Some Q's for the women on here about confidence.

[SmoochieFace]

But at least I'm trying to overcome my problem by trying to change myself, and part of this is coming on here for advice.

 

Get a job, earn some money, move into your own place and then come back here and tell us you're 'trying'. Seriously.

[Ross_K]

I am trying, I'm coming on here asking for advice, I'm listening to hypnosis CD's, I'm reading websites on how to build confidence, I'm on medication and I'm on a waiting list to see a psychologist.

 

There's no way I can just suddenly get a job, and even if I did, as soon as something bad happens I'm just going to quit and go back in my house, then I'll have to go through the whole process to go on sickness benefit again, and this time I probably wont win the case because they could see it as things can't be that bad for me since I came off it and got a job.

 

I want to at least wait until I'm seeing a psychologist first, then at least I've got some industrial strength support there to help me get through things and to keep going.

[SmoochieFace]

I am trying, I'm coming on here asking for advice, I'm listening to hypnosis CD's, I'm reading websites on how to build confidence, I'm on medication and I'm on a waiting list to see a psychologist.

 

There's no way I can just suddenly get a job, and even if I did, as soon as something bad happens I'm just going to quit and go back in my house, then I'll have to go through the whole process to go on sickness benefit again, and this time I probably wont win the case because they could see it as me being well enough to come off it and get a job.

 

But can't you see that your attitude, as reflected in your posts, is self-defeating? When you say things such as "oh, it'll never happen", etc. it makes your "I'm trying" statements to be less than credible.

 

You have to change your basic attitude AND THEN work with the tools you have. All the tools in the world won't help you unless you are willing to be positive first. Your posts today show that you need to work on being positive first.

[lindya]

Ross you disapoint me. stop being a baby already, comon your going to let teenagers scare you at 30. Teenagers litteraly look like babies to me.... your a grown man if street kids atack you just call the police....next time kids try to pick on you which is really weird because they generaly know better then to pick on a grown man

 

Over here in the UK, the vast majority of very violent beatings are delivered by groups of teenage boys. Whether a guy's 20, 30 or 40, if he's surrounded by a group of 14 year olds who are armed with baseball bats, he's not going to stand a chance. Neither would you in that situation, so stop trying to boost yourself up at another guy's expense. It just makes you sound like a dick.

[burning 4 revenge]

Over here in the UK, the vast majority of very violent beatings are delivered by groups of teenage boys. Whether a guy's 20, 30 or 40, if he's surrounded by a group of 14 year olds who are armed with baseball bats, he's not going to stand a chance. Neither would you in that situation, so stop trying to boost yourself up at another guy's expense. It just makes you sound like a dick.

 

Why are working class English people so savage?

[bluechocolate]

Why are working class English people so savage?

Must be because they don't have guns.

[Green]

Must be because they don't have guns.

 

yeah hahaha here in the US people comit crimes with guns instead of bats, cops have guns to hehe. Look he's being a puss and he needs to hear it this isnt a US British thing he said 14 year old girls who dont get out of his way when he tries to get by is a traumitizing experience, he said the kids dont pick on him when his mother is around. If his mother is a deterent I doubt these are the kids who are going to beet him to death with a bat. Hes got to start leaving his house for a good few hours a day and doing things if he does than I'll believe hes trying this guy has become a hermit and wonders why know girls like him, theyve never seen him for one...

[Walk]

I can't help how I am and how others are towards me.

 

I know the other posters are probably more qualified to answer this than I am, but here's my two cents.

 

Confidence can't be built unless you push your limits of comfort. Hiding behind a shield of "I can'ts", is a self-fulfilling prophecy. But suceeding at something you weren't sure you could accomplish, raises the level of confidence that you are more than you felt you were. That you do have the power and control in your life to do those things you want.

