My Dad - cancer

[Becoming]

Mourning is painful. Yet "blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted." Unless we mourn, the grief will turn toxic and hurt us more in the long run.

 

It's painful now, but don't try to stop it, and be kind with yourself. You're under a lot of stress, so it's understandable that your frustration quotient with other areas in your life is pretty low right now.

[blind_otter]

One of my friends sent me an email bitching me out for not calling him back ever. He basically ended our friendship. It pisses me off. I know that I am prioritizing my life weirdly right now. I put my Dad, and my family, before everything. I don't really care about anything else right now.

 

But it pisses me off. I told him that it was within his rights to withdraw his friendship if I am not meeting his needs. But what the hell am I supposed to do? I don't feel like I'm meeting anyone's needs right now, not even my own.

 

I spend all day with my Dad, then I come home exhausted but wired. I didn't do anything, but I feel emotionally exhausted. I collapse in a heap. I don't talk to anyone unless they call me. I know I will end up with no friends after this is all over because I don't reach out that much. I talk to my sisters, my brothers in law, friends of the family that come by my parents house. I hang out with my nieces and nephews. I go home and don't speak for hours because I feel so drained.

 

It's bad to be like this. I should be reaching out, talking to people, but friends get tired of hearing about my Dad and I get tired hearing about other people's random crapola. GAH.

 

This morning I had to go to my niece's and nephew's bible school performance. I couldnt' find my shoe and I sat down in the hallway crying for half an hour. Then I got it together and went to the show. But I felt like a moron because I was crying. About a shoe.

[whichwayisup]

Your friend is an a-hole if you don't mind me saying so. WTF. How selfish is he??? Hello! He should be calling YOU, checking on YOU! Not waiting and sulking ...Pissed off that you've not called him back. He isn't a true friend, because true friends don't DO what he did to you. He needs to lighten up with the expectations and realize that you have so much going on. Geez, I wanna smack him across the head for ya!

 

Cry, keep crying..Even if it's over stupid stuff...Don't ever feel like a moron for getting upset, especially now.

[amaysngrace]

It's bad to be like this. I should be reaching out, talking to people, but friends get tired of hearing about my Dad and I get tired hearing about other people's random crapola. GAH.

 

 

Hey, that's why WE'RE here, Otter.

 

I know what you mean about it taking it's toll on you. I went through it last spring, except it was my sister. Now my brother. Dx ed the day after Memorial Day...but he's doing pretty well considering he was stage 4 when they found it.

 

Just hang in there. If you have to cry, cry. These are one of those things that just suck.

 

You and your family continue to be in my prayers.

[blind_otter]

Yeah I know that guy is a total a-hole, but it doesn't help really. I still feel depressed about the general quality of the human race. Other people have lifelong friends who care about them enough to reach out, I just don't. It's ok. I've accepted it, I accepted it years ago. Which is probably why I have problems making friends. I really believe the only person who will look out for you is you.

 

I was dating someone on and off for a while. He ignored me for 3 hours, making and eating his own dinner in MY kitchen and then sitting across the room from me staring at me and smoking cigarettes, while I cried in the living room. I asked him what I was supposed to think about that, he knows my Dad is dying. He said he felt helpless. So I helped him out the effing front door. I don't need this. I do better on my own anyways. It's just another disappointment I filed away that colors my judgement of all men.

[alphamale]

I was dating someone on and off for a while. He ignored me for 3 hours, making and eating his own dinner in MY kitchen and then sitting across the room from me staring at me and smoking cigarettes, while I cried in the living room. I asked him what I was supposed to think about that, he knows my Dad is dying. He said he felt helpless. So I helped him out the effing front door. I don't need this. I do better on my own anyways. It's just another disappointment I filed away that colors my judgement of all men.

What did you want him to do exactly? When a close relative is dying there is not much other people can do to help you. This specific situation is one that can only be dealt with inside your own mind.

[Outcast]

It's just another disappointment I filed away that colors my judgement of all men.

 

Don't let that happen. John Gray says that men, who are used to the role of 'fixer', are helpless boobs (well Gray doesn't say that; I'm paraphrasing LOL) in situations like this because they don't know how to 'fix' it. Some fellows have better intuition in these instances but, unfortunately, a lot don't. So don't be disappointed that they're clueless.

 

You don't think much of gal pals but at least if you manage to find some compatible women, they will in many cases be better about knowing what to do when you're down than your guy pals will.

 

In the end, though, the presence of friends doesn't help all that much. Nobody can share your grief in a way that would be meaningful because you are mourning a relationship that's yours alone.

