Not guilty--lied and feeling guilty for lying. (LONG POST)

[grateful]

I don't see it that way.. otherwise he would be trying to win you back..

These are things that you see because you want to see them.

 

You are afraid of being hurt.. Nothing wrong with that...

But it is coming at the expense of your emotional health

 

 

I think Art_Critic is correct here. Trying to win you back would include leaving the establishment when you wanted to leave as well as respecting the physical boundaries you set.

 

The part where you noted things went bad should not have happened on a make up/big talk night. He needed to be on his best behavior and you saw the worst with all of the physical aggression.

 

Blind_Otter is very right to point out your "yes,but..." statements.

 

Wishing you the strength you need right now.

[basscatcher]

A_C

Why would he act the way he did after I snapped at him in the garage for trying to pull me into coming up to his place for awhile before going home.

 

I ripped into him. I wasn't calm or sweet about it. I almost told him to f*** off. but bit my tonge.

 

He was quiet, his eyes welled up with tears (seriously), he physcially gestured to hold me and hesitated because of my glare. He stared at me with eyes full of tears, confusion as to what to do to fix what he had just done to me.

 

He wanted to touch my face and I turned away at first.

 

For about 5 minutes he tried to console me and I rejected him. I finally let him touch my lip and then lean into my car and hug me.

 

He squeezed me hard and held me for a long time. He expressed to me that he really likes me.

 

He was obviously trying to make amends for his forceful actions and disrespect towards me.

 

He was scared--tears in his eyes, afraid to touch me even though he gestured he wanted too. How tight he held me.

 

All his actions say he was scared, felt like a horses ass with flies up his butt, and trying to make amends without too many words but in actions.

[Art_Critic]

The part where you noted things went bad should not have happened on a make up/big talk night. He needed to be on his best behavior and you saw the worst with all of the physical aggression.

 

 

nicely put Grateful..

[Art_Critic]

A_C

Why would he act the way he did after I snapped at him in the garage for trying to pull me into coming up to his place for awhile before going home.

 

IMHO

 

Honestly I think he has no idea on how to handle the situation..

 

He is just doing stuff because he doesn't know how to deal with your raw emotions.

 

You have put him in something that is way too intense for him and for the relationship.

 

I think you need to stop putting all this intense work and effort into it..

 

Think of it this way..

If after 5 months it is this bad,.. Look at what it is going to consume for you in a year.. in 2 years..

You will not have anything left to give... This is too much work for a love/friendship romance..

 

I know my Grandparents were married for 68 years before he passed away and I can tell you that the success was their friendship and tolerence of each other..

 

Neither of which do you have for each other...

[hotgurl]

IMHO

 

Honestly I think he has no idea on how to handle the situation..

 

He is just doing stuff because he doesn't know how to deal with your raw emotions.

 

You have put him in something that is way too intense for him and for the relationship.

 

I think you need to stop putting all this intense work and effort into it..

 

Think of it this way..

If after 5 months it is this bad,.. Look at what it is going to consume for you in a year.. in 2 years..

You will not have anything left to give... This is too much work for a love/friendship romance..

 

I know my Grandparents were married for 68 years before he passed away and I can tell you that the success was their friendship and tolerence of each other..

 

Neither of which do you have for each other...

 

I 100% agree with this. the clown is smart today.

[blind_otter]

IMHO

 

Honestly I think he has no idea on how to handle the situation..

 

He is just doing stuff because he doesn't know how to deal with your raw emotions.

 

You have put him in something that is way too intense for him and for the relationship.

 

I think you need to stop putting all this intense work and effort into it..

 

Think of it this way..

If after 5 months it is this bad,.. Look at what it is going to consume for you in a year.. in 2 years..

You will not have anything left to give... This is too much work for a love/friendship romance..

 

I know my Grandparents were married for 68 years before he passed away and I can tell you that the success was their friendship and tolerence of each other..

 

Neither of which do you have for each other...

