Suggestions for handling this problem?

[CaliGuy]

Well...you did not listen me!! No email at all should have been sent. And to think that I was going to meet up with you for a glass of wine tonight...Well not anymore buddy!!

 

Woulda coulda shoulda... whatever floats your boat. I guess if it did not hurt you in any way then right on for you.

 

I just keep reminding myself of boundaries. Up until recently I had been backing away from her mom slowly. Hadn't talked to her much over the past two months except for some brief email exchanges for some advice she needed. So I guess in a sense I had been weaning her out of my life.

 

The email today came straight out of the blue.

 

And by the way, WOW you are up to 99 replies in a matter of hours you are quite the popular one!!

 

As I've said many times before, I can give out advice when it doesn't concern me. When my personal feelings are involved my judgement becomes clouded. I don't always do the most logical thing and I don't hold it against others when they do not take my advice.

 

That's what peturbs me about this thread. I've never held myself above anyone else in regards to taking or giving advice.

 

If I was perfect, I certainly wouldn't need to be here

[Yamaha]

I think you are using her mom to stay in contact with your ex. Why else would she let you know what the ex is doing unless the mom thinks you want to know? She might be kind to you but she is doing you no service now. You need to stop this and quit making excuses for her and your actions. You know why your having such a hard time with this problem? You want it or you would stop the emails. If it really was causing you pain you would tell the mom to stop sending them. period. Do yourself a favor and end all contact with the ex, including her mom. When you drop an ex you also pretty much drop any mutual friends you both had and this situation is the same.

 

It is up to you so don't tell her and still fret over your ex or be proactive and end it.

[CaliGuy]

I think you are using her mom to stay in contact with your ex. Why else would she let you know what the ex is doing unless the mom thinks you want to know?

 

A couple things. We have not discussed my ex since December when I booted her from the house. That was the last discussion even mentioning her name. Also, I truly believe this was an accidental slip. I know her mom well enough to know she would never do that on purpose.

 

She might be kind to you but she is doing you no service now.

 

So just kick her to the curb after her usefulness runs out? Man, I hope you guys don't do that to your friends if you can't get something you want out of them.

 

You need to stop this and quit making excuses for her and your actions.

 

I'm not excusing them I just believe it was an honest mistake. I already let her know I wasn't happy to see that message.

 

You know why your having such a hard time with this problem? You want it or you would stop the emails.

 

Again, I've hardly talked to her mom over the past couple of months except when she asked me some professional advice.

 

If it really was causing you pain you would tell the mom to stop sending them. period.

 

Up until now there wasn't anything to get message to get angry, hurt or to hang on to since December.

 

Do yourself a favor and end all contact with the ex

 

I have. She initiated the last emails early last month. The last email I initiated was back in early Feb regarding mail at my house.

 

including her mom.

 

Again, it's not like we're sending regular emails to each other. The contact has been brief and we usually go weeks without talking. And even if we do it's short, brief and to the point.

 

When you drop an ex you also pretty much drop any mutual friends you both had and this situation is the same.

 

We don't share any friends. She didn't have any Any friends she has now are new that I don't know.

 

It is up to you so don't tell her and still fret over your ex or be proactive and end it.

 

Ok.

[zarathustra]

CG, I agree with you that you shouldn't be mean to those who treated you well. I think that your ex's mom sounds like a really nice lady. I think that she must like you very much to include you in their family holiday dinners when you didn't have anywher to go. For that, I truly understand why you had a hard time in sending out the email. I am also certain that she will take it in the right spirit.

 

Many people doubt that you are over your xgf and you said that you forgave her. I don't know if forgiving someone = letting go of them. I think that giving up hope of their return regardless if they are with someone or not is the path to letting go. Do you think that you are holding on to any shred of hope that she will come back? Just wondering and I hope that I have not offended you in my questions.

 

Also, I want to thank you for your support when I needed it a couple of months back. I think that the response you got from people on the post says a lot about how they feel about your contributions.

 

Take care!

[CaliGuy]

CG, I agree with you that you shouldn't be mean to those who treated you well. I think that your ex's mom sounds like a really nice lady. I think that she must like you very much to include you in their family holiday dinners when you didn't have anywher to go. For that, I truly understand why you had a hard time in sending out the email. I am also certain that she will take it in the right spirit.

 

I agree she will. I was firm about the boundary but I wasn't a d*ck about it.

 

Many people doubt that you are over your xgf and you said that you forgave her. I don't know if forgiving someone = letting go of them. I think that giving up hope of their return regardless if they are with someone or not is the path to letting go. Do you think that you are holding on to any shred of hope that she will come back?

 

I have forgiven her. I think that's the main thing you can do to let go. Forgive them so you're not holding them accountable for something you want from them.

 

Do I hope she comes back? That hope was gone when I booted her from the house. Even if she were to come back if she had not changed what good would it do? She won't change. She is what she is and there's nothing I could do to change that. So yes, I have accepted and have been trying to move on.

 

Just wondering and I hope that I have not offended you in my questions.

 

Not at all, thanks

 

Also, I want to thank you for your support when I needed it a couple of months back. I think that the response you got from people on the post says a lot about how they feel about your contributions.

