Author princessa Posted November 8, 2006 Author Share Posted November 8, 2006 its worked great....I've dated a number of women. Women think of me as masculine and I usually end up dumping them 80% of the time. I tell them up front I will be their lover and not their friend and if they want emotional support to get it elsewhere. They eat it up like chocolate cake! Well that explains everything. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Part of being a man is being stoic most of the time. Says who? Soceity? Was it the way you were taught maybe? I would say that maybe those 2 things play a big role in that. Soceity thinks men should act this way or that way. Don't let your guard down around women, play the tough man cuz its just the way it supossed to be? NOT. And some men who don't show their feelings, sometimes its not that they don't want too, sometimes its that maybe they were not shown how. Maybe they didn't have a dad that was a role model as far as seeing their dad open up to their mother, in a loving, emotional communicative way? They saw their dads play the role as in, "me cave man, me no want to talk about feelings." Then their men who do know how to communicate with their spouses/SO's but just choose not too, those are the ones that to me would have to dig a little deeper to find out WHY it is they don't want too. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 I try but it's not easy. Like I said in a previous post, he does open up sometimes, when the mood is right, so I guess there's a tiny little glimpse of hope.. But my problem is that he's WIRED to think that men shouldn't talk about feelings, and I think he's totally wrong on that one.. and things would be so much easier if he could understand this.. and since he doesn't it kind of forces me to try in many ways to get him to open up indirectly.. which is damn inefficient!!! Some guys believe that BS about it showing weakness if he opens up. Its unfortunate and I am not sure what you can do to get that thought pattern out of his head. You shouldn't have to force anything. If your guy opening up to you is that important, then maybe you need to consider this relationship. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to get him to talk to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 And some men who don't show their feelings, sometimes its not that they don't want too, sometimes its that maybe they were not shown how. Maybe they didn't have a dad that was a role model as far as seeing their dad open up to their mother, in a loving, emotional communicative way? They saw their dads play the role as in, "me cave man, me no want to talk about feelings." This is a good point as well.... Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 You shouldn't have to go out of your way to get him to talk to you. I agree with this. Its one thing to tell your guy or even show him what you want/need but its quite another, when you feel you have wasted a good part of your relationship banging your head against trying to understand why it is he wont open up. Not that relationships aren't about work because they are, but it shouldn't be one sided either. If he knows how you feel on the matter and still doesn't get the hint, then perhaps you need to rethink why that is. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 If your guy opening up to you is that important, then maybe you need to consider this relationship. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to get him to talk to you. yeah thats what i'm saying RIDDLER....there are plenty of other nice guys out there who are sensitive and talk about their emotions and "feelings"....i'm sure most of them would love to be with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted November 8, 2006 Author Share Posted November 8, 2006 If you are REALLY bothered about him not talking about how he feels then just gently TEACH him how to open up. You sound like an intelligent woman so I am sure you can find a way to break the barriers bit by bit. Otherwise, just take a bit more note of the things that he does and maybe you'll realise that he doesn't need to say a word about how he feels for you to know. Good Luck. Sorry this is so long !! You're right, he WAS completely devastated at the times we would break up.. and now that I think about it those were situations where he had no choice but to open up.. But see, it's not even as much about feelings as it is about generally communicating back and forth about the dynamics of the relationship.. you know, minor improvements here and there that you'd like to work on... or in any case, I WISH i could discuss these with him.. in his head, all he needs is me and a drink in his hand and life is perfect... Link to post Share on other sites