 

 

Word. I've had men act this way to calm me down.

 

Men get freaked out by emotional displays from women. If he had a psycho ex GF, of course he would try to calm you down.

 

He doesn't want another psycho exGF. Not saying you are, but hell, if his ex is as carzy as you describe, he's probably pathologically afraid of that by now.

[basscatcher]

Word. I've had men act this way to calm me down.

 

Men get freaked out by emotional displays from women. If he had a psycho ex GF, of course he would try to calm you down.

 

He doesn't want another psycho exGF. Not saying you are, but hell, if his ex is as carzy as you describe, he's probably pathologically afraid of that by now.

 

 

:lmao: Point made..

[whichwayisup]

I 100% agree with this. the clown is smart today.

 

Oh my god, I am dying laughing here. That's hilarious! Actually gotta say, the clenis (male clown) is usually smart around here.

[Becoming]

Hi, Pada. Been away for awhile but think I'm caught up on what's been happening with you and C. At least with this thread.

 

Art's right. You've overwhelmed the guy. He's probably clueless about how to deal with any emotion, whether yours, his, or exgf's.

 

I see lots of power games going on, which indicates to me that there are two vulnerable people afraid of their own vulnerability trying to hoist blame onto the other in order to avoid feeling discomfort with their own vulnerability. You're no doubt not trying to blame, but spending all this energy trying to "solve this problem" of the relationship is a subtle blame game that inadvertently says there is something wrong with him that needs solved. That's probably not what you mean to do, etc., but that's probably what he's hearing.

 

You know what you need from another, and you aren't getting it from him. Are you ever going to?--that's your question now, right? He'll tell you to be patient with him, that he wants to change because he wants you. And you need to be wanted so badly because of your past that you'll believe him because you want to believe it so badly. But then the betrayed part of yourself will not be happy and won't be able to be satisfied with his "trying" that won't measure up to what you know you need. And you'll be forever trapped in this vicious cycle of a relationship that's really just you trying to solve the problem of childhood neglect and abuse with C as an innocent bystander.

 

Or maybe that's just me projecting from my own experience.

 

That's what I see, for what it's worth. It shouldn't have to be so hard to relate to someone you love, sweet Pada. You know this.

 

Why do you keep wanting these guys who don't want you? You DO deserve to be wanted without having to work so hard. Love isn't something earned; it's just given. And C sounds like a good guy, just not able to love you in the way you want. He may learn, but odds are he also may not.

[basscatcher]

Thanks Becoming.

 

I can understand totally what everyone is saying to me.

 

Maybe your all right.

 

I am having a hard time accepting it even though I sense you are right.

 

It shouldn't have to be so hard to relate to someone you love,]

If I never tried in any of my relationships-my past and the one in the present- I would have always been alone. Who wants to be involved with someone who doesn't put any effort into it. I do admit that I do put more then I should.

 

I'm really feeling down right now so its not good for me to continue posting tonight. I just deleted a long spill that rambled on and on and recognized I began to piety myself.

[whichwayisup]

It's okay to put in more effort than the other person at times, but eventually all that has to even out at some point. I find I give more, but with that being said I don't expect anybody, my husband, family or friends to give back as much as me.

 

Relationships ARE hard sometimes, it's just not supposed to happen all at once and be so draining like it's been with you and Charlie from more or less the start.

 

Try and get some sleep or go watch TV. Maybe there's a good funny movie on so you can laugh abit.

[Mz. Pixie]

When it comes down to it Pada- he's either unable or unwilling to speak your Love Language. Have you read the Five Love Languages before???

 

See, that was my exhusband- he was unwilling to speak my love language. He was certainly able to, but he just didn't care to.

 

Charlie may not be able to speak the love language that you need him to. Doesn't necessarily mean that he's an ass- but that you two are just not right for each other. Even though you'd like it to be another way.

 

In relationships I've always thought of this- sometimes what you want is not necessarily what you need and what will make you happy.