 

Continue to write out your anguish - in a journal as well as on LS - because this will help a bit. But you pretty much have to go through pain when it happens. Remember that you used to 'medicate' your pain and so this may be more raw than things you've experienced for a long time. Don't slide back into looking to chemical help, though. It hurts like hell, but you will get through this. And, believe it or not, be stronger. I call it being forged in the fire.

[burning 4 revenge]

i don't get what that guy was suppose to do either. what did you expect?

[blind_otter]

i don't get what that guy was suppose to do either. what did you expect?

 

I dunno. Maybe he could have just left, then, and not sat and stared at me. He also said "It looks like you enjoy crying" which is utter BS. I don't enjoy crying, who the hell does? Maybe he could have asked if there was anything he could do. Maybe he could have sat next to me and just sat with me instead of staring at me like I was a freak. Maybe he could have offering me a *ucking cigarette or a tissue. Something. I would have.

[Rubber_Chicken]

i don't get what that guy was suppose to do either. what did you expect?

 

 

The guy was supposed to walk up to her and hug her and tell her that even though he can't make the pain go away that he can be there for her.

 

He needed to show her that he cared.

 

By doing what he did he showed her he was an arse and that he didn't care what she was going thru

 

B_O -- Hugs

[blind_otter]

Remember that you used to 'medicate' your pain and so this may be more raw than things you've experienced for a long time. Don't slide back into looking to chemical help, though. It hurts like hell, but you will get through this. And, believe it or not, be stronger. I call it being forged in the fire.

 

It has been a very very long time since I allowed myself to feel much of anything. I've had moments of intense craving for pain pills, of all things I used to use; of course alcohol. And yes I can call my sponsor, do all sorts of things, but ultimately what I end up doing is just dealing with the craving. Feeling that horrible feeling that makes my skin crawl, makes me nauseous, makes me shake. I want to drink so badly, and i know why, so I don't. But the evenings that I go through, pretty mcuh every night, are torturous. I sit at home wanting to jump out of my skin because I want to get wasted so badly. It's been almost 8 years since I was sober to deal with anything painful.

 

Part of me thinks, who the hell cares anyways. But at this point, it is what it is. I have this to deal with. I've spent so much of my life just surviving that I don't really know how to thrive. I've tried to figure it out but every time I get a moment's peace and an uneventful plateau, everything changes again.

[blind_otter]

And another thing. He could have, like offered to make ME dinner instead of eating my food all by himself. Well, that's a lie. He did offer me a piece of bacon. Then again he offered bacon to my dogs, too.

[Outcast]

I've tried to figure it out but every time I get a moment's peace and an uneventful plateau, everything changes again.

 

Yep. Life will simply just not sit down and behave properly. Your friend's a clueless twit. But, like I said, men can be real bad at this stuff. Your dog is better company at a time like this. Cripes - animals have better sense when you're sad than that dud did.

[blind_otter]

Thank you outcast. I am pretty hurt right now, not about anything specific. Everything. Everything. It gets heavy, carrying all this baggage sometimes....

[whichwayisup]

What did you want him to do exactly? When a close relative is dying there is not much other people can do to help you. This specific situation is one that can only be dealt with inside your own mind.

What is a friend supposed to do? BE THERE! Be supportive. Be there to listen, to give a hug, to distract, and just BE.

 

Honestly, that's not alot to give...That is what friends do for eachother.

[whichwayisup]

i don't get what that guy was suppose to do either. what did you expect?

 

Uhmm, I think respect and thinking of HER feelings. Doing something nice, paying for dinner or making HER dinner. And most of all, not acting like such an idiot.

 

I don't understand WHY some people think it's so far fetched to be there for someone who is going through a rough time.

[whichwayisup]

B_O stay strong. I feel for what you're going through and I also know what it's like NOT to have certain people around who you can't rely on. When my father was dying, I had a select few people I felt comfortable with to be around. They just knew what to do and what to say...Yet there was a friend of mine who really let me down during my roughest time. I'd been there for her, all through her ups and down, family issues, death...When it came to me, she was a ghost. Broken promises...I realized she just couldn't handle it, so was very selfish as well.

 

You have your family around you and you have all of us. Take that to heart.

 

More hugs!!

[blind_otter]

I don't think I can stay strong for much longer.

[Outcast]

I am pretty hurt right now, not about anything specific. Everything. Everything. It gets heavy, carrying all this baggage sometimes.

 

I know.

