I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[whichwayisup]

I'm not personalizing this at all, but if I am, I'm putting myself in the shoes of this guy and his wife. It takes TWO to tango, the marriage didn't fall apart just because one person stopped making the effort...Communication stopped, feelings changed and bad choices were made. Can it all be fixed? I don't know. I hope so, as people deserve a second chance to make things right again. I hope both of them can see the faults, what led them to where they are now and hopefully together re-build and make life good again.

 

Before I was just pointing out that some OW who are replying to posts here, are getting abit miffed with this guy. Like they're comparing him to THEIR own MM. And he's not them. Just as the OW here aren't his OW.

 

Him calling her pyscho ruffled up some feathers here. Maybe I am wrong, but it seemed like that to me.

 

Anyway, I didn't mean to rock the boat here, so sorry if I've said the wrong thing.

[BenThereDunThat]

Whoaa, Tard, Simmer down. Everyone here has been doing their best to be open-minded and supporting him via the info he's given us. And of course, the wife should take some of the blame! But in an ideal world (and of course, this isn't, or we wouldn't all be here), he should have dealt with her issues, abuse, neglect, whatever outright. Without having sought an outside party.

 

And in this case, the outside party was given every reason to think he loved her and was ending his marriage in order to be with her. I don't ever think it's right to confront the spouse in such a way. None of us do. But we can, most of us, understand the emotion that drove her to it.

[climbergirl]

For some reason I am turned on by this post!

 

:lmao: !

[MarriedTard]

he should have dealt with her issues, abuse, neglect, whatever outright. Without having sought an outside party.

 

 

Ok genius, what does that mean? He should have "dealt" with her issues. Is there any way you could have posted something more devoid of meaning than this? Have you ever been married to a woman like H2T's? Right, I didn't think so.

[BenThereDunThat]

Ok genius, what does that mean? He should have "dealt" with her issues. Is there any way you could have posted something more devoid of meaning than this? Have you ever been married to a woman like H2T's? Right, I didn't think so.

 

I mean exactly that. DEAL with them. TELL her how you feel and that you won't stand for that kind of treatment. In other words, BE.A.MAN. before you go dragging someone else through your confused, messed up world. The cowardly thing to do is to not address the problems in your marriage and just go cry on someone else's shoulder. And then be shocked, SHOCKED that everything is such a mess.

 

And enough with the sarcasm. Even when we disagree here, we're all respective of each other.

[newbby]

ugh

 

what is that supposed to mean? which part of my post are you responding to? the part where i agreed with you? or the part where i did neither?

[newbby]

I'm not personalizing this at all,

cumon wwiu!

Before I was just pointing out that some OW who are replying to posts here, are getting abit miffed with this guy. Like they're comparing him to THEIR own MM. And he's not them. Just as the OW here aren't his OW.

nothing to do with it actually.

 

Him calling her pyscho ruffled up some feathers here. Maybe I am wrong, but it seemed like that to me.

yeah it did. why do you suppose this is? maybe because the ow usually gets the raw end of the reputation deal. he said in one breath he loved her, he admitted to messing her head around intentionally or not, in the next breath he said she was psycho, because of her not being able to cope with the head messing. whilst he was slating the w it was all wrong and he was being irresponsible, despite the fact that she made him kick his dying father out of the house amongst other things, but soon as he slated the ow, he got a round of applause and his responsibility there did not matter. this is what annoyed me. he HIMSELF did not annoy me so much as the other posters.

[newbby]

Ok genius, what does that mean? He should have "dealt" with her issues. Is there any way you could have posted something more devoid of meaning than this? Have you ever been married to a woman like H2T's? Right, I didn't think so.

 

yeah so you are saying h2t having the affair was a reaction.

just like the ow telling the w was a reaction

perhaps the entire marriage downfall was reaction upon reaction, like most are i should think. so yes you are completely correct, h2t should not be being judged, and nor should ow, and nor should w.

[BenThereDunThat]

I mean exactly that. DEAL with them. TELL her how you feel and that you won't stand for that kind of treatment. In other words, BE.A.MAN. before you go dragging someone else through your confused, messed up world. The cowardly thing to do is to not address the problems in your marriage and just go cry on someone else's shoulder. And then be shocked, SHOCKED that everything is such a mess.

 

And enough with the sarcasm. Even when we disagree here, we're all respective of each other.

 

And I meant to say respectful, not respective. Wouldn't let me edit for some reason.

[BUTAFLY]

His father just died, he's an only child and she hauls off to a vacation to buy trinkets? Is that not betrayal? A good friend would have cancelled the vacation. The wife doesn't? She throws out his dad who's dying of cancer because she feels icky? She is a cold fish

Yes this is the woman who he protrayed to be and so I didn't come down on him at first. But a week later he proclaims his love for this same woman makes her out to be befuddled loving wife who is more concerned about his happiness. Thats why I'm calling rat on this thread. which is it -the cold hearted bitch or the distraught wife who is willing to make him happy.

