I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[newbby]

If the OW thought this was going to bring you closer to her, to make sure the marriage was indeed over, it backfired on her big time.

i very much doubt this is what she thought, she had probably just had enough of the b***shyt. h2t has done quite abit of lying to anonymous ls members, so this is probably just a fraction of what the ow put up with.

[whichwayisup]

Just remember this guy is a MM, but not your MM or any other OW's MM. Seems some of the OW who are replying, are venting their anger out on him and that's not fair. He's here for help, not to defend himself against others posting on LS.

 

Give him the same respect you expect and want when you all post. I seem to remember recently people getting upset in the OW/OM section that they were being judged...Just pointing out that this guy deserves the same respect as the OW/OM do in that forum...

[Ladyjane14]

Someone asked what it is that I want. I will never speak to OW again. Ever. It's over no matter what happens with W.

 

You're saying that because you're mad at her. I haven't got any comment on whether you ought to be angry or not. You were both culpable in the EMR. Neither of you is a guiltless victim here. The pertinant fact though... is that you're angry with her because she busted you to your wife. But that anger won't last long enough to provide you with permanent NC. You're going to be facing withdrawal soon.

 

Your relationship with OW has been providing you with some feel good brain chemicals. Every time you interacted with her or thought about her you were getting a little "fix". You've been using these little fixes kind of like a band-aid. They provided a little 'pick-me-up' to get you through your day. Now, you are addicted. The important thing you need to know is that it isn't the OW that you're addicted to. It's the stimulus your brain has been receiving that's going to make you feel like a crack-head in withdrawal.

 

Once you realize that your addicted feelings are physiological in nature, and NOT altogether emotional.... you're in a better position to beat the addiction without caving in to contact. As I told you before, you should see your doctor. The modern medicines on the market today can help to readjust the neurotransmitters, things like serotonin and norepinephrine which may have been out-of-whack to begin with. When your body isn't producing or utilizing these things correctly, as in depression, it can affect a person's judgement.

 

Without treatment... you will more than likely return to contact with the OW again. You'll be seeking out that little dopamine buzz, and your affected judgement will provide you with rationalizations to support that choice.

 

But if you're committed to NC, and you seek treatment at both the physiological and the psychological level... you can stay the course.

 

What I want is W - but the way OW was with me. I want what I always wanted. For W to love me and show it.

 

At the end of the day, what most people in unhappy marriages REALLY want.... is their spouse back. Not the angry, unresponsive one. They want the girl (or guy) they married way back when.

 

Imagine the love that you and your wife had back then as a shiny nugget of gold. After years and years of built up resentments and unresolved issues.... it's become covered in grime, blackened nearly to the point of being unrecognizable. It IS possible to clean that all up though. It takes hard work and it takes BOTH partners.... but as a possibility, it exists.

 

You had a veritable laundry list of things you're harboring resentments toward your wife over. I bet she's got her list too.

But.... these things ARE surmountable when mutual forgiveness is employed and both partners learn to prioritize the other's needs as if they were their own.

[silktricks]

h2t has done quite abit of lying to anonymous ls members

 

Why do you say this?

[silktricks]

He is not blaming himself 100%... He has put sufficient blame on his wife from the onset. She doesn't do this; I simply want this; I've tried everything; she wasn't there for me during this time; she goes limp... with the dialogue this man has been able to carry on at LS I can't imagine this is the first he's heard of MC.

 

And, yes, every individual is responsible for their own actions and feelings but how many BS's on LS have urged OW to tell the BS? They ALWAYS say let the BS know what's going on.

 

One minute this man is talking about a call girl and staying married, the next about the OW, the next about his wife; the next "poor me" I just want to be loved; the next oh my poor kids... Why would it not surprise me to find that no matter how much his wife "changed" for him, it would never be enough?

 

I'm trusting my gut on this one... You sound like a classic narcissist H2T.

I really think you (and the others who agreed with you) are off track on this.

 

Any person who honestly discusses what is going on or has gone on with them must absolutely talk about the WHY. The WHY of our actions almost always includes other peoples actions, because in reality most of our actions are not in isolation, but rather are at least in part REactions to what other people are doing. That's why the blame game works so well. We all have some.

