Suggestions for handling this problem?

[bendit]

Cali has this way of DRAMATIZING and misquoting the advice he gets if it doesn't suit his purposes. Its not the first time he has done this.

 

Nobody has ever used the words "kick to the curb" in reference to Mom, except him. Nobody ever said to him "cut her off", yet that is what he quotes us as saying. Nobody ever used the words "blow her off"; but he quotes them like we did use those words. Nobody ever said "crap on her" except him.

 

Cali was also the first to suggest that he might benefit by calling X in response to email from X's Mom. I guess he may have been looking for agreement, but of course none was forthcoming because it is a terrible idea.

 

I find it interesting how he framed his responses to the simple advice "to DISENGAGE". Cali doesn't like hearing advice like that. I think his over-dramatic responses suggests insight in to the true motivations here. I also think it represents a poor and dishonest approach to communicating with people who are here AT HIS REQUEST for advice and who are only trying to help him.

 

regards

[alphamale]

alpha...curb your enthusiasm for a minute...

are you telling me youve never not followed your own advice. that you didnt want to seem like an assto someone you appreciate? thats all hes doing. chill out.

No, I dont' want to chill out. I'm pissed as all hell .... I despise hypocracy. CG keeps on creating all these "guides" about how to do NC and make yourself #1 and all that crap and he does not even follow his own advices. Look at his signature line and the links to his "guides". WTF is that? If you're not going to do what you say then don't be preaching to other people about it.

[CaliGuy]

Cali has this way of DRAMATIZING and misquoting the advice he gets if it doesn't suit his purposes. Its not the first time he has done this.

 

Nobody has ever used the words "kick to the curb" in reference to Mom, except him. Nobody ever said to him "cut her off", yet that is what he quotes us as saying. Nobody ever used the words "blow her off"; but he quotes them like we did use those words. Nobody ever said "crap on her" except him.

 

Cali was also the first to suggest that he might benefit by calling X in response to email from X's Mom. I guess he may have been looking for agreement, but of course none was forthcoming because it is a terrible idea.

 

I find it interesting how he framed his responses to the simple advice "to DISENGAGE". Cali doesn't like hearing advice like that. I think his over-dramatic responses suggests insight in to the true motivations here. I also think it represents a poor and dishonest approach to communicating with people who are here AT HIS REQUEST for advice and who are only trying to help him.

 

regards

 

You don't know our entire history Bendit. Everything is black and white with you and while I have agreed sometimes it's hard for me to take my own advice I have never once said I was immune to criticism or perfect in any way.

[CaliGuy]

No, I dont' want to chill out. I'm pissed as all hell .... I despise hypocracy. CG keeps on creating all these "guides" about how to do NC and make yourself #1 and all that crap and he does not even follow his own advices. Look at his signature line and the links to his "guides". WTF is that? If you're not going to do what you say then don't be preaching to other people about it.

 

Alpha, I never said it was easy.

I never said I was perfect.

 

I wrote the guides to help myself think things through as much as I intended to help others.

 

The guides I have written are in direct connection to the Ex and for the most part I have been following my own advice.

 

The mom is a different story though due to how much she helped me when my mom died.

 

I can understand why you feel that might make me a hyprocrite but I suppose unless you've spent a day in my shoes you can't completely relate.

 

I've never lost a parent before my mom died. I have no relatives here. I just have my friends and my ex's mom has been good to me. To be rude to her would just make me an ass.

 

There's a solution here and I think In Sync had it.

 

I made this post asking for advice, not criticism. Hopefully you know the difference.

[bendit]

Cali, I try and stick to the facts. And I am not shy about giving advice that you obviously don't like. But guess what? A lot of people read these threads and the advice might work for them.

 

I was quite specific in my last post yet you chose NOT to deal with the specifics and then made a blanket accusatory statement about me. Best defense is a good offense.

 

Notice that in my post, while I did have some observations about you, I never accused you of saying you were "immune to criticism". I never accused you of saying "you were perfect"

 

regards

[alphamale]

I made this post asking for advice, not criticism. Hopefully you know the difference.

hey...look, do whatever the f*** you want. It's no skin of my ass! But please stop preaching to others on LS about no contact and taking care of yourself. I personally don't think you're qualified.

[In Sync]

Hey Guys,

 

 

The difference here is Caliguy did not break up with the Mom. Ok, if Caliguy (And only he can determine this) were distraught because of the contact then yes, NC applies without a doubt. But I don't get the impression, this is the case. This is the mother. Again, Cali can write to her without opening her e-mails. At some point this exchange of e-mails from her may die down. And his controlling his content in e-mails to her, shouldn't send him spiralling downward. Maybe the mom just wants to get some mail like most mom's do. Caliguy can determine if it's going to set him back. Mind you if next month Cali, we find you are not handling this well...then contact with the mom needs to cease.