 

Having said that... Your non-verbal language toward those kids screamed no confidence. I'm about the size of a 12 year old kid. Actually, my 7 year old niece is nearly as tall as me now... *sigh*

 

Anyway.. I don't get picked on, threatened, or pushed off the streets when a crowd is walking toward me. Its all about projecting a larger image. And since I barely reach most peoples bellies, it's rather hard for me to seem "bigger than I am". But I've had a lot of people tell me they didn't realize how short I was until they stood right next to me and compared.

 

I grew up waaaaayyyyyy out in the middle of a huge swamp. Closest neighbor was 6 miles away. (bare with me here) Anyway... I'm walking in the woods one day and I suddenly hear growlling behind me. Scared the piss outta me. We had packs of wild dogs roaming the area. Few days before they'd attacked my mom (she got inside tho), and then they killed my cat. So I hear this growling, have no idea where the dog is, or if there are more.. I'd just watched this stupid show on how apes try to appear larger than they are by thumping sticks on the ground to create an impression of strength and heighth. You get the picture.... dog slinked off, I made my way quickly home.

 

But that was a rather enlightening experience for me. It's not so much about how big/tall/strong you are, as the image you project to others. I used to be really insecure but I balanced this with being in physically decent shape. That way I knew if I ran into problems that worst case scenario I stood a fighting chance of holding my own. I lived in Texas for about a month... Worst neighborhood I had ever lived in.. they found a murdered guy at the gas station across the street, drug dealers on every corner, kids broke into the apartment while I was sleeping, kids broke the windows on my car. Sucked. Anyway... I'd go walking every night. (Pretty stupid in hindsight) But I never had a problem. Diminutive white girl in all black populated apartments in the city with a huge crime problem...

 

All I'm saying is... Project an aura of confidence. Body language. Read up on it. Head up, shoulders squared, long unhurried strides, arms swinging casually. Look straight ahead, if a person makes eye contact with you then hold it for about 5-10 seconds then shift your gaze to where you're going.. DON'T drop your gaze, don't duck your head, don't look at teh ground. Look forward. As though you see straight through them.

 

Practice makes perfect.

 

I highly doubt you'll take this advice anyway. 30 years old and you don't know this.. seems highly unlikely. I'm 32. I have a strong fear of people and public places. I'm a hermit. I'd rather not talk to people. I panic, my heart physically starts skipping in my chest, I can't breath, I feel like someone is squeezing my chest until my eyes bug out.... But I keep putting myself out there. Testing myself. Checking my limits and seeing if I can push past them. Now I do public speaking, and no one has a clue that I'm about to faint when I get up there.

 

You're too scared to leave the womb. Its one of the things I hate the most about me, so I fight it. But I don't respect people who succumb to it. Too many excuses not to live.

 

p.s. physically (from your avatar) I think you're attractive.

[dgiirl]

I am trying, I'm coming on here asking for advice, I'm listening to hypnosis CD's, I'm reading websites on how to build confidence, I'm on medication and I'm on a waiting list to see a psychologist.

 

There's no way I can just suddenly get a job, and even if I did, as soon as something bad happens I'm just going to quit and go back in my house, then I'll have to go through the whole process to go on sickness benefit again, and this time I probably wont win the case because they could see it as things can't be that bad for me since I came off it and got a job.

 

I want to at least wait until I'm seeing a psychologist first, then at least I've got some industrial strength support there to help me get through things and to keep going.

 

Damn, Ross, You've got everything all planned out so you dont make a mistake. What's so wrong with making a mistake? I think this sickness benefit is simply enabling you. So is your mother. And you need to get rid of both of them. Why is it taking you so long to see a pscyhologist? Go out and pay for the service! No money? Then go out and get a small job sweeping floors or something. You'll feel a WHOLE lot better about yourself because you'll actually be earning your own keep. When everything is given to you, you simply dont appreciate it. And i fear if you're not paying for a pscyhologist, you wont appreciate what they can offer you.

