - it's a little hard for me to see that transpire through your posts.

 

Stop kidding yourself that this is all his fault.

[CyprusLair]

The problem is that, No matter what everybody tells you here, you will always lean back to him.

[Fun2BMe]

While sitting here crying and after being up all night, i have the best idea of what to tell him. I am going to tell him the truth, which is that during our last conversation, I suddenly lost all my feelings for him. I'll say it had been slowly going away but for some reason I just don't feel anything any more. Let him do some brainstorming and I'm sure he'll put 2 and 2 together.

 

If not, he's not as tuned into my feelings as I'd want someone I'm with to be anyways. If he takes it at face value that it happened out of the blue for no reason, that will hurt him. If he figures it was because of the girl in the background and all his traveling w/o me that too will hurt him. I will finally have done it with dignity and maybe it will help me feel better.

[Fun2BMe]

For someone who comes across as spiteful & seeking revenge and doesn't want to communicate - it's a little hard for me to see that transpire through your posts.

 

Stop kidding yourself that this is all his fault.

 

Maybe a SO hasn't made you feel this hurt before. I am desperate to feel better without resorting to something like alcohol or drugs. i am really in a lot of pain and if inflicting a tiny bit on him will make me feel better, then I am in my current not so stable state of mind justifying it. And I'm not kidding myself to think this is all his fault. I keep saying that there's a chance I'm wrong and shouldn't be upset about anything. But I can't help feeling how I am.

[Trialbyfire]

While sitting here crying and after being up all night, i have the best idea of what to tell him. I am going to tell him the truth, which is that during our last conversation, I suddenly lost all my feelings for him. I'll say it had been slowly going away but for some reason I just don't feel anything any more. Let him do some brainstorming and I'm sure he'll put 2 and 2 together.

 

If not, he's not as tuned into my feelings as I'd want someone I'm with to be anyways. If he takes it at face value that it happened out of the blue for no reason, that will hurt him. If he figures it was because of the girl in the background and all his traveling w/o me that too will hurt him. I will finally have done it with dignity and maybe it will help me feel better.

You're still not being direct. Just tell him calmly the full reason why you're upset and see how he reacts.

[Fun2BMe]

I've never see that and i've worked for a number of very large companies. Maybe very very high level management my get this option but now a days even that may not be possible. Generally they may say you can take someone but they have to pay their own way if they're not an employee.

 

In that case he did a lot of talking and convincing to get HER not me to go along. Not sure which is worse.

[Fun2BMe]

You're still not being direct. Just tell him calmly the full reason why you're upset and see how he reacts.

 

He's the one who wanted me to see a therapist. So I'll tell the therapist. If he wanted to make himself available for me to talk to instead of to a therapist, then he'd get my guts spilled out to him. Since he chose me to instead spend a bundle on a pricey therapist to avoid hearing my problems, then why should he get to hear this one. I am feeling better already, I can't wait to tell him that I 'suddenly have lost all my feelings.' I think now I can go to sleep in peace.

[alphamale]

In that case he did a lot of talking and convincing to get HER not me to go along. Not sure which is worse.

but the company paid for her to go....he would have had to pay $10,000 for you to go. and she can act as interpreter which you could not.

 

its a business decision, plain and simple...

[justagirlforever]

Well done for taking the step to actually think about speaking with him

But do you actually (deep down) want a relationship with him?

If you do, then be just a little more mature about it - or try to - or even just think about trying to. Instead of washing your hands and saying "that's it" fix it or deal with it - why don't you lay your feelings on the table. Tell him what you've been telling us. Be honest with him.

[Fun2BMe]

but the company paid for her to go....he would have had to pay $10,000 for you to go. and she can act as interpreter which you could not.

 

its a business decision, plain and simple...

 

In that case he should've said he'd like me to go along too but they wouldn't allow it. He could've said I was his assistant or SOMETHING. He's smart enough to pull strings. If it was strictly for a translator they would've said they could hire one for cheap from there, not fly one from out here. Again, the translator excuse is one someone on LS posted that kind of stuck with me. He never told me he would use her for that, he only told her on the phone he'd get her a free trip and she'd be able to see her family too out of it.

[justagirlforever]

Maybe a SO hasn't made you feel this hurt before.

You have no idea how. I've been hurt to the very depths of my being. And what I've learnt from is, that I need to be honest about my feelings and tell the person I care for (as well as hurts me) that they are doing so. And why I feel that way.

Since then, my outlook on life has completely changed - and so have my resulting relationships. For the better.

[Trialbyfire]

He's the one who wanted me to see a therapist. So I'll tell the therapist. If he wanted to make himself available for me to talk to instead of to a therapist, then he'd get my guts spilled out to him. Since he chose me to instead spend a bundle on a pricey therapist to avoid hearing my problems, then why should he get to hear this one. I am feeling better already, I can't wait to tell him that I 'suddenly have lost all my feelings.' I think now I can go to sleep in peace.

You're playing games with both himself and yourself. Please be direct and honest with him, for both your sakes.

 

I seriously hope that you resolve these communication issues before it's too late. Good luck.

[Fun2BMe]

Well done for taking the step to actually think about speaking with him

But do you actually (deep down) want a relationship with him?

If you do, then be just a little more mature about it - or try to - or even just think about trying to. Instead of washing your hands and saying "that's it" fix it or deal with it - why don't you lay your feelings on the table. Tell him what you've been telling us. Be honest with him.

 

I'm scared I'll come across as needy and jealous if I tell hiim all these things. I've been with men in the past who go out of their way not to make me jealous. And from them I have learned to do the same, not realizing how things I would do in the past would upset my partner, from talking to other guys to all the other stuff. So for him to hurt me so badly, I feel like he must know how hurt I am and for what reason which is why I keep saying he must be acting dumb. And if he is that clueless, I would be shocked.

 

My only fear is that I will regret it down the line but right now I see at as the only solution to make him realize the extent of what he has done has been at a cost of. He's taking me for so much granted once he felt assured I had feelings for him and took him back, this is what he does to me? Maybe he has already forgotten how much he missed me in the 2 years we were separated. He had a second chance and this is what he does? Keep me at home crying like this? What use is pointing out what he has ALREADY done going to do to benefit anything? He can't take back any of the tears, it's too late. I am just scared that I might hurt even MORE after I break up with him so I feel so lousy and miserable the more I think about it.

 

There's just no solution I can think of. If he loved me enough none of this would be happening so it would be pathetic of me to continue staying too. It's just confusing how he does all the other things he didn't before, but then it's like they cancel out with all this travel nonsense. I don't get it.