[basscatcher]

Much better this morning.

 

Thanks WWIU and A_C and for your support last night.

Charlie callled me last night just after your last PM A_C. he and I put a lot out on the table last night.

 

He is learning to express himself more and more. I am happy that he is doing it, finally. He is sharing with me his feelings and frustrations. He tends to hold back out of fear of how I will react and I begged him to give me the benefit of the doubt. I told him several times I am NOT Kim...

 

I didn't hold back facts last night. I did hold back my emotions so I wouldn't over whelm him. I've been working on my logic instead of emotions communicating with him.

 

I told him I understood that he is overwhelmed with all my emotions that he isn't use to a women who is expressive and so verbally and emotionally open. I explained to him that he needs to give me the benefit of the doubt about things he THINKS I will over react too.

 

I expressed to him that him not keeping his word about telling me before hand he was going to talk too or see Kim. He is the one who told me he would warn me first and he didn't. I explained to him that how he handled this situation caused damage because of the lack of trust in me. I told him it makes him look untrustworthy, like he has something to hide and that he is keeping secrets from me. I asked him to have some faith in me. He said OK. I told him if he explained the situation to me and told me he was going to act upon the situation I may not like what he is going to do but I understand better then he thinks I do.

 

I posed the question to him

"Which is better:

Being told what is going on or having to find out later another way?

 

He chose-- to be told ahead of time. I asked him again to give me the benefit of the doubt that I won't flip out on him.

 

He understood me completely and he apoligized. He said he didn't want to deal with me flipping out on him. He had enough going on that he was having a difficult time dealing with. I expressed if he would have explained to me what was going on with his Xgf and that he had to call her because he feared she was on a suicide mission I would have understood even if I didn't like the situation.

 

He expressed to me that he told her everything about me that he could. He said she knows everything he knows about me. He did not hide me.. She was grilling him with questions about me and got so personal she evern asked if I gave good blow-jobs. WTF... She was concerned if I met the kids yet, she was concerned if he brought me up to the cabin yet.. She knows everything and it showed her that he and I aren't just casually dating that what he and I have is more. She seen she is not in the picture anymore that I have replaced her so-to-speak. I also told him that if she is going to have a break down every 6 months and reach out to him that NO WOMAN will put up with his Xgf interferring in their lives. I told him she needs help and he can't save her. He is not her savior. She will ruin all his relationships if he allows her to intrude on his life whenever she is crashing. I told him she may never let go of him if he continues to try to help her. I told him she needs to be admitted into a institution to get help if she is having major anxiety, panic attacks and her moods are so off the pendlim she is on the line of suicide. He mentioned about her kids and I told him she is NOT GOOD for them in this state of being. She is only damaging her children by not getting help. I told him he might be the only one who can get her committed for insanity because she has no family other then her children. I told him that her kids would be better off in a foster home and could get counceling. I then told him I am done speaking about her and I don't want to hear anymore about this subject. I told him he needs to deal with her and deciede if he is going to allow her to inject herself into his life for the rest of his life when she feels like it. I told him to think about his life and his future relationships also with her interferring and let it at that.

 

Then we talked about Monday evenings drama. He admitted he was wrong for pulling on me to come up to his place when I wanted to go home. He said he wanted to be near me. I told him I was very tired and needed sleep and he said I could have slept at his place until morning and then got up and went home to get ready for work. I asked him "since when have you allowed me to sleep over on a work night?". I expressed he has always sent me home around 12-1 am. He said we could have set the alarm to go off at 5:30 and I could have showered and then drove home. I told him if he would have given me that offer instead of him pulling on me I may have taken it and we wouldn't have had the blow out. He agreed he didn't share his thoughts and wants with me.