 

I'm sorry, but you are not trying. The only trying you are doing is trying to come up with valid excuses of why you cant do something. I cannot believe your mother is allowing you to do this at the age of 30. My mom would have kicked my ass out of the house by now. In fact, she STILL kicks my ass out of the house if I start slacking, and it's MY damn house!

 

If you dont start to seriously tackle this problem you are going to keep sinking further and further. And the further down you go, the more alienated you're going to become and the more things you fear will actually start to become reality. People can only support you so much, but they get sick and tired of offering advice only to have you rebut everything with an excuse of why you cannot do it. Do you really want to fix the problem? Or do you just want sympathy?

[Ross_K]

I find this strange too. Usually, teenagers tend to just pick on each other, not grown men.

 

Something doesn't seem 'right' here...

 

I look very young for my age (maybe about 20) sure 20 is still a grown man, but only just, plus maybe as far as my face is concerned I look weak and timid.

 

Get a job, earn some money, move into your own place and then come back here and tell us you're 'trying'. Seriously.

 

To be honest from a lot of your posts towards me it seems like you're a bit of a bully yourself, smoochieface.

[Ross_K]

But can't you see that your attitude, as reflected in your posts, is self-defeating? When you say things such as "oh, it'll never happen", etc. it makes your "I'm trying" statements to be less than credible.

 

You have to change your basic attitude AND THEN work with the tools you have. All the tools in the world won't help you unless you are willing to be positive first. Your posts today show that you need to work on being positive first.

 

That is what I'm trying to work on, rabbit man. I'm also being relaistic as well.

 

Over here in the UK, the vast majority of very violent beatings are delivered by groups of teenage boys. Whether a guy's 20, 30 or 40, if he's surrounded by a group of 14 year olds who are armed with baseball bats, he's not going to stand a chance. Neither would you in that situation, so stop trying to boost yourself up at another guy's expense. It just makes you sound like a dick.

 

Thanks lindya.

[Ross_K]

yeah hahaha here in the US people comit crimes with guns instead of bats, cops have guns to hehe. Look he's being a puss and he needs to hear it this isnt a US British thing he said 14 year old girls who dont get out of his way when he tries to get by is a traumitizing experience, he said the kids dont pick on him when his mother is around. If his mother is a deterent I doubt these are the kids who are going to beet him to death with a bat. Hes got to start leaving his house for a good few hours a day and doing things if he does than I'll believe hes trying this guy has become a hermit and wonders why know girls like him, theyve never seen him for one...

 

My mum isn't intimidating, it's just that it's less likely someone will try and cause trouble with you when you're with someone else, especially if it's an older woman, or say a little kid who you're walking with. To those guys doing something will feel less appropriate.

 

And by the way, I used to go out ALL the time, and had plenty of friends, yet women still never shown any interest.

 

I highly doubt you'll take this advice anyway. 30 years old and you don't know this.. seems highly unlikely.

 

Why? I mean no one has told me this information before. I'm not going to be born with the information already in my head am I?

 

You're too scared to leave the womb. Its one of the things I hate the most about me, so I fight it. But I don't respect people who succumb to it. Too many excuses not to live.

 

Thanks for letting me know you don't respect me. Did you ever think that maybe some people can't help being that way?

 

p.s. physically (from your avatar) I think you're attractive.

 

Thanks.

[Ross_K]

Damn, Ross, You've got everything all planned out so you dont make a mistake. What's so wrong with making a mistake? I think this sickness benefit is simply enabling you. So is your mother. And you need to get rid of both of them. Why is it taking you so long to see a pscyhologist? Go out and pay for the service! No money? Then go out and get a small job sweeping floors or something. You'll feel a WHOLE lot better about yourself because you'll actually be earning your own keep. When everything is given to you, you simply dont appreciate it. And i fear if you're not paying for a pscyhologist, you wont appreciate what they can offer you.

 

I'm sorry, but you are not trying. The only trying you are doing is trying to come up with valid excuses of why you cant do something. I cannot believe your mother is allowing you to do this at the age of 30. My mom would have kicked my ass out of the house by now. In fact, she STILL kicks my ass out of the house if I start slacking, and it's MY damn house!