[MarriedTard]

Yes this is the woman who he protrayed to be and so I didn't come down on him at first. But a week later he proclaims his love for this same woman makes her out to be befuddled loving wife who is more concerned about his happiness. Thats why I'm calling rat on this thread. which is it -the cold hearted bitch or the distraught wife who is willing to make him happy.

And where does she say that? I saw where she said that she was tired of worrying about his happiness. Great attitude she has.

[BenThereDunThat]

I believe someone mentioned this earlier. At the end of the day, all we have to go on is his version of events. We have no clue what kind of husband he really was and to that end, no real clue what kind of wife she was. Only his emotional version of events, as told in the middle of a crisis.

 

Again - no matter where you fall on this debate, this is still a really good insight into the ugly world of incommunicative marriages and affairs.

 

ALL parties suffer.

[silktricks]

I thought it was the OW who was tired of worrying about his happiness.

 

Anyway, MarriedTard, you are right. His wife was a sh*t to him. She absolutely deserved to have him leave her. Up front leave. Sneaking around having an affair, though isn't good for either of them. Lying is not good for the liar. In fact, it's probably worse for the liar than it is for the one being lied to.

 

So, the person who is really in the right? None of them. The person who is really in a lot of pain? All of them.

 

Hopefully each and everyone learns from this sad mess and comes out a better person - and maybe even a happier one.

[MarriedTard]

I thought it was the OW who was tired of worrying about his happiness.

 

Anyway, MarriedTard, you are right. His wife was a sh*t to him. She absolutely deserved to have him leave her. Up front leave. Sneaking around having an affair, though isn't good for either of them. Lying is not good for the liar. In fact, it's probably worse for the liar than it is for the one being lied to.

 

So, the person who is really in the right? None of them. The person who is really in a lot of pain? All of them.

 

Hopefully each and everyone learns from this sad mess and comes out a better person - and maybe even a happier one.

 

I would agree except that I think getting caught in the affair sounds like the only and maybe last chance they have to resolve the underlying issues in this marriage. She could not have gotten a bigger wake-up call. The advantage is that he loves her and hopefully she loves him back. If she's surfing the net for ways to repair the marriage, there's maybe a good chance.

[silktricks]

yup - absolutely. She would have gotten the same wake-up call though, if he'd left her, and he wouldn't be suffering the guilt that he's going through now, nor would another woman have been brought in and experienced pain also.

 

I'm just sayin' - dealing with situations straight up is better for everybody - not always possible, mind you, but better.

[Last Mohegan]

You did mean to rock the boat or you would not have told me to stop personalizing. You aren't that naive.

 

I'm not personalizing this at all, but if I am, I'm putting myself in the shoes of this guy and his wife.

 

You did personalize it.

 

Anyway, I didn't mean to rock the boat here, so sorry if I've said the wrong thing.

 

You did rock the boat, as is everyone else, but I don't think for a minute you mind rocking it... again, different opinions for different posters.

[portableversion]

What the OW did was the PERFECT act of vengeance. She ****ed him HARD...but not in the way HE would have preferred.

 

H2t, just remember what can happen when you drag a third party into a situation. You can NEVER know what they'll do. Like rat you out to the wife. OR blackmail you.

[whichwayisup]

You did mean to rock the boat or you would not have told me to stop personalizing. You aren't that naive.

 

 

 

You did personalize it.

 

 

 

You did rock the boat, as is everyone else, but I don't think for a minute you mind rocking it... again, different opinions for different posters.

 

You're assuming alot.

 

Anyway, if you need to say anymore about this, please feel free PM me.

[JamesM]

Okay, okay, relax. I am of the firm belief that we ALL personalize our answers to some degree. And for me, THAT is a good thing.

 

When I posted my problems here, I was thankful that everyone personalized their answer. Why? Because of someone personalizing their answer, I was told about my wife's thyroid as being part of our problem...or rather most of it. If this persona had decided that it wasn't worth sharing because surely their problem couldn't be related to my problem.....if someone hadn't done that, who knows where my marriage would be now...right, WWIU?

 

So, here to, we will all personalize our answers. All posters must know that when they lay it on the line, all types of people will respond. And from those responses, the person will take what fits and go forward. When someone is overly critical, then sometimes we must take it to heart. This kick in the butt may be exactly we need.

 

So, here a man has cheated on his wife, she may have not been perfect, he has not been, and due to his indiscretion, the OW revealed it to the world. He hopefully has learned a lesson...play with fire, and you may get burned.He needs to learn what commitment is and what should be done if problems arise. Fleeing your problems rather than dealing with them doesn't solve them. He knows he was stupid...now he looks for direction on which action to take. That is what we are here for.