 

They know that I am not the best at taking my own advice and I freely admit that. They're harsh and I admit to not taking harsh criticism well (who does?) but hey, that's life.

[RecordProducer]

Bendit, sometimes you just need to chill.

 

Do you know why it's hard for me to let go of her mom? When I had nowhere to go for Christmas/Thanksgiving, they invited me in. Treated me like family. When the ex bailed on me the first time, her mom was there helping me through.

 

No, it wasn't the ideal situation but I'm not going to villify her for trying to do what she thought was right. She did a LOT to help me. This woman sends encouraging words to me, she volunteers at a preganancy center, she really truly cares about people.

 

I'm not going to sh*t on her and I wasn't holding on to her because of the ex. I was holding on to her because she's been like a mom to me over the past couple years. It's frikken hard to just push her aside like a piece of trash after all she has done for me.

 

Maybe it's easy for you to piss on people who have been very good to you. I can't.

 

And if that makes me a "wuss" today then so be it. I'm deeply loyal to people that love me.

Awww, you're so sweet!

[Never]

I don't know if this has been posted before, but if all else fails..

 

get a new email address

[SoleMate]

It seems awful to end the relationship with your ex's mom, when she has been so important to you. I would strongly urge that you find a way to stay in touch with her while still maintaining NC with your ex. You are close enought to your ex's mom to ask her, from the heart, to not send you any info regarding your ex and have her understand and cooperate.

[zarathustra]

They know that I am not the best at taking my own advice and I freely admit that. They're harsh and I admit to not taking harsh criticism well (who does?) but hey, that's life.

 

LOL. Hell, do I know what you mean! I think a the saying "easier said than done" must have come from someone who doesn't take his/her own advice well. You are a big man to admit not taking your own advice.

 

I have forgiven her. I think that's the main thing you can do to let go. Forgive them so you're not holding them accountable for something you want from them.

 

I don't hold my ex accountable for something I want from him, but I do think that how he treated me was really sick. That's what I cannot forgive. I have given up hope where we are concerned and am moving on. You are a much bigger person for being able to forgive your ex than I am.

 

I hope that you and your ex's mom can continue a healthy friendship. It sounds like she's someone you really appreciate... its hard to come by friends like that. Good luck!

[chocolate_boy]

well, if you don't cut ties... it's just going to get tougher and tougher. Until one day she will have to make a choice between you and her daughter. The daughter is always going to win, irrespective of what she did for you in the past. You see, the problem with parents like this... she sees no difference between you and her own sons. That's pretty hard to deal with... but the fact still remains that there actually IS a difference between you and her own sons. You need to simply explain that whilst you're grateful for all the support and love she has shown you, it is actually now time for you guys to go your separate ways.

 

I know it's hard. It was hard on me too. J's Mom was the only person I saw on some days when I was getting treated

 

Jeez, I hate it when you have to break up with the mother too!

[chocolate_boy]

The mom is doing something very clever and conniving. She is finding out that Cali still has an attachment to X. She is doing X's bidding. How will she know that Cali still has deep feelings for X? Because Cali is going to tell her. And of course Mom will then tell X. Mission Accomplished? And the dance continues....

 

regards

 

I dunno, sometimes its easy to see the worst in people, but not everyone is like that.

[bendit]

Hmmm having an opinion about someones motivations is seeing the "worst" in people? I choose to see things as they are. When I wrote that, I went through in my mind the steps (mental and physical) one has to take to CC another person. First you have to think of a name, then you have to either type it in or select it. Its not something you accidentally do. Its also the second time this "accident" has happened. When it first happened, I said the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. My understanding is that Cali talked to Mom once about not sending him stuff about X and talking about her.

 

Having said that, if it were me and I wanted to maintain a relationship with Mom, I would Ignore the comment. After all, getting a comment like this goes with the territory of breaking NC with Mom. If you play around the stove you will get singed at times.

 

Ignoring the comment preserves your mystery, doesn't show your cards, doesn't give them any new info about the state of your feelings about X, and gives her the benefit of the doubt that, hey it really was an accident, as well as maintains the relationship with Mom at status quo.

 

If it was a mistake, why tell her that you don't want her to have any more of them? If it was not a mistake, you would find out soon enough when another CCd message about dear daughter comes streaming into your in box. At that point you know what the true motivations were and you can take further action to change that.

 

regards

[shelters]

I went through in my mind the steps (mental and physical) one has to take to CC another person. First you have to think of a name, then you have to either type it in or select it. Its not something you accidentally do.

 

Just to go off on this tangent for a sec, this is not true. I have my email program set up such that I have two CC groups of people (family & friends) Unless I go in to the group itself and add/remove a name, each time I click the particular CC group everyone's name in that group is inserted into the email 'send to' section automatically. This eliminates the time it would take to normally select each and every one of them whenever I send out a 'family' or 'friends' email.

[bendit]

We aren't dealing in absolutes here. We are dealing in probabilities. After looking at all the data, you may believe that it is more probable it was a mistake, and that she accidentally CCd are man Cali with this information. I look at the same data and come to a different conclusion. My interpretation is she PROBABLY did it on purpose. This of course leaves open the possibility she didn't.