 

If you dont start to seriously tackle this problem you are going to keep sinking further and further. And the further down you go, the more alienated you're going to become and the more things you fear will actually start to become reality. People can only support you so much, but they get sick and tired of offering advice only to have you rebut everything with an excuse of why you cannot do it. Do you really want to fix the problem? Or do you just want sympathy?

 

Did you realise I suffer from social anxiety, and maybe also depression?

 

Seems like you forgot about that.

 

Your post screams of ignorance, unwillingness to understand and coldness.

 

Would you kick someone out of the house because they don't have any legs either?

[littlekitty]

Ross, I remember one of your first posts here being about whether you could afford to move out of home on a minimum wage. Which as we know, here in the UK would be pretty impossible, unless you get a council house.

 

But that would indicate to me a desire to at some point go it alone?

 

Are you struggling to get psych help on the NHS? Have you officially been diagnosed? Is your local Dr involved? Have you approached any charities/help and support groups?

 

If you are looking for support to get you started, get out there and try to make it happen. The point is, however you are trying to deal with this, really go for it!! Push to get the help you need.

 

List some other steps you think you could take/do to help you over come your fears and gain confidence?

 

Also, I would like to say what Lindya said about UK youths is right. I'd be more worried about walking past a group of 6 14yr old boys, than I would 2 grown men these days....

[SmoochieFace]

Do you see what you're doing here, Ross?

 

You're calling people 'bullies', you're saying that people are 'disrespecting' you, you're dismissing advice that is being given to you. Advice that people here have taken the time to give you. Advice that people here do not HAVE to give out but choose to because, after all, that is the primary purpose of LS. What do we get in return? You lash out with sarcasm and smartassisms that, frankly, turn people off.

 

Do you treat people like this in real life? If so, then perhaps that is why you are having so much difficulty.

 

I dunno what else to tell you... I and others have given you advice, given you tips, given you hints, etc. and you are refusing to 'get it'. What more do you want from us, man?

 

Here's thought: you get back from the world what you give the world. Think about that please.

[Ross_K]

Ross, I remember one of your first posts here being about whether you could afford to move out of home on a minimum wage. Which as we know, here in the UK would be pretty impossible, unless you get a council house.

 

But that would indicate to me a desire to at some point go it alone?

 

Are you struggling to get psych help on the NHS? Have you officially been diagnosed? Is your local Dr involved? Have you approached any charities/help and support groups?

 

If you are looking for support to get you started, get out there and try to make it happen. The point is, however you are trying to deal with this, really go for it!! Push to get the help you need.

 

List some other steps you think you could take/do to help you over come your fears and gain confidence?

 

Also, I would like to say what Lindya said about UK youths is right. I'd be more worried about walking past a group of 6 14yr old boys, than I would 2 grown men these days....

 

Really? I thought there'd still be plenty of places that I'd be able to afford to rent on minmum wage.

 

Yes, I do really want to move out, have a place of my own (as long as it's not crappy and depressing like a bedsit), and live in a nicer area where I don't have the problems that I do in this one.

 

I'm not sure if I've been officially diagnosed, my doctor is involved, I'm on medication and I'm on a waiting list to see a psychologist.

[littlekitty]

Really? I thought there'd still be plenty of places that I'd be able to afford to rent on minmum wage.

 

Yes, I do really want to move out, have a place of my own (as long as it's not crappy and depressing like a bedsit), and live in a nicer area where I don't have the problems that I do in this one.

 

I'm not sure if I've been officially diagnosed, my doctor is involved, I'm on medication and I'm on a waiting list to see a psychologist.

 

Umm I going to be honest, you'll find it hard to get much better than a small studio flat or bedsit on minimum wage. Although a house-share would be possible and that would allow you to move to a 'nicer' area.

 

Ok, so NHS waiting lists for psych's are pretty long to my knowledge.