 

I don't think I can stay strong for much longer

 

Meaning? It's ok to collapse in a heap and weep for ages on end (keep a cold cloth nearby).

 

Have you talked to the hospice? The ones I've been involved with have bereavement counsellors and even groups sometimes. As with other situations (as you well know) what often helps is to talk to people who are going through the exact same thing.

[blind_otter]

No, I haven't talked to the hospice. I feel like a dolt. Crying convulsively. My Dad kind of represented everything that was good to me. Persevering through times of difficulty and anguish. I know I can, too. I know I will. I have grieved before, when I lost both my babies. The last time, I didn't deal with it well and losing my baby in december 2004 set off my year long cocaine binge.

 

I don't have that option any more. I mean, I do, I always do, but I don't want that option. To numb myself. But I feel so awful.

 

And I just realized that when the guy I was dating left he took food from my fridge and pantry. Great. He left a note saying that he bought it so he was taking it back. What a jerk. Now I have no food in my fridge.

 

I feel so sad. I always grieve alone. Why can't I have some nice company while I cry at least?

[Outcast]

Really, BO, for my money, the fur friends are the best company of all.

 

Please do call the hospice - there will for sure be nice and helpful folks there.

And call that jack(unprintable) and tell him to bring the food back and you'll pay him for it. He's beyond a twit - he's the epitome of selfish self-centredness

[blind_otter]

I think it's the fantasy we all create. The idea that others will walk with you on your path through life. The truth is that people just walk with you for a few steps, then fade away. My path is dark and scarey and ugly. Who would want to walk with me through that? My Dad did, he held my hand when it was just too awful. Because he had been in darker places, he understood. He understood what it was like to be alone, and I know he always wanted to save me from that. Sometimes I feel like i failed him. I protected him from knowing about the bad things that happened to me, but he knew anyways. He always knew. Even if I didn't tell him that I was raped, he knew that someone hurt me.

 

And he has been sick for so long. He's had more than one heart attack, more than one stroke, he kept going. My sisters say it was partly because of me. Because he worried that no one would understand or take care of me when he was gone. Now I put a brave face on. He taught me to be strong, and I will carry on his legacy.

 

When I was little he would say "I love you" to me, and when I said "I love you too!" he would ALWAYS ask "Every day? All the time??" And when I answered "YES" he would smile and say "Goooood" in this long, mellow southern drawl.

 

Now I do that with my nieces and nephews. I am teaching them. everything he taught me I will try to pass on to them.

 

He is lucky. Not everyone gets the opportunity to die when they're "done". He's lived a long and VERY eventful life. He grew up in a one room log cabin with a dugout for a kitchen. He's been on every continent on the planet earth, even antarctica. He's fought in wars, killed men, endured horrible hardships. He's traveled across America, hitch-hiking and working in meat packing plants, picking fruit with migrant workers. I will show my love for him by making a legacy he can be proud of.

[johan]

Not everyone will always disappoint you. Plenty of fathers let their kids down in many, and often major ways. But your dad didn't. And it doesn't take the love of a father to hang in there for someone. Just love. You just haven't had that from anyone besides him yet. But there are people out there who can love like that.

 

You shouldn't cheat yourself by putting yourself in situations and places where it's hard or impossible to come across guys like that. I worry about you and at what point will you start looking for an escape from the pain, and for that much longer delay your chance to find someone who will walk through life with you in the way that you need them to. I hope you are strong enough to endure and come out on the other side healthy and open.

 

You're going through a lot of changes all at once, and you have been for months now. Some of this is just life. Some of it you brought on yourself. But it won't last forever. It will end, and you'll see brighter days on the other side. Hang in there, otter.

[blind_otter]

I keep on hoping, weirdly enough. In spite of everything. I am definatley strong enough, J. But not very open, not any more.

 

I look to the future, but not with anticipation. I hope that I don't buckle down and trudge through this time so strongly that I forget to look up and realize the hard times have passed.

 

In the meantime I will continue to be the hugem throbbing dork that I am. Ugh, thanks for helping me through a rough morning you guys. I am feeling a lot better.

 

And that jack(edit) can keep the freaking food. If he wanted it so badly. He can't cook for sh*t anyways. He was a dirtbag, I was just wasting time and distracting myself with him.

 

I have a few female friends. Two of them are sisters who also lost their dad to lung cancer, even though he was somewhat estranged from them before he passed away. The two of them are nice, but I am loathe to burden anyone else with this pain. Unless they are having sex with me, then I consider it payment for services rendered.

[Outcast]

So try the hospice people. They're already burdened anyway