 

regards

[shelters]

We aren't dealing in absolutes here. We are dealing in probabilities. After looking at all the data, you may believe that it is more probable it was a mistake, and that she accidentally CCd are man Cali with this information. I look at the same data and come to a different conclusion. My interpretation is she PROBABLY did it on purpose. This of course leaves open the possibility she didn't.

 

regards

 

Actually, I wasn't making a judgement call either way.

 

My (mis)interpretation of your previous post was that you were speaking in absolutes:

 

"I went through in my mind the steps (mental and physical) one has to take to CC another person. First you have to think of a name, then you have to either type it in or select it. Its not something you accidentally do."

 

...and my post was pointing out how my email program is set up in such a way that you don't have to put much thought into who is receiving the email.

[bendit]

Surely you understand that none of us know what really happened? Surely you don't believe that I really know what happened? I certainly don't. But I do have an opinion about what happend as I stated in my first sentence of that post.

 

If you understand this then you know I wasn't dealing in absolutes, only my opinion based on my interpretation of the facts. And my opinion is that I doubt she has her email set up that way. But I could be wrong about this.

 

regards

[In Sync]

Sometimes I'm confused by your postings CaliGuy, on the one hand you ask for suggestions on how to handle a problem...and then when the hardcore ones come..you counter back with excuse after excuse..and then a battle of misinterpretations begins.

 

Ok, you are obviously fond of the mom and simply can't bring yourself to maintain NC with her because it's out of respect and endearment. So without offending her, perhaps you could allow the mail to come..and don't open it. BUT on a weekly basis write to her mom and detail what's going on in your life. That way her mail gets to you. (she is not offended by having it bounced back or blocked) and you control what information she receives from you. Since you don't really need to know the x-tra bits she includes, maintain contact..but on your terms. Tell her about your life and keep her up to date. Don't open her e-mails. Delete them. And when you allow enough time to go by maybe evetually you can read them without being peeved or disturbed.

[CaliGuy]

Excellent idea, In_Sync.

 

I owe her mom a lot for being there for me when no one else was. I just can't kick her to the curb as easily as others would like me to.

 

I'm not trying to be difficult or argumentative -- as I said when my heart is involved the problems begin.

[alphamale]

I owe her mom a lot for being there for me when no one else was. I just can't kick her to the curb as easily as others would like me to.

you don't owe her mom crap! lets reverse the situation.....let say you dumped this girl and started dating someone new who you were krazy about. lets say your ex-g/f was still in contact with one of your parental units regularly and getting emotional support from them. WTF would you think about that situation. Would not you be like "WTF!"?? Jesus H. Christ man!!!

[sick of it]

cali

im ina similar situation with my ex's aunt. her husband passed away last eyar and i took his place in opening a deli with her. i did everything and shes really appreciative to everything i did. this coincided with her niece breaking up with me...but i stuck around through the entire summer and got the place running. we still talk and i dont want to lose her as afriend despite all the things her niece said and did. i talk to her like a close friend...even about what happened and she was there for me the way i was for her.

ill occasionally get emails about things and i openly tell her that i still cant handle it. shes totally compassionate about it....

but on my end...subconciously, its a way im still connected to the ex.

[sick of it]

alpha....in that situation, cali would need to talk to his parent and tell them to stop. shes contacting him!....its the exs responsibility if she wants it to stop.

[In Sync]

you don't owe her mom crap! lets reverse the situation.....let say you dumped this girl and started dating someone new who you were krazy about. lets say your ex-g/f was still in contact with one of your parental units regularly and getting emotional support from them. WTF would you think about that situation. Would not you be like "WTF!"?? Jesus H. Christ man!!!

 

 

Dude, maybe he doesn't owe her anything BUT there is such a thing as being descent. I mean obviously CaliGuy isn't breaking down in turmoil or bouncing off the walls in a rubber room, because of the mom's e-mails. So what's the point of overreacting? If you go back a few posts and read it, I think my solution is less dramactic. His conscious won't tear him up and the mom knocks out some e-mails.

[CaliGuy]

alpha....in that situation, cali would need to talk to his parent and tell them to stop. shes contacting him!....its the exs responsibility if she wants it to stop.

 

Thankfully my ex did not reply to the message or say anything to me directly. That was my biggest concern.

 

I also know I'm going to bump into her in June at a local event. I think I'll be fine though. I can handle seeing her, smiling, being my happy self and going about my business.

[alphamale]

Thankfully my ex did not reply to the message or say anything to me directly. That was my biggest concern.

once again you have gone totally against everything you've been preaching about and all your "guides" to this and that, blah blah blah....

 

let me remind you of something you posted on April 12 at 8:29pm:

 

"Good post, NF. In my guide to second chances, I am adamant that the dumpee let go and move on as if their ex is never coming back.

 

The reason for that is so they can get their life together, make themselves #1 and get healthy the quickest way possible."

[sick of it]

alpha...curb your enthusiasm for a minute...

are you telling me youve never not followed your own advice. that you didnt want to seem like an assto someone you appreciate? thats all hes doing. chill out.