OmG what have I done? psycho me

[Mollyanna]

I gave him everything back. But he still has a few things of mine. of course... so sad today. was a nervous wreck last night. I do stupid things when I am anxious. I cut my hair. badly. it looks awful now today I will have to go get it fixed, if it can even be repaired without chopping it short.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Morning.

 

I gave him everything back. But he still has a few things of mine. of course... so sad today.

 

Argh. Well, I'm always wary of making decisions like, I never want to see you again I wish you have a nice life type of thing, when I am high, because I spent a good time with him (you feel on top of the world and like you can do anything) or when I'm mad.

 

Because then! How do you fix that back? Since guy tend to take you at your word and then "never call you again" of course, and then you have to figure out a way to go back and not be embarrassed? Sigh...

 

But I've done the deleting pictures, throwing away his presents (and going to dig in the dumpster the next day) and deleting emails, email addresses, phone n, whatever. But I've found those things temporary.

 

was a nervous wreck last night. I do stupid things when I am anxious. I cut my hair. badly. it looks awful now today I will have to go get it fixed, if it can even be repaired without chopping it short.

 

Omg, did you just trim it? I hope you didn't cut it too much. Well, maybe they'll fix it nice and make you look even cuter. Since you lost weight and all, kind of a new look.

 

Well, don't be too sad. With the kiss he gave you in the car it doesn't sound like he wants to end it yet. Usually when guys don't want anything to do they stay 4 feet away. So that wasn't bad.

 

I think you can have what you had before, probably. But that's about it. One day you think he is coming around and the next he has the fwb coming over and doing a party.

 

And the worst part is that if you show him you are sad, the first thing he does is to tell you to stop having sex.

 

Well, if you can continue to see him and still make those dates like you did the other day, maybe that'll work. Kind of keep your options open. But, I know that when I'm into a guy, Prince Charming can show up and I wouldn't give a darn.

 

And I have the date with the grandpa today . But I decided I'd go talk to him and just have a nice conversation, since he seems to have things to talk about (older guys usually do) and then tell him he is too old or something like that. Sigh. Good thing is in the park too and not a dinner.

 

Good luck Mollyanna, hope you are feeling better.

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

The grandpa called......

 

And he is really really nice to talk to!!!

 

Darn! That's the thing with the older guys... grrrr... just like the fwb, he is 48 and he turned out to be interesting.

 

Well, grandpa guy already gets me, I told him I ditched the therapist because I don't work that way, and he said, I can see that about you.

 

And he made a few comments like he already picked up the way I am. Plus, he likes lonely places in nature, and he seems pretty clever to talk to as well. (But he is horrible!)

 

Damn!

 

So he called to confirm the date tonight, and was already talking about taking me on hikes here and there... nooooo... how am I going to get rid of that guy now?

 

See? That's how I get stuck.

 

Sigh. Well, see what I do with him tonight,

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

Ariadne: why do we make dates with people we don't want to go out with? Are we that lonely?

 

I went to the beauty salon, got about a foot of hair cut off and I hate it, I look awful, so ugly. Then D calls and cancels for tonight. Says he is going to work late and he is in a bad mood. Says "OK?" And I just sit there. I start crying (to myself) and he says "Look, I gotta go, alright? I'll call you tonight." and I said "alright" in a pitiful voice that does nothing to him.

 

I guess he really doesn't want to talk.

[Touche]

Well,

 

The grandpa called......

 

And he is really really nice to talk to!!!

 

Darn! That's the thing with the older guys... grrrr... just like the fwb, he is 48 and he turned out to be interesting.

 

Well, grandpa guy already gets me, I told him I ditched the therapist because I don't work that way, and he said, I can see that about you.

 

And he made a few comments like he already picked up the way I am. Plus, he likes lonely places in nature, and he seems pretty clever to talk to as well. (But he is horrible!)

 

Damn!

 

So he called to confirm the date tonight, and was already talking about taking me on hikes here and there... nooooo... how am I going to get rid of that guy now?

 

See? That's how I get stuck.

 

Sigh. Well, see what I do with him tonight,

 

Ariadne

 

Lonely places in nature? Hiking? See what I do with him tonight?

 

NO, NO, NO!!!! Tae control. YOU decide what you do and where you go. Please, please don't go off anywhere secluded with him, Aria. Ok? He can't "get" you yet, he doesn't even KNOW you. He could be a total con man.

 

Promise us you won't go anywhere with him alone, ok? I'm really worried for you now.

[burning 4 revenge]

how am I going to get rid of that guy now?

 

Telling him about bleeding on guys' cars might be a good place to start

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Ariadne: why do we make dates with people we don't want to go out with? Are we that lonely?