 

I also told him he disrespected me when I wanted to leave the restuarant and that was very rude of him. I told him he didn't give a damn about my health and weariness.. I told him he is selfish and self absorbed and doesn't care about me or my needs. He retorted that wasn't true. He asked me what time it was when I started asking to leave I told him a little after 10pm and we didn't get out of there until after 11pm and then got into the tiff in his garage until almost midnight and I didn't get to bed until 12:45 and got up for work at 5:40am..

He said "Oh, it felt like it was earlier because the sun didn't set until around 9pm". I told him he needs to get out of his comfort zone and realize that he isn't on his own as much to make decisions only for himself. If I am with him he should take consideration for my feelings and needs also..

 

I told him he needs to stop making excuses also and be responsible for what his part is in this ciaos. He agreed.

 

I told him I am not perfect in this relationship either. I do express myself so much that it overwhelms him. I do expect him to moves as fast as I do in correcting problems. I am not as laid back as he is and I tend to jump on problems when they rear their heads. I grab everything that goes by me and I analyze it and learn about it. I am growth motivated.

He doesn't grab everything that goes by. He is laid back, easy going and only grabs the things he has too when he needs too.

We are different in this aspect and if he and I are able to see if we can manage our lives together we need to find understanding, acceptence and balance. He did agree..

 

He shared with me that he wanted me to meet his kids so they would know who he is talking about if he spoke about me but he isn't ready for them and I to bond closely yet. He said he was taking it slow for a year before meshing our lives with children and extended family's. He didn't want to see the hurt in his kids again if we bonded fast and then he and I broke up. I told him he should have explained to me his boundrys and beliefs in this matter. I could have done damage control with my own son. My son has expressed that it hurts him Charlie doesn't spend time with him or acknowledge him much. If I would have understood Charlies logic I could have spoken to my son and may have been able to reduce my sons feelings.

 

I explained to Charlie he has a woman in his life who communicates, who is relationship oriented. He said he knows. He hasn't had a woman like me in his life and its all different.

I told him he is different kind of man then what I am use to also.

I told him he and I have to accept the differences and learn to live with them and compromise with them or we have to end this,.

 

I told him if he doesn't feel or think he can learn to communicate, open up, share, participate in conflict resolutions in a healthy manner then we need to totally end this relationship.

 

He asked me to lighten up a bit more on these subjects. He said he isnt use to this and it overwhelms him. He feels like everytime he calls me he hears negative comments about himself. He feels like he isnt good or good enough. He asked me to relax and have some fun instead of being so focused on our relationship. I said thats because he isn't communicating with me properly and giving me reassurance of his sincerity with me. He said he knows he has things to work on in himself and he is working on them and to give him time. He said he realizes that he needs to have more faith in me that I won't over react. He said he wants to be with me but I am over whelming him. I told him I knew I was and I have been workng on holding back.

 

I told him that we needed to put everythng up on the table and if he needed to say anything or express anything then he needs to do it now. I told him I want everything off my chest tonight. He said OK.

 

We have a birthday party for 3 people Friday night and his friend (Mike) maybe coming out with us. I told him I didn't want all this undisclosed tension built up inside of us when we are out having fun. I told him we don't have to solve the problems now but putting them upfront and in the open will relieve the tension inside of us so we aren't holding them in. He agreed.

 

We put it all up last night. I know what he needs from me and he knows what I need from him. He said we will work on them.

 

He was open with me last night. I gave him ideas how he could better relate with me when communicating. I told him I will lighten up if he can at least acknowledge me a little more and practice speaking to me with more explainations and details of things he wants/needs/likes/dislikes so I don't have to try fill in the blanks. He agreed.

 

I feel like we are finally on the same path. I'm still ahead of him though.

 

I am not going to take all this and run with it. There still maybe a chance he could recan't all this and flee or chose to not change anything. Then I will have to make a decision and I can't live the way it has been..

