IpAncA Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Well there are men out there who have been brought up to not show their feelings, emotions, and weaknesses. My whole family was brought up that way including myself so I understand where he's coming from. BUT in order for a relationship to grow and stay well fitted, there has to be communication between the two and that includes being about to talk to each other about stuff and not have it be one sided. It won't work and he should want to talk to you about it also. You shouldn't have to try and make him because he will get defensive which leads to disagreements. He obviously doesn't want to open up to you so unless he does, the relationship isn't going to amount to much. You can't change or make him do anything as I'm sure you know. Was he always like this or did something happen and then now he doesn't want to talk? If so, that could have something to do with it and that's keeping him from talking. If not, then I don't understand how you've been able to stay with him as long as you have. I think you should stop analyzing everything and stop complaining about everything if in fact that you are. Not saying you do but him saying it has to come from somewhere. Also like many others here have said, if your needs are not being met and you can't get him to open up to you, then you should look elsewhere. There are plently of nice guys that will do what you want this guy to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Sand&Water Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Reply: As a matter of fact, in my case, because I do talk and share my feelings with my woman, she finds that a big turn on for her. Check mark. Finally, an 'observable' man. Not only, is it a turn on, but I would like to think of it as a "Bolt of Lightning". Emotional, and psychological tranquilizer [ . . . effective for a specific amount of time]. Princessa You can try the following, but there are no guarantees: (A) Be relaxed around him. Don't express frustration, and anger -consciously and subconsciously -via body language and communication. Be yourself. (B) Do things/events/activities your own way. Involve him, only if he asks. © Take control of ideas, suggestions, and situations. Don't show him, a lousy, fragmented, unbalanced, reckless image of you. Present him, with top-notch reliability, and self control. In my honest opinion, I believe you should leave the man. Pursue other men, because I believe you are doomed either way. I don't mean to be cruel, unfair, and down right unrealistic. But this is the way, I view the field, from my locus. Best of Luck, Sand&Water Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted November 8, 2006 Author Share Posted November 8, 2006 I have to admit, I don't like men who talk about their feelings. Let me explain: what I'm looking for here is more of a rational analysis of those feelings that affect some action that happens, not the crying and mushy stuff..... So please don't tell me to go look for somebody who will talk about his feelings. I do appreciate it when a man shows his feelings from time to time, but it should be limited because that's what makes it special... and he's perfectly able to do that and has done it before now that I think about it... but somehow when you put it in the context of a relationship talk it freaks him out!! Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 I had a bad joke in mind, but given what you've said about the guy, he may need you, perhaps quietly, by his side -- give him some time. Link to post Share on other sites
CynicalP Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 You know some people just dont like to share all their personal thoughts and feelings. Perhaps this personal barrier is the result of society or maybe how they were raised or maybe the person is just hard wired to be that way. I want to go back to your original post where you said this: "All he wants is for me to be happy, relaxed, and having fun with him. Simple as that, he says." What the hell is wrong with that? Life is so full with bull**** details and complications isnt just nice to forget your worries and be with someone who wants to take a simple approach to life. What emotional needs do you want to be met? Here's how I meet my wife's emotional needs, I listen to her go on and on about crap I consider a total waste of time to worry about. She doesnt want me to help her solve the problem she wants me to just listen to her vent. Once she is done venting to me she calls up her friends and vents to them and finally she will call her Mom and vents to her ( Depending the day's personal emotional crisis determines the amount of folks she vents too ). I understand this is theraputic for her and I lend her an ear when she needs it and somehow after all the venting, worrying, and emotional expression the problem ends and the cycle begins again with the next crisis. I preceive the whole process as a never ending emotional treadmill. I on the other hand just cope with the crap life hands to me find an escape in those hobbies that allow to push it away and refresh myself for the next days punishment. I dont really want to dicuss much of the daily nonsense just put it behind me, unless it something I can't just dust under the carpet. Even then I don't like to share my thoughts or feelings with my wife since her plate is usually full enough with her own stuff. I like to keep life as simple as possible and dont like to dwell on feelings and emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 Here's how I meet my wife's emotional needs, I listen to her go on and on about crap I consider a total waste of time to worry about. She doesnt want me to help her solve the problem she wants me to just listen to her vent. Once she is done venting to me she calls up her friends and vents to them and finally she will call her Mom and vents to her ( Depending the day's personal emotional crisis determines the amount of folks she vents too ). I understand this is theraputic for her and I lend her an ear when she needs it and somehow after all the venting, worrying, and emotional expression the problem ends and the cycle begins again with the next crisis. I preceive the whole process as a never ending emotional treadmill. Everyone has their problems and my philosophy is going on and on about them turns people off. Your friends, family and lovers don't want to god damn hear about your problems, they have their own. Women don't understand this krap. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 I want to go back to your original post where you said this: "All he wants is for me to be happy, relaxed, and having fun with him. Simple as that, he says." What the hell is wrong with that? Because the issues she/women need to discuss with their men are relationship issues that prevent women from being happy, relaxed and having fun. The OP wasn't referring to work problems or random crap that she needs to vent about. She's referring to stuff like "gee honey, I'm not happy because every time we go out, you break your neck ogling other women and flirting with the sexy girl bartender and pay no attention to me" or "sweetheart, I'm feeling neglected because for the past month, you've gone out with your buddies every weekend yet we haven't left the house for a single date" or "hey stud, I need more than 10 minutes of foreplay" or "darling, if you don't tell your ex-girlfriend to stop sending you x-rated pics, I'm going to poke your eyes out with a sharp stick"... ...issues along those lines, issues that need to be discussed or they fester until she's ready to walk out. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 ...issues along those lines, issues that need to be discussed or they fester until she's ready to walk out. my policy to women is "if you don't like it then get out, there is the door".... everyone is replaceable Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 my policy to women is "if you don't like it then get out, there is the door".... everyone is replaceable Why, when some things can be easily resolved through discussion, understanding, respect, and a little compassion for and from the one you love? Your formula seems to lead to a lot of short term relationships with no depth or emotion...ah, yes, of course - that's your preference. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 11, 2006 Share Posted November 11, 2006 Your formula seems to lead to a lot of short term relationships with no depth or emotion...ah, yes, of course - that's your preference. yes I do prefer it....but you can thank some of the women in my past that made me like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted November 11, 2006 Share Posted November 11, 2006 yes I do prefer it....but you can thank some of the women in my past that made me like that. LOL While I don't share that extreme view, I do think emotions should be held to a minimum (only at the right times, but not all the time). I guess I never thought like that until the women I was with kept seeing me as more of a friend. I seems the times when I was tainted and pissed of from a bad relationship, more women seemed to be attracted to my emotional unavailability. That to me is evidence that lot's of women prefer a man who is not so in tune to his emotions (lush), at least around her. I can see Alpha's point after experiencing women who seem to frown on being this way, and sometimes I wonder if just being cold is the better way to go(keeps you from risking the crap again). Perhaps somewhere in the middle might be the answer, but then again that's no guarantee either. Regards, Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 11, 2006 Share Posted November 11, 2006 I can see Alpha's point after experiencing women who seem to frown on being this way, and sometimes I wonder if just being cold is the better way to go(keeps you from risking the crap again). Brother, if you would have seen me 20 yrs ago I could have been the "nice guy" poster child. I've learned the hard way over the years. Link to post Share on other sites
CynicalP Posted November 11, 2006 Share Posted November 11, 2006 Because the issues she/women need to discuss with their men are relationship issues that prevent women from being happy, relaxed and having fun. The OP wasn't referring to work problems or random crap that she needs to vent about. She's referring to stuff like "gee honey, I'm not happy because every time we go out, you break your neck ogling other women and flirting with the sexy girl bartender and pay no attention to me" or "sweetheart, I'm feeling neglected because for the past month, you've gone out with your buddies every weekend yet we haven't left the house for a single date" or "hey stud, I need more than 10 minutes of foreplay" or "darling, if you don't tell your ex-girlfriend to stop sending you x-rated pics, I'm going to poke your eyes out with a sharp stick"... ...issues along those lines, issues that need to be discussed or they fester until she's ready to walk out. Well then if that is what she is truely talking about then here would be my advice. Basically Princessa your involved with a guy who doesnt want to invest any more than having a good time in your relationship. If you looking for that guy that wants to put up with all your emotional baggage and places you in the center of his universe (next to his mom) your barking up the wrong tree with this guy. You have two choices, stay with him until the fun times evaporate or cut your losses now and find someone who nods his head and says "yes, dear" on que. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted November 11, 2006 Author Share Posted November 11, 2006 I understand this is theraputic for her and I lend her an ear when she needs it and somehow after all the venting, worrying, and emotional expression the problem ends and the cycle begins again with the next crisis. I preceive the whole process as a never ending emotional treadmill. I on the other hand just cope with the crap life hands to me find an escape in those hobbies that allow to push it away and refresh myself for the next days punishment. Hehe, you've very well explained gender differences here. And I agree with you, I'm the kind of (typical) woman who needs to vent about stuff. And while my guy doesn't mind listening to me when I vent about work or other stuff, it seems that he doesn't understand that I need to ALSO do that venting about some stuff in the relationship... This is where everything goes wrong, he takes offense at anything I say, assumes that I'm not happy at all, and ends up blowing the mini problem out of proportion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted November 11, 2006 Author Share Posted November 11, 2006 Because the issues she/women need to discuss with their men are relationship issues that prevent women from being happy, relaxed and having fun. The OP wasn't referring to work problems or random crap that she needs to vent about. She's referring to stuff like "gee honey, I'm not happy because every time we go out, you break your neck ogling other women and flirting with the sexy girl bartender and pay no attention to me" or "sweetheart, I'm feeling neglected because for the past month, you've gone out with your buddies every weekend yet we haven't left the house for a single date" or "hey stud, I need more than 10 minutes of foreplay" or "darling, if you don't tell your ex-girlfriend to stop sending you x-rated pics, I'm going to poke your eyes out with a sharp stick"... ...issues along those lines, issues that need to be discussed or they fester until she's ready to walk out. Exactly!