 

My suggestion...cut off all ties to the OW...she took care of that already. Decide if the wife is worth reconciling with for love or for family. Move on and solve the personal problems that led to cheating. When all baggage is destroyed, then consider a new relationship either with the wife or someone else.

[Last Mohegan]

Wow...that was really good.

 

Okay, okay, relax. I am of the firm belief that we ALL personalize our answers to some degree. And for me, THAT is a good thing.

 

When I posted my problems here, I was thankful that everyone personalized their answer. Why? Because of someone personalizing their answer, I was told about my wife's thyroid as being part of our problem...or rather most of it. If this persona had decided that it wasn't worth sharing because surely their problem couldn't be related to my problem.....if someone hadn't done that, who knows where my marriage would be now...right, WWIU?

 

So, here to, we will all personalize our answers. All posters must know that when they lay it on the line, all types of people will respond. And from those responses, the person will take what fits and go forward. When someone is overly critical, then sometimes we must take it to heart. This kick in the butt may be exactly we need.

 

So, here a man has cheated on his wife, she may have not been perfect, he has not been, and due to his indiscretion, the OW revealed it to the world. He hopefully has learned a lesson...play with fire, and you may get burned.He needs to learn what commitment is and what should be done if problems arise. Fleeing your problems rather than dealing with them doesn't solve them. He knows he was stupid...now he looks for direction on which action to take. That is what we are here for.

 

My suggestion...cut off all ties to the OW...she took care of that already. Decide if the wife is worth reconciling with for love or for family. Move on and solve the personal problems that led to cheating. When all baggage is destroyed, then consider a new relationship either with the wife or someone else.

[tinktronik]

yup - absolutely. She would have gotten the same wake-up call though, if he'd left her, and he wouldn't be suffering the guilt that he's going through now, nor would another woman have been brought in and experienced pain also.

 

I'm just sayin' - dealing with situations straight up is better for everybody - not always possible, mind you, but better.

That's just it ST , Its NOT the same wake-up call . Having your partener leave and having them cheat are two completely different things . They both do different things to you emotionally .The scars are very different .

[Ladyjane14]

What I didn't tell her - because it's not time yet in the current emotional state we're in - is that I am going to need her to make a few changes as well. Nothing major - just I need her to be more affectionate with me. It's not even about more sex (although that would be nice) - but it's about being treated with love and respect. If she can't do that, then all the original problems will remain. While I'll never have an affair again - it may well lead us to divorce.

 

I agree with a4a that you should probably wait and work this out in MC. That is... if your wife is willing to go.

 

In the meantime, she's naturally going to be curious about WHY you did what you did. You'll be able to impart quite a bit of your feelings to her as you answer her questions.

 

Your communications will be more productive though if you're descriptive with words that describe YOU and your emotions. So, you want to lead off with phrases like "I felt..." and "It seemed to me like....". You'll want to avoid anything that sounds accusatory, as in "You always...." or "You never....". There will be time to deal with that later, if she's elects to work on the marriage.

 

I also like the suggestion to set up MC right now while she's gone. More often than not, it takes a couple of weeks to get it lined up. Getting it arranged on your own will show that you're proactive. You can call your health insurance company in order to verify whatever benefits you might have, and they should also be able to give you a list of preferred providers. If your wife balks and doesn't want to go.... there's no reason why you can't start without her. It's always possible that she might choose to join you later.

[BUTAFLY]

I believe someone mentioned this earlier. At the end of the day, all we have to go on is his version of events. We have no clue what kind of husband he really was and to that end, no real clue what kind of wife she was. Only his emotional version of events, as told in the middle of a crisis.

 

Again - no matter where you fall on this debate, this is still a really good insight into the ugly world of incommunicative marriages and affairs.

 

ALL parties suffer.

 

I'll tell who is suffering...My mm is home cuddling with his wife and I'm here reading how it ok for him to do what he did to OW because he's confused. Thats suffering:(

I could only imagine what his OW is going through.

ps yes yes yes I know I'm not the OW and he's not my MM. Just needed to get that out.

[UnknowingOW]

For some reason I am turned on by this post!

 

 

I just love reading your quotes...you kill me! :lmao:

[Hard2Think]

Things have gotten very weird. W and kids left to go on vacation this morning until this Sunday coming. I was supposed to go - but W told me I wasn't welcome. Given the circumstances - I went with it.

 

I called them at the hotel this evening and W barely said hello before passing the phone to the kids. She didn't want to talk to me. I figure that's how it's going to be for awhile.

 

OW showed up at the door again tonight. That freaked me out because this is completely unlike her. She didn't even call or email first. I asked her to leave immediately and she refused. She started banging on the door, shaking the door handle, and repeatedly ringing the doorbell. I finally had to call the cops. She left before they got there. She then left me a very crazy message about how she did what she did yesterday to free me so that we could be together forever. When the cops got there, a police officer called her and warned her in a friendly manner to keep away.