 

So in a nutshell this is where we are at. Tomorrow night we go out with our (my) group and I will stay with him that night. Saturday I go home take care of my stuff, go to confession. Sunday last Dismissial before Easter and my gf's baptism.. Charlie is heading up to the cabin with his brothers to open it up for the summer. They need to clean, turn on the water, clean the yard. etc etc.. It will be good for him to be up there without his kids and no snow on the ground. He will have time to himself more. Maybe he will come back Sunday feeling better and have a better outlook on things..

[nicki]

Pada, you have such a big capacity to love.

 

But I don't think this is about love. It's about the way you grew up. I also grew up in an abusive home. I've spent much of my life tolerating way too much bad behavior from other people.

 

If they show ANY good qualities, then I focus on that quality and try to build a whole relationship around it. Other people would most likely bail. But I keep working on it, why? Because I want to prove that I can resolve the same situation I was in as a child. But since I can't go back to being a child, I create the exact same situation in my current life.

 

And I will never work it out. It can't be worked out until I leave. We can't leave as children so we keep trying. But we can leave as an adult. It's the thing we MUST do to relearn what emotionally healthy people do in unbalanced situations that can't be fixed.

 

Wanting to work things out is admirable. But we can all take it too far.

 

You are hooking up with people who are emotionally distant/damaged. As you are. As I am. Admit it. It's okay. These men can never give you what you want.

 

Charlie hasn't told you that he loves you, right? Then why are putting so much effort into the relationship? You don't have stay to make him love you. It won't prove anything. And I would bet that he likes having "psycho" girlfriends. He is probably a "rescuer" type. That's his dynamic. What's yours?

 

I know how hard it is. I talked my ex boyfriend to death. I wrote long letters. In the end, I had to realize that you can't grow all things from all soils.

 

I only date emotionally available men. That means they have no addictions. That means they are open to giving and receiving love.

 

I really like you, Pada. I want the best for you. I love reading your posts. Oh, and just for Alpha...guess what a marriage therapist once told me? He said the secret for talking to men is:

 

Giving the bottom line first. Then filling in the details. Men will keep listening for the main point until they hear it, so give it first. Then they will relax and listen to the story.

 

Of course, I have just written a very long post, so what do I know

[a4a]

Pada do yourself a favor and try to focus on something else ...... work, your son, even just cleaning your house or another project.

 

I can see why Charlie is asking you to lighten up. If there is any chance of this actually working out you need to lighten up. After only 5 months and him not saying or showing that he is indeed "in love" with you..... he is going to be driven off with too much too soon.

[witabix]

In this situation, and I think I know from my experiences, the two of you are torn. Both wanting the same thing but unable to see the path towards it.

 

Outside influences introduced into this mix can only be detrimental. To your mind state and your emotional state.

 

Wanting, wanting it so much. Blinding isn't it Pada? Confusing, overwhelming, rage making, saddening, and sometimes it feels hopeless. As though you are meant to be alone but never want to be alone. Frightening.

 

We invest, all of us to some extent or other, in a new found love. Imagining that this will be the last, lasting, everlasting love of our lives.

 

Then the storm blows in and we start to run into problems. Unspoken expectations fall into the shadows. Spoken, unspoken and imagined promises made are broken. Life kicks in again and drags us around in the mundane world we live in and the fairytale seems tarnished and lost.

 

We start to rail and thrash at each other, blaming and loving and hating and needing and wanting and running all at once.

 

I know from my own recent experiences over the new year that there comes a point at which you must either bend a little more or break. It is only for you to decide what point you are at.

 

There is no one here who can give you a 100% foolproof answer.

 

How much do you need this relationship? Or any relationship? How much turmoil are you willing to be put through? How much are you prepared to put this man through?

 

What are the possible outcomes?

 

One is that you could be happy for the rest of your lives together.

 

One is you could end up hating each other for the rest of your lives apart.

 

Which way is it heading, in your opinion, right now?

 

What are your positives from it as it stands now?

 

It sounds to me as though you are not ready to bin this relationship yet. You want to carry on for a while and give it more effort. I for one applaud your tenacity.