 

Well, the thing is that I don't like to judge people on appearences, but as always, I end up going to the extremes.

 

See, maybe grandpa is a great person, we get along great, he is my soulmate, and I wouldn't want to date him because he is "old and ugly"

 

So that is something that doesn't make sense to me, I feel like I should be above that. That's why.

 

Besides, I don't mind to talk to people. Sigh....

 

I went to the beauty salon, got about a foot of hair cut off and I hate it, I look awful, so ugly.

 

A foot?!!?! Omg. Welllll.... maybe you'll get used to it. Did they do a good cut at least? Gosh, that was not a good idea Mollyanna, to lose another part of you But I doubt you'll look ugly.

 

Then D calls and cancels for tonight. Says he is going to work late and he is in a bad mood. Says "OK?"

 

What a pest that guy. But, the waters are kind of agitated now so maybe they'll have to settle. Too much going on lately and everyone is stressed.

 

Just take it easy, I'd go to the ocean if I were you, the water temperature over there is about 86 degress, here 68 degrees, the other way around.

 

Later you,

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

Sigh,

 

Telling him about bleeding on guys' cars might be a good place to start

 

It was a folded piece of paper, I wouldn't make anybody's car dirty.

 

Don't tell me you are getting jealous...

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

I'm depressed again. not going anywhere. holing myself up in the house. haven't even eaten anything today. this is not good.

 

i'm spiraling down fast again. and getting crazier.

 

wrote this text message to him an hour ago -

"being with you is the only time i have been happy in the whole last year and a half. There's just no point in being here if I can't be with you. The only other happy place I have is with my nieces. U r the only people on this earth I feel close to. I just wanted u until I can get back there. But selfish of me, isn't it?"

 

The above was in reference to me moving out of Florida and back to Ohio.

[Ariadne]

Boy,

 

You are really going crazy...

 

If the guy were supportive at least, but that message is going to freak him out.

 

Boy... that guy you can't even open up to, because all he does is run. It's terrible.

 

Try to take it easy and ride the wave of sorts.

 

You'll see him again, I promise. Just relax now.

 

And I know what you mean, when I'm depressed like that I don't want to go anywhere either. I just take sleeping pills, get under the covers, and everything can go to hell.

 

Well, one of those days, poor baby, hugs,

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

yes i am crazy. wrote another one saying "i'm sorry, crazy me again. i make everyone miserable. i'm sorry 2 make u wish u had never dated me"

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

I think we need some very special guys to understand us.

 

You are just being yourself, which is great, is just that the guy is not supportive.

 

But I suppose he is used to your texts by now, so at least that.

 

Awwww.... {{{Molly}}}

 

@>--,----'-----

 

Good luck there,

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

Hey Touche,

 

I had missed this post.

 

Lonely places in nature? Hiking? See what I do with him tonight?

 

Well, he "bikes" that's his kind of thing he said, for hours, and he does mountain biking too. So he was telling me that he knows the best hikes etc etc.

 

And of course, that he would like to show them to me......

 

NO, NO, NO!!!! Take control. YOU decide what you do and where you go.

 

Yeah, I know that...

 

Please, please don't go off anywhere secluded with him, Aria. Ok? He can't "get" you yet, he doesn't even KNOW you. He could be a total con man.

 

Promise us you won't go anywhere with him alone, ok? I'm really worried for you now.

 

Yeah, I'll see how I get rid of him today. I can't believe it.

 

But he does sound like a nice guy on the phone though...

 

Ariadne

[the_alchemyst]

yes i am crazy. wrote another one saying "i'm sorry, crazy me again. i make everyone miserable. i'm sorry 2 make u wish u had never dated me"

 

Molly, dearest--What is WRONG with you?

 

Why are you doing that to yourself, Mollyanna? Seriously, why?

 

You are pretty, nice, funny, friendly, and smart--I can see these things by your posts, so imagine what others, ones who are actually graced to spend time with you can see. Imagine. Of course he sees these things, but really, just because he does won't make a difference.

 

I completely understand why you may be sad and depressed, and you have a right to feel that way, but what you really, really don't have a right to do is put yourself down in such a manner! If you constantly tell others and yourself that you're no good and the likes, then how can people like you?

 

You say that you are sad that he is "going away," yet you don't realize how much you yourself are pushing him away by your behavior. Do you think he wants to be with a girl who is sad all of the time and with someone who can't seem to properly functioned without a guy? Or how about a girl who sends him text messages telling him how much she sucks and how sorry she is to have ever been involved in anyone else's life because she thinks of herself as the Bringer of Misery?

