Resentment Issues

[bkz]

Ok everyone heres where im at. Im completely pissed and sick of this. I dont want to make any desicions out of anger but..... I think its pretty obvious this phone # belongs to a guy since he answered it today. They've been talking 5 times a fricken day and she hanging out with a 23 yo that I know for a fact 3 months ago gave her a line at work plus just looking at her skinny ass makes me sick. I want to tell her no more contact unless its about the kids but dont know if thats the right thing to do at this point. I contacted a my lawyer and set up a visit on the 18th to talk about a legal seperation so we can make sure visitation and everything is set up equally. Should I tell her about the appointment with my lawyer? Am I doing the right thing by telling her basically I need my space from her and so long as she chooses to live the life shes living we have nothing to talk about? I know she'll say what life and what are you talking about!!!!!! and get all defensive but I dont think I even need to answer her but just tell her thats how its gonna be period so far as im concerned. Does this sound right? Please let me know what you all think and whats the best thing to do so far as the kids go? Im at the end of my rope with her crap!!!!!THANKS!!!

[TallBrownEyes]

bkz, honey...calm down....look at what she is doing to you. It's not fair..and I've been there..oh my God!...I've been there. You HAVE to know RIGHT now what they're doing..and you dig until you find it. It's almost addictive and it's all you think about. It's going to have your health - mentally and physically so sick that you won't be able to take care of those kids.

 

My advice...let her do what she wants. YOU do what you need to do. If she IS giving you attitude for doing your thing now, as you say...Good Lord! YOUR thing is not cheating, lying, betraying, using dope...YOUR thing is keeping your kids safe, working, paying the bills...and have been doing nothing but try to help her over the past many weeks. WHAT is it she's seeing you as doing that's making her have an attitude?

 

I'd keep track of any and all things she's doing, because God forbid she gets custody of your kids..if that is a drug dealer on the cell phone, my God...make sure you monitor everything your kids do with her. No more family functions...get that separation in motion...I'd surprise her with the attorney's appointment...let it surprise her when she gets the papers..maybe that will throw some shock her way, because apparently spending time with her family has no repurcussions whatsoever to make her steer herself right. She keeps running to the freak.

 

Take a deep breath....you'll need it in the months ahead. Let her do her thing..you do yours. It's time to put yourself and your kids first..she can fend for herself. I'm not being harsh..I hope I don't sound that way. But, it's only because I know. It's not worth all this strife on your part.....I wouldn't let her near myself...nor the kids for that matter..that's why you need the separation agreement..

 

Good luck to you...

[bkz]

Thank you for your advice, im just not sure what to do at this point.

 

Im having a REAL tough night as you can probley tell cause I never post at night.

Im just not sure what the hell I was thinking? Just goes to show what an idiot I am and how right Mz. P was about the affair from what im seing now. I mean come on the phone calls all coming in from him now as if it wont show up on the phone bill that way? 146 calls and 135 of them are incoming, shes obviously trying to hide this from me still. And worst of all I dont think this is the OM I thought it was I think it may be someone else. Her little freind at work today wouldnt even look at me and walked away soon as I got there to pick up the kids. I really think its someone that shes freinds with or her boyfreinds freinds. I dont know what to think and I guess im starting to realize FINALLY this is way worse than ive been admitting to myself, I mean what are the chances this isnt a full on affair? Seriously I just didnt think she was capable, shes soooooo insecure sexually and allways has been. But hey like youve all said theres drugs involved and with that anything is possible right? I just dont know how I can keep this to myself around her? I should make her call the # in front of me so I can talk to the person if theres nothing to hide right? Im way messed up over this and dont know how to react right now or if I should even do/say anything. Should I just tell her I want my space from her and leave it at that?