 

Another poster talked about growing in an abusive setting and how this affects your tolerance levels. I would agree with what was said. I did not grow up in an abusive setting, the total reverse in fact. I was always made to believe in myself, told I was really smart and received positive validation the whole time.

 

This is why I applaud your tenacity, my tolerance levels for anything that is not acceptable is almost zero. This does however mean that I will walk away, unless I get dragged back. I have done in the past. Even now I find myself wondering what if I had given it more time, maybe they could have changed, maybe I was wrong to just blow the whistle and call full time.

 

I am not going to tell you to dump or stay, just to take time and think/talk it through. What I would say is this.......

 

Be as direct as you can, as honest as you possibly can, tell him what you feel about him, let him know if you see this as a long term thing, let him know the problems you are having and your wants and needs. As you have done here.

 

I will say this one thing here. My recent ex said to me after we broke up that she thought I was going to be her husband. I was stunned into silence, very unusual for me. I coud not believe that she thought this and never mentioned it to me until I was gone from her. I just shook my head in disbelief, how could anyone have thought such a thing and never mentioned it, even in passing. She left me confused and wondering if I had lost my ability to understand other humans.

 

Play your cards face up on the table. I know that is what you are like inside. I know that is what you want to do.

[blind_otter]

Feh. I understand that relationships take work, but not like hard labor. I'm exhausted from just experiencing this second hand. Oh, welllllll.

[basscatcher]

Pada do yourself a favor and try to focus on something else ...... work, your son, even just cleaning your house or another project.

 

I can see why Charlie is asking you to lighten up. If there is any chance of this actually working out you need to lighten up. After only 5 months and him not saying or showing that he is indeed "in love" with you..... he is going to be driven off with too much too soon.

 

Yep-I totally agree.

 

I feel so much weight lifted off of me from last night..

It's hard to describe even for myself; one with many words.

 

I don't know where anything is going but I feel like my tie on my brain is loosened. Almost liberating.

 

Whatever happens, happens.

[Becoming]

Pada, the reason why you have so many folks responding is because you're able to articulate in detail what many of us struggle with.

 

I'm married to a person who hasn't expressed what's going on with him, which makes me, someone who grew up in abuse and neglect, simply nutso and doing exactly the same things you do--try to solve the situation, communicate to try to get the other to understand, overwhelm the other with all these emotions we're in touch with, obsess about the relationship because deep down in I'm convinced it's key for MY salvation. Our guys didn't ask to be put in the idol position; we put them there, and they're just human without the superpowers we want them to have.

 

At least that's what I'm learning with the help of many of the folks who've signed in here. (And lots of therapy $$!).

 

I am not one to say give up just yet. Hell, I've stuck with my guy for 25 years because he's a person I committed to love no matter what--that's what marriage is to me. And he's a great guy whom I do love.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you love the person, you can slow down and wait for him to catch up. And just let it be. The overwork we do on relationality actually causes the other to want to run from us, causing us to panic more, work more, and there we go. . . .

 

The good news I'm finding with my Charlie-like H is that when I relax, turn my attention to just living my life and enjoying being with him as a person, not a idol/savior, he's more likely to open up. My H is working on his own issues and together we are seeing how marriage ended up bad for us.

 

The bad news is that this is really hard for us to do because of all the beliefs we hold about ourselves as abuse survivors that have been ingrained in us from the beginning--i.e. that unless we work really hard at trying to make everything right no one will love us and that if we do work really hard on relationships, maybe we can at least avoid being hurt and having to experience the loneliness that has been our life that we so want to avoid.

 

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to learn of you what it is I do as well. I appreciate your honesty.

[whichwayisup]

Whatever happens, happens.

 

Exactly. So, for a little while, just enjoy things. Lighten up, be silly, and have FUN. Try your best to not focus on the intensity of feelings, the relationship and all that stuff - He is asking you to let loose and have fun with him - Maybe this is what it will take for the relationship to grow. Less talking/feeling and more LIVING and laughing. Enjoying eachothers company without all the restrictions and demands.