[magda]

My sisters ex used to stay in touch with our Gramma. Calling on holidays, how are you doing, innocent stuff. She'd call him now and then, too. There was no question in any of our minds that he did it because he wasn't over my sister. My sister knew and would just roll her eyes. After a year or so when he finally started dating again or at least got over it he stopped the courtesy calls to my Gramma.

 

 

Just so you know, you might think you're maintaining NC but your ex can either see through your "but it's her mom" tactic or misinterprets it just like half the people in here are doing.

[2sunny]

Jeez guys,

 

Nobody is perfect and he is here for guidance and advice!

 

No need to jump down his throat, just give your opinion and be done with it.

 

Everyone is entitled to make decisions based on info given and experience from past situations.

[Pyro]

Jeez guys,

 

Nobody is perfect and he is here for guidance and advice!

 

No need to jump down his throat, just give your opinion and be done with it.

 

Everyone is entitled to make decisions based on info given and experience from past situations.

 

Thank you. A voice of reason. If you don't have anything nice to say, then ignore the thread. is that so hard?

[shelters]

Yeesh... sure are a lot of buttons being pressed in this thread. Why the huge personal investment on whether CG (or anyone for that matter) follows your advice? Why not just offer it... once... twice maybe... and move on.

[pippen_2k]

I cant see how ignoring someone who brings you pain is being rude.

 

I know its delt from a third party, and the mother has no bad intentions, but she is the bearer of evil.

 

She is the link that keeps you and the ex on the same page.

[CaliGuy]

Cali, I try and stick to the facts. And I am not shy about giving advice that you obviously don't like. But guess what? A lot of people read these threads and the advice might work for them.

 

I was quite specific in my last post yet you chose NOT to deal with the specifics and then made a blanket accusatory statement about me. Best defense is a good offense.

 

Notice that in my post, while I did have some observations about you, I never accused you of saying you were "immune to criticism". I never accused you of saying "you were perfect"

 

regards

 

What are the specifics here? You're trying to deal in black and white when there are shades of gray in this issue.

 

Her mom made a boo boo and apologized for it. She promised it wouldn't happen again.

 

If it does then I know what I have to do based on the advice I've received here.

[CaliGuy]

hey...look, do whatever the f*** you want. It's no skin of my ass! But please stop preaching to others on LS about no contact and taking care of yourself. I personally don't think you're qualified.

 

I don't think someone with an attitude like yours is qualified to be giving advice either.

[CaliGuy]

The difference here is Caliguy did not break up with the Mom.

 

Exactly. Her mom has treated me very well and has been extremely supportive of me before and after my mom's passing. I'm not going to treat her like second rate garbage because she made one mistake.

 

Ok, if Caliguy (And only he can determine this) were distraught because of the contact then yes, NC applies without a doubt.

 

No, I was just irked a bit that she let it slide. She's very good about not talking about the ex so that is why I gave her the benefit of the doubt. If it happens again then I will have to stop talking to her. I'll have no choice.

 

But I don't get the impression, this is the case. This is the mother. Again, Cali can write to her without opening her e-mails. At some point this exchange of e-mails from her may die down. And his controlling his content in e-mails to her, shouldn't send him spiralling downward. Maybe the mom just wants to get some mail like most mom's do. Caliguy can determine if it's going to set him back. Mind you if next month Cali, we find you are not handling this well...then contact with the mom needs to cease.

 

That's the funny thing is it seems everyone thinks I am set back. I had a bad week this past week. I don't know why I was feeling down but I was. I'm feeling a lot better today and I'm sure it was just one of those things where you have your good days and bad. That's why I mentioned I wasn't perfect.

 

Just because I give advice that I know is sound and on rare occasions have a bad day and can't always implement my own doesn't mean that I am somehow worthless or without credit.

 

It just means I am human.

[CaliGuy]

My sisters ex used to stay in touch with our Gramma. Calling on holidays, how are you doing, innocent stuff. She'd call him now and then, too. There was no question in any of our minds that he did it because he wasn't over my sister. My sister knew and would just roll her eyes. After a year or so when he finally started dating again or at least got over it he stopped the courtesy calls to my Gramma.

 

 

Just so you know, you might think you're maintaining NC but your ex can either see through your "but it's her mom" tactic or misinterprets it just like half the people in here are doing.

 

Somewhere in this thread the point was lost that I hadn't been talking to her mom much lately (by design). It's not me that initates those occasional emails. She sends me things via email most moms would (funny stories, inspirational quotes, important news) every few weeks or so.

 

Because she cares.

 

Now if I was emailing her often (and including the ex, which I have never done) then I could understand that train of thought but that just isn't the case.

[CaliGuy]

Yeesh... sure are a lot of buttons being pressed in this thread. Why the huge personal investment on whether CG (or anyone for that matter) follows your advice? Why not just offer it... once... twice maybe... and move on.