 

I was very short with her when I picked up the kids and she called me before I made it out of the parking lot, but I let it go to voice mail. She said she dosnt understand why im mad at her and this is part of the issue shes trying to deal with when it comes to me. I packed her a lunch today (and the kids) and at the end of the message she thanked me for that and said it made her feel really good but she wished I wasnt mad at her. She also bought me a coffee cup today that said worlds greates dad. She gave it to me when I picked up the kids and kept saying how much she appritiates what a great father ive been to the kids and kept thanking me. She also mentioned she really wants us to get together to decorate easter eggs with the kids in the next couple of days and she wants us to all spend easter together. Like I mentioned shes also wearing a ring again.

 

Its just too much crap for me. For a couple weeks she wants nothing to do with me, doesnt call or nothing. Then all of a sudden shes wearing a ring, wanting to spend time with me, getting upset that im not nice to her, being bothered that im not wearing my ring. I was starting to think mabye she was figuring out how unhappy she is and the life she making for herself isnt what she wants but the life she has with me is. Then I see the phone bill and WHAMMM!!! Like a ton of bricks, reality check. Shes out doing whatever she does tonight and her cell phone once again is turned off, oh well. I felt like I was starting to do so much better the last few days but this has really been alot for me to deal with today. Enough venting I guess. The kids are here with me tonight and will be again starting Friday morning for the weekend so i'll just concentrate on that.

[bkz]

TBE, your not coming accross as being harsh at all. Actually your giving me great advice and having been through it yourself I should really be listening to what you say and i'll try my best. And your right its not fair but hey if this is whats got to happen the i'll accept it best I can, Gods not gonna give me more than I can take although I believe hes giving it his best!!!!

 

So far as custody of the kids goes. Well I live in Calif. and at the very least i'll get at least 50/50, both our lawyers have told us this so she knows it as well as I do so im not worried about her getting full custody. Heck if I had to I could supina (sp?) her mom and step dad to testify, they've told me a hundred times they feel I should have the kids and shes not capable of handleing them on her own, but thats not something I need to consider at this point.

 

To be totaly honest with you all, again I still have hope things will work out with us and we can be happy together as a family. Dont know how that could happen or how id be able to trust her again but id give it a try if she came clean and showed remorse for whatever it is shes done. Mabye im a totally fool or glutton for punishment but im also a devoted Christian and believe in what scripture says in regards to marriage and the ability to fogive for the sake of marriage.

[Mz. Pixie]

B-

 

I'm saying this as gently as I can, so forgive me if this hurts your feelings in any way. She's insecure sexually with you. That doesn't mean that she is with everyone. I would bet you a weeks pay that the affair has been sexual.

 

I thought at first it could be her dealer but I doubt she'd be talking to her dealer when she was out of town, unless she owes him money. The thing about dealers is, sometimes they are nuts. My brother had them threatening to burn down my mother's house all the time. Do you think they cared that she was an sick and on oxygen?? Nooooooo.

 

This could very well be another OM- it's not uncommon for someone like her to move on to another man. She feels that she has to have the attention.

More than likely this 23 year old girl that you think she's been spending time with is not a girl at all- she is just using this person as a cover for her activities.

 

She is still seeking to get some of her needs met by you. If you're going to ask her for space, please visit marriagebuilders and pick out a good Plan B letter. You're also going to need someone to help you as far as with the kids- this pretty much cuts off all contact. You guys would coordinate picking up the kids and such through a third party if you can. You just won't interact with her. She needs to know in the letter how much this has hurt you and why you're so mad and what you are doing. I don't think asking for space really cuts it. I'm still afraid that she is using you, of course she wants you on her good side so that she can continue to live the life that she wants to live. She is having her cake and eating it too- you're paying her insurance!!! You help her with the kids and then play nicey nice family with her when she wants. Then, she can spend her other time out screwing whoever she wants to- she still has her family, her health insurance- and is living the life of Riley.

 

Most wayward spouses have an illusion of a happy separation and friendship with their spouse after divorce. They will try everything within their power to make sure this happens. That is what she is doing- she's edging her options feeding you just enough to keep you happy until she either decides to get a divorce or get back with you. 10 to 1 this hedges on whether or not she finds a OM willing to take her on with kids. This happy separation and divorce that they dream of is just not possible- don't give in so easily to her.

