I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what?

[Hard2Think]

I'm with mascara on this one.

She is upset with you that doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

You don't talk to her for weeks on end. You meet at her place, make love, then leave in the middle of the night,(lie about it) to go home to your wife, whom your divorcing, just to sleep in another room. and your not talking with her now. What is she suppose to think? Umm put yourself in her shoes... Now doesn't that sound fishy. I'm surpised the OW hasn't kicked you to the curb yet.

 

ps. when you make statements like this:

 

Thats just insulting.

 

Yeah - I admit it does sound pretty bad .. Well, I think maybe you all are right. I need to actually move out just to clear up any doubts in her mind. I hate the fact that this will take time - but so be it.

 

The part you saw as insulting was not meant to be. I guess what I was saying is that if I didn't have any emotional stake here - I'd stay with the wife for the sake of the kids and I would satisfy my physical needs elsewhere. I was just tryint to make the point that I realize my emotions are clouding my ability to do what would be most practical. I guess I expressed myself wrong - but I was in no way implying that OW is a hooker.

[Hard2Think]

A couple of comments after reading this...

 

You and the OW will probably not survive this divorce. It sounds like that already you see faults that are not liveable. You are already lying to her...ie allergic to cats. Your relationship started with a lie and broken promise to your wife. The OW will always have in the back of her mind a question of "Will he do it to me?" And from what I read, her biggest quality is her abilities in bed.

 

The thing you missed from your wife was/is sex and affection. You thread gives no indication why she has dropped such gestures. ( I know, you said another thread). However, it is necessary on your part to thoroughly examine your past/current marriage before jumping into another one. Your interactions with you wife or her lack of interest...whatever it was needs to be looked at, because you may very well find yourslef in another realtionship without sex and affection. (Trust me, it ain't always greener once you jump the fence).

 

Having lost all "real" sex and affection for three to four years....kissing nauseated her...I know where you are coming from. And other women appealed to me. Fortunately, no OW truly came into my life, or I may not have had the energy and motivations to find t he solution to our lack of sex. Oh, it was a medicine change for my wife. So simple, yet so complex.

 

IMHO your prospects for any relationship with this OW are not good. I almost think that getting together with your wife may be as good. You say your relationship is lousy? Why? Just no sex? Just curious.

 

It's a combination of things. She's very critical and demanding at all times to the point where I sometimes dread coming home. I might be able to put up with that if it were not for the fact that I get very little if any intimate contact with her. So the end result is that I feel used. I work every day and make us a great living. I think I'm a very easy going person and as such I do mny things for her. For 7 years sex has declined to a trickle and when it does happen - it's a quick, "let's get it over with" type of sex. She's nearly always tired and in her crappy PJ's when she decides its time.

 

I've tried everything to rekindle romance - trust me on this (please!). So please don't tell me about the candlelight dinners and the babysitters and the bubble baths and the trips to Europe .. ! There came a time, and I remember that time, when I sort of threw in the towel and gave up.

 

This is my second affair. I didn't want to leave the wife for the OW the first time and when I changed contracts and location our affair ended. I basically didn't want to see her anymore. This OW is different and yes it's probably mostly because of the great sex - but not entirely. Part of my attraction to her is probably that she appreciates all the little things I do that the wife doesn't care about. She loves being taken out on the town - the wife is a drag when I do that. She loves it when I give her a full body massage, the wife refuses it every time. She loves having us cuddle all night as we sleep while the wife hollers if I even accidentally lay an arm across her at night. I could go on, but I'll spare you. Bottom line is - she's also fun to hang out with.

[Mz. Pixie]

Let me tell you something that will surely seem distasteful and foolhardy. I know it already even before telling you ..

 

Life with my spouse is lousy - but I could probably live like this at least until the kids are grown if I really had to. I'd be unhappy, but I can do it. Among the problems is I get very little sex and affection from the wife. That's my #1 problem and it has no resolution. Trust me on this and let's leave that for another thread if we must.

 

The OW is great in bed and she loves (loved) me. I know for a fact that this is preventing me from thinking straight. But I'm in complete extasy when we're together. She's also mostly pleasant to be with - I enjoy her company. But it's really the sex, affection, and companionship that I get from her that I want from here on in. I know there's nothing new here - all MM probably say this about their OW.

 

But she also has issues emotionally that I know will make me miserable in the future. I can see it now just as I did with my wife early on. Like with my wife, I ignored the flags because the sex was so great.

 

I'm thinking with the little head and I know it .. and yet I'm like a crack addict. I just don't want to do without her.

 

I really wish I could turn off my emotions and make the correct decision, which would be: Stay with the wife and pay a call girl for sex every so often. But that just won't do ..

