My family, my boyfriend and my sadness

[a4a]

Just because someone pops a kid out of their hoo ha does not mean they know how to raise it or will treat it as the gift that God gave them.

 

Your HOO HA POP made me laugh!

 

Also just because you popped one out of your HOO HA ( ) does not entitle you to some sort of special treatment nor does it make you some form of saint or more deserving.

[blind_otter]

Thank you Mz. P....

 

I don't want anyone to make me feel whole.

 

I just want someone to love me and help me forget how lonely I am occassionally.

[amaysngrace]

B_O, i can't really offer anything more because i am not even close to being in your shoes. i am fortunate to have my mom. i just want you to know that you're in my thoughts and i'm hoping things work out for you.

 

and i'm glad you went and saw your pops.

[kypepeo]

I think that Italy idea would be the best thing for you right now. You need to find yourself and become happy with who you are. You are probably attracted to people who hate themselves because you hate yourself. Needless to say, that’s not healthy. Thing is, you sound like a very strong person who’s not afraid to admit her weaknesses and change so I know that when you take time out, you’ll be able to heal and change the attitudes about yourself that you need to work on.

 

As for your boyfriend, I really don’t know much about your relationship so I can’t make assumptions but someone who missed taking his kid to school because he was asleep sounds totally selfish. Everything will always be about him and maybe that’s why it’s so difficult to be with him. Anyway, take the time you need in Italy and see if he’ll be worth the hassle when you get back.

 

My mum is just like yours and I also wonder what makes her want to hurt me so badly. I realised later that she’s the one with the issues. She’s all broke inside and that makes her act out at everyone. She doesn’t know how to love me. That’s not entirely her fault because she wasn’t loved either but being around her can be really poisonous for me. I realise that she’s my mother at the end of the day so I make small talk here and there but don’t really let her into my life. That way, she won’t mess me up with her meddling (coz she won’t know what to meddle in) and she won’t keep screaming at me about how totally disappointed in me. Basically, learn to keep a healthy distance and things should be cool. Also, remember that the words she speaks are from a wounded person. You are bigger than that so learn not to internalise what she says. Don’t let her words break you. Sounds almost impossible but with practice, you’ll get it.

[blind_otter]

My Dad. My Dad. I don't want to think about my Dad.

 

He has a mass in his lungs that has grown from 4 cm to 8 cm in diameter in less than 4 months. That's why he can't breathe, he only has one functioning lung. They did a biopsy already and it wasn't cancer -- but it keeps growing at this crazy rate. What else could it be? Why are they doing another biopsy?

 

I have been afraid my whole life that when my Dad dies I'll just lose it. I remember when I was young, like 12, before I was raped, thinking how I would need someone to cling to when he died. I don't know. It's so confusing. I'm lost.

[amaysngrace]

I have been afraid my whole life that when my Dad dies I'll just lose it. I remember when I was young, like 12, before I was raped, thinking how I would need someone to cling to when he died. I don't know. It's so confusing. I'm lost.

 

like a4a said, you can't let the past control you and these thoughts are in the past. the same rules apply b-lot. you are a victim of your own thoughts right now. you think it will happen, therefore it will. sweetie, you need to get a grip on the current situation of your father's health right now and change your ability to handle it. it's within your power.

[blind_otter]

like a4a said, you can't let the past control you and these thoughts are in the past. the same rules apply b-lot. you are a victim of your own thoughts right now. you think it will happen, therefore it will. sweetie, you need to get a grip on the current situation of your father's health right now and change your ability to handle it. it's within your power.

 

I don't know how. In many ways I deified my father because he was the only person who managed to love me without putting any conditions on it. I didn't have to meet his expectations, or even be good to myself. He loves me no matter what, I am his baby girl.

 

He is my rock. He has kept me stable in the most tumultuous times. I think this has been my problem for the last 3 years as his health degenerated to the point where he can't walk and can't hold his breath. I have been out of control.

 

I doubt myself so much. Is this my thought - or is this negative thinking that will be a self-fulfilling prophesy? Am I really afraid, or is it just the way I'm thinking?

 

I can't even f***ing trust my own thoughts.

[kypepeo]

I agree, you can't let your past control you. Your dad was there for you and it will definately be hard if he passes on but that's what life is about. the things that he has taught you will always be with you and that's the legacy he has left behind. You are his living legacy. Don't turn it all to nothing by collapsing when he's gone. what good will that do. You have to take everything he has taught you and use it to stand and move on with your life. I'm really sorry though that you are dealing with this. It must be very difficult

[amaysngrace]

you are in a crisis right now. you know he isn't well and you're having a hard time dealing with it. it's completely natural to be scared and sad. but if he is indeed your rock, and you know you're half him, take comfort in knowing you inherited his strength. i know you have. i've read your posts.

 

i think you have some negative self-talk working inside, is all. and it's fixable.

[blind_otter]

I just really want to take a valium or get drunk right now. I won't but I really want to. I really really really want to. I will go to a meeting tonight. I really want a drink.