 

B- I'm begging you. The next time you have the kids, hire a sitter, borrow someone's car and follow her. See what she's doing since she won't answer her cell. You'll get the answers to alot of your questions then. Go ahead and get your plan B letter ready and be ready to give it to her after you've seen what you apparently must see with your own eyes to believe.

[hotgurl]

mz pixie don't you think the OM could also be the one supplying her with drugs?

 

when I did drugs nothing too hardcore I dated guys who dealt so I could get them free.

[blind_otter]

Hire a PI.

 

I think it's a classic case of doing the dealer, if I had a dime for every time a chick got addicted and started paying for drugs...the other way...I would be rich.

 

I'm so sorry you're going throughthis and hope you've gone to an alanon meeting.

[blind_otter]

mz pixie don't you think the OM could also be the one supplying her with drugs?

 

when I did drugs nothing too hardcore I dated guys who dealt so I could get them free.

 

Yes ma'am. I did this as well.

[hotgurl]

Yes ma'am. I did this as well.

 

yeah drugs get expensive.

[bkz]

OK all. I found out just now that the phone # does belong to OM, yes the same looser shes been "freinds" with for the last year or so. I know this for an absolute fact. Ive met this guy and just cant believe shed be with sutch a looser!!! My kids have been around him and her family is aware of the freindship so whats she thinks gonna come of there relationship? I mean she cant possibly have him around my kids or her family, they'll all know whats happend. Espesially the kids, they were allready told by her to lie to me about him and I was there when my W appologised to my daught a couple of months ago for telling her to be dishonest to me about him. Man emagine what going through her head about what the kids will think down the road when they find out, heck her mother had an affair and my W STILL blames the affair and her mom for the abuse her ex husband put my wife through.

 

So what now, what should I do now that I have proof?

[blind_otter]

Take the steps to end the marriage?

 

That's what I would do.

[bkz]

What if I dont want it to end? Many marriages have recovered from an affair, im still not wanting to give up at this point. So what now?

[blind_otter]

I don't know what to say man. I wouldn't, given the situation you've presented. My heart breaks for your kids, dude, you are setting them up to re-live the same situation in their future.

[Mz. Pixie]

What if I dont want it to end? Many marriages have recovered from an affair, im still not wanting to give up at this point. So what now?

 

I guess it's possible that one could be with the drug dealer as well. I know alot of people get drugs that way by having sex with the dealer.

 

Like I said before B- his potential in your eyes has nothing to do with whether or not your wife is into him. Money, looks, class, weight have nothing to do with it. It's about what she is getting from him that she wants. That feeds the addiction.

 

You just said that he's been around your kids and her family. Then you turn around and say that there is no way she can bring him around the kids and her family. She already HAS!!! Do you think they are going to alienate her forever?? If you guys split up permanently this guy may end up being around.

 

Have you exposed the affair to the YMCA? The BOSS?? If not you need to do so. You also need to speak with your wife's work. Let them know what's going on- surely you know this guy she works for?? Approach him in private. Expose to anyone else you think might help. Once the affair hits the light of day it won't usually last.

 

My advice is to visit marriagebuilders and do a plan B letter. Explain that there can be no contact between you two and that you cannot make things better until she cuts off ALL ties with OM. THEY ARE NOT JUST FRIENDS. You know it, accept it.

 

You will not continue to help her financially. You will do for the kids and that's it. You will not continue to help her with household things. You will pick up your kids- they can come outside and go. Period. No happy happy nicey family with her.

 

Even with the best of Plan B's still things can not work out. Your wife doesn't respect you now B- it's time to win that respect back. You're not going to get anywhere letting her walk all over you- you've tried that. Without a good Plan B though I think you have zero chance of getting her back. She has no motivation to change- she still has OM and still has you.

 

It's time for you to man up if you want to win your wife back. Letting her do whatever she wants to do while she hedges her options is not healthy for you.

