Author CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 is pretty hard. There is no way that you can replace what she did for you. But the fact still remains that the family dynamics have changed now and you are no longer a part of that family unit. I know it's harsh. But it doesn't alter the facts. She's holding onto you too and she has to let go, not just for her daughter - but for you too. It's really up to you to point that out to her. If I were the New Person too... I'd be a little upset that the partner's ex still holds such a place of esteem within that family unit. All round it's just asking for trouble, now and in the future. Yep. I guess it's it's time to cut all ties for good. I guess a piece of me felt obligated to stay in touch with her mom given all she has done for me. And to be honest, she has filled the role of "mom" for me since my mom died, though I have been specific in the past about not wanting to hear about the ex. Now she is cc'ing me on family messages that include information about the ex, what she did over the weekend and who she was with (her b/f). I just don't want to know that stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Yep. I guess it's it's time to cut all ties for good. I guess a piece of me felt obligated to stay in touch with her mom given all she has done for me. It is time - if you intend to continue to move and grow in a forward direction. You feel obligated because generally you are a nice man. In this case it's only holding you back though. Not worth it in the long run... Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 Also, FWIW... My ex's Mom was like a second Mother to me. She participated in my recovery from cancer and the treatment MORE THAN HE DID. But, I haven't spoken a word to her since the day he left. I've found it incredibly hard. But it is just not the done thing. You don't deal with this now in a polite, final way... it's just going to go on and on. PS: If I don't tell her to stop sending the messages, she will continue to do so. I need to make it clear that I need to break this relationship off for good. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 well, if you don't cut ties... it's just going to get tougher and tougher. Until one day she will have to make a choice between you and her daughter. The daughter is always going to win, irrespective of what she did for you in the past. You see, the problem with parents like this... she sees no difference between you and her own sons. That's pretty hard to deal with... but the fact still remains that there actually IS a difference between you and her own sons. You need to simply explain that whilst you're grateful for all the support and love she has shown you, it is actually now time for you guys to go your separate ways. I know it's hard. It was hard on me too. J's Mom was the only person I saw on some days when I was getting treated Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 well, if you don't cut ties... it's just going to get tougher and tougher. Until one day she will have to make a choice between you and her daughter. The daughter is always going to win, irrespective of what she did for you in the past. You see, the problem with parents like this... she sees no difference between you and her own sons. That's pretty hard to deal with... but the fact still remains that there actually IS a difference between you and her own sons. You need to simply explain that whilst you're grateful for all the support and love she has shown you, it is actually now time for you guys to go your separate ways. I know it's hard. It was hard on me too. J's Mom was the only person I saw on some days when I was getting treated Sucks, doesn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 What is a classy way of telling her to please not send me this info? Do I tell her straight up or do I tell the ex to tell her? contact her mother by email and thell her you're no longer dating her daughter and you've moved on. If she still does not get the message from this emial then next time she does it send her the nasty-gram. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Sure does. I don't think getting hurtful is going to help anyone. You can be nice to her Mom. Afterall, she hasn't hurt you. Take it easy Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 contact her mother by email and thell her you're no longer dating her daughter and you've moved on. If she still does not get the message from this emial then next time she does it send her the nasty-gram. I've figured out what I am going to send her to her. I almost feel obligated to tell the Ex that I've told her mom to stop contacting me.... That would be a total smack in the ex's face to reject her family or it would give her a sigh of relief. Probably the latter. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 I almost feel obligated to tell the Ex that I've told her mom to stop contacting me..... no, no...at all costs you must avoid breaking NC with the ex. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 no, no...at all costs you must avoid breaking NC with the ex. I totally agree. Her mom will tell her that you sent an e-mail. Mom's tend to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 I don't think her mom would tell her what I am going to tell her. I agree about not breaking NC though. I guess my intent is to tell her and her family that I don't need them updating me on their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 ... the Mom gets the response. No requirement to email or tell the ex. If the brother emails you, you respond to him in the same way etceterrraaa etceterrraaa etceterrraaaa (said in a fake Yul Brynner voice) 'kay? Link to post Share on other sites