 

Our reactions can be good and healthy and honest, or not. In H2T's case, for the most part they were not. He has a very human tendency to try to avoid strife and anger, and still get what he wants out of life - which is happiness.

 

H2T just sounds confused. I never understand the perspective of so many women on these boards. Why is it understandable for a woman to be confused? "I want to stay, I don't want to stay, I'm so mixed up!" But if a man says the same thing he's accused of having a borderline personality. We're all just people, folks. We've all got the same crazy issues going on in our lives and in our minds.

 

Everybody has pain, and everyone deals with that pain on different levels and in different ways. What H2T did wrong (and what I'd bet a lot of MM do) is that he dealt with his pain of problems in his marriage by finding solace (and sex - the best pain reliever of all) with someone new and exciting. He didn't deal with his marriage issues and then didn't deal with his ow issues. Instead he did what LJ was talking about, and went for the dopamine "fix".

 

H2T - I hope you can find happiness sometime, but you've built up a boatload of bad karma that you're going to need to work out. Good luck.

 

As for BS's wanting to know the truth - you bet your a$$, but want to be told that truth by the OW? - I would bet everything I own that regardless of what most BS may say, when it comes right down to it, that would be the LAST person in the world to hear it from. And regardless of what any OW says, I simply do not believe that she would be sharing that information with the W from any altruistic tendency.

[newbby]

I seem to remember recently people getting upset in the OW/OM section that they were being judged...Just pointing out that this guy deserves the same respect as the OW/OM do in that forum...

 

whose judging? you just came out with some bizzarre statement that the ow probably did this to get rid of his wife so she could have him, and her little plan backfired!! at least my opinions were formed on actually listening to someone and not based on some ridiculous false stereotype.

[BUTAFLY]

are you people reading the same thread I am? I'm not coming down on H2T but he came here looking for a way get his OW back and courage to D the W. Lets not forget the title of this thread I'M IN LOVE W/OW-NOW WHAT?

[newbby]

Why do you say this?

 

i dont think he intended to lie silk tricks, but he was lying to himself or something, i mean he went from "i love the ow", to "i never want to speak to her again", without actually seeing that her reactions had anything to do with his actions. he went from "i dont love my wife and this is all her fault" to "my poor wife is upset". he must have not been clear with himself, and therefore it is obvious that he would not have been clear with anyone else.

[tinktronik]

I really think you (and the others who agreed with you) are off track on this.

 

Any person who honestly discusses what is going on or has gone on with them must absolutely talk about the WHY. The WHY of our actions almost always includes other peoples actions, because in reality most of our actions are not in isolation, but rather are at least in part REactions to what other people are doing. That's why the blame game works so well. We all have some.

 

Our reactions can be good and healthy and honest, or not. In H2T's case, for the most part they were not. He has a very human tendency to try to avoid strife and anger, and still get what he wants out of life - which is happiness.

 

H2T just sounds confused. I never understand the perspective of so many women on these boards. Why is it understandable for a woman to be confused? "I want to stay, I don't want to stay, I'm so mixed up!" But if a man says the same thing he's accused of having a borderline personality. We're all just people, folks. We've all got the same crazy issues going on in our lives and in our minds.

 

Everybody has pain, and everyone deals with that pain on different levels and in different ways. What H2T did wrong (and what I'd bet a lot of MM do) is that he dealt with his pain of problems in his marriage by finding solace (and sex - the best pain reliever of all) with someone new and exciting. He didn't deal with his marriage issues and then didn't deal with his ow issues. Instead he did what LJ was talking about, and went for the dopamine "fix".

 

H2T - I hope you can find happiness sometime, but you've built up a boatload of bad karma that you're going to need to work out. Good luck.

 

As for BS's wanting to know the truth - you bet your a$$, but want to be told that truth by the OW? - I would bet everything I own that regardless of what most BS may say, when it comes right down to it, that would be the LAST person in the world to hear it from. And regardless of what any OW says, I simply do not believe that she would be sharing that information with the W from any altruistic tendency.