 

I said this before, and I hope you believe it (even though Charlie isnt' saying it in the way you want him to) he DOES have feelings for you and he DOES care alot about you. If he didn't, he would have ended things already. He sees potiental in this relationship, so just take it slow and don't rush back into all that intense stuff.

 

Your words, whatever happens, happens...Try to stick to that!

[basscatcher]

Thank you Becoming and WWIU.

 

I am more stable then I have been in a long time.. Putting everything up on the table using logic and clarity instead of expressing all and only emotions helped. I'm planning to go out and have fun. Laugh, goof around and enjoy the evening tomorrow.

 

Becoming Thank you for sharing. I know I may not do everything the best way, healthiest way, and in a dysfunctional way sometimes but dang it, it is who I am and I am on the grow.

I have no problem with facing problems and dealing with dysfunction. Many people run from it as fast as they can. I don't.. Everyone needs a break/a chance/the benefit of the doubt.. I have the determnation to do just that--especially if its for someone I really care about.. If the table were reversed I surely don't want everyone to run away from me.

 

Charlie is a wonderful man. He is not without imperfections. Building relationships is about persistance, perseverence, growth, chances, faith, forgiveness, and work.

 

If we all bailed on dysfunctional people how would they ever grow? How would they ever know whats wrong that others see? Where would they get support? Truthfully, where would we be?? Are we perfect? Don't we have our own faults? If everyone ran away from us because we had problems where would we be??

 

I am not ready to bail out just because there are problems and issues. I think his life and my life are valuable and we both are growing because of this conflict and difference..

 

I have read many people tell me to give up. to walk away. to end it.

I can't make that call yet. It's not time.. I know it its not time..

 

Time will tell...

Whatever happens, happens... For now I am were I want to be...

I am responsible for my position. As is he.

[blind_otter]

If we all bailed on dysfunctional people how would they ever grow? How would they ever know whats wrong that others see? Where would they get support? Truthfully, where would we be?? Are we perfect? Don't we have our own faults? If everyone ran away from us because we had problems where would we be??

 

See, I can't abide when people say this. Because if this were good, I would still be with the psychopath who was out smoking crack when I was delivering our dead baby, who tried to kill someone in front of me.

 

Yeah, I bailed on him. Good farking riddance to bad rubbish.

 

Should I be taking his calls, because he's all screwed up in his head, and had a lot of bad s*** go down when he was little?

[basscatcher]

In this situation, and I think I know from my experiences, the two of you are torn. Both wanting the same thing but unable to see the path towards it.

 

Outside influences introduced into this mix can only be detrimental. To your mind state and your emotional state.

 

Wanting, wanting it so much. Blinding isn't it Pada? Confusing, overwhelming, rage making, saddening, and sometimes it feels hopeless. As though you are meant to be alone but never want to be alone. Frightening.

 

We invest, all of us to some extent or other, in a new found love. Imagining that this will be the last, lasting, everlasting love of our lives.

 

Then the storm blows in and we start to run into problems. Unspoken expectations fall into the shadows. Spoken, unspoken and imagined promises made are broken. Life kicks in again and drags us around in the mundane world we live in and the fairytale seems tarnished and lost.

 

We start to rail and thrash at each other, blaming and loving and hating and needing and wanting and running all at once.

 

I know from my own recent experiences over the new year that there comes a point at which you must either bend a little more or break. It is only for you to decide what point you are at.

 

There is no one here who can give you a 100% foolproof answer.

 

How much do you need this relationship? Or any relationship? How much turmoil are you willing to be put through? How much are you prepared to put this man through?

 

What are the possible outcomes?

 

One is that you could be happy for the rest of your lives together.

 

One is you could end up hating each other for the rest of your lives apart.

 

Which way is it heading, in your opinion, right now?

 

What are your positives from it as it stands now?