Vertex Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 What about simply not replying? Maintaining NC? If you get more information you don't need to hear, then you can get a bit more aggressive with things. I don't know why this "seems to always happen" even though it is an accident (my experience, may not apply here). People always seem to want to let me know just how much fun my ex is having with other people, etc. It's really inconsiderate. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 I totally agree. Her mom will tell her that you sent an e-mail. Mom's tend to do that. yes, see, if the mom forwards your email to your ex then NC has still been maintained. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 What about simply not replying? Maintaining NC? If you get more information you don't need to hear, then you can get a bit more aggressive with things. I don't know why this "seems to always happen" even though it is an accident (my experience, may not apply here). People always seem to want to let me know just how much fun my ex is having with other people, etc. It's really inconsiderate. Because if I maintain silence, she'll assume it's OK to send me her family news when the fact is, I don't want or need it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 yes, see, if the mom forwards your email to your ex then NC has still been maintained. She may do that and I agree, since I haven't initiated contact then NC is technically not broken Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 You could block the moms email addy and the ex's email.. I think it says to do that in the NC guide. that way NC is maintained.. I feel that your emotional weell being is more important than an email to her Mom Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 You could block the moms email addy and the ex's email.. I think it says to do that in the NC guide. that way NC is maintained.. I feel that your emotional weell being is more important than an email to her Mom I think it's better to just be up front and tell her. Whether she tells the ex or not is not as important as setting up the boundary for myself. I need to do that for my own well-being. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 She may do that oh, trust me, she will. thats how women are. Link to post Share on other sites
2020vision Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Disclaimer:I have not read this thread in its entirety, because of the length so sorry if my response is repetitive DON'T RESPOND TO ANYTHING!!!!! Take it from a girl's point of view, both of them are trying or at least expecting a reaction out of you. It sounds like this email was seriously not a mistake. That is near impossible to do...Sounds like some sort of way to get a rise out of you. No need to state the obvious that you don't need to see those kind of emails.... Do not give either them the time of day. You are dealing with some strange people here. There is no excuse at this point to respond. Link to post Share on other sites
Vertex Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 I mean even someone with limited computer competence won't go CCing random people (or even by "accident"), especially just one person (and in this case the mother would know that sending such an email to that SPECIFIC person would get some form of a rise... it all seems way too contrived to me. I mean, I've seen this happen numerous times. People blame their AIM failing at opportune moments, misdirected Emails, etc). I think not responding would still be appropriate -- if you get another Email then you know for certain that it was intentional. If you do choose to reply, just kindly tell the mother that you'd appreciate not being told of their private affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 I know no matter how I say it, she will be offended. You know I am pro-kindness in any circumstances, but in this case where she is sending you emails that are breaking your heart and she really doesn't have to... who cares? Either tell her flat out that she hurt you or, if you don't want the ex to know that she still has "power" over you, simply delete every email that you see your ex' mom's name on, without reading or replying to it. Who the hell is she to ruin your day and pour salt on your wounds? Don't think that people are so dumb to NOT know when they are hurting us. Basically it just confirms the ex and her new guy are out having fun. I don't want nor need to know this information. Do you think she thought you'd be thrilled to know about this or it just slipped out? Her mom loves me and said that she is sad I won't be her son-in-law. If that were true, she wouldn't be informing you how much fun her daughter and her new lover have. I think this is the best advice: contact her mother by email and tell her you're no longer dating her daughter and you've moved on. If she still does not get the message from this email then next time she does it send her the nasty-gram. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted April 18, 2006 Author Share Posted April 18, 2006 I've written a reply and am hovering over the 'send' button. I know when I send it, it could go to the ex but more than that, it's the end to final connection I had to her. I've removed everything from my life that reminded me of her. This is the last piece of the puzzle. So why am I hestating? I want to let go of everything. I need to. Why is my finger not clicking the damn button???? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Freedom ...... Click Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Why is my finger not clicking the damn button???? Because you're as human as the rest of us, dude. Link to post Share on other sites
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