I absolutly agree ST , I think a lot of the responces are due to a thread posted by another member earlier telling OW on the forum to come and see this MM as an example of their MM . Thus he has become the enemy . As an example of what they don't want their own MM to do. Want his wife back the way she was before things got broken , and not want anything more to do with the OW once it was out in the open.Not knowing his own mind well enbough to know what he really wants , thus telling lies that don't seem so much like lies in the moment, but in the long term are. Whilst it is a good example, this person is here seeking support just like everone else ;and if there is no good advice then leave well enough alone.

Yes H2T , you are obviously confused about the mess YOU and only YOU have put yourself into . BUT . no wife wants to hear it from the OW ever! And the OW would not have told the W about the A out of anything other than spite or revenge or she would have told her long ago if she was concerned about this woman , like before the A began at all. H2T , see if your W is willing to go to MC ,work very very hard anfd if it works out , never ever cause her to hurt like she is now , again.

[tinktronik]

are you people reading the same thread I am? I'm not coming down on H2T but he came here looking for a way get his OW back and courage to D the W. Lets not forget the title of this thread I'M IN LOVE W/OW-NOW WHAT?

Why is it not plausable that he change his mind?He has been up front about being unhappy in his M , caring about his OW .Being afraid of DVing and being alone, but not wanting to hurt his wife or kids.

[newbby]

As for BS's wanting to know the truth - you bet your a$$, but want to be told that truth by the OW? - I would bet everything I own that regardless of what most BS may say, when it comes right down to it, that would be the LAST person in the world to hear it from. And regardless of what any OW says, I simply do not believe that she would be sharing that information with the W from any altruistic tendency.

 

of course it isnt altruistic! who is suggesting such a thing? thats crazy! i havent heard anybody say anything of the kind. it is a perfectly understandable reaction however, it is a big f*** you, you think you got away with it, and why not indeed on the one hand. i wouldnt do it, but thats because in the bigger picture its not important, but i can understand it.

nobody is saying h2t doesnt deserve compassion, i am not judging him, on that. but HIS judgement of the ow without seeing what preceded her actions or why she would not trust him is very annoying, and only further invalidates his claims that his wife was at fault in the marriage, after all, his truth seems to twist rather conveniently. i dont mean this as a judgement to you h2t, but you seem to quite effectively remove yourself from any equation when summing up your partners. perhaps you need to look at yourself in relationships, and work out whether people are actually only reacting to you. i am sure that this will come out in mc anyway, if this is what you are doing, and good luck with it. however, the story is always so similar isnt it, at the end of the day mm calls ow a psycho or unstable and cannot believe how she did not consider his wife, AFTER giving her very good reason to believe that she had a good reason to wait for him.

if anything this thread should be educational on how much the mm decieves the ow, but, no! still poor mm is just confused and ow is a little psycho!! probably she told the wife as a further part of her malicious plot to steal the poor mm from his marital home. ridiculous!

[silktricks]

i dont think he intended to lie silk tricks, but he was lying to himself or something, i mean he went from "i love the ow", to "i never want to speak to her again", without actually seeing that her reactions had anything to do with his actions. he went from "i dont love my wife and this is all her fault" to "my poor wife is upset". he must have not been clear with himself, and therefore it is obvious that he would not have been clear with anyone else.

 

Like I said, to me he just seems confused. When people are confused they often make contradictory statements - that comes from the confusion. Crikey, a lot of people make contradictory statements when they're NOT confused, but they still aren't lying - circumstances change, with the change of circumstances come changes of opinion.

[newbby]

And the OW would not have told the W about the A out of anything other than spite or revenge or she would have told her long ago if she was concerned about this woman , like before the A began at all. H2T , see if your W is willing to go to MC ,work very very hard anfd if it works out , never ever cause her to hurt like she is now , again.

 

maybe. or maybe she didnt realise that the a would drag on like this. maybe she thought that he was about to leave anyway. after all he sure as h3ll gave alot of indications of this. maybe when she realised that he had once again come told her that his marriage was over etc, and then gone on a trip with his wife, that he wasnt actually a man of his word and he had been stringing both along. who can say? without speaking to the ow nobody really knows why she did it, and so anything else is a guess, since ow is usually seen in extremely negative light, this guess isnt likely to be a fair one. it is like nobody can really say why the wife did not support h2t when his father died of cancer, yet there have been no harsh judgements of her.