 

Oh my what a statement here! So, what you're saying basically is you could keep your wife around and continue to screw around on her just to keep your life easier??

 

Here's a news flash for ya. You don't really know OW like you think you do.

Your relationship hasn't survived living in the same house, fighting about chores, fighting over money or the kids. So, what you have had is a fantasy. Your penis is talking right now instead of your head and your heart.

 

Once you guys start living together and have the added enjoyment of having the kids around, the ex bitter, less money because you're paying child support or alimony, then reality will set in. It's NOT going to be what you think it is now. Sure, she's pleasant now- but you don't spend that much time with her. Once you start living with her the real her will appear. And she will have flaws just like your wife, because everyone has them.

 

You do need to cut your wife loose so that she can find someone who deserves her. Don't just drag her along because the OW doesn't appear to want you now.

[Ladyjane14]

The best question to ask yourself when considering divorce is.... "Would I rather be alone for the rest of my life than to continue on in marriage to my spouse?" If you can't answer that question with a definitive 'yes', then your decision is hinged on the choices of other people. And you can't control the choices of other people.

 

Quite frankly, your best bet would be to move out on your own and not see anyone romantically until you're happy living in your own skin again. You're a very self-centered person, and I'm not saying that to be mean, but rather to remind you to be aware of it. Your posts are full of your ideas about what other people ought to be doing for YOU. What that tells me is that emotionally... you haven't got a whole lot to offer either of these women. You're too caught up in getting your own ENs (emotional needs) taken care of to be a healthy partner for anyone. You seem to be emotionally dependant on others for your happiness, rather than self-fulfilled.

 

Less than 3% of 'affair marriages' make it on the long term. So, if you are going to try to make it work with the OW.... you're going to have to learn from the ground up what makes a relationship healthy. That means starting with a fully healthy YOU. It also means taking the time to do a complete post mortem on what happened to your marriage.

 

You have to address your own responsibility in it. Easy enough to say it's all your wife's fault because she wasn't sweet enough to you and she didn't 'put out'. But then again, she was dealing with a faithless man, who wasn't above cheating and lying. You can't give someone 50% and expect to get 100% from them. Even if your wife didn't know the particulars... she would have known intuitively that she wasn't getting the love she was due.

 

You've heard the story of the Fox and the Scorpion haven't you?

A scorpion is always going to follow the dictates of it's nature. You've followed the dictates of your nature during your marriage.... so it stands to reason that unless you change these things about yourself, you'll follow the same pattern again.

[Hard2Think]

Oh my what a statement here! So, what you're saying basically is you could keep your wife around and continue to screw around on her just to keep your life easier??

 

Here's a news flash for ya. You don't really know OW like you think you do.

Your relationship hasn't survived living in the same house, fighting about chores, fighting over money or the kids. So, what you have had is a fantasy. Your penis is talking right now instead of your head and your heart.

 

Once you guys start living together and have the added enjoyment of having the kids around, the ex bitter, less money because you're paying child support or alimony, then reality will set in. It's NOT going to be what you think it is now. Sure, she's pleasant now- but you don't spend that much time with her. Once you start living with her the real her will appear. And she will have flaws just like your wife, because everyone has them.

 

You do need to cut your wife loose so that she can find someone who deserves her. Don't just drag her along because the OW doesn't appear to want you now.

 

You're right about all that that .. the flaws I mean. I have my doubts that we'd go the distance because of that. That's why this is difficult. The truth is - I wasn't intending on living with her right away. I was figuring on getting my own place mostly because I don't want my kids meeting her at least not for a few years ..

 

In fact we wouldn't see each other that often anyway. She has a son who stays with his father only three weekends a month. That would be the only time we'd have together really.

[Hard2Think]

..

You have to address your own responsibility in it. Easy enough to say it's all your wife's fault because she wasn't sweet enough to you and she didn't 'put out'. But then again, she was dealing with a faithless man, who wasn't above cheating and lying. You can't give someone 50% and expect to get 100% from them. Even if your wife didn't know the particulars... she would have known intuitively that she wasn't getting the love she was due.

..

 

I thank you for your response. Lot of it is right on ..

 

As to my fault in the marriage - I don't think I gave enough information for anyone to make that assessment you gave. I'm not saying it's true or not true - it's just that the situation is far more involved than you know. It wasn't just because she wasn't sweet and didn't put out. That statement I think is designed to make those things seem trite and my needs as being shallow. I also don't think anyone here knows how much I gave or did not give in this marriage. I think I gave alot more than what I was getting. I didn't ever ask for very much at all that any married guy would want.

 

I was not unfaithful until I threw in that towel I spoke of. Before that, I think there's no way I would have considered an affair. I certainly was not open to one.

