CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 The ex's mom sent me an email that went to the ex and I and of course it including information I really didn't need to know. I really love her mom. She's very kind, but I don't need to know this information and I don't really want to hear it. What is a classy way of telling her to please not send me this info? Do I tell her straight up or do I tell the ex to tell her? Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 The lady mailed you directly. I would mail her back and explain that given the circumstances, it really isn't appropriate for her to be sharing information with you regarding your ex or her family. I'm going to assume it is related to something that she thought you would like to know irrespective of the fact you're not with her daughter any longer. Involving your ex and talking to her about it, is just opening the NC door. Just be polite and nice about it.. try not to be too harsh and explain this, that you're not being difficult but you would rather there was no contact. HTH Link to post Share on other sites
sick of it Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 i agree. her mother obviously likes you. you should email her directly (no cc to the ex) and merely say that youd rather not hear about her anymore. theres definitley a way to do it nicely, however, this seems like it could be the end of the relationship with the mother. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Tell her mother. Be nice but be firm. (She must still want you in the family and is doing her deeds to keep yours and hers names on each others minds. ) Link to post Share on other sites
sick of it Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 out of curiosity, are her and her mother close? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 I know no matter how I say it, she will be offended. And the ex obviously saw that I saw what she posted in message. I'm sure the both of us are uncomfortable with her mom emailing this information. It was actually in the body a reply she sent to her son. Basically it just confirms the ex and her new guy are out having fun. I don't want nor need to know this information. Link to post Share on other sites
shelters Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Hmm, I'm probably not the one to be giving advice since Boundaries is a new world for me, but I'd say I agree with the previous posts -- direct to the Mom, no cc-ing ex, be prepared/ok with having to not only let go of your ex but her family as well. Oh, and the sandwhich approach! (Open with niceness - get to the point/negative part/assertive part/however you want to term it - Close with niceness). Let us know what you do though so we can all (me) learn the lesson too. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 Tell her mother. Be nice but be firm. (She must still want you in the family and is doing her deeds to keep yours and hers names on each others minds. ) Her mom loves me and said that she is sad I won't be her son-in-law. The ex hasn't forgotten about me, but I am sure she's trying to. So keeping me in her mind isn't going to help either one of us. And she's not nearly as close to her mom as she is her dad. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Okay, agree with all the other posts. This is a difficult one... but it seems that Mom has some issues to work around with losing you. She has to do that alone. Firstly, if my Mom were emailing my ex, irrespective of whether we have contact or not, I'd have a fit. Furthermore, if she were emailing that I was out having fun with New Guy... I'd be even more pissed. So, um maybe you could use this to point it out to her. Also, a consideration - parents tend not to be that great with email n'ettiquette and text often comes across as harsh. Maybe you might want to call the Mom up instead and tell her nicely..? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 I could call her but won't be able to until after work. Calling is an option. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 I think I'd go with that and just be gentle with her. Harsh black and white text is not going to go nicely either way. But more long term... she's going to have to face that you're not going to be her son-in-law. My Mom is having the same problems - despite me telling her my ex is already with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Sand&Water Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 The ex's mom sent me an email that went to the ex and I and of course it including information I really didn't need to know. I really love her mom. She's very kind, but I don't need to know this information and I don't really want to hear it. What is a classy way of telling her to please not send me this info? Do I tell her straight up or do I tell the ex to tell her? I understand that you're, perhaps, trying to confirm your own instincts. However, you know exactly what to do CaliGuy. There is no easy way to confront her mother on this issue, but it's the effort you put into replying. That shows consideration. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 I would reply to the ex's mom only, with: You may have good intentions, but it seems inappropriate for me to be included in any correspondence with you. It puts everyone in an uncomfortable situation...... That way she needs not respond but she will get a clear, concise message. PS. She does this on purpose.... I personally think it is quite meanspirited. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 You can tell her without offending her. Just tell her that you appreciate her newsy emails but it makes it harder for you to move on. I'd tell her that you enjoy hearing from her but that you hope she understands that under the circumstances, hearing about your ex is not what you need now to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 I would reply to the ex's mom only, with: You may have good intentions, but it seems inappropriate for me to be included in any correspondence with you. It puts everyone in an uncomfortable situation...... That way she needs not respond but she will get a clear, concise message. PS. She does this on purpose.... I personally think it is quite meanspirited. She didn't do it to hurt me purposely, I know that for sure. If she did, it would only be to keep me on the mind of my ex which would make no sense since the ex and her new guy are doing well. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 If she did, it would only be to keep me on the mind of my ex which would make no sense since the ex and her new guy are doing well. This is why I think it seems meanspirited. Kind of like an "accidental" slap in the face???? Give me a break! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 This is why I think it seems meanspirited. Kind of like an "accidental" slap in the face???? Give me a break! That's not like her at all. She's the most kind hearted person I know. I think she would have done it just to prod the ex and remind her about me if she had any intention at all. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Sounds passive aggressive to me... I still stick with the response I originally posted. She'll politely get the message. PS. If your ex ever wanted to contact you, she would know how. The ex's mother is indeed a manipulative person in some way. The meanspirited side is directed more so to her daughter as much as it is to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 Sounds passive aggressive to me... I still stick with the response I originally posted. She'll politely get the message. PS. If your ex ever wanted to contact you, she would know how. The ex's mother is indeed a manipulative person in some way. The meanspirited side is directed more so to her daughter as much as it is to you. Here's what I was going to say: "Thanks for the update. I'm sure you probably didn't mean to CC me in the message regarding ***** and **** though, right? In the future I would appreciate it if you do not forward me any emails regarding them." Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 If you had dealt with this back in January when she was emailing then you wouldn't be dealing with it now. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t80752/ I think there is a part of you that loves this and uses this to keep up with the ex.. My suggestion to you is to read your own guide and stick with it Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 If you had dealt with this back in January when she was emailing then you wouldn't be dealing with it now. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t80752/ I think there is a part of you that loves this and uses this to keep up with the ex.. My suggestion to you is to read your own guide and stick with it Art, if I loved this I wouldn't be posting about it. I'd have kept silent about it. The fact is, I don't want to know what they are up to. But her mom has been nothing but kind and loving to me, especially when my mom died. I can not be mean or angry to her. She's been there for me when no one else was. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Mom's are pretty hard to pacify. Regarding the poster above saying she's being mean-spirited... it appears that way but I doubt it is intentioned. It is certainly manipulative though. CG I think this has pushed you to the point where, as nice as she is, nice Mom lady needs a reality check. Her daughter is with someone else now and it isn't appropriate for her to be informing you of their activities. Is she going to be wanting you to attend the wedding next..? Whichever you decided to do, email or phone, there is no need to be harsh. But it will need to be final... I think Art is right about that. Otherwise m'dear you are never going to move on. Also, FWIW... My ex's Mom was like a second Mother to me. She participated in my recovery from cancer and the treatment MORE THAN HE DID. But, I haven't spoken a word to her since the day he left. I've found it incredibly hard. But it is just not the done thing. You don't deal with this now in a polite, final way... it's just going to go on and on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 Mom's are pretty hard to pacify. Regarding the poster above saying she's being mean-spirited... it appears that way but I doubt it is intentioned. It is certainly manipulative though. CG I think this has pushed you to the point where, as nice as she is, nice Mom lady needs a reality check. Her daughter is with someone else now and it isn't appropriate for her to be informing you of their activities. Is she going to be wanting you to attend the wedding next..? Whichever you decided to do, email or phone, there is no need to be harsh. But it will need to be final... I think Art is right about that. Otherwise m'dear you are never going to move on. Also, FWIW... My ex's Mom was like a second Mother to me. She participated in my recovery from cancer and the treatment MORE THAN HE DID. But, I haven't spoken a word to her since the day he left. I've found it incredibly hard. But it is just not the done thing. You don't deal with this now in a polite, final way... it's just going to go on and on. I agree. I guess I do need to tell her to stop. It's just hard for me given that she helped me through when my mom died and was there for me when nobody else was, not even the ex. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 I would reply to the ex's mom only, with: You may have good intentions, but it seems inappropriate for me to be included in any correspondence with you. It puts everyone in an uncomfortable situation...... That way she needs not respond but she will get a clear, concise message. CG- The post above is much more direct. WHY would you intend to THANK her? That encourages more of the same for the future... It responds with a firm but nice enough tone. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 is pretty hard. There is no way that you can replace what she did for you. But the fact still remains that the family dynamics have changed now and you are no longer a part of that family unit. I know it's harsh. But it doesn't alter the facts. She's holding onto you too and she has to let go, not just for her daughter - but for you too. It's really up to you to point that out to her. If I were the New Person too... I'd be a little upset that the partner's ex still holds such a place of esteem within that family unit. All round it's just asking for trouble, now and in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
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