[newbby]

Like I said, to me he just seems confused. When people are confused they often make contradictory statements - that comes from the confusion. Crikey, a lot of people make contradictory statements when they're NOT confused, but they still aren't lying - circumstances change, with the change of circumstances come changes of opinion.

 

OKAY silk tricks, but from the wifes pov he lied, and from the ows pov he lied. there can be no confusion about that, surely.

[BUTAFLY]

Its not about not wanting to give suport or bitter ow wanting to demonize him as you suggested. We gave him suport when he came here looking for a way to win his OW back when SHE was not speaking to him. People advised him on settleing things with his wife first.

He's the one that said:

I want to be out of this marriage and I wanted that before meeting OW

lets not forget this...

my life with the wife is lousy as hell.

or

I could probably live like this at least until the kids are grown if I really had to. I'd be unhappy, but I can do it.

I decided finally to leave my wife for her.

My wife and I had a very good talk a few days ago where I assured her that I would take care of her very fairly financially. She doesn't feel all that happy in the relationship either and is willing to go about it the friendly way - no attorneys until the end. She's ok with mediation so we come to an agreement as to what each other wants.

 

Suport he did get but a week later he changed his tune...complete 180. He can change his mind,sure, but you don't go from zero to 180 in a day.

This doesn't happen that quickly.. from can't live with out someone to calling her a pshyco & never wanting to see them again.

And from being with his W if he HAS to -to being with her because he WANTS to. Plus what difference does it, make the W wants out also.

[BUTAFLY]

Like I said, to me he just seems confused. When people are confused they often make contradictory statements - that comes from the confusion.

 

He's not confused. He clearly stated what he wanted one week ago and consistantly stated the same thing throughout this thread(and he got suport). Somehow the term MC keeps poping up, have you people read his posts? He and the wife already agreed on the divorce BEFORE the ow outted him. The wife wants a divorce, their marriage was not a good one. They were misirable with eachother. H2T has said nothing about MC.

[Ladyjane14]

Suport he did get but a week later he changed his tune...complete 180. He can change his mind,sure, but you don't go from zero to 180 in a day.

 

I don't think we can always take a poster at face-value, Butafly.

 

When you read those posts earlier, you saw a man who had already decided on divorce and was intent on sealing the deal with the OW. What I saw was a confused and foggy man who was bent on conflict avoidance and rationalizations.

 

I think Silk hit the nail on the head earlier regarding that. H2T didn't settle the issues with his wife, and he didn't settle them with the OW either.

 

He's got a daunting task ahead of him now. He's going to have to learn to deal with that part of his nature which shuns conflict. And he's going to have to rediscover his internal belief system, so that he can be TRUE to it... facing conflict when necessary in order to preserve it.

 

Maybe now, he's had enough of a shake-up to revisit all his earlier convictions and to make certain that what he thinks he believes is truly authentic. He needs to get in touch with his values and then stand on them.

 

You know, there have been times when I was absolutely convinced that my view was the only correct one. The problem between my husband and I regarding lop-sided libido springs to mind. I was wrong.... but it took me TEN YEARS to find that out. Because I never re-examined the problem using any other perspective but my own.

 

I didn't really hear the other perspective until there was a crisis in the marriage. But when I finally did, I realized that I wasn't living within the parameters of my own beliefs. It's not my habit to be unfair and not listen to the other guy's side. But that's exactly what I had done, so certain in my righteousness. I wasn't living my belief, rather.... I was sitting in judgement on the one person that I had vowed to love for the rest of my life.

 

Anyway, my point is... that sometimes we have ourselves convinced on a particular point, and after awile we find that it's not truly representative of who we are. Seeing the problems from his wife's angle is going to force H2T to re-examine some things. I think maybe we should allow him some time for self-discovery... and maybe not hold him too strictly to his former position.