[Ladyjane14]

I really wish I could turn off my emotions and make the correct decision, which would be: Stay with the wife and pay a call girl for sex every so often. But that just won't do ..

 

It's never okay to cheat, Hard2Think. There's NEVER an excuse that's good enough. That's where my "assessment" comes from. If the problems in your marriage were insurmountable, then divorce is the appropriate response to that. Not cheating. Nothing good can come of it.

 

You can't feed negative energy into your process and then hope for a positive outcome. Even if you continue to gaslight your wife, and she never finds out the extent of your perfidy, YOU will always know. And you'll have to carry that forward with you. It's like a poison in your own psyche. You can't ever look 'the man in the mirror' in the eye and know him for an honest man.

 

IME, happiness comes from within.

When you're living within the parameters of your own belief system, you can have faith in the outcome of your choices. It's incompatible to embrace marriage and monogamy... and then to turn your back on it. Either the belief itself should be rejected as false to your personal value system, or it must be adhered to. Otherwise, you lose self-respect because you're not living up to your own beliefs.

[JamesM]

Opening your mind up to an affair in the first place opened your mind to an affair the second time....and it will open your mind to an affair a third time...even if you move in with/marry any other woman. Please, please be fair to any woman you meet to let them know that you had two affairs with your first marriage. (Does this OW now know about the last OW?).

 

No, I am not saying that to sound better than you, but if you had said you went to a prostitute a couple of times (not that I condone it), I might understand better, but here you say that you have broken your marriage vows twice. Emotionally and physically. To many women, emotional affairs are worse than simple physical sex with an unknown person that lasts an hour or two. (Of course, this is not intended to minmize going to escorts, etc.) .

 

For the sake of your wife, get a divorce. She deserves to move on. I have to assume she does not know...as far as you know...about the affairs. Personally, I believe that women usually have a sixth sense about these things. And this may be part of why your sex life and affection and appreciation disappeared. When "we" have affairs, our energy is put into the affair both physically and emotionally....being with her, thinking about her, lying about her.

 

Please, I know this sounds harsh at tiimes, but for your sake, move on from your wife, unless you are willing for the first time to truly devote all of your energy to making the marriage to the mother of your children work.

[Hard2Think]

Look folks - I know I'm not a really good guy here. I can see that. There's no way for me to seem like a decent person here. I fell for someone else - period. And my life in this society isn't set up in a way I can accomodate that without breaking alot of things. But yes - I want to be out of this marriage and I wanted that before meeting OW - I just wasn't motivated to put everyone through divorce even if I wasn't happy. Now I don't want to lose OW - but I also don't want to put her through any more hardship. I want things yes. Maybe that makes me selfish - but at my age I'm realizing life is too short to sacrifice my life to meet the expectations of others. I'm willing to give - I'm willing to give all.

 

I'm messed up - and I know it. Sometimes I think I would do best to clear out of everyone's life for a while before the sh*t is hits the fan when everyone finds out what I've been doing and thinking.

[Ladyjane14]

It's not about treating you like a bad guy, Hard2Think. I definitely don't agree with cheating... but that's neither here nor there. Because the question really is, 'how are you going to successfully move forward into the future without first resolving your past?'

 

I'm messed up - and I know it. Sometimes I think I would do best to clear out of everyone's life for a while before the sh*t is hits the fan when everyone finds out what I've been doing and thinking.

 

See.... you want desperately to hide from this mess. And it can't be done. The way around your problems is through them. Otherwise, they drag along behind you, following wherever you go.

[tinktronik]

I'm messed up - and I know it. Sometimes I think I would do best to clear out of everyone's life for a while before the sh*t is hits the fan when everyone finds out what I've been doing and thinking.

Sometimes, as a divorce' it is nice to fantasize about running away starting over , and beginning again .But then you have to remember how much you would lose .That is up to you , wether the cost is worth the actions.Running away is seldom the anwser.

[JamesM]

No, truthfully, I did not think you were messed up. Having been where you are...totally dissatisfied in marriage...I understand. However, you have messed up things. Now unfortunately, only you can fix them. Yes, you must go thru them, not away from them, not even around them, but at the end you will hopefully be better. BUt to get there, facing your past is necessary and being honest about it in your future is the only way to avoid the mistakes of the past.

 

Listen to what Lj and others are saying...I know she gave me valuable advice in the past. None of this is to judge you as not normal etc., but many have had cheating husbands, have cheated, have had no sex for periods of times, and can be helpful to you based on the mistakes that they have made.