 

It sounds to me as though you are not ready to bin this relationship yet. You want to carry on for a while and give it more effort. I for one applaud your tenacity.

 

Another poster talked about growing in an abusive setting and how this affects your tolerance levels. I would agree with what was said. I did not grow up in an abusive setting, the total reverse in fact. I was always made to believe in myself, told I was really smart and received positive validation the whole time.

 

This is why I applaud your tenacity, my tolerance levels for anything that is not acceptable is almost zero. This does however mean that I will walk away, unless I get dragged back. I have done in the past. Even now I find myself wondering what if I had given it more time, maybe they could have changed, maybe I was wrong to just blow the whistle and call full time.

 

I am not going to tell you to dump or stay, just to take time and think/talk it through. What I would say is this.......

 

Be as direct as you can, as honest as you possibly can, tell him what you feel about him, let him know if you see this as a long term thing, let him know the problems you are having and your wants and needs. As you have done here.

 

I will say this one thing here. My recent ex said to me after we broke up that she thought I was going to be her husband. I was stunned into silence, very unusual for me. I coud not believe that she thought this and never mentioned it to me until I was gone from her. I just shook my head in disbelief, how could anyone have thought such a thing and never mentioned it, even in passing. She left me confused and wondering if I had lost my ability to understand other humans.

 

Play your cards face up on the table. I know that is what you are like inside. I know that is what you want to do.

 

Witabix: Wow I missed your post. Amazing words you speak.. Thank you for them.

 

I put it all up on the table face up last night and Monday night. I feel everything is laying out there for him to see if he choses to look at it.

 

He acknowledged he understood and he agreed with me many times. He also layed things face up on the table last night and expressed some of his frustrations with me. I acknowledged them and agreed with him.

 

Now is the cool down time for us on all the talking to process, regroup and then act. If nothing takes place in I say reasonably 1-2 months I don't have much of a choice left. I put all myself out there and if he can't bend then I need to break. I can bend and I have been working on this long before he asked me too.

 

LS helped me to see it and start it. It is= lightening up, don't flood him with my emotions he can't handle it, be precise and direct, use logic words as much as possible instead of emotional/feeling words.

 

We are in neutral time now for processing and then time will come to administer it.

 

Witabix You always have very good and possitive supporting words.. I'm glad your here.

[basscatcher]

See, I can't abide when people say this. Because if this were good, I would still be with the psychopath who was out smoking crack when I was delivering our dead baby, who tried to kill someone in front of me.

 

Yeah, I bailed on him. Good farking riddance to bad rubbish.

 

Should I be taking his calls, because he's all screwed up in his head, and had a lot of bad s*** go down when he was little?

 

 

This is extreme.. Gawd NO I wouldn't expect you to accept his calls.

My situation isn't as delicate and life threatening as your situation.

 

I wasn't speaking in a manner of second chances when your life has been threatened.

 

I left my XH because my life was being threatened. That is not the kind of second chances I am referring too. That needs a strong intervention not a second chance. WOW..

 

Charlie and I don't have a volitile relationship. He is really a nice guy who has issues with expressing what he thinks and feels out of fear of my reaction. He has to learn to have faith in me and trust in me that I won't go nutzoid on him if he says something I don't like.. I am not a nut case.

[blind_otter]

This is extreme.. Gawd NO I wouldn't expect you to accept his calls.

My situation isn't as delicate and life threatening as your situation.

 

I wasn't speaking in a manner of second chances when your life has been threatened.

 

I left my XH because my life was being threatened. That is not the kind of second chances I am referring too. That needs a strong intervention not a second chance. WOW..

 

Charlie and I don't have a volitile relationship. He is really a nice guy who has issues with expressing what he thinks and feels out of fear of my reaction. He has to learn to have faith in me and trust in me that I won't go nutzoid on him if he says something I don't like.. I am not a nut case.

 

 

Ooookay. I thought you were making a blanket statement. I was like, woah nelly. That ain't cool.