 

Marital crisis forces us to look at our spouse's perspective. And lets face it.... nothing compares to a D-day in having the other guy's perspective 'whomp up on ya'. H2T just got his wife's perspective bent over his head like a 2x4. He's got to be reeling from the impact.

[norajane]

H2T, your comments about your wife's aerobics classes jogged my memory...did you post in another thread about your wife insisting on teaching classes from early morn to night, and thus was always tired and exhausted and wanted nothing to do with you? And she wouldn't even consider cutting back on a class or two even though you certainly weren't in need of money?

 

Even if that wasn't you, you might consider whether she may also have been having an affair of her own, and consider asking her about it. Both you and your wife checked out of the marriage a long time ago while still going through the motions. Your wife knew it, and when you discussed the divorce, she told you she also wasn't happy.

 

That doesn't necessarily mean an affair on her part, but the whole thing about who would teach her classes even though you needed to take care of your dad during his illness and treatment...that's so bizarre and really doesn't add up...why would her classes be so important to her?

 

If you're going to try to save your marriage, you also need all the facts of what has been happening in the marriage. Your wife needs to tell you what she's been going through for the last few years, and what she may have been doing to give herself that sanity fix.

[veronese]

 

I think a lot of the responses are due to a thread posted by another member earlier telling OW on the forum to come and see this MM as an example of their MM . Thus he has become the enemy . As an example of what they don't want their own MM to do. Want his wife back the way she was before things got broken , and not want anything more to do with the OW once it was out in the open. Not knowing his own mind well enough to know what he really wants , thus telling lies that don't seem so much like lies in the moment, but in the long term are. Whilst it is a good example, this person is here seeking support just like everyone else ;and if there is no good advice then leave well enough alone..

 

 

I didn't suggest to OW that H2T should be viewed as the enemy, I thought this thread explained the confusion of MM and might help OW understand what's going on in the MM's head better.

 

As for giving H2T advice and support? I posted a blunt reply to him not to attack but to spell things out the way I see it which could be what he needs.

 

This wasn't his first affair. He seemed to be enjoying himself until the OW gave him an ultimatum. He still wanted the OW enough to contact her again and resume a relationship with her.

 

He didn't begin divorce proceedings. Didn't show the OW any evidence that things had actually changed. Didn't want to stay with his wife but was being cautious about causing problems with regards access to the children. He seemed clear about wanting out though.

 

He'd tried to resolve the problems with his wife in the past without success. He missed affection, love, sex, warmth and friendship and found them for a year with the OW.

 

I think he hurt the OW more than he realises and the family holiday was the thing that made her recognize the futility of her relationship with this man. Her reasons for informing his wife aren't the issue here but she was probably acting out of emotional distress as well.

 

What now H2T? Depends on what you and your wife want. Going by all you've said I'm not sure your heart is in your marriage, but maybe having to face the prospect of losing your marriage/family now will be what you needed to see what's important to you. Situations like yours have a knack of shaking some sense back into people.

 

If your wife is prepared to try to work things out you will need to be honest with her and answer her questions truthfully, even if you think she'll hate what you tell her. If you want your marriage to work, your cards will have to be laid on the table at the start in order for you to both embark on the difficult task of repairing the damage and work towards a mutually rewarding, respectful and loving relationship.

 

You will have to be honest about your affairs, the details, the feelings you had about the OW and your wife, your plans and desires for the OW, the dissatisfaction you felt about your W, how neglected you felt with her....it'll all have to be discussed and addressed by you both and it will be extremely hard to go through.

 

Does your marriage mean that much to you? Time will tell H2T. You've got a lot of work to do to save it and would be sensible to seek marriage counselling without delay. Marriagebuilders is a brilliant site that gives lots of advice and suggestions that help couples recover after infidelity.

 

I understand how horrible things are for you right now, it's a rollercoaster ride and isn't any fun.

 

While you, your W and your OW are going through hell at the moment, my thoughts and concerns are for the children who are being hurt right now. Try to remember to think about them first before saying or doing anything that will affect them. They really should be your priority.

 

Good luck H2T,hope all goes well

 

v

[BUTAFLY]

I don't think we can always take a poster at face-value, Butafly.