 

Marriagebuilders Plan B. If you post your story there you'll get some good help.

[bkz]

Mz Pixie, my inlaws have not been around him. They only know of him because of me telling them about there "freindship" and they think hes a total dirtback just from that. My kids have been around him but not in a longs time, they've told me they dont see or talk to him at all and havent for a long time. They just think hes mommies freind from the Y and they were friends with his daughter. He doesnt work at the Y anymore, he stopped a month or so ago.

 

I printed out plan A and B and will go look there a bit. Whats wrong with just talking face to face with her?

[Mz. Pixie]

You need to get some info on him and find out where he's working now. Get to snooping! Hire a PI!

 

You could talk to her face to face, but the problem here is B you're not strong in that area. You have believed all her BS up until this point and she has a way of lying and twisting you so that you believe her. This prevents that. It also ups the likelyhood of you sticking to the plan. It's going to be HARD because you still love her, but as I understand it, Plan B is about preserving your love for the WS- because you're coming to the point to where her actions are killing your love and causing resentment.

[TallBrownEyes]

B - I can hear the desperation in your voice and if I was there, I know I could see it in your face. It just familiar to me and I know exactly where you stand.

 

Your world..and your kids' world...has been ripped to shreds. And, you are trying every last ditch effort to save it and make it what it was..you can't do that..it will never be the same. No matter what decision you make. It's went on too long and went too far.

 

I took my ex back after all the begging and pleading...and he cheated once again. Please think this thru, for not only did I get hurt out of this, but our daughter was totally lost over her father's behavior. I could literally smack his face clear off over his actions to our family. NO excuse for it..I don't go for mid life crisis...how dare a cheat tell the family they are ripping apart they are having a mid life crisis..Bull!

 

I wish I could snap my fingers and move this process further along for you to help you gain strength, but I cannot. But, I would if I could. But...let me just say...when you finally reach that point where you just cannot take it...and when you look at your kids and see THEY are what matters..you will find strength you never knew you had. It's there...but until you face this situation and take some control of it, you won't find it. It's not a contest, hon...but I will say..don't let her win out. Don't let her drag you and the kids down..please. She will one day reap her actions..just as my ex has...he in alone and bitter..almost a recluse. Too bad..and all over his actions...see what I'm saying?

 

Hugs to you, sweetie!

[bkz]

Mz. Pixie, she called me a while ago and I told her we need to make time to talk. She asked about what and was panicing that something was wrong with me when I told her we needed to talk in person. Basicaly she was stressing so hard I went ahead and talked to her on the phone. She denied it at first but then admitted they still have a freindship. I told her I know for a FACT its more and to deny it is to insult my intellagance further and would do nothing but piss me off cause I know for a fact there having an affair. We talked for a while and shes just not gonna come clean at this point. She then asked what I was thinking and what I wanted. I said id like to think even with the affair I could forgive and trust you again but that I just dont think I can. She asked if I was going to file for divorce, I said not yet i'll wait and see for now. I also told her not to call me unless it has to do with the kids unless theres something she has to say regarding our conversation today about whats happend.

 

She also said she was talking to a patiant today and realized what she had done wrong in our marriage. She said shes put the kids first and neglected to meet my needs. Im like and thats it!!!!!! I told her she needs to really look a little closer at herself and not forget what shes doing right now as well to destroy our marriage since we ARE still married at this time.

 

Anyways who knows what may be next?!!!

 

TBE, again I appritiate your input knowing youve been were im at.

I tell you im just not sure at this point how I feel, im sorta numb. I mean Mz. Pixie has been telling me for a while now whats going on but of course until I had proof I just wasnt completely convinced. Sorta still in shock but doing ok really. Im not desperate as I sound really im just at a point now were I need to be making the right decisions for the right reasons. No matter what anyone says I still feel it in my heart to try and make things work and if she'll come back to me i'll do my best to make it work. I know it will take a TON of councelling, time and patiants to reconcile but its not like its unheard of to recover from somthing like this. My kids do give me alot of streanght, to think of myself as week at this point would be totaly wrong. Im a far stronger person than I was before this all started but emotionally im running on fumes right now.