 

So, what else are you doing in the mean time to combat the issue and gain confidence? Or are just waiting on your Dr and psych? Have you checked out other sources of help? You have internet skills, and google!

[burning 4 revenge]

Ross, have you considered moving to America? I think you might like it better over here.

[Ross_K]

That's really depressing about the renting situation. So, I've either got to live with my mum for the rest of my life or live in some horrible little crappy bedsit in a bad area? :( :(

 

Yes, I've been doing research on the net for help, I also listen to hypnosis CD's as well.

[Ross_K]

Ross, have you considered moving to America? I think you might like it better over here.

 

I've always really wanted to move over to America for that very reason, I'd do anything to live over there, it seems to be a lot more my kind of place, the people also seem to be a lot more my kind of people as well.

 

But I don't really know how. I tried doing some research on it a long time ago, it's all really complicated and confusing, but from what I could just about understand, it seems very very hard to move over there, like you've gotta be in a really good profession, like a doctor or whatever.

[littlekitty]

That's really depressing about the renting situation. So, I've either got to live with my mum for the rest of my life or live in some horrible little crappy bedsit in a bad area? :( :(

 

Yes, I've been doing research on the net for help, I also listen to hypnosis CD's as well.

 

Ross, we all have to start somewhere. Do you think we all move immediately into a beautiful house in a nice area? No way!!! My first flat was a private rent on a council estate. For the first few months I was scared sh*tless walking through the alley to the supermarket, past the gangs of teenagers. I was scared of the 'boys and their dogs' working on their cars outside. It wasn't fab! But I soon got used to it, and turned out the 'boys' weren't so bad after all, and neither was the area. It was just my first impression.

 

You start low and work your way up. You won't be in a bedsit for the rest of your life, or on minimum wage. If you have a brain you'll soon manage to work your way up and into better paying jobs.

 

But we all have to start some where... even some where that scares us.

[Ross_K]

Well, I just had a quick scan over that old topic where I was asking about bills and rent and stuff. And I'm sure on minimum wage I should be able to afford somewhere that about £300 a month, sure, money will be tight, but I reckon there's got to be plenty of fairly nice places that you can rent for £300.

[littlekitty]

Well, I just had a quick scan over that old topic where I was asking about bills and rent and stuff. And I'm sure on minimum wage I should be able to afford somewhere that about £300 a month, sure, money will be tight, but I reckon there's got to be plenty of fairly nice places that you can rent for £300.

 

Errrr where in the UK are you again Ross? I'm down South (SE) so I'm going on prices in the South.

 

My first flat 8 years ago was I think 525 a month rent only.

[SmoochieFace]

To be honest from a lot of your posts towards me it seems like you're a bit of a bully yourself, smoochieface.

 

...

 

Well, Ross, I am what is known as a 'straight shooter'. I don't mince words and I am direct and to the point. I am confident in what I say and how I say it and most importantly I believe in what I say. You're not gonna get any 'pussyfooting around' from me.

 

Y'know, Ross, if you'd quit fighting those who are trying to help you here you may learn something.

[burning 4 revenge]

I'll look around a bit and see what I can find out. I don't think it's as hard as all that, but you would deffinately need to save up a little bit to cover some moving expenses and to have some start up money for food and rent.

 

I don't know your educational level, but there are many student exchange programs between the UK and the United States at the university level. Once over here as a student you could try and start the process of integrating yourself into the country. It may take a while to become a citizen, but there are many resident aliens living and working here.

 

Even if you don't come over as a student, there are ways of coming over here I'm sure. I think studying here would be the easiest though.

 

I do think you'd like it better here. I know I'll get flamed for this, but the UK has long had a reputation of having a bully culture among many of the working classes (oh boy, i'm sure i'm offending some people). That whole hooligan thing isn't a part of life here. We have our ghettos with gang problems but most of the country isn't like that at all. It's more relaxed I think, then it is over there. I think you'd feel more comfortable in some small American city or college town.