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted November 11, 2006 Author Share Posted November 11, 2006 Basically Princessa your involved with a guy who doesnt want to invest any more than having a good time in your relationship. No, that's not how it is. He DOES eventually listen to what I have to say about the relationship, but it's just that he approaches it like you would a HUGE problem that you just don't want to deal with. You procrastinate, try to avoid it, resent the person who makes you face it, etc, etc. It's really immature, and really most of the time it's not even THAT MUCH of an effort that's required from him. It seems like he just wants to AVOID dealing with that stuff as long as he can pull it off. Then when I've had enough and start walking, he starts working on making it right. I mean, I'm tired of small things that can be solved by a 30 minute discussion to be blown up into full fledged wars and arguments... A little background on him.... He has really low self-confidence and I noticed that it's really important for him to get approval from the people around him, namely his dad. From what he says his dad says that he's never good enough, no matter what he does. And I doubt that his dad is this way, he's probably just exaggerating because he holds all the negative things that someone says about him in their lifetime, and overlooks the positive, instead of doing it the other way around. So this might be why any word of disapproval from me might freak him out.. I understand, but what, I'm supposed to just keep my mouth shut all the time because he's so fragile?? I'm too honest most of the time, and if the smallest thing bothers me I just can't hold it in for long! If I do it makes me hold my love back, and that kind of taints the relationship in my opnion.... Link to post Share on other sites
CynicalP Posted November 11, 2006 Share Posted November 11, 2006 Hehe, you've very well explained gender differences here. And I agree with you, I'm the kind of (typical) woman who needs to vent about stuff. And while my guy doesn't mind listening to me when I vent about work or other stuff, it seems that he doesn't understand that I need to ALSO do that venting about some stuff in the relationship... This is where everything goes wrong, he takes offense at anything I say, assumes that I'm not happy at all, and ends up blowing the mini problem out of proportion. Does he have an overly critical mother? Maybe you need to say I have this friend who is dating this guy and she feels X, Y and Z and see what opinions he offers up. If he is isnt wise to those sort of tricks of indirection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted November 11, 2006 Author Share Posted November 11, 2006 Does he have an overly critical mother? Maybe you need to say I have this friend who is dating this guy and she feels X, Y and Z and see what opinions he offers up. If he is isnt wise to those sort of tricks of indirection. His mom passed away recently (a year and a half ago) I'm dealing with a guy with deep-rooted issues here.... And I can't really see myself pretending to talk about other people either.. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted November 11, 2006 Share Posted November 11, 2006 It's not that men shouldn't talk about feelings but men just do not feel the need to overanalyze every single minute detail with a fine toothed comb. Sometimes women pick things to death and they wonder why the relationship is going south. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 11, 2006 Share Posted November 11, 2006 It's not that men shouldn't talk about feelings but men just do not feel the need to overanalyze every single minute detail with a fine toothed comb. Sometimes women pick things to death and they wonder why the relationship is going south. exactly!!! Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 11, 2006 Share Posted November 11, 2006 exactly!!! You're pissed. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 11, 2006 Share Posted November 11, 2006 You're pissed. dude could u be a litle less cryptic? at lteatst I try to get my point across Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted November 11, 2006 Share Posted November 11, 2006 I really think that many women could vastly improve their marriages and relationships if they started learning to live in the moment and enjoy themselves. The best memories all of us have in life are the spontaneous fan moments that came naturally and too often women don't let that happen. They would rather harp on every minute detail until it is impossible for their man or themselves to enjoy things. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 11, 2006 Share Posted November 11, 2006 I really think that many women could vastly improve their marriages and relationships if they started learning to live in the moment and enjoy themselves. women are physically and mentaly incapble of doing that...thats what make 'em wmen every damn thing has to be perfect fofrhem to be happy at 1 pint in time....and that never hapenas Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 11, 2006 Share Posted November 11, 2006 I really think that many women could vastly improve their marriages and relationships if they started learning to live in the moment and enjoy themselves. Wonderful advice for men too. She was the one living in the moment, and I was the one picking over detail. And now I'm living with the consequences. My life might as well be over. A female trait only?! No way, man. Link to post Share on other sites
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