 

It's no sweat off my back. I'm not losing my temper or getting angry.

 

Just wanted to add to Bendit and AlphaMale's post that the advice I give it's necessarily my own but advice I have found via reading and Counseling in addition to speaking to others.

 

So I suppose if my advice is bad I am getting it from bad sources as well.

[AmItheOne]

Caliguy...I totally understand where you are coming from. I get very attached to the whole family not just the guy and I definitely would not want to hurt them no matter what.

 

I am just the type of person who holds personal relationships close to my heart...I still occasionally speak to ex's (after letting a certain amount of time pass to heal) because I can't imagine never knowing how someone who used to be such a big part of your life is doing...maybe I'm hurting myself maybe not, but I never feel bad about it.

 

Your ex's mother may be doing it intentionally and she may not...regardless, she was a rock for you when you needed her and you should bow out respectfully if that's what you need to do to heal. Good luck to you babe...and for the record, I don't think its hypocritical to not always know how to follow your own advice.

 

Cheers!

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy...I totally understand where you are coming from. I get very attached to the whole family not just the guy and I definitely would not want to hurt them no matter what.

 

I am just the type of person who holds personal relationships close to my heart...I still occasionally speak to ex's (after letting a certain amount of time pass to heal) because I can't imagine never knowing how someone who used to be such a big part of your life is doing...maybe I'm hurting myself maybe not, but I never feel bad about it.

 

Your ex's mother may be doing it intentionally and she may not...regardless, she was a rock for you when you needed her and you should bow out respectfully if that's what you need to do to heal. Good luck to you babe...and for the record, I don't think its hypocritical to not always know how to follow your own advice.

 

Cheers!

 

Thanks. She was absolutely a rock for me and like I said, if it happens again I will know what to do. It's just very hard to toss aside all she has done for me over one mistake.

[RecordProducer]

If you're not going to do what you say then don't be preaching to other people about it.

Welcome to Loveshack, Alpha!

 

You should know the rules by now: "Preach like a saint, live like a sinner!" Cheers!

 

Why do you think many people (dis)like you here?

[Lishy]

I think Cali gives great advice!

 

But it seems that when he asks for some advice himself he gets jumped on and told to take his own advice ... That is easier said than done! That is so not fair and I hope it does not result in him feeling he is not able to come here for some advice and help when he needs it!

 

Carry on the good work Cali! and good luck with your situation I hope the ex mother in law gives you the space you need hon!

[alphamale]

But it seems that when he asks for some advice himself he gets jumped on and told to take his own advice ...

Sorry LISHY but it is totally inappropriate to keep in contact with your ex's mother. In addition this totally negates any NC that CG may THINK he had with his ex. I just think it ironic that the self-proclaimed "King of NC" does not even know what NC is.

[Lishy]

Sorry LISHY but it is totally inappropriate to keep in contact with your ex's mother. In addition this totally negates any NC that CG may THINK he had with his ex. I just think it ironic that the self-proclaimed "King of NC" does not even know what NC is.

 

Yes I agree Alpha .... But I still stand by the fact that if he wants advice and he screws up then he should be able to come here for constructive advice without being told to practise what he preaces! We ALL screw up and we ALL need help at times!

 

Cali has the right ideas and I believe that his ideas help him (and others) but he is also allowed to screw up - This woman helped him and looked after him when there was no one else to do that! He must feel as if he owes her the contact - Anyone with decency would feel like that!

 

To heal he must cut all contact with all of her family until he is 100% over his ex! But that is what he came here for and asked our advice for.

 

Cali if your ex MIL does love you she will understand honey!

 

Good luck!

[Art_Critic]

You're trying to deal in black and white when there are shades of gray in this issue.

 

there are only shades of grey because you choose to see shades of grey..

 

If you would apply a more black and white approach you would feel better

 

 

Looking at something in grey/black and white is totally controlable and in our own power to change the way we look at a situation

[Chinook]

Looking at something in grey/black and white is totally controllable and in our own power to change the way we look at a situation

 

I agree completely and am probably more blessed than most with a 'it's this, or this' attitude to most things. But, whilst seemingly easy in the saying, often for most folks, it isn't easy in application. Despite the thing where it would be better for them. No contact is exactly like that. Knowing that no contact is better for you and over time, less painful... is not the same as being able to implement, apply, and live with it.

 

Alot of it comes down to simple recognition of reality. Some people are better at it than others. For example, for me... my situ was this... 'he's either coming back, or he isn't'. The reality is, he's with another girl = he isn't coming back. Hence complete and absolute no contact. Despite how it hurts him and initially hurts me. The facts are, he knows I love him. He doesn't need reminding. I know, on some level he loves (loved) me. However, he moved on and is with someone else. The recognising of that reality - the change... is the crux of dealing with the situ. All else is decoration.

 

(oh, and this was about me - wasn't an attack on anyone)