Marital crisis forces us to look at our spouse's perspective. And lets face it.... nothing compares to a D-day in having the other guy's perspective 'whomp up on ya'. H2T just got his wife's perspective bent over his head like a 2x4. He's got to be reeling from the impact.

I like your post its very optimistic and free sprited It make me want to go take yoga class & mello out. I like you

But I don't see where he was suck on his convictions and did not see his wife's perspective. Her Perspective is was the same as his they BOTH AGREED on divorce before the ow. they both aren't happy. I don't understand why people are ignoring to see that. So what perspective am I missing?

[BUTAFLY]

This is what I truly think. This thread was constructed this to prove people will read and pick what they want based on their bias and experience. Notice how H2T came up with this story and quietly bowed out and let us women pick at it to death.

 

It kinda reminds me of the english comprehension portion to an entrence exam I took. I had to read a few pages of different stories and answer questions at the end. If I were doing this here and the question was what point did the author remain consistent on. Yes he waivered with OW- yes he through in curve balls about the w's behavior, but he never said he wanted to stay in the marriage. People remove yourself from this post and read it as is. Dont input or asume anything extra; ie working things out / MC-missunderstanding his wife perspective.

[Hard2Think]

I wasn't able to get to my PC yesterday afternoon - W asked me to move out. Out of courtesy I went ahead and slept in my dad's old apartment and until today. She and the kids went on our planned vacation without me - which maybe is better right now.

 

She called me last night and beat me up some more - which I let her do. She then complained that I didn't seem to be begging for fogiveness or anything. So I did tell her that I would give anything for us to be able to work this out and that I'd be willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

 

What I didn't tell her - because it's not time yet in the current emotional state we're in - is that I am going to need her to make a few changes as well. Nothing major - just I need her to be more affectionate with me. It's not even about more sex (although that would be nice) - but it's about being treated with love and respect. If she can't do that, then all the original problems will remain. While I'll never have an affair again - it may well lead us to divorce.

 

This morning, I feel 100% better. I was a bit of a basket case from the shock of what happened the other night. If you've never had a ranting and raving OW show up at your door confonting the ususpecting W - you just don't know what stress is ..! But now I'm kind of glad she did that. This stirring of this sh*t pot is forcing both W and I into making choices and not remaining in an ambivalent state of inertia. She can now decide if she really thinks it's worth keeping me as a H. If she doesn't want this - then it was best that we didn't stay together. This also give me a chance I think to have the issues I've been having all these years be taken more seriously. Either way - the marriage has a chance to either get stronger and better than it was before this - or it has a chance to dissolve and free us both for a better life. The benefit is that it won't stay as it was, gradually eroding.

 

Another thing I realized is this. I love W more than I thought I did. And as for OW - I just don't feel that way with her anymore. I think I had lost my mind because of the sex and the attention - but it wasn't love. It's a damn good thing I didn't leave for her. Why the change of heart? All I can think of is that the concept of divorce and the concept of being with OW full time looked far different when the light of reality shone in.

I loved this quote frokm LJ - it captures my feelings exactly:

 

At the end of the day, what most people in unhappy marriages REALLY want.... is their spouse back. Not the angry, unresponsive one. They want the girl (or guy) they married way back when.

 

During the past few days I've listened to W and let her insult and berate me in anger for hours on end. I also answered all her questions truthfully. Some were hard for her to swallow - and others seemed too self-serving to be true. But her intense anger and hatred gives me hope that she actually cares about me. Ironically this is the strongest show of love from her I've seen in years. Although she says she wants a divorce - I hear and see other signs that she does not want to end this marriage. I know she's been on 2 or three divorce sites on the net but she's been on a few dozen marriage counseling and marriage builder sites seeking ways to repair what we have. In her call last night - she was receptive to my "begging" - which is what I think she wanted to hear. She wants to hear that I'm ready to work on this. I also assured her that I'll never see or speak to OW ever in any way shape or form. And I won't.

 

In a way - I think this vacation she's taking with the kids is probably a blessing. It'll give her time to cool down a bit and maybe be ready for us to start making important decisions one way or the other.