PussInHeels Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 My husband doesn't talk about his problems much or stuff that bothers him, and it drives me nuts, but it's part of his culture. His whole family is like this. He told me once his grandmother broke her arm working outside, and she just sat on the couch, saying absolutely nothing to anyone. I complain all the time, so it's my hope that I'll rub off on him a little. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 You're right, he WAS completely devastated at the times we would break up.. and now that I think about it those were situations where he had no choice but to open up.. But see, it's not even as much about feelings as it is about generally communicating back and forth about the dynamics of the relationship.. you know, minor improvements here and there that you'd like to work on... or in any case, I WISH i could discuss these with him.. in his head, all he needs is me and a drink in his hand and life is perfect... From the sounds of what you are saying, the more that he chooses to not open up to you, more distance will come between you two. Maybe you should let him know that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted November 8, 2006 Author Share Posted November 8, 2006 You shouldn't have to go out of your way to get him to talk to you. I agree with this. Its one thing to tell your guy or even show him what you want/need but its quite another, when you feel you have wasted a good part of your relationship banging your head against trying to understand why it is he wont open up. Not that relationships aren't about work because they are, but it shouldn't be one sided either. If he knows how you feel on the matter and still doesn't get the hint, then perhaps you need to rethink why that is. Well... he says that at the beginning of the relationship I used to "complain" a lot, and that this set the dynamics for the following year... In the sense that at this point every time I try to talk to him about the relationship he feels threatened and thinks that I'm not happy and i'm about to start a fight... I mean he's holding a bunch of grudges against me which is totally immature. I mean, I always analyze. EVERYTHING! That's how I am, and I like analyzing our relatinoship. I just wanna be able to do it with him as opposed to my girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 I'm not sure I'm ready to pull an ultimatum... Plus, I already know what he's gonna reply: "Im an easy-going guy and I don't talk about this serious stuff so you should accept me as I am". It's like mere talking about relationship dynamics stresses him out. WTF!?!?!? Oh boy, that sounds familiar!!! My SO is the same way - he says he's so laid back about everything that he doesn't need to talk about relationship things. Lovely - that means in the entire time we've been together, he's never brought up stuff that might be bothersome to him about me....I doubt it's because I'm so perfect I am not at all bothersome!!! Where do all his feelings go?? I guess they get blown out while he's playing softball and football and biking? He withdraws into his little world until he's successfully internalized it and made it go away? Who knows? It means that I'm the one who always has to bring up relationship stuff because he doesn't. Even if he notices I'm upset about something, he'll leave it to me to say something instead of asking or mentioning it himself. It means I'm the one who always appears unsatisfied or that he isn't meeting my expectations or whatever. But if I don't bring anything up, it all stays unresolved and I end up unhappy so someone has to bring things up! So, I've learned how to bring things up so he doesn't get freaked out. I try to have these conversations in person where I can be holding his hand, or we're cuddling on the couch, so he feels more connected to me and less threatened by the conversation. I've learned not to stare at him, or look at him, when bring up tricky subjects - we're usually sitting next to each other, rather than facing each other. Sometimes it works better if he's busy doing something else so he can focus his eyes elsewhere even though he's listening - like if we're in the kitchen doing stuff, or he's clearing out the garage. I've learned not to force a decision or answer or get him to admit he's been an ass about something, and often tell him to "give it some thought". I try to bring it up matter of factly, rather than - cue dramatic music - making it a soap opera moment. Humor is a good way to go if you can manage it. I make sure to thank him for talking about something with me, let him know that I understand it's hard for him and that I appreciate his effort. I also treat his "stress" with humor so the mere subject is less tense - "Sweetheart, I know you'd rather I poke you in the eye with a sharp stick than talk about relationship stuff, so would you rather I find a sharp stick, or would you like to hear what's on my mind?" He's a good sport, so I can make fun of him about it a little, which shows him I understand him and accept him even though I also require him to accept me and that I am the kind of person who must talk about things. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 one main problems with americans is they are way too emotional and not objective enough, both men and women. they are easily excited and moody. they show their feelings too much. all of this is bad when its overdone. even thought I grew up here I come from a culture where strong displays of emotion (good or bad) is totally frowned upon. what is most important is intelligence and objectivity and being practical. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Well... he says that at the beginning of the relationship I used to "complain" a lot, and that this set the dynamics for the following year... In the sense that at this point every time I try to talk to him about the relationship he feels threatened and thinks that I'm not happy and i'm about to start a fight... I mean he's holding a bunch of grudges against me which is totally immature. I mean, I always analyze. EVERYTHING! That's how I am, and I like analyzing our relatinoship. I just wanna be able to do it with him as opposed to my girlfriend. That is immature. Maybe you were complaining but maybe you were not. Someone who knows how to communicate will not feel threatened by so- called complaints. It is tough to get an immature person to open up and communicate effectively. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted November 8, 2006 Author Share Posted November 8, 2006 From the sounds of what you are saying, the more that he chooses to not open up to you, more distance will come between you two. Maybe you should let him know that. In his head that's gonna sound like a threat... Threats are no-no's ....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted November 8, 2006 Author Share Posted November 8, 2006 It is tough to get an immature person to open up and communicate effectively. LOL!! Hence my post!! Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 In his head that's gonna sound like a threat... Threats are no-no's ....... I really think that you need to weigh out your options. You can't talk to this guy because he will say that everything is a threat or a complaint. You can do better then dating a little boy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted November 8, 2006 Author Share Posted November 8, 2006 Lovely - that means in the entire time we've been together, he's never brought up stuff that might be bothersome to him about me....I doubt it's because I'm so perfect I am not at all bothersome!!! OMG I KNOW!! He's always like.. "why do you always complain? You never see ME complain about anything. I just love you as you are and so should you. It's SIMPLE!!" Simple? yeah, right. But thanks, the rest of your post is actually good advice.. I just need to get him out of the defensive zone and then learn to do what you do.. Wow that actually sounds like a plan! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 .. I just need to get him out of the defensive zone and then learn to do what you do.. Wow that actually sounds like a plan! actually what you want to do is CHANGE HIM....bad idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted November 8, 2006 Author Share Posted November 8, 2006 actually what you want to do is CHANGE HIM....bad idea. WRONG, I'm changing my approach. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted November 8, 2006 Author Share Posted November 8, 2006 I really think that you need to weigh out your options. You can't talk to this guy because he will say that everything is a threat or a complaint. You can do better then dating a little boy. I'm not ready to do that yet. When I will have tried everything i can try without any result for a certain period of time with consistent effort... then yeah i will be able to justify leaving him.. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 actually what you want to do is CHANGE HIM....bad idea. Whether it be her or himself to do it, he needs to get out of the defensive zone. Its not healthy and its immature. Being there will not get him or anyone else anywhere. Staying in the defensive zone makes you look like a whining baby and you will lose some friends and some meaningful romantic relationships because of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 I'm not ready to do that yet. When I will have tried everything i can try without any result for a certain period of time with consistent effort... then yeah i will be able to justify leaving him.. Sounds like a fine plan. Good luck with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted November 8, 2006 Author Share Posted November 8, 2006 Sounds like a fine plan. Good luck with that. Was that sarcasm I mean.. there are so many other wome dating men like that..... And apparently this behaviour is very typical of men... so uh... dont I have a shot at making it work?! Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Was that sarcasm I mean.. there are so many other wome dating men like that..... And apparently this behaviour is very typical of men... so uh... dont I have a shot at making it work?! No sarcasm here, but the odds are definitely high. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Not ALL women label men as weak just because they are able to open up and comminucate their feelings in an emotional way to their spouse/SO. As a matter of fact, in my case, because I do talk and share my feelings with my woman, she finds that a big turn on for her. Which is also good for me too. Some men probably have no clue what they might be actually missing out on if they would open up and share more. Yeah, I resent the fact that people think only wussy men share their feelings. My man is very much A MAN. It's not like he sits around and says "Hey, would you like to discuss the gas I passed earlier?" and crap like that. It's a HUGE turn on and I will never get tired of it. It's not like he's sitting around whimpering and sniveling about it. That would be very unattractive yes. Link to post Share on other sites
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