 

Would you want a guy like that? How would you feel? You would probably feel guilty, sad, and annoyed with that person, wouldn't you? If not the latter two, then surely the first--and guilt is not a good foundation for any relationship, Molly.

 

Not him, not a therapist, not your nieces, not Ariadne, not Touche, not I, not anyone will be able to help you get out of this slump if you don't want to get out of it.

 

And whilst you say that you do, I really don't see it.

[loveinlife]

I gave him everything back. But he still has a few things of mine. of course... so sad today. was a nervous wreck last night. I do stupid things when I am anxious. I cut my hair. badly. it looks awful now today I will have to go get it fixed, if it can even be repaired without chopping it short.

 

Ariadne: why do we make dates with people we don't want to go out with? Are we that lonely?

 

I went to the beauty salon, got about a foot of hair cut off and I hate it, I look awful, so ugly. Then D calls and cancels for tonight. Says he is going to work late and he is in a bad mood. Says "OK?" And I just sit there. I start crying (to myself) and he says "Look, I gotta go, alright? I'll call you tonight." and I said "alright" in a pitiful voice that does nothing to him.

 

I guess he really doesn't want to talk.

 

I'm depressed again. not going anywhere. holing myself up in the house. haven't even eaten anything today. this is not good.

 

i'm spiraling down fast again. and getting crazier.

 

wrote this text message to him an hour ago -

"being with you is the only time i have been happy in the whole last year and a half. There's just no point in being here if I can't be with you. The only other happy place I have is with my nieces. U r the only people on this earth I feel close to. I just wanted u until I can get back there. But selfish of me, isn't it?"

 

The above was in reference to me moving out of Florida and back to Ohio.

 

yes i am crazy. wrote another one saying "i'm sorry, crazy me again. i make everyone miserable. i'm sorry 2 make u wish u had never dated me"

 

 

Mollyanna,

 

How are you feeling? Hope you are feeling better. I know it is frustrating and you feel that everything is hopeless at this moment. Don't let him know that you are feeling this way. I have learned that making yourself look bad brought me no where. I told her at one point that I felt like dying because she was not with me anymore. It is not worth inflicting suffering on oneself.

 

There is nothing we can do but to look for a solution. A lot of people have suggested being independent, detached from all things that we need bc it only brings suffering. Basically learn how to be happy with oneself and learn not to rely on someone.

 

Some things that helped me:

 

1.) Talk to friends about how you feel. Have someone you trust be a mentor who have succeeded.

 

2.) Go out with friends and have a good time.

 

3.) Meet new people.

 

4.) Talk to family members about how you feel, maybe they can help you go through this healing process.

 

5.) Do what you feel like doing, go for a cruise, walk the park, anything that makes you feel good.

 

6.) LS helps.

 

7.) Meditation

 

8.) Etc, anything that'll keep yourself learning.

 

 

I know it sounds easier said than done, as I am going through this healing process myself. Most of the people on LS are feeling the same as you. I had my down times and I know I will have more, but I will try to take it one day at a time.

 

Hope you are feeling better.

[Mollyanna]

I can see that. I did it in the beginning of our relationship too. I don't know how to stop. I went what 4 days without talking to him? And then right after that, we fell into each other's arms. I am still freaked out about that night (just last Thursday) - where I felt like there was no where else in the world I would rather be.

 

He wrote back earlier. He said "Gosh, I just feel so good about myself now ! !"

 

And suddenly i felt like an ass. I have been an ass all day. Just because I didn't get my way, I didn't get him to love me. I didn't get him to forsake all others just for me. I couldn't get him to put me first in his priorities. I am THE jerk, not him.

[the_alchemyst]

 

I am THE jerk, not him.

 

Uhm . . . no.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

And suddenly i felt like an ass. I have been an ass all day. Just because I didn't get my way, I didn't get him to love me. I didn't get him to forsake all others just for me. I couldn't get him to put me first in his priorities. I am THE jerk, not him.

 

Well, you can't help wanting to be his girlfriend, and to be in the party as his girlfriend in front of all the rest.

 

You felt sad about that. That is your feeling.

 

So you told him...

 

But given the situation as it is, with him wanting the fwb thing etc, you are not getting the support you need.

 

You'd have to be some sort of hyper martyr to be with that guy.

 

Put his feelings first and forget yours, but then, you just have them, and you express them, and the guy instead of reassuring you runs away and blames you.

 

It's a pretty crappy thing, but, hopefully, the waters will settle as usual.

 

Anyway, I'm going to get a haircut right now, you inspired me

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

Put his feelings first and forget yours, but then, you just have them, and you express them, and the guy instead of reassuring you runs away and blames you.