 

What would I do in your position? With the information given, I would divorce and chase the other woman....that is an emotional reaction. Sitting back as objectively as I can...I would either reexamine why I married my wife and try to resolve our differences and move on, or divorce her and move out immediately so that I can pursue other women and have sex, love and affection. If I look at it from the children's eyes, I would at least try relooking at my marriage. If my wife has turned into the horrible wife that she has....not interested in my needs...then I would look at the hope that some other woman would be willing to fill my needs.

 

One caution....the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. I am aware that you may realize this, but life has strange ways of leading us back into the situation that we thought we left.

[Hard2Think]

Since she wasn't taking my calls - I sent her an email last night explaining that I loved her and missed her terribly - and that understood she may not want to see me anymore. I told her that I would go through great lengths - and I was - in order for us to be together. I was just a tad emotional but not too much and I wished her the best in the future.

 

I noticed this morning that she tried to call me at about 9 PM last night - she left no message.

 

Frankly - all I can think to tell her is that we should no longer sleep with each other until I'm moved out. I don't want her to think I'm stringing her along and I don't even want to be thinking that I'm giving her that impression ..

 

Blah, this is complicated.

[whichwayisup]

That is a good idea. What you need from her now is a friendship and some support if she's willing to give it. Taking a break from sex is a good thing because you need to be thinking alot more clearly in the upcoming months.

 

Atleast she called you back, even though there was no message.

[Hard2Think]

That is a good idea. What you need from her now is a friendship and some support if she's willing to give it. Taking a break from sex is a good thing because you need to be thinking alot more clearly in the upcoming months.

 

Atleast she called you back, even though there was no message.

 

 

I already took a break from her for 2 months - I don't know if we would survive any more breaks. I just don't want her to feel used in any way.

[Colombiana]

well if you're not going to sleep with her be sure to keep her in the loop as how the divorce is going, your intentions, the strength of your love etc- I think it's a good idea to really court her now emotionally if not physically.

[Last Mohegan]

I don't understand why it wouldn't survive...your break-ups have not been "typical" break-ups. Love doesn't just stop after two months apart and especially under these circumstances.

 

I already took a break from her for 2 months - I don't know if we would survive any more breaks. I just don't want her to feel used in any way.

[Hard2Think]

I miss OW beyond belief right now .. this is hard folks. Very hard.

[GreenEyedLady]

LM: I think that the opposite would be true. Especially, if she feels strung along and left out of the loop.

 

Hard2Think: If you miss her: SHOW HER! One email isn't going to do it!

[Hard2Think]

LM: I think that the opposite would be true. Especially, if she feels strung along and left out of the loop.

 

Hard2Think: If you miss her: SHOW HER! One email isn't going to do it!

 

What do you suggest ..? She cut off contact from me. I ahd already tried to call her a few times before the email. I don't want to come off like a creepy stalker ..

[whichwayisup]

Ok...

 

Hard2think...

 

What do you miss about her? If she were to answer the phone right now, what would you want to say to her?

 

If you feel comfy enough, write it all down here. Or if you don't, then write her a letter. (but don't send it! This is for theraputic reasons only!!) By getting this out, maybe the feelings you're having, missing her and all will disappear abit.

 

You don't want to DO anything out of this kind of emotion. It's too needy and desparate.

 

Hope that made sense!

[Hard2Think]

Ok...

 

Hard2think...

 

What do you miss about her? If she were to answer the phone right now, what would you want to say to her?

 

If you feel comfy enough, write it all down here. Or if you don't, then write her a letter. (but don't send it! This is for theraputic reasons only!!) By getting this out, maybe the feelings you're having, missing her and all will disappear abit.

 

You don't want to DO anything out of this kind of emotion. It's too needy and desparate.

 

Hope that made sense!

 

Needy and desperate - yes that does make sense. I already know this and it's good that you reminded me. Thank you.

 

And by the way - thank you all for this. Given the stigma of affairs I didn't think there was a place I could talk things out with anyone without getting beaten up for being unfaithful to begin with.

 

I feel far more centered an in control than I would be if you all hadn't been here. Thanks again!

[whichwayisup]

When in doubt, do NOTHING. Remember that.

 

You're welcome!

[Hard2Think]

You're absolutely right. Besides - I have little to offer her at the moment except sex - which will make her feel used again. So best I do nothing - if for no other reason than for her sake ..

[whichwayisup]

Yup, exactly.

 

Maybe tell her that one day, but not now. Just to let her know that you're thinking of her and missing her. And, that it's just best not to have any real intimacy as it will just complicate things in general.

 

If she IS inlove with you, she will wait. (Though she probably won't tell you this, you'll find out later in the future.) I'm sure she will be PISSED at you, but again, if the love is there and you're willing - She'll come back.