[amaysngrace]

were you ever recognized as an alcoholic? was it a self-assessment or clinical? JW

[blind_otter]

were you ever recognized as an alcoholic? was it a self-assessment or clinical? JW

 

I wasn't aware that you had to be diagnosed by a medical doctor as an alcoholic. That's not how they present it in AA. I never had a physical that showed the signs of bodily debilitation. But I spent almost all of last year living off of cocaine and alcohol, so I just made the assumption that people who aren't alcoholics/addicts don't drink and do cocaine for 4-5 days straight on a weekly basis.

[amaysngrace]

well you would know best if you are, i guess?? i'm not an alcholic. i am able to have a glass of wine or two, or a few mixed drinks without the urge to binge.

 

but if there is any doubt you can't handle a drink or two, by all means, don't drink.

 

today is a beautiful day here. how is it there?? why don't you get off the computer for a while and take in some fresh air if it's a nice day? that's my plans for the day.

[amaysngrace]

oh, i tried to send you a personal message with my "digits" as maddog would say, but i'm not allowed. not been hanging out here long enough, i guess

[Art_Critic]

was it a self-assessment or clinical? JW

 

In order for someone to sober up it has to be a self assessment.

 

A doctor telling someone they are a drunk doesn't help them at all.. what helps them is admitting that they are powerless over alcohol and that they are an alcoholic.

That is the beginning

[amaysngrace]

In order for someone to sober up it has to be a self assessment.

 

That is the beginning

 

thank you, Art. i'm not an alcoholic. so i didn't really know how it worked.

[blind_otter]

He calls me at work because I changed my home phone number. It's unlisted now no one knows it. Except my Dad who I wrote the number down for last night.

 

He says I'm sorry, forgive me, I love you, I didn't mean it. He says this like it doesn't sound cliche. Like it doesn't sound so stupid and empty. Words are useless.

[amaysngrace]

 

Words are useless.

 

yep, empty words mean schwazool. actions speak louder.

[Art_Critic]

I just really want to take a valium or get drunk right now. I won't but I really want to. I really really really want to. I will go to a meeting tonight. I really want a drink.

 

You need to get to a meeting.. or call your sponser.. I wish I could take you to a meeting myself

[blind_otter]

I'm gonig after work. I have to go home and take my dogs outside, etc.

[Art_Critic]

I'm gonig after work. I have to go home and take my dogs outside, etc.

 

Cool... it will be just what you need

[blind_otter]

Yeah. I'm just bummed generally. I knew that it was going to end up like this. I jst hoped that it wouldn't. I didn't want to go through this again. Loving someone as much as I do, and then realizing that I'm just pantomiming the same sad situation I have with my mother.

 

I don't want to be alone. I have to be, to get better, but I don't want to be. I feel cold, but cold on the inside, where I can't get warm.

[tinktronik]

Yeah. I'm just bummed generally. I knew that it was going to end up like this. I jst hoped that it wouldn't. I didn't want to go through this again. Loving someone as much as I do, and then realizing that I'm just pantomiming the same sad situation I have with my mother.

 

I don't want to be alone. I have to be, to get better, but I don't want to be. I feel cold, but cold on the inside, where I can't get warm.

 

Were never really alone Blind, there's people everywhere ,look out your window.I know it's different than being in a relationship , but your not alone.Reach for help , but not help that includes sexuality , there's a big difference there. I'm sorry this is so hard for you. I too know what it feels like to love to a degree that is unconditional , many people do not do this , I belive this is a lesson that family abuse teaches , that "love for us has no Boundaries" , your mom dident have any , so why should you have boundaries reguarding anyone else you love. But most relationships do have boundaries and are in fact conditional , this is more healthy , to have your own expectation . This love that is unconditional is too wanting , instead of giving. Hugs ....

[blind_otter]

This is interesting. I have always wanted that unconditional love and never thought it would be unhealthy but I can see that it might be. To want someone to accept you no matter what you do, say, or how you act? That is the kind of love you learn if your parents abuse you. Because children don't know how to squash in the impulse to love (usually).

 

And then you can allow people to violate you that much more easily because you can bounce back and accept them and the ugliness they display.

[tinktronik]

This is interesting. I have always wanted that unconditional love and never thought it would be unhealthy but I can see that it might be. To want someone to accept you no matter what you do, say, or how you act? That is the kind of love you learn if your parents abuse you. Because children don't know how to squash in the impulse to love (usually).

 

And then you can allow people to violate you that much more easily because you can bounce back and accept them and the ugliness they display.

 

 

This is why I suggest boundaries , Don't ever allow that violation again , you've had enough of it already! If you loved someone you would not want to violate them , and they would not to you either. Unless your love was about the unhealthy impulse to take. Be alone and learn to give instead of take , and eventually you will find someone to give to you as well. I have a list of things that I will not bend on in my nightstand drawer and a list of things that I must have in order to have a fiendship with anyone , because thats all a relationship is a friendship that you incude yourself in physicaly. Make your list and stand firm on it , make it reasonable , but not too reasonable . Learn to not violate yourself also, and when you do not do it you will stand more firm on not letting anyone else do it either.