 

It's a pretty crappy thing, but, hopefully, the waters will settle as usual.

 

Anyway, I'm going to get a haircut right now, you inspired me

 

Ariadne: He did call. And yes the waters did settle. I feel better. He answered a lot of my fears and worries. I TRULY believe now that we are not together because of HIM, not because of anything that I did or didn't do or who I am. He says he truly cares about me a lot. When I kept saying I am crazy, he said he laughs at the incessant text messaging because he knows how my mind works and thinks it is cute. The only thing he doesn't like? When I make him feel guilty. He asked me to please think about what I am saying before I send the message. OK, fair enough. Are we back together? No, but I do think he is an incredibly sweet, understanding man. He asked me to reconsider moving back to Ohio. He doesn't believe I will be happy there. He swears that he doesn't not want me to leave his life, that it is much more important that he keeps my friendship than have sex with me.

 

I hope your haircut went well. I HATE HATE HATE mine. In fact, I am going to another salon tomorrow probably to see what they can do to it.

[Ariadne]

Well!

 

The grandpa date went great.

 

He is a very very handsome man with beautiful blue eyes, but all wrinked of course and has a beard.

 

And he has a really nice body too. And he is Jewish!!! Another one. Jewish from NY.

 

Well. We went walking on a golf course and it was absoultely beautiful because it was sundown and there was this beautiful full moon on top of the trees... just a gorgeous summer night.

 

We had a great conversation, he is very interesting to talk to, and of course he tried to make all sort of plans with me, like, he has a land somewhere and said that he wanted me to go live with him there type of teasing talk.

 

And the whole time he tried to kiss me because of the full moon he said, but I said, I can't get over you are too old!!! I can't... noooo....

 

Then when we went back to the car again he tried to kiss but he just touched my lips and I moved away...

 

So he invited me for dinner at his house on Friday. I told him no.

 

So he asked if he could call me I said, yeah, you could call me, he said, but it has to be mutual...Do you want me to call you?

 

I said, if you ask me like that then no, I want you to never call me again.

 

He says, never is a long time, and looked at me with his blue eyes, yeah I said.

 

So that was it, bye bye, and we left in each other's cars.

 

Who knows if he's going to call, but I hope he doesn't.

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

Hi guys,

 

Well, the liquor store guy, a handsome like hell, 27 year old, stud, tall, buff, Arab guy has been flirting with me for a while now.

 

He had already asked me if I had a bf and I told him no, and he asked me if I wanted one. I said yes.

 

Well, this type of teasing went on and on every time I went there.

 

So tonight, I stopped at his store to buy some beer and he came to me and said, still don't have bf? I said, no. Want to date me? Hmmm....

 

Yes? He said, and grabbed my hand. I took it out. Dunno, how old are you? 27. I'm 39. Is ok, he said.

 

So I said... ok! (I really liked this guy for a while) so he told me to meet him at midnight because that's the time he gets off work.... Tonight!? Yes, he says.

 

I said ok. OMG OMG. So I went to my car and he chased me out there and said, see you at 12, Ariadne I want your hand, I said, no, I'm shy. Ok, Ariadne, I like your lips...

 

Ahhhhh

 

So tonight with this stud guy, and this guy is fast, gosh, no shy at all.

 

So you guys wish me luck because this guy I really like...

 

Ahhh... I'm excited!

 

Ariadne

[burning 4 revenge]

See, a month ago you were going to shoot yourself and now your'e going to kiss a mummy and a teenager all in the same night

[Ariadne]

Hey!

 

Ariadne: He did call. And yes the waters did settle. I feel better. He answered a lot of my fears and worries.

 

Alright!!! Well, glad you are feeling better now.

 

When I kept saying I am crazy, he said he laughs at the incessant text messaging because he knows how my mind works and thinks it is cute.

 

And this is fantastic that the messaging thing is cute. You know how guys freak out at those thing. Hey!

 

I hope your haircut went well. I HATE HATE HATE mine. In fact, I am going to another salon tomorrow probably to see what they can do to it.

 

I hate it too!!! I told the woman to "trim" it and she cut like 5 inches off and left it all short. I don't even look like myself anymore. Ack. The good thing is that is very healthy now because it had started to get dry at the ends.

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

See, a month ago you were going to shoot yourself and now your'e going to kiss a mummy and a teenager all in the same night

 

Hehehe... I'm happy now!

 

I wonder what will happen...

 

But I think this guy wouldn't mind to be fwb at all.

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

OOOOMMMMGGGGG

 

Don't even ask you guys....

 

Think whatever you want.

 

He's a BEAST!!!!!!!

 

Ariadne