 

She'll have the kids for the next couple of days and besides driving by to check on them a bit im gonna just hit the gym and get alot of rest if I can.

[bkz]

I don't know what to say man. I wouldn't, given the situation you've presented. My heart breaks for your kids, dude, you are setting them up to re-live the same situation in their future.

 

Again Blind Otter thanks for posting on my thread I really appritiate your input. BUT...... I have to say..... I know what my kids get with me married to there mother and what we'll all get if me and her can repair our marriage and be HAPPY together. However if we dont work out who knows what the kids will get or what kind of man or people my wife will put around my kids!!!! I feel im not setting them up for something bad but giving them and us the oportunity for a life me and my W didnt have, were there parents stay together and do things the right way. Im religious and believe strongly Gods power to heal, a crutch or false hope some may say but thats what I believe and will continue to until its over. God uses marital conflict/difficulty for growth we otherwise wouldnt be able to have, its says this in the book Love Must Be Tough and I belive in that. We'll see what happens I guess.

[Mz. Pixie]

Well B- don't feel too bad. They usually never come clean until they are cold presented with the facts. They sometimes even try to explain away pictures, etc. So, don't worry too much about that.

 

I think you did really well. What was her reaction?? I still think you need to do a little detective work and find out more about OM- where he works etc.

Spy on them some. That way you have more proof. Also, start taking notes and keeping a journal on her activities. That could help out way more than anything if you guys have to go to court. TRUST ME on that one. I mean, if she calls or her actions are wierd around the kids, write it down. You don't have to paint her bad- just be honest. Do it everyday. For instance "Took kids to school today, gave them baths, played Candyland" This paints you as a stable parent. I know you still want to mend things, but let's face it, things could get ugly if you guys split and I want to make sure you're protecting yourself just in case.

 

The key now will be to stay away from her. She may start to call but the bottom line should be that she has to give up OM, and she has to agree to come back home and go to marriage counseling, own up to her actions and work on the marriage. Period. This gives you the power, you are in charge. Don't give her what she's going to want, which is access to you, until she agrees to your conditions. This is going to be the major key. She's been married to you for a while now, and she depends on you so much for stuff, it's going to be HARD for her to give you up. Trust me, but if you force her to do that you just may end up getting her back. If you falter and only do it halfway, it's not going to work.

 

You can do this. I'm proud of you!

 

By the way, her remarks about how she hadn't met your needs blew me away. I think that's her way of "hoovering" you back in- which is telling a person what they want to hear and being super nice until you get what you want and then the BPD will usually act out again and hurt you. Don't fall for it. I love how that takes away from the real problems here- which is her drug use and her relationship with OM.

[bkz]

Thanks Mz. Pixie I REALLY needed that advice right now!!!!!

 

She called yesterday an hour after our conversation. She said shed found a sitter for the kids and wanted to go somewhere with me and talk. She started crying half way through the message. She said she wants to talk about what she can work on, what were gonna do, talk about the accusations from me, how I feel, how she feels and her feelings right now.

 

Her crying was a first in some time. Im really not sure if I should even meet up with her at this point? I havent returned her call yet and I have councelling tonight so I was gonna try and put it off till then?

 

Also I talked with a freind yesterday, its the husband of someone my wife works with. This is a good freind as is she and shes a good person for my wife to be around. His wife is also the one my wife told when she decided to try and make things work with me. He told me my wifes been telling her at times she really wants to come back to me and make things work, and other times she tells her shes just not sure what she wants. Like ive said before, this last week or so shes really showed signs of coming around a bit, not what shes saying so much as her actions toward me. Wanting to spend time together, leaving me messages to say goodmorning, wearing a ring on her wedding finger again, inviting me for easter. I know this is nothing in the sceam of things with reconcilliation being waaaaaayyyyy far off if at all at this point but it just started feeling like her behavior was changing a bit before I exposed her yesterday.