 

I want to thank all of you posters from the bottom of my heart. I've been in an incredible rollercoaster ride from when I "decided" I wanted to be with OW until now and the ride isn't nearly over yet - and you all have been absolutely great. Thank God you are here and as kind with your time as you are. Even the more judgemental of you had a few good points - and I thank you all.

[Hard2Think]

Yes, she had agreed - but she was very distraught about it. Her comment to me was "I don't know what to say because nothing I say will change your mind". I was a little dismayed by her unwillingness to try and work things out. But no - I don't think she wanted it. She did say she was unhappy - and she was unhappy about having to worry about my happiness.

 

Last Mohegan,

I glad someone is telling it like it is-I applaud you.

H2T(and other men) thank you for goneing this forum. I'm not trying to bash you in any way and if I or others ask countless questions its because we crave to understand what goes on in the MM head and not trying to cut you down.

 

I just want to get somethings straight. You claim your wife is affectionless, isn't that why you sat her down and asked for a divorce and didn't she agree? I know you kept the ow out of that conversation because you 'didn't want to throw it in her face' but what did you tell her your reasoning you wanted a divorce. I just think if there was to be a blow up or a major discussion about your relationship it would have happened then and not when the OW outted you.

[a4a]

What I didn't tell her - because it's not time yet in the current emotional state we're in - is that I am going to need her to make a few changes as well. Nothing major - just I need her to be more affectionate with me. It's not even about more sex (although that would be nice) - but it's about being treated with love and respect. If she can't do that, then all the original problems will remain. While I'll never have an affair again - it may well lead us to divorce.

 

.

 

It is understandable that you want this...... and it is NOT time yet for you to start making demands.....sit on this..... let her get her anger out of her system. Do not expect her to return from vacation with open arms to you. You did the major damage here so you have to do the major repairs.

 

The grass ain't really all that much greener on the other side is it?

 

Anywho.. why don't you spend this time alone to work on YOU. Get into a MC or therapist ASAP.....do it now..... perhaps your wife will notice that you are actually attempting to put effort into fixing things. You state your wife is looking on divorce and MC sites......have you been?

 

My fear in reading your posts is that you are still being selfish and expecting your wife to fix things. Are you really willing to do the work on your behalf to fix your marriage?

 

Have you gone 100% NC with the OW? Are you really going to stick with it?

[Hard2Think]

No - I'm not expecting my wife to fix the marriage herself. In fact - I'm not even saying it was all her fault. The choice of the affair is all my fault and I don't intend to blame her for that. But affair or no affair - she needs to change for the marriage. These are things I had told her for years and she always say it as "whining". I'm hoping the affair leads us to a place where we can actually have a serious dialogue about all this. I also want to hear what bothers her. I could never get out of her what she really wanted from me, if anything. She just told me that she was always under the impression that all was ok in our marriage and that I was just looking for excuses to go "bang some woman".

 

But to answer - yes I am willing to do whatever it takes. If she wants me to work less and take her more places or to do whatever it is that she feels would fulfill her in this marriage - then I'll be hapy to do it. In fact - if I could get an honest list of those things she wants - I'd be thrilled.

 

I haven't been to the other side yet (thank God for that!) but I can see it wouldn't have been too green over there either.

 

And no - I'll never see OW again and I'm committed to that.

 

Yes I was on the ame sites as she without knowing it. This gives me great hope because some of the articles she read describe our situation exactly. She's looking for why this could have happened .. which I admire her greatly for.

 

 

It is understandable that you want this...... and it is NOT time yet for you to start making demands.....sit on this..... let her get her anger out of her system. Do not expect her to return from vacation with open arms to you. You did the major damage here so you have to do the major repairs.

 

The grass ain't really all that much greener on the other side is it?

 

Anywho.. why don't you spend this time alone to work on YOU. Get into a MC or therapist ASAP.....do it now..... perhaps your wife will notice that you are actually attempting to put effort into fixing things. You state your wife is looking on divorce and MC sites......have you been?

 

My fear in reading your posts is that you are still being selfish and expecting your wife to fix things. Are you really willing to do the work on your behalf to fix your marriage?

 

Have you gone 100% NC with the OW? Are you really going to stick with it?