 

I want to set healthy boundries. Is not seing her right now when she really wants to talk a healthy boundry? I'll be picking the kids up for a couple of days tomarrow and I guess I should tell her I wont be there for Easter?

 

And thanks for the support Mz P it helps alot!

[bkz]

Oh and her reaction? She was shocked, she actually put me on hold for a couple of minutes after I confronted her with it. She also had the nerves to tell me ive been blaming her for all our problems and havent taken any responsiblity!!!! I reminded her to read all the letters again ive ritten her and that ive been appologising and correcting my issues for 8 months now, including at the gym last week when I AGAIN appologised for not being there for her at times, she didnt mention me not taking responsiblillity again after that.

 

She also accused me of trying to get her wedding ring appraised, I told her its her ring she could do whatever she wants with it I could care less. She also accused me of stalking the OM and said the poor guy doesnt know what to do he was talking about getting a restraining order!!! WHAT ive seen the dude twice and could care less about him. I told her oh yeah poor guy hell hes a piece of sh@t!!! and you know me I wouldnt even have a freindship with a woman who had a boyfreind let alone a married woman with 3 children who ive been around and know 2 of them are addopted and just in the last year!!!!! But im better than that and we all know it.

 

I also told her ive done everything I can do correct the problems in our marriage and keep our family together and i can walk away with total piece of mind from that, can you? And that I only fell bad for the REAL loosers in this situation, her and the kids cause shes the one thats got to live with this.

[Mz. Pixie]

Put her off for a bit until you can decide how to handle it.

 

I'd tell her I'd agree to one meeting, face to face.

 

This is going to be hard for you to sit across from her- with her perhaps lying and crying.

 

You'll have to be tough. You're not allowed to feel sorry for her. First of all, you need to take responsibility for what you've done in the marriage. Do that first. Then point out that you have been growing and learning and that you know that you guys can have what you had before and more and that you want another chance to love her as she deserves. Then, you sit down and tell her

 

1. I know you've cheated. Don't deny it.

2. Then lay out your conditions- Cut off all ties with OM, she must open up her life to you- cell phone bill, logs, e mail etc. She moves back home. She enters marriage counseling and counseling for herself for her issues.

She writes a no contact letter for life to OM. She can never talk to him again. No more inappropriate relationships with men. She's married to you.

 

When she tries to steer the conversation around to what you've done, don't argue with her, say "Yes, I understand but I've changed" and turn the conversation back to OM. When she tries to bring up her issues, say yes, I understand but this is really about me and what you're doing to end our marriage. Don't argue with her about it, just state it as matter of fact. It's true, you know it is and make sure that she knows it.

 

Don't debate the issue- state matter of factly what you want to continue. If she agrees set a timeline for which she will be back home and you guys will be in counseling. If she cannot agree to your terms then tell her you'll have to take actions to protect your interests.

 

Do not argue with her. Don't get lengthy and drawn out. These are the terms you take them or leave them. Don't just come out and say divorce- just say you're going to protect your interest and that you guys cannot talk anymore because you love her and she's ripping your heart out. Let her wonder what your thoughts are.

 

You're going to have to be a good actor. Every time you think of waivering think about your kids and be tough for them!

[bkz]

Thank you sooooo much Mz P. I'll go ahead and agree to the meeting with her on Friday and i'll get my head together so I can stay focused when we do meet. At this point I have enough anger and hurt I wont be feeling sorry for her and I couldnt be more convinced about the affair even if I was standing there watching them.

 

The pain today from all this reality hitting me is almost unbarable. Ive wanted to call her and ive wanted to go visit or call him. I do know where he works and ive talked to his boss and informed her of whats going on. Shes a Christian and was extreamely sympathetic and sayed she would pray for my family.

 

Thanks again and i'll keep you posted.

[Mz. Pixie]

Good for you B. I'm praying for you and for your kids- I'm